First Initials

On a weekend where ideas are as remote as…well, whatever else I think about…I have realized what truly allows people to succeed in life. It is not hard work, or perseverance. It is having a first initial. Like the monocle that makes the Monopoly Man, a first initial conveys importance.

I was going to cite 26 examples, and discovered that a couple of the gentlemen below was working on the exact same project at the exact same time. I hate it when others take the screws loose in my head and find a perfect match in their own craniums.

Like the other fellows, I simply could not think of all of them on my own. Also, I did not want to confine the list to individuals. Entities can be created out of first initials. With that, below is my list.

A Martinez–He played Cruz on Santa Barbara. Guys who watch soap operas should be ashamed of themselves. Dallas and Desperate Housewives are exempt because they are not soap operas. They are prime time dramas.

B Dalton–Every successful bookstore involves Bs, but this chain is the only letter B. All hail the B, the first letter in books!

C. Everett Koop–I still do not know what the Surgeon General actually does, and his beard frightens me. Nevertheless, people have heard of him.

D Nice–He was a rapper. I care not to know any more for fear of admitting that I used to know this stuff. Yeah, I was hard core at one point.

E Trade–This is now an E world. We have e-commerce, e-conferences, evites, e-signatures, and of course, my occasional nickname of E-Dawg.

F. Scott Fitzgerald–He wrote stuff.

(Honorable mention: F. Lee Bailey)

G. Gordon Liddy–Forget his time in jail. He invented the phrase “suicide bomber republicans” to describe those on the right that do not fall in line.

H. Ross Perot–He inspired a Sesame Street character known as H. Ross Parrot. His ears were as impressive as his charts and graphs.

I. Lewis Libby–If your nickname was Scooter, you would go with the first initial as well. Scooter was also the little known nickname of B.A. Baracus on the A-Team, as played by Mr. T. I pity the fool that does not see the importance in all those initials.

J. Danforth Quayle–Gunga Dan Rather, in one of his many disgraces, could not simply call the former Vice President “Dan.” Unlike J. Edgar Hoover, Dan Quayle did not wear women’s underclothing.

K Mart–Does the K stand for king? I am not sure if they are a greater mart than Walmart, but I do not want to start a mart war.

L. Brent Bozell–He runs the Media Research Center, which specialized in showing that the media are a bunch of lying liberals that hate Middle America.

(Honorable mention: L. Ron Hubbard)

M. Jodi Rell–She is the Governor of Connecticut.

N. Gregory Mankiw–Click on the link, I stole this one.

O. Bruton Smith–This was thievery as well.

(Honorable mention: Oprah Winfrey for “O” Magazine)

P. Diddy–He is sometimes Puff Daddy. I do not know exactly what he does, but neither does he. He did have sex with J-Lo, who used to be Jennifer Lopez before going thuggish and getting an initial. He also played with guns. He does other stuff, which seems to be entertainment related, including throwing parties.

Q–James Bond may have gotten the ladies, but Q had better gadgets than inspector Gadget himself.

R Kelly–Men everywhere without daughters now realize that they can do anything at any time and get away with it. To appreciate R Kelly, watch Dave Chapelle. When not using women as toilets, he sings music.

S. Epatha Merkerson–She plays the Police Chief on Law and Order. Don’t mess with the Lieu.

T. Boone Pickens–He is an oil man that failed his way to the top. He prides in telling people that he succeeded by failing. He would try to engineer a hostile takeover of an oil company, which would jack up the stock price. Then he would sell his shares at a profit, claiming that he simply could not succeed in taking over the company. Then the stock would drop back down. Many people suspected that he never intended to buy the company, but he would explain that he tried his best, failed, and was disappointed.

U. Myint Thien–Ummmm…yeah…right…see the link.

V. Frank Pottow–V is for victory, and for a sexual innuendo. Also, it is for this fellow, who is described in the link.

W–President Bush is immortalized in one noble letter of the alphabet. Why have a u when you can have twice as many in the form of a double-u? Also known as “Dubya,” or “The Dub,” he is simply a rump kicking President that took out Saddam. He is also responsible for the internet, since every website begins with a w. Actually it begins with three, maximizing his impact.

(Honorable mention: W. Axl Rose)

X. Drew Liu–After President Bush, X does not mark the spot. It is all downhill from here, although for readers of my column, that starts from the first word. Check the link.

Y. William Yu–Y M C A? Y write this column? Too late, it is written. Check the link.

Z. Anthony Kruszewski–Z is the only letter in the word zzzzz, which is what I should be doing right now.

The Tygrrrr is off to slumber, content in knowing that the secret to success in life has now been explained.

All hail those that could not afford first names, settling for initials instead.


2 Responses to “First Initials”

  1. steveegg says:

    The Morning Scramble – 6/29/2008…

    Yes, it’s Sunday. As usual, I’m conscious way too early, but not as usual, I’m running with a Scramble…

    James Wigderson found yet another place that requires photo ID.
    Kevin Fischer issued a call to arms……

  2. timbudd says:

    S. Epatha Merkerson refuses to tell anyone what the S stands for. Big Galactica fan too, so she is a-OK in my book.

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