Archive for February, 2008

The Onion Primary

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

For those in 49 other states, there is a state called Wisconsin. Today is their primary. Wisconsin is known for three things. 1) Cheese. 2) The Green Bay Packers. 3) The Onion.

Although it relocated to New York City, which will most likely kill some of its charm, “The Onion” will always be the pride of some warped lunatics from Madison, Wisconsin. The Onion is the best satire newspaper in the country.

Therefore, since the democrats running for President are completely fake, it would be best to have them covered by fake news.

www.theonion.com

I could cover real news stories, but at this point in the world, there are none.

President George Herbert Walker Bush endorsed John McCain. This would help except that former President Bush lost his reelection because he was detested by conservatives.

There is only one endorsement that matters, and somebody needs to bother Nancy Reagan in the hospital and get her opinion. She has some nerve trying to recuperate from a potentially life threatening fall by thinking about herself. Ronald Reagan would have made jokes. Nevertheless, I hope Mrs. Reagan is recovering nicely.

Did Barack Obama plagiarize Deval Patrick? Of course he did. Should it matter? Perhaps? Does it matter? No. He is black. He is articulate. The media has decided that his trips to the toilet don’t stink. Therefore, there is no story here. Besides, Oprah supports him, and lord knows her trips to the toilet are pure pearls, flushed down a golden toilet in a lavatory made of platinum. Personally, I don’t think she needs to go to the toilet. Only commoners do that.

As for the Clintons, they are just frustrated that they finally are seen as stinking to high heaven. They did back in 1992, but they were not called on it. So if anything, Obama is guilty of plagiarizing the role of likable candidate. There is no copyright on likability, which makes it even more bizarre that Hillary would not observe likable people and copy them. Everything else about her is copied, processed, focus group analyzed, and poll tested. Every word and every idea is “liberated” from somewhere else. Yet a personality transplant requires having an understanding of what constitutes a likable personality.

As for Obama being able to heal the sick, rescuing a woman who swooned at his rally, Mike Huckabee has a direct line to the almighty, so Obama should stop plagiarizing Huckabee’s healing abilities. I wonder which one of them will heal the Clintons and turn them from angry narcissists who scream and occasionally try to physically assault dissenters, and turn them into decent human beings that have kindness and compassion for those with different last names from them.

My old socialist college professor once said that our papers should be one long gigantic footnote, because, “There is no original thought.” Hillary has taken this to an art form. Writing a story on the “real” and “authentic” Hillary Clinton is impossible because nobody has ever met her. Some compare her to a robot, but if she has a functioning soul, heart and body beneath her carefully crafted media scripted concoction, people have never seen it.

I could report about sports, but the Daytona 500 and the NBA Allstar Game are just ways of trying to ease the pain of the NFL being on hiatus until September. The only sports story that interests me concerns the erotic photos taken by the cheerleaders of the Sacramento Kings. Now those are allstars I would not mind playing a game involving the bouncing of round objects with.

As for the actual politics behind the Wisconsin primary, any story written will be phony. The facts are that Obama has won 8 contests in a row, mainly by landslides. If Hillary wins Wisconsin, she will be the “comeback kid.” She has lost 2/3 of the contests, but somehow she will be declared the candidate with momentum. Obama will most likely win easily in the Hawaii Caucus by a wide margin, but that will be dismissed because he lived there for some time. The real story is that Obama has smacked Hillary around in terms of the popular vote and delegates. Yet she is seen as a fighter because she occasionally wins something.

So since the real story does not matter, we might as well focus on fake news. After all, unlike Hillary and Obama, The Onion at least admits upfront that every word emanating from its rhetorical mouth is fake. The Onion provides laughter. The democrats running for President are merely laughable, and yet in the serious times of today, I am not amused.

So now I present the only media outlet to get the stories right. The Wisconsin Primary is the Onion Primary. Here is the Onion reporting on the “War for the White House.”

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/candidates

In addition, below are profiles of every candidate still in the race, in addition to those who decided the job was beneath the dignity of most people. As Howard Stern has said about being the king of radio, “There is no point getting to the top of the heap if it is a heap of sh*t.” Nevertheless, the candidates and their qualifications are below.

 

Hillary Clinton:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/hillaryclinton

 

Experience:
Husband secretly let her run country from 1997-1999

Signature Issue:
Becoming President of the United States

Health Care: “I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade.”

 

Iraq War: “I would never have voted for the war had we known it would become unpopular.”

 

Barack Obama:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/barackobama

 

Issues:
Pro-hopes, also supports dreams

Favorite Way To Mollify Supporters:
Nodding solemnly while gripping podium

Health Care: Promises to reduce cost of health care by demanding private insurance companies stop liking astronomical profits.

 

Iraq War: Will have American soldiers tell the Iraqi soldiers that they’re just going out for some smokes, and then sneak back home to America.

 

John McCain:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/johnmccain

 

Awards:
Distinguished Flying Cross (Vietnam War); Silver Star (World War II); Bronze Star (Crimean War)

Inspiring Example:
Co-sponsored a campaign finance act with Democrat Russ Feingold, the aim of which is to leave every campaigner as broke as McCain and Feingold

Health Care: Supports universal health care for all current and former POWs.

 

Iraq War: “The United States should no longer act as the world’s police but instead as the world’s stripper, dressed as the police.”

 

Mike Huckabee:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/mikehuckabee

 

Signature Issue:
Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant

 

Ron Paul:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/ronpaul

 

Iraq War: Opposes it for some complicated libertarian reason best explained in a rambling, discursive way by your office I.T. guy.

 

Chris Dodd:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/christopherdodd

 

Biggest Disadvantage:
Not even wife knows who he is

 

Joe Biden:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/joebiden

 

Reason For Running:
in a rut, career-wise

 

Bill Richardson:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/billrichardson

 

Forced to Publicly Apologize For:
As a child, his half-American side used to pay his half-Mexican side a substandard wage to clean his room

 

John Edwards:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/johnedwards

Greatest Strength:
Notable ‘ding’ sound when smiling

Campaign Slogan:
“You know what I like? America.”

 

Dennis Kucinich:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/denniskucinich

Worst Moment:
Nearly devoured by Wisconsin Congressman James Sensenbrenner on House floor

 

Mitt Romney:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/mittromney

 

Iraq War: Would unite warring religious factions by deploying over 100,000 Books of Mormon to the nation’s most fractious regions.

 

Fred Thompson:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/fredthompson

 

Campaign Ad Voiceover Ability:
Strong

Most Ambitious Proposal:
Vows to improve U.S. IMDb STARmeter ranking by 19% during first six months of office

 

Rudy Giuliani:

http://www.theonion.com/content/whitehousewar/rudygiuliani

 

Favorite Way To Relax:
Long strolls through piles of smoking rubble and twisted metal

Health Care: Supports universal health care for everyone except his bitch ex-wives.

 

At some point votes will come in from Wisconsin. To determine the winner of the Onion Primary, I will be reading the Onion itself.

Everything else, save this daily column, is ill informed garbage.

With that spirit, I shall go to the “King of the Hill” website to determine the Texas vote, and analyze the National Football League Hall of Fame Game results from Canton in years past to predict what will happen in Ohio.

I shall also consult with Larry the Cable Guy, who stated that “to me, Super Tuesday is when they have 99 cent tacos.”

Tacos have onions. It all does tie together.

eric

From George W to George W

Monday, February 18th, 2008

He was saddled with a controversial war that had the potential to split the country. He was roundly criticized at the time for leading America to its destruction. Any number of mistakes could have caused America to cease existing as a nation. George W was doing irreparable damage.

No, not George W. Bush…George Washington.

Happy Presidents Day. More specifically, Happy Thankless Job Day to the leader of the free world. I truly wonder why anybody would want this job.

