No global warming in New York…am I back in LA yet?

As someone who was born and raised in New York, people think I should enjoy the changing of the seasons. Bah! Humbug! I live in Los Angeles, where it is sunny and 72 year round. I could care less if the leaves change, and I truly think snow is God’s way of saying he hates certain people. It is less than a week from May, and it is 56 degrees out.

Animals live like this.

If I hear one more person tell me about the culture, and that New York is the city that does not sleep, I will deck them. I remember the blizzard of 1996, and thinking…animals live like this. It is not for people. Some people ask how I could be against the cold when I grew up in it. I keep telling them that yes, I grew up in New York, but I never went outside. From December to March I just stayed in and b*tched all winter.

My dad pointed out that if I went outside and played in the snow, I could then come in, sit by the fire, and drink hot chocolate and watch tv. I pointed out to my dad that I did not need to go outside to do that. I then proceeded to go straight to the tv and the warmth.

Skiing? You can have it. Snowmen? Who cares. A white Christmas? I’m Jewish. There is nothing in the old or new testament that says anything about freezing to death.

When I came to Los Angeles in 1990, there was a drought. That is what they called it. I called it gorgeous weather, and I still do. At the time waiters did not bring water to the table in restaurants. I never drank mine anyway.

I see snow, and I think…oh great, now we are all going to get the flu and die. Yes, I have become a sissy girly pansy boy. So what…in February I am in my jacuzzi with a glowstick in my mouth (fake cigar), enjoying the good life.

I only hope the good lord truly is my shepherd, and manages to get me back to Los Angeles in a few days without any debilitating illnesses that are caused my awful weather.

Look, I understand February. This is almost May for crying out loud!

Somebody find Al Gore, fly him here, and say to him “Al…look at this…there is no warmth anywhere! (I am even too cold to ridicule him. I am sure once my fingers warm up in LA I can find more things about him I detest).

I am a New Yorker born and raised. I say that with pride. I will never be an Angeleno. I am a New Yorker living in LA. I will say that 30 years from now. New Yorkers who stayed will not be able to criticize me…they will be in the ground from hypothermia.

Dear Randy Newman…I know what you mean…I have been in New York a few hours…and all I can say is…I love LA.


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