The reason why we celebrate Presidents Day is because Americans have gotten cheated out of separate birthday holidays for George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

George Washington was the father of his country. Yet the Revolutionary War was not popular when it started. Most Americans did not want to break away from England. After several high profile military defeats, enlistment levels were down, and morale was low. Yet a critical battle at Saratoga in New York turned things around.

Abraham Lincoln was not universally beloved while he was alive. He was certainly not happy in his marriage. He was married to a dominating shrew that had a habit of hurling vases. If Lincoln were alive today he might be helping Mrs. Lincoln become president just so he could get the peace and quiet that eluded him while he was in office. During his Presidency, he was seen as a bumbler that had incompetent generals. The fact that the North finally did win the Civil War did not change the fact that many carped about why it took so long to get the right general to begin with.

I cannot recall any President that was universally loved while they were in office. There were ones that “did not harm.” They presided over peaceful times, and failed to make matters worse. That assessment is often given to Calvin Coolidge in the 1920s, Dwight Eisenhower in the 1950s, and Bill Clinton in the 1990s. Yet these men that were seen as peripheral by some were seen as merely ignoring serious issues that their successors would have to deal with.

We deify men like John F. Kennedy. At the risk of slaying a sacred cow, Kennedy the myth was much more significant than Kennedy the man. He was an indistuingished Senator who won an election riddled with fraud. He spoke well, but did not have any concrete achievements. He died a tragic and untimely death, and became a hero in the mold of Marilyn Monroe, and later on, Elvis Presley. Yet while his words often did eventually ring true, such as putting a man on the moon, his actual Presidency is mostly myth, with little actual results.

JFK is not the only one to be lionized. Harry Truman is romanticized as an honest and sincere man, which he may have been. While in office, he was seen as a bumbler.

Even Presidents that truly did change the world were beleaguered while in office. Ronald Reagan won the Cold War and brought down the Berlin Wall. Yet by the end of his second term, he had lost Congress, and was mired in scandal.

It is through this lens of history that I maintain that we will not know for another three decades what will become of the Presidency of George W. Bush.

Many individuals hate his guts. They hated him before he was ever sworn in. They believe he stole a close election, which they apparently never attribute to their God JFK defeating Richard Nixon in 1960. That was a stolen election.

So George W. Bush’s detractors hated him not for his deeds, but for his existence. He is in favor of something, so his critics have to reflexively be against it.

With George W. Bush leaving office in less than one year, I can safely say that the opinions of him now do not matter. Today is a vacuum. Anybody can judge things in a vacuum. The only thing that matters in the long run is the judgment of history. I maintain that the history books will be kind to George W. Bush.

Everything will depend on the War on Terror, with Iraq being the central front. If Iraq succeeds, which it may be on the verge of doing, than the honorable goal of making the world a better place will have been achieved. Saddam Hussein is already dead. Slowly but surely, Iraq is on the upswing.

Some would say that if Iraq were to fail, the legacy of George W. Bush would that of failure. This would be an overstatement. After all, the Berlin Wall fell when George Herbert Walker Bush was President. Yet the seeds began during the Reagan Presidency, which is why the Gipper is properly given the credit.

Lyndon Johnson actually did pass civil rights legislation, yet JFK is given the credit. Some say Kennedy put the idea in motion, but others say his words were lip service, and that he did not have the same passion for civil rights that his brother did.

We can dissect every aspect of George W. Bush, but the truth is that we need time to see how his deeds affect the world after he leaves office. From Chief Justice John Roberts to General David Petraeus to Treasury Secretaries to the next President, the George W. Bush story has not been written yet. Sure there are some that had it written before he took office, but those without the fancy 3-D glasses they sell at 7-11 can be openminded enough to admit that stories take time to develop.

On this President’s Day, I can only look at George W. Bush and feel sympathy for the man. He came into office expecting to focus on economics, and history dealt him a situation that nobody is ever prepared for. Thrust into a war that nobody except the terrorists wanted, he had to be a steely eyed leader. If he failed at this task, an American collapse would not be unthinkable.

I remember how young and vigorous George W. Bush looked in 1999. He looks much older now. War takes its toll.

George W. Bush was not destined for greatness. If anything, he was destined for mediocrity. Yet for some reason, history thrust a situation upon him. Those who believe he met the historical challenge will see him as a great President. Those who feel he failed to answer history’s call will see him as a disaster. Either way, there most likely will be no middle ground. No matter what, unlike his predecessor, he will be seen as relevant. He cannot be average. He will either be among the best, or the worst.

Some judge a President on their ability to elect their successor. Ronald Reagan was successful in this endeavor. Bill Clinton was not. Yet George W. Bush’s successor is actually Dick Cheney. So if John McCain wins, does President Bush get credit? If McCain loses, does President Bush get blame?

When all is said and done, the main criteria for evaluating Presidents should be whether or not they made America better.

With some Presidents, evaluation is simple. Thomas Jefferson doubled the size of the country with one purchase. He was a success. By almost every possible conceivable metric, Jimmy Carter was a failure.

Most Presidents are more complex.

George W. Bush is not universally beloved at this moment. He is beleaguered.

30 years from now, when Presidents Day includes several more Presidents, we will remember that in the same way we now see critics of George W. Bush, we saw much worse way back when.

Yet George Washington and Abraham Lincoln did just fine in the long run. In the long run, all there is is the long run.

May Presidents Day bring us one day closer to peace in this world, and may it bring peace of mind for George W. Bush. Everybody needs a respite from the worries of the world.

After all, Presidents are people too.

eric

NFL Radio Live

Sunday, February 17th, 2008

I am one week into the NFL Offseason, and I already can’t stand it. As expected, I will be joining a flag football league in March. However, I was not put on this Earth to do things and exert physical activity. I prefer relaxing on my couch and watching others do them. Heck, in college I was even one of the Vice Presidents of the “Lethargy Club.” We even had names that were takeoffs on the “Care Bears.” One friend of mine was “Lethargy Bear.” Another one was “Apathy Bear.” I was known as “F*ck it Bear,” due to my blase attitude, and lust for the ladies.

After a Saturday night that featured some friends getting drunk and singing Karaoke, I figured I could sleep until noon and then report on the Daytona 500. I accomplished the first mission, only to find out that the race had not started yet. That concludes my NASCAR report. In several hours, go to ESPN’s website to see who won.

So to feed my NFL addiction, I will be conducting a radio program with Frank of “Political Vindication Radio.”

www.politicalvindicationradio.com

The program Frank and I will be doing is called “NFL Live 2008.” It will be every Sunday at 8pm PST, 11pm EST. Frank will provide the knowledge, and I will provide…well, something I guess.

Oh, and a late breaking story involving the Daytona 500…at the inception of the race, the pole position was actually in second place. The pace car was in first place. However, like most races, as soon as the checkered flag comes down, the pace car gives up. Nobody likes a quitter. I am now anti-pace car.

Also, in another Daytona 500 human interest story, racer Jimmy Johnson is one of the only people in the history of auto racing whose first and last names are both euphemisms for male genitalia. The only other person in sports with that distinction to my knowledge was the former coach of the Dallas Cowboys, who also is named Jimmy Johnson.

Anyway, it is a beautiful day outside, so I am going to have lunch and then take a nap.

I did catch the end of the Daytona 500, with Ryan Newman stunning Tony Stewart on the last lap to win. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Finished 9th.

Tune in to Blog Talk Radio Sundays at 8pm PST…NFL Radio Live…where football season never ends.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/NFL-Radio-Live

eric

Comedy Saturday

Saturday, February 16th, 2008

As I prepare to enter the first week of approximately 30 weeks of misery, I have solicited opinions from the entire world to provide me with ideas. I made the mistake of not being specific in that I wanted actual good ideas. So to those who offered terrible suggestions, and you should know who you are, do not expect me to rescue you when you trip and fall into a volcano.

Ok, so football season just ended and I am already getting punchy.

At times like this I refer back to Craig T. Nelson on “Coach.” When his girlfriend pointed out that she went to all his football games but he never went with her to the art gallery, he earnestly replied, “Yeah, but people like football.” Men everywhere should memorize that scene, and force women to watch it.

More than one person suggested that I discuss the baseball steroid hearings on Capitol Hill. The problem with that suggestion is that the only thing more boring than Congress on C-Span is baseball. Combine the two, and insomnia is cured. For the safety of all Americans, it should be illegal to drive a car after watching it. Speaking of illegal, one way we could eliminate all illegal immigrants is by making them drive 18 wheelers in traffic after watching the baseball hearings. I am not sure if the Geneva Convention considers that torture.

Somebody pointed out to me that the republicans seemed to be defending Roger Clemens, while the democrats were attacking him. I did not see the hearings, but this makes sense.

For one thing, Roger Clemens was alleged to have been injected with steroids in his anus. I wonder if Senator Larry Craig was taking notes. Clemens had a wide stance when pitching, and Senator Craig has a wide stance when allegedly trolling for young, hot, male mall @ss.

The other reason this would make sense is that athletes tend to be republicans. Jim Bunning, Jack Kemp, J.C. Watts and others are all right of center. Liberals are usually the angry bitter guys that got beat up by the athletes in Junior High School. They seek vengeance for having been stuffed into their lockers by growing up and raising taxes on their former tormentors.

Anyway, now that football is done, there is always NASCAR. That would be helpful except that I don’t watch NASCAR. I haven’t been able to watch a race since Dale Earnhardt died. I do root for his son, but not enough to watch. I know that I am not a fan of pretty boy Jeff Gordon.

As comedian and blue collar hero Jeff Foxworthy points out, “Jeff Gordon is not a real racer. Jeff Gordon is not a real racer, because Jeff Gordon can enunciate.” Now Dale Earnhardt was as incomprehensible as “Boomhauer” on “King of the Hill.” That was an auto racer.

So with no real sports on television, I would rather people read other blogs rather than wasting their time on mine. There are some funny people out there.

“America Needs Me” is the blog of conservative comedian Stephen Kruiser. I do not recall who introduced me to him, but the guy is warped and funny.

http://stephenkruiser.blogspot.com/

http://www.stephenkruiser.com/

While my blog is not about equal time, a liberal comedian worth checking out is Jackie Clarke. For those wondering why I would bother promoting a leftist, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I want to claw through her underwear with my teeth until she screams either my name or that of Ronald Reagan.

I am just trying to help out a friend, nothing more. As for rumors that I want to give her the ketchup bottle treatment, these rumors have to stop. They are totally inappropriate, and beneath the dignity of a hot piece of liberal tail like her. She has also a deep knowledge of football, but despite my begging her to send me a picture of her wearing only a football helmet, she remains chaste, at least with me.

http://www.jackieclarke.blogspot.com/

Not every comedian has a bottom that I want to play volleyball with. Despite my unhealthy affection for bald guys, I desire them much less than they desire me. Nevertheless, one cueball friend of mine deserves all the fame that comes his way, whether it be plenty or none. For those who are Jews or fans of Burger King and McDonalds, or all of the above, be warned in advance. As for Arabs that prefer falafel, to the best of my limited knowledge he has not offended you yet.

http://www.pointless-drivel.com/

One fellow sent me a nice note with his suggestion.

 

“Eric:

Thanks for your message. My sympathies. I too find the end of
football season to be the end of my active interest in sports.

Given your extensive acquaintance with the media and entertainment,
how about a commentary on cultural garbage of the week?

Tom”

The problem with this is that me pointing out cultural garbage would be hypocritical, given that my blog gets worse by the day. It hurts that every day other people are linking to my blog as an example of where society went wrong, so I will not sink to their level.

Thanks for nothing Tom!

I will say that while I like political brawling, rarely is it very funny. Yet Bill O’Reilly had on a guest that got off the line of the night, forcing me to rethink an issue. Given how closeminded I am, this is impressive.

Dr. Marc Lamont Hill is a young black professor of urban studies at Temple University. He is a liberal, but for once he made a good point. O’Reilly was suggesting in the wake of the most recent school shooting that professors should be allowed to carry concealed weapons. Now I am staunchly pro Second Amendment, but Dr. Hill asked a valid question. “Would you want Ward Churchill carrying a gun?”

In an ideal world, the professors would not be more psychotic than the student killers, but life is not ideal. I will have to ponder that one.

Another individual recommended to me that does not share my ideology is a fellow that is “Rudely Stamped.”

 

http://www.rudelystamped.blogspot.com/

Scroll down to his post on illegal immigration and the national debt. This fellow is a crackpot, meaning he might be right on target.

Another fellow that is highly entertaining is the Pissed Off Tree Rat. He likes the Detroit Lions, so I understand his pain.

http://pissedofftreerat.wordpress.com/

Lastly, for those that get beyond bored, I never get tired of the following clip of a prank phone call. Clips from Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men,” are spliced, and the woman receiving the call has no idea what hit her. It is only 75 seconds long.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jHytjg-5KA

Ok all, I am off to try and find reasons to live given that there is no football on Sunday. I shall ponder my pain while taking a nap. Your sympathy is underwhelming.

eric

 

 

Fear of the Follically Challenged

Friday, February 15th, 2008

There was a shooting in Illinois. People will make pious pronouncements, and then the story will fade.

The Wisconsin primary is in four days. Wake me up in 3 days in 23 hours.

Football season is over, and the Daytona 500 has nothing to do with football.

The writers’ strike ended. This is sad, but not news.

President’s Day could be an uplifting column about the Founding Fathers.

I guess what I am saying is that my column, which usually contributes nothing to decent society, will offer even less today.

No, I will not be doing recaps of episodes of the “Celebrity Apprentice,” but it is time to go back to the intellect that springs from my couch.

Yes, the guys and I were sitting around discussing the issues, and we have already exhausted the topics of C3PO and Fraggle Rock. Yet while Valentine’s Day would be a great day to debate whether or not lapdancing is cheating, that can wait until next year.

We are in the thick of a Presidential race, and I am deeply concerned that discrimination and bigotry will guide people. Oh sure, they claim they are openminded, saying all the right things when pollsters call. Yet when nobody is looking, will they truly have the courage to stop the discrimination against the follically challenged Americans?

It is time for a bald President.

Rudy Giuliani turned around New York City. He was amazing on 9/11. Yet Americans turned away from him. They looked deeper at him and concluded, sadly but accurately, “He’s bald.”

Fred Thompson was warm and cuddly, but all people talked about was frying an egg on top of that gleaming cueball. Oh yeah, and his wife was hot as well.

Jim Gilmore ran for President, although most people outside his family do not remember this. He was from Virginia. His platform? I forget. I just took  one look at him and said, “He’s bald.”

This discrimination has to stop.

The republican party’s best chance for winning the election on pure handsomeness went down the drain when Mitt Romney dropped out.

Unlike the big tent of the republican party, the democrats are as exclusionary as it gets. Barack Obama? Sure, he has funny ears, but so did Ross Perot. His crop on top is fine.

Hillary Clinton? No evidence exists that her hair is a weave. She is also married to Bill Clinton. He may not do anything with dignity or grace, but in terms of aging, he is a swan.

John Edwards? I will never be as pretty as that man, and I am pretty d@ng pretty.

The democrats are elitist Hollywood snobs. Unless you are straight out of central casting, you are banned from the stage.

Republicans even allowed a man with a full beard and top hat to lead them. His birthday is this month, although he shares it now with a fellow who wore a white wig. The bottom line is that republicans are the physical egalitarians.

Is Actor Roscoe Lee Browne a republican? If so, he can be Vice President. He is black, bald, and charismatic. He might also be deceased, so this suggestion is pending his currently actually existing.

Telle Savalas can be Attorney General, if Fred Thompson is unavailable.

The fear of the follically challenged must stop. They are people, they are among us, and they are demanding their place at the table.

This is just another reason to support John McCain.

I see the tide turning. At least 70-80% of the republican electorate supported follically challenged candidates. This is a mandate.

I am just trying to prevent riots in the street. When fat, bald, white men in their 50s start storming the American equivalent of whatever a Bastille is, watch out.

No longer should men have to go underground and remain in the closet. David Letterman makes 30 million dollars per year, and society has him wearing a toupee. Despite encouragement from Dr. Phil, Letterman will not join him and ditch the dishrag.

John Kerry claimed his band of brothers, but what is fighting with people in a war when they are jealous of your perfect mane?

John McCain is an American hero. He was tortured at the Hanoi Hilton for 5 1/2 years. They broke his ribs and fractured his arms and legs. They also shaved his head. Perhaps this is why he is against torture. Nobody should have their head shaved. To compound the pain, his captors grew thick beards.

Whether it be Al Queda or the Taliban, inbetween bouts of terrorism, these men are growing excess hair. How dare they mock male pattern baldness! That is unamerican, and these savages must be stopped.

John McCain gave his hair for his country. His follicles are probably still in that Vietnamese prison.

I am lucky enough as of this column to have a full head of spectacular hair. I am not Mitt Romney or John Edwards, but I am handsomer than the average bear.

Yet some of the people that have provided me with some of the best things in my life were follically challenged. I owe them my support.

Blind people have eye doctors. Deaf people can be given hearing aids. Fat people can diet or have liposuction.

There is no cure for the follically challenged.

Somebody must defend these people. Otherwise, if we lose our hair, nobody will be left to speak up for us.

Jim Gilmore, Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani had accomplishments. The American people did not care. The democrats were busy deciding between three perfectly coiffed individuals that had perfect hair and nothing else.

So I say turn up the radios, let “The Cowsills,” sing, “Flow it there, show it there, long, beautiful, my hair,” and pay homage to those who lack what we still hold dear.

John McCain is tested. He will not be afraid of terrorists, even ones that have excess hair.

So before we go to the polls in November, I shall leave you with the chant that caused my team to lose “Colorwar” at Summer Camp back in 1980. We were ahead by 2 1/2 points, and the 5 point penalty costs us the championship. The unit head did not find it funny. Instead of penalizing us for our chant, he should have worn it like a badge of honor.

Bald is beautiful.

Let the chrome domes roam. Vote for John McCain.

eric

Happy “Force men to spend money so your gender will leave us alone” Day

Thursday, February 14th, 2008

Happy “Force men to spend money so your gender will leave us alone” Day!

Yes, it is February 14th.

http://www.worldloveinc.us/page/page/1391009.htm

First, let’s dispense with some myths, and contrary to what an eighth grader once wrote in an essay, a myth is not a female moth.

Myth # 1) I am against Valentine’s Day because I am lonely.

Fact–I am dating a lovely woman. We are happy.

Myth # 2) Valentine’s Day is not about bleeding mens’ wallets.

Fact–The jewelry, chocolate, flower and teddy bear industries beg…and beg…and beg…to differ…inbetween bouts of begging.

Myth # 3) Women should be treated extra special on Valentine’s Day.

Fact–Every day should be Valentine’s Day. Getting it right one day per year does not permit being a screwup the other 364 days. It means guys can clean their own laundry, put it away themselves, cook their own dinner, do the dishes, and care what their woman has to say when she is pouring her heart out (with exemptions during NFL Sundays).

I am not anti-love. I am anti-stupidity. Forced romance based on artificial timetables and constraints is the height of stupidity.

Now as much as I would like to wish sweet nothings on Shannon Doherty and every republican Jewish brunette on the planet, I need to save a certain amount of goodness for the intensely kind lady that sent me some hate mail yesterday.

She read my column entitled “repeal the 19th Amendment” and got her panties in a wad.

http://tygrrrrexpress.com/2008/01/repeal-the-19th-amendment/

I am just thankful she did not read about my fantasies involving Bea Arthur and Monique from Showtime at the Apollo. Then she would have really thought I had screws loose.

After all, how many people are convinced that C3PO is homosexual, most likely a Log Cabin Republican? How many stay up at night wondering if C3PO could win a fistfight with Wembley the Fraggle from Fraggle Rock?

Yep, I am a strange ducky, with apologies to web footed friends everywhere, especially since a duck might be somebody’s mother.

Now that my deadly serious credentials have been established, I bring you the rantings of a flaming feminist (redundant, I know). I would remark that this woman needs a good paddling on her badonkadonk, but that would inflame the situation (as well as the bandonkadonk itself), and lord knows I am not about inciting trouble. Below is her screed.

“Okay, I don’t know who you are or what this website is all about, but I think this was the most ignorant article I have ever read. Canceling the 19th Amendment? Are you mentally unstable or something? I know you were trying to make a point- I got that. But it was a stupid way of getting there. Not every women agrees with Hillary Clinton’s ideas and will vote for her just because we want to get the male population in this country back for all of the inequality it has put us through in history. Personally, I love Obama and I think he can bring about change. But if he wanted to cancel women’s suffrage, like you say you want to, I would call him a testosterone driven bigot who shouldn’t even be participating in politics.”

I shall now repeat her comments, interspersed with my own rapier wit.

"Okay, I don't know who you are…"

I am eric! I am thrilled we cleared that up!

"or what this website is all about…,"

Well don’t let me stop you from jumping to conclusions!

"but I think this was the most ignorant article I have ever read."

1)	What was the other article you read, not counting anything with pictures?
2)	Yeah baby! I’m # 1! Take that other alpha males!

"Canceling the 19th Amendment? Are you mentally unstable or something?"

I just might be….until the verdict comes back, I will go with “or something.”

"I know you were trying to make a point- I got that."

Well bully for you! I shall toss thee a cracker like I do with the other baby seals.

"But it was a stupid way of getting there."

Actually it was pretty d@ng funny to anybody with a sense of humor. You, most likely
being a feminist, lack this.

"Not every women agrees with Hillary Clinton's ideas and will vote for
her just because we want to get the male population in this country back for all
of the inequality it has put us through in history."

Life sucks, get a helmet, and stand in line behind every other victim group. I gave
at the office.

"Personally, I love Obama and I think he can bring about change. But if he
wanted to cancel women's suffrage, like you say you want to, I would call him
a testosterone driven bigot who shouldn't even be participating in politics."

I agree. Anybody who seriously advocated that would be uncivilized. I on the other
hand was not being serious. I do not believe we should take women and give them
the ketchup bottle treatment, no matter how lovely their badonkadonk. However, I
do believe any woman that interrupts me when I am watching football should come
down with laryngitis.

Oh, and Adam was blameless. It was all Eve’s fault…and nobody cares about the WNBA
or Lifetime Network. Ok, that covers everything.

eric  :)

P.S. Happy "Force Men to spend money so your gender will leave us alone"
Day, aka February 14th.

Ok all, I think the point has been rammed down this woman’s throat, which I cannot say is a location I would want myself to be, because I have never seen her pictures. Also, the woman I am dating would throttle me, and lord knows she is a patient one. She has to be. She is dating me.

Now to go plan a nice weekend for her, not because a holiday dictates it, but because she is sweet and unpretentious, and the less she asks for, the more I want to give her.

Happy February 14th everybody! For those celebrating, remember two things…

1) The J. Geils Band singing “Love Stinks,” is not the way to score points.

2) Feminists are people too. They have the same needs and desires as everybody else. They just need it from each other, not men.

eric

Hillary Will Defeat Obama

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

Hillary Clinton will defeat Barack Obama for the democratic nomination for President.

Anybody can back somebody when they are winning. I am prepared to throw out every piece of evidence, data, and logic, and say that Hillary will win.

Yes, I know, Obama has been racking up primary and caucus victories like they were candyin some cases by 50 percentage points. It does not matter.

Yes, I know Clinton just fired her campaign manager, and that her campaign is supposedly in turmoil and besieged by infighting. It does not matter.

Yes, Barack Obama raised 32 million dollars in one month, while Hillary Clinton had to loan her campaign 5 million of her own personal wealth to stay afloat. It does not matter.

Yes, Obama is getting all the press coverage, and it is overwhelmingly positive. Grab a bullhorn, go to the rooftop, and listen to me shout that it does not matter.

Yes, I said that the chances of Hillary losing were about as likely as the Patriots losing to the Giants in the Superbowl. Yes, the Patriots lost. It does not matter. If anything, it makes a Hillary win more likely, since there is not enough room for two feel good stories of David defeating Goliath in the same year.

Hillary will win the nomination, and Obama will lose.

So what is my evidence? Nothing more than deep feelings in my gut.

That’s it? That’s all I have to offer? No evidence?

No. No statistical evidence. Unless one counts a lifetime of victories by Bill and Hillary Clinton. That is the only statistic that matters. The numbers do not matter, except for wins and losses.

The Clintons supposedly lost the Governor’s mansion in 1980. It was just a temporary setback, and he came back two years later. They supposedly lost it all in 1994 when the republicans took over Congress. This faulty logic implied that the Clintons even cared about that. They did not care about the party. They care first and foremost about themselves, and self preservation combined with triangulation brought them easy reelection in 1996.

In 2000, Hillary moved to a state she had never lived in, and won a Senate seat. She won a landslide reelection even as voters knew she was only using them as a stepping stone to the Presidency.

This is what allows Hillary to win. There is nothing bad left to say about her. It has all been said. All the negatives are already factored in.

The people who hate her have maxed out. If anything, she might win over a small amount of them. Those who love her will fight to the death for her. People have gone to jail for this woman. They have died for her. They will do anything for her. That means anything.

Anything means destroying a man who is an image, but largely undefined.

Some speculate that Hillary will not engage in a search and destroy mission against Obama because it would decimate the party. This does not matter, because Hillary has never cared about the party. She and her husband are narcissists. If Obama has to be obliterated for a greater good, which to her means her, then so be it. Besides, the republicans would do it anyway, so she is just doing the party a favor.

I want to be wrong. I would be delighted to finally see these two political heat seeking missiles done in by their own arrogance. The Clintons claim that they want to end the politics of personal destruction. This is not possible as long as they are on the scene because they are the politics of personal destruction.

So what should republicans do?

They should stay as far away from this as possible.

Some republicans want to go after Obama hard now because they think that Hillary would be the easier general election opponent. Some conservatives are licking their chops at facing Hillary.

These people need to be drug tested. The Clintons are the same people that cleaned republican clocks in the 1990s, except that they are older and wiser. Republicans that brag that they are not afraid of the Clintons ought to pipe down and develop a healthy dose of fear.

I am screaming until I am blue in the face that Hillary can win.

As for those who want to bring down Obama, wait until the d@mn general election. Let Hillary do the worst damage. Otherwise, it will boomerang back and garat us.

I am not laying a glove on Obama. If he should somehow win the nomination, I am not going near his religion or any other nonscandals that will blow up in our faces.

Calling him “B. Hussein Obama” is childish. He is American, and was not a supporter of the former Iraqi dictator. His cocaine usage as a teenager is irrelevant. George W. Bush was not a choirboy as a teenager.

Yes, there are questions about Obama’s Pastor, but unless hard evidence emerges that Barack Obama would subvert America, this argument is a dead end. As for the Muslim angle, Obama has insisted that he is a Christian. To doubt his sincerity on the issue would be insulting. Religion should not be an issue in the campaign, be it Mitt Romney’s Mormonism, or any other candidate’s beliefs.

The race card? Out of the question.

So what is left?

How about policy. It is the last thing the media thinks about, but it matters most.

Barack Obama is an empty suit. He stands for nothing. He is a walking platitude of uselessness.

The left wants to pretend that Americans will not vote for a man that is black. Let them hurl all the insults on the planet. That is what they do anyway. It is reverse psychology, a way of bullying people into voting for somebody. Better to support an unqualified man than be a racist.

Going into the gutter against the Clintons in a general election would be easy because we would be in the gutter as soon as the campaign started. The Clintons are the gutter.

Obama has nowhere to go but down. People believe in him right now, but as soon as he lets his supports down…which he will because nobody can stay on a pedestal forever…the reaction away from him will be as rapid as his rise.

The Clintons could deck Obama’s children, take their candy, and make them cry, and James Carville would mumble, “that’s just Arkansas politics.” The republicans would get blamed.

If Obama were to survive the Clintons, it would finish them. Therefore, they will pull out all the stops. They do not need to fear blowback because they have already absorbed every possible type of hit on their character. If both candidates hit rock bottom, the Clintons will lift each other up.

The only way the republicans can win the election without being seen as racist, sexist, homophobic pigs is to make sure that all the cheap shots are within the internal confines of the democratic party. They are the ones obsessed with race and division, they just never get called on it.

Yes, it is frustrating knowing that we as republicans have to apologize for having the nerve to vote for our own candidate, a decorated war hero. If he wins, it will be because we are bigots, not because the better candidate won.

The shame in all of this is that there are so many blacks and women that are far better candidates than Obama and Hillary. Listing them could take days.

The best thing for republicans to do is to let Hillary take down Obama. Then republicans can take down the woman who took down Obama. Let Hillary sink to the level that no self respecting person would go anywhere near.

If Obama wins the nomination, the general election will be about issues, not scandals. It will be about liberalism versus conservatism, between two polite, respectful, and completely different individuals.

That is too much to ask. The media thrives on food fights.

They love Obama now, but they love winning more. That means democrats must win. Hillary Clinton has 35 years of accomplishing nothing, but she did defeat the republicans.

The media is getting ready to savage John McCain. Backing from Huckabee supporters means that McCain is backed by bible thumping knuckle draggers. Backing from Romney supporters means support from zealous cultists. Support from Giuliani backers means being supported by racial polarizers. It does not matter that McCain is a good, decent man. The vultures are awaiting to rip him apart, shred by patriotic shred.

As for Obama, it was a good ride while it lasted.

So how does one stop Hillary Clinton?

I wish I knew.

I just hope somebody in the republican camp figures it out before November.

eric

Killer Khalid Sheik Mohammed on Trial

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

Killer Khalid Sheik Mohammed is going on trial, and prosecutors are seeking the death penalty. The mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks is finally, God willing, on his path to hell.

While this would normally be something positive, my cause for dismay is the lack of exposure this story is getting.

I mean how can Greta Van Substanceless talk about it when there is more non-information about Natalee Holloway? After all, don’t we need another story about Joran Van Der Sloot?

http://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/04/the-war-against-nonsense/

http://tygrrrrexpress.com/2007/06/how-can-we-worry-about-al-queda-when-phtv-is-the-only-news/

Why would the democrats discuss this, or any other issue? Isn’t the real story about the horse race? Will Barack Obama win white voters? Can Hillary win anybody besides aging white women?

How can we discuss Khalid Sheik Mohammed? After all, isn’t the big story Chelsea Clinton? Didn’t some news reporter refer to her using an insulting term?

I have said in the past that we cannot win the War on Terror until we win the war against nonsense. Right now the war against nonsense is winning.

The closest thing to substance will be whether or not John McCain can mend fences with the far right wing his his party. Yet even this story misses the mark as well. The conflicts focused on are illegal immigration and campaign finance reform. The real issue should be torture.

Khalid Sheik Mohammed was waterboarded. Only three people have been waterboarded by U.S. soldiers. He was one of them. McCain is against torture, including waterboarding. If he had been in charge, would he have allowed Killer Khalid to be waterboarded?

Khalid is getting a military trial. What do Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama think about this? Should military trials be abolished?

Prosecutors are seeking the death penalty. What do Hillary and Obama think about this. If the ACLU tries to prevent an execution from being carried out, where will they stand?

Killer Khalid was being held at Guantanamo Bay. Those that wish to shut down Gitmo need to have an alternative location to house bloodthirsty murderers like Khalid. Would they be willing to have him kept in a maximum security prison in Arizona, Illinois or New York? Or should Gitmo stay open?

The proceedings will be public. Is this wise? Is full disclosure a danger to jury members, putting their lives at risk?

Given that staunch allies in the War on Terror England and Australia are both against capital punishment, how can we mend those fences without caving on the issue?

Will networks be able to stop babbling about the “Potomac Primary” just long enough to focus on this story? Or do we really need to know whether a bunch of liberal lacktivists known as Superdelegates will screw up an election between two irrelevant individuals?

There is a hole in the ground, and 3000 Americans are dead. Can the media for five minutes remove their collective heads from Barack Obama’s anus? Can we either take Joran Van Der Sloot and either shoot him or let him go for good already?

Do we need to focus on imbecilic rappers wearing offensive t-shirts at an awards show nobody acres about? Do we need stories about the writers’ strike? People not going to work is not news. It is not like anything of consequence is being written about anyway.

Can’t we give Paul McCartney and Heather Mills guns and let them duel at 10 paces?

Hillary Clinton fired some Mexican woman nobody should care about and replaced her with some black woman nobody should care about. Actually, to be fair, some woman who happened to be Mexican was fired and replaced by a woman who happens to be black.

A presidential candidate with no shot of winning is arguing over votes as if the year was 2000. No word yet on how Al Gore feels about this.

I would say more, but conveying disgust is almost as much a waste of time as reading the nonsense anywhere else.

I shall leave the stupidity to others. I would say more, but if I start surfing the internet now, I might find an article about Killer Khalid Sheik Mohammed somewhere.

eric

Suicide Bomber Republicans

Monday, February 11th, 2008

Quick irrelevant note…This column was actually written on February 8th, 2008, or 2-8-8. 2-8-8 is the pattern of electrons that form noble gases, which are stable. I know nothing about science, and therefore have no idea what I am talking about. Now, onto politics, another topic that I know nothing about, but continue to blog about. Unlike noble gases, the people quoted below are highly unstable. None of them are protons, because protons are positive.

G. Gordon Liddy, one of the last people on Earth to be thought of as a liberal, has become one of the voices of reason in the raging debate about John McCain. He advocates that republicans and conservatives rally around McCain, and that we do not sit out the election, or worse, vote for Hillary Clinton. He is right. He refers to those who want to destroy McCain from the right as “Suicide Bomber Republicans.” I have told the crazies to knock it off and fall into line. Not all of the critics of McCain are crazy, but too many of them are. I am not trying to silence them. I am pointing out that that the time to work on McCain is during the primaries and after the general election, but not during the general election. We have to be united. If they have to criticize at the worst possible time, at least do so in a civilized manner.
I am a rock ribbed conservative republican. I am no RINO (Republican in name only). I have an ideology, but I prefer winning to ideological purity. Winners govern. John McCain is our leader, and I support him.

Some say Obama could be his foe, but this will not happen. The Patriots lost the Superbowl, and one miracle per year is all that the universe allows. I made the following vow on Michelle Malkin’s website:

“If Barack Obama wins the Presidency, I will send a picture of myself to Ms. Malkin, and give her permission to superimpose my picture on a donkey under the headline, ‘another Jack@ss gets it wrong.’

This is a binding contract. I will put it all on the line. Barack Obama will not be President. My chips are pushed to the front of the table.

I do not even expect him to beat Hillary, because her minions have time to destroy him using their typical cutthroat methods.”

I am less frightened by liberals propelling Obama than I am by conservatives who have gone over the edge of anything constituting reasonable human behavior. If Bill Cosby and Juan Williams can criticize black people, I can criticize conservative republicans who bash John McCain for the same reason…I am one of them, and I deeply care.

This is not about disagreeing with him. Many normal people do. The comments below represent the lunatics, and I will try and stop them so that I can go back to dealing with liberals.

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/02/11/mccain-estrangement-syndrome/

“If McShame is the candidate, then he’ll get my vote. But I won’t be voting for him, I’ll voting for the troops.”

“Gingrich was fake. He hardly tried to pass the ‘contract with America’ bills.”

“McVain is no more for the troops than Obama or Hillary.”

“If McCain wins the election, a conservative majority in the Congress will be obliged to follow him over the cliff of socialism as they did with Bush.”

The Dub is a socialist? Who knew? D@mn butterfly ballot.

“JOHN MCCAIN IS NOT A MODERATE. HE HAS VOTED MORE LIBERAL THAN HILLARY from 1997-2007. Check out his record. Paaaleeezee people. Stop just chanting McCain’s montra.”

Actually it’s mantra. The man above may be a manstrosity.

“You still think McCain will have our troops best interests in mind and you are calling us 5th graders? McCain “swift boated” the Swift Boaters. The verterans do not support him.”

No, but the veterans do. I would say McCain is the one being swift boated, but that would imply that being swift boated was a bad thing. Being lied about is a bad thing. John Kerry was the slanderer, not the victim. Also, Ghenghis Khan should not be pronounced with a Brahmin sounding J.

“Borrow-and-spend combines the liberal spending and big government philosophy of the Democrats with the irresponsibility of a reformed Democrat (Reagan) or of a reformed drunk (Bush). Not what I call conservatism.

And last but not least, George Washington had it right on Israel and the neo-‘conservatives’ War on Terror when he said:”

I left out the remaining pointless antisemitism of the post. Also, George Washington retired in 1797, and Israel was created in 1948.

“For all of you panicking about the welfare of the troops thinking McNasty is the only answer take a freaking chill pill!”

“Oh and George Bush was a moderate, John McCain is a liberal. Think about it? Republicans are moving to “reach across the eisle” to democrats so well they are now just as liberal.”

“This whole ‘vote for McCain because he’s our only choice now’ reminds me a line I heard in the movie Pure Country….Quoted by Ernest Tucker “The funny thing about that little white speck on the top of chicken Sh__. That little white speck is chicken Sh__ too.”Hillary and Obama are the pile and McCain is the little white speck.””Vote for McCain. NEVER.So long as he has the anti-borders staff he has he can go straight to hell. And that’s just the beginning.I will show up. I will vote for conservatives. And I will write-in “Mickey Mouse” for the rest.”Mickey Mouse? Now this is a serious voter. If Mickey Mouse is in hell, then what? At least one guy besides me had a sense of humor.

“Dude!! Mickey Mouse is a big tax and spend liberal who wants free government cheese for everyone at taxpayers expense!

Don’t Do It!”

Now back to the lunatics.

“Just in case B.H.O. is nominated… whick seems likely at this poiitn..bumper sticker suggestion…VOTE MCCAIN NOT HUSSEIN!”Now that is how to win people over, comparing a guy who I have said is an empty suit but a good guy to a man who murdered over a million people. No wonder liberals keep fighting the war. They think Dubya tried to kill Obama.”Jesus NEVER advocated compromise, he commanded ‘pick a side’, ‘you’re either with me or against me’ and ‘if you’re lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth!’ The GOP is either true conservative or NOT.”Jesus preached love and tolerance. Even Mike Huckabee can’t get the endorsement of Jesus, and his life is dedicated to him. Also, spitting is impolite.

“I call on Senior McPain to refuse his paycheck as long as he is on the road neglecting his job getting amnesty for illegal aliens.”

Minus the slur, I think both nominees should resign their seat. Bob Dole did honorably, and Joseph Lieberman should have done it.

Ross Perot has told us all about McCain’s treachery against his first wife. McCains deliberate resistance against rescuing American POWs from Vietnam and the USSR is a matter of public record.”

Ross Perot? I forgot he was the voice of reason and not somebody into conspiracy theories about his daughter’s wedding.

The following person actually supports McCain, but sometimes even people who agree with me make me hang my head in shame.

“On behalf of baby killers everywhere, thank you Michelle and you other ideological purists. And to think we’re only one vote away from Roe v. Wade being overturned!Enjoy explaining yourselves to the unborn in the next life.”
Ok, back to the anti-McCain hysterics.
“he has apparently deployed his minions to sites like this to force people into line through the use of tactics I find objectionable.”So now he is sending me and other goons onto conservative sites to suppress their right to lambaste him. Apparently only venom spewing people that hate McCain are clear thinkers. I might watch “Goonies,” to see what a goon does.”have you not read ANYTHING on this site recently about John McCain? ‘a whiff of moderate centrism’ – that’s like saying Adolf Hitler had a ‘whiff of antisemitism’.”At that point I had had it and replied myself.

“Commenter # 35…nice use of Hitler.

How utterly disgusting.

Yeah yeah, it was only an analogy…spare me.

I don’t care.

Hitler tried to kill my dad. McCain did not. Period.”

Yet the foaming at the mouth continued.

“If you are woo’ed by this man, you are a fool. His actions have been consistently anti-conservative. Even when he happened to vote conservative, it seemed to leave a bad taste in his mouth.”

So the 82% of the time he votes conservative according to the ACU is just an acting job. Somebody buy him some vanilla mint Listerine or Scope.

“I also listened to McCain’s speech today. I found it as short on vision, as are his arms!”

Disgusting. Truly disgusting.

“Anyone know of a site that has McCain’s history? I wanna learn a little more about him.”

The following above comment is very openminded, but I included it for a specific reason. On a site filled with comments, the above fellow felt that none of them had credibility to give him a fair picture. He wanted to go somewhere else to actually learn. Good for him. He is right.

“Bush had indicated early on he would veto anything with amnesty in it. But of course JORGE BUSH was right on board with McCain and kennedy, wasnt he….”

“I cant forget McCains role, but thank god we stopped it and humbled the arrogant SOB.”

“Talked the talk, but will he walk the walk?

Not unless we put the proper planks in the platform then nail McCain’s feet to them.”

I have not heard such violence since I watched an antiwar peace rally.

“Michelle (Malkin) lives in a blue state (Maryland). That state will go democratic even if Pol Pot was running.”

Ok, I admit, that was funny to me. Yet to many, Pol Pot is Hitler. We have to tone it down. Even some liberals would support Dubya to Pol Pot. I hope.

“We have to pound the crap out of McCain until we get some real, quantifiable attention from him on the shamnesty issue.”

“Grab your 2 by 4 Conservative Plank of choice (immigration, border, taxes, judges, global warming, etc), and help pound it into the GOP Party Platform – and from there up-side McCain’s maverick head to fully get his attention.”

“If you have the guts, grab a ‘plank’ and start swinging like Buford Pusser.””We have 6 months to beat some sense into the party and McCain.”Hey, let’s take an elderly war hero and inflict violence upon him! I know, it is a metaphor. It is a horrible one, beneath the dignity of any rational human being. I do not tolerate such language form liberals, and I expect better from conservatives.”I feel almost like a battered wife being told by her abusive husband (McCain and the GOP establishment) how he has changed and wants me back after his pretty sounding speech.The cycle of abuse stops here!

So people can threaten to beat up McCain with a 2 by 4, but he cannot defend himself. Got it. Makes sense.

“Condhimmi Rice would be your conservative choice for VP?”

Yeah, Condi is an Arab lover. Oh no wait, she isn’t.

“This is not the country that I grew up in in the 50s: National pride, work ethic, strong families, very low divorce rate, stay at home Moms, decent Hollywood movies and TV, people going to church, neighborhood picnics, one American car in the driveway, ‘57 Chevy Convertibles, board games with Mom & Dad in the evening, the senior prom in the HS gym….. No internet, no cell phones, no Iphones, very little Hollywood trash, no gay issues, no Hondas or Toyotas, no CDs or DVDs……”

Yeah, the 1950s, when liberals controlled everything. No thank you, I will take the last quarter century of conservative dominance. Also, there were gay issues back then. The President of Iran still thinks there are no gays. They always existed, they are just now being treated as human beings. Plus, I like the internet. I meet pretty girls on here.

“Any idea where the rent a mob of McCain supporters came from?”

We are called people. Mobs shout and scream. I am calm and rational.

“But if the man forces God’s hand, because what he is reaching out to take hold of and squeeze to death is too important to God, and he would not let God help him with his own heart in private, then in a very public manner, God will show him and anyone else looking, exactly what he really is.

Today, February 7, exactly 9 months to the day before Election Day – following Super Tuesday, and Ronald Reagan’s birthday, a blackhearted man tries to wrest the Reagan reputation for himself to grab power to NOT be a servant of all, but to be a destroyer,
trying to grab the reputation of Ronald Reagan for himself, the very words of Ronald Reagan in CPAC 1975 show the very ironic Truth about a man who does not in fact have an ounce of humility in his entire body – glaringly portrays the stark contrast.

In this other instance, there is no display of humility, of a heart tuned towards God, or mindful of the First calling of any who would be elevated – “Be a Servant of All! First!”

Nothing could be further from his mind or heart.”

Most religious people are not zealots. Either the above commenter is God…or a zealot. I suspect the latter, but will repent if I am wrong.

“So we must be looking at one of the most rare and most stunning events being prepared for the world stage in all of recorded human history.”

I thought I destroyed that sex tape. Don’t blame Shannon Doherty. She is a sweet girl. I am the sick one. Man I wish I did not make that up. I so adore her.

“You cannot plop a dead vulture on the dining table and get mad at the folks for not sitting down with the family and having a nice holiday meal with you.

And go pick up the furniture YOU knocked over with my bruised body, yourself.

And YOU wash my blood off your hands and the walls – and do it without my help.

I’ll be busy elsewhere.”

I will be busy trying to question why eugenics is illegal when commenters like that exist.

“I cannot imagine anyone on earth spending 10 MINUTES in such a pool having any SYMPATHY or any STOMACH for the sight of McCain on the issue of the WATERBOARDING hysterics he is dishing to our boys, making their jobs the hardest he can – OBVIOUSLY HOPING TO MAKE THEM SO IMPOSSIBLE THE KIDS JUST FLAT DROP OUT OF OUR MILITARY ALL TOGETHER!

The very IDEA of McCAIN being a CONSIDERATION of a Commander in Chief to anyone who has watched his public performance in the MSM for the last 5 years – IN TANDEM AND HARNESS YOKE WITH THE LIKES OF TOADY CHAPPAQUIDDICK KENNEDY AND HANOI JOHN – is enough to make me go CAMPAIGN for the DEMOCRATS AND SOCIALISTS AND COMMUNIT PARTIES IN AMERICA – and RALPH NADER’S GREEN PARTY, TOO!

I may not stop puking for 5 years that YOU had the gall to sit here on Michelle Malkin’s site and ESPOUSE MCCAIN AS A COMMANDER IN CHIEF!

Like Joseph Mengele for teaching BEDSIDE MANNERS TO DOCTORS.

Not to insult Joseph Mengele.

And yes, I am getting MADDER!

I am sorry, I know it is not your fault.
I am not mad at you – I am just very angry.”

Joseph Mengele? I spoke too soon about eugenics. I rarely endorse illegal activity, but somebody get the above guy a call girl and calm him down. Or if he is like many enraged moralists, a call boy.

“PLEASE INVESTIGATE McCAIN BUTT BUDDY FRED with Ann Coulter, George Will, and a dozen other great columnists before doing something that would make you feel JUST AS STUPID AS VOTING FOR McCAIN!”

At this point I thought of the Will Ferrell movie “Anchorman.” Several of the characters started yelling, and then weatherman Brick Tamland (played by Steve Carrell) and his IQ of 48 started yelling randomly just to fit in. I, with an IQ of at least 50, briefly adopted that character with my comments below.

“CAPITAL LETTERS!
YELLING!
SHOUTING!VICIOUS INSULTS!
BUTT BUDDIES!TOURETTES SYNDROME!RATIONAL DISCOURSE!Oh wait…make that rational discourse.

I thought I was on the Daily Kos website for a second.

McCain is looking better by the minute, and some of his detractors need to be tested for rabies.

I pray the liberal media does not peruse this thread. Ms. Malkin may wish to cancel the entire thread, my own posts included (although I hope she does not).

Hillary could not ask for anything more than some of the above comments.

Ok, back to leading my normal, mainstream conservative life.

NORMAL.”

I am aware that some liberals will use this column to indict all conservatism. I am prepared for that chance. I will not sit back and let a good, decent man and war hero like John McCain be smeared by people not fit to lick his boots.

I expect the liberals to try and destroy him the minute the democrats pick a nominee. I expect them to foam at the mouth. Let them. That is what they do.

All I know is that when the conservatives come out with their guns blazing, somebody had better tell the lead shooters to not be standing in a circle.

It is not the issue of disagreeing. To paraphrase a consultant that I disagreed with, but who knew how to win elections…it’s the vitriol, stupid.

Whether right wingers masquerading as American conservatives, or Palestinians masquerading as poor misunderstood innocents, I have no patience for suicide bombers.

eric

NFL 2007–2008 Pro Bowl Recap

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

The Super Bowl is actually not the last NFL game of the year. One week after the Super Bowl is the Pro Bowl.

The Super Bowl features the players from the two best teams, or to be more specific, the best team in each conference. The Pro Bowl features the best players from all 32 teams, although certainly not in equal proportion. It is the equivalent of what other leagues call the All Star Game.

Although other leagues have their All Star Game at the midpoint of the season, the NFL does it at the end of the year due to the severe risk of injury associated with football. Defenses may not blitz, play bump and run, or have nickel or dime packages. The downside is that the game is anticlimactic for many people, and watched by few.

It is also a time of sadness, since after the Pro Bowl, there is not meaningful NFL Football until September. Yes, there is the draft in April, and Preseason, but that is not the same. After the Pro Bowl, for 7 months, Sundays are a waste.

The rules of the game are set up to encourage high scoring and minimize injury. Many players selected refuse to play, preferring an extra week of rest. Therefore, to encourage participation, the NFL holds the Pro Bowl in Honolulu, Hawaii. The league has flirted with rotating cities annually as is done with the Superbowl, but the players prefer Hawaii.

I attended the Pro Bowl in 2006 and 2007, but not this year due to my attending the Superbowl in Phoenix. Resources are finite, and mine are now very finite.

Like the Harlem Globetrotters in basketball, the Pro Bowl is mainly about entertainment. The teams are led by the coaching staffs of the teams that lost heir conference title games. The Chargers lost to the Patriots in the AFC, and the NFC saw the Packers fall to the Giants. So the Patriots and Giants play in the Superbowl, while the coaches of the Chargers and Packers led the Pro Bowl squads. The game usually features plenty of trick plays and blunders.

Yet ego plays a role, so the teams did not want to kick the ball to Joshua Cribbs of the Browns or Devon Hester of the Bears.

The AFC took the opening kickoff, and Peyton Manning of the Colts went to work. After a snap went over his head, resulting in 2nd and 30, a pass to Tony Gonzalez of the Chiefs followed by a pass to Braylon Edwards of the Cleveland Browns set the AFC up at the one yard line. Lorenzo Neal of the Chargers plowed in for the 7-0 lead.

The NFC began with Tony Romo of the Cowboys having a stalled drive. Yet a fake punt allowed the drive to continue, and Romo found Larry Fitzgerald of the Cardinals to tie the game at 7-7. Both teams needed about 4 minutes to score.

The AFC came back again fairly quickly, and Manning found Houshmanzadeh again, this time for a touchdown and a 14-7 lead. Again, the drive took about 4 minutes. After a fumble on the kickoff, Manning led the AFC in position again. This time the drive stalled, and Rob Bironas of the Tennessee Titans kicked a field goal. The AFC led 17-7 with 46 seconds left in the quarter.

The next NFC possession had Tony Rom’s pass bouncing off of the fingertips of Chris Cooley of the Redskins, and ending up intercepted by Antonio Cromartie of the San Diego Chargers. Cromartie returned it 56 yards. Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers replaced Manning, whose work was done for the day. From the one yard line, Big Ben threw a touchdown pass to Houshmanzadeh for a 24-7 AFC lead 3 minutes into the second quarter.

On the next NFC possession, Romo faced 4th and 13. He spun out of what appeared to be a certain sack, and found Dallas Cowboys teammate Terrell Owens for a 34 yard gain. On 3rd and goal from the 6, Romo found Owens for the touchdown. The gap was cut to 24-14 with 8 minutes left in the half.

Bironas then tacked on another field goal to put the AFC up 27-14. There is little pressure on kickers in this game since attempting to block field goals or extra points is prohibited.

Matt Hasselbeck of the Seattle Seahawks, who had replaced Tony Romo, led the NFC back. After a 40 yard run by Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, Hasselbeck found Chris Cooley of the Washington Redskins for a touchdown with 30 seconds left in the half. The AFC led 27-21.

For fans of the Silver and Black, it was a washout. The Raiders only had one Pro Bowl player, punter Shane Lechler. Neither team punted in the first half. The AFC scored all 5 times they had the ball.

For those at the game, the halftime show is a spectacular show of Hawaiian flavor. I was at home. I took a nap.

In the second half, Hasselbeck led a 6 minute drive that culminated in a 17 yard Adrian Peterson run. The NFC now led 28-27.

Derek Anderson of the Cleveland Browns came in at quarterback for the AFC, and rapidly led the team into scoring position. However, the drive bogged down around the 10 yard line, and Bironas kicked his third field goal to put the AFC back on top 30-28 midway through the third quarter.

On the ensuing kickoff, a takeoff on the Music City Miracle, Devon Hester stopped and lateraled it across the field to Jason Witten of the Dallas Cowboys, who took it to the AFC 34 yard line.

Jeff Garcia of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came in at quarterback for the NFC. He was the only representative of the entire NFC South. He replaced Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers, who decided to stay home and rest. Garcia was promptly intercepted by Antonio Cromartie, his second of the day.

Finally, with 3:37 left in the third quarter, a punt occurred. As expected, Shane Lechler boomed it over Devon Hester’s head for a touchback. Go Raiders!

www.justblogbaby.com

With 12 1/2 minutes remaining, Garcia threw a touchdown pass to Terrell Owens to put the NFC back on top, 35-30. Anderson brought the AFC back quickly. On 4th and 10 from the NFC 27, the AFC decided to go for it rather than have Bironas attempt his fourth field goal. In the Superbowl this is arrogance. In the Pro Bowl it is just the players having fun.

With 2:46 remaining, Adrian Peterson ran it in from 6 yards out for his second touchdown of the day. The NFC led 42-30. With 20 seconds left in the game, Darren Sharper of the Minnesota Vikings intercepted Anderson in the end zone to end the action of the final game of the year.

Adrian Peterson had two touchdowns and 129 yards rushing. He was the game MVP.

Men can now start sobbing uncontrollably. There is nothing to do on Sundays.

At least there is the NFL Network.

Thus, another season ends. May God bless the National Football League.

NFC 42, AFC 30.

eric