The Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies remains my most popular column of all time, which proves that Americans are willing to put aside partisan politics to look at pictures of hot women with even hotter yummy bouncies.
Yet as 2008 turns to 2009, the beginning of Summer brings the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies of 2009.
When high finance meets high society, we get finance movies such as “Stocks and Blondes,” where the woman is covered only in the ticker tape. Yet even more powerful than the cocktail of sex and Wall Street comes in the mixture of sex and politics.
It is in that spirit that I have compiled the list of the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies.
Technically this is not much different from listing the top 30 hottest political women, except that the focus is on their T and A.
From the front, I dream of playing sexual volleyball, bouncing them vigorously. From the backside, I hope to play Sir Mixalot’s “Baby Got Back,” while giving them the ketchup bottle treatment.
For those wondering why my girlfriend, the Sacramento Queen, is not on the list, the answer is simple. Her parents are NRA members, and I like being among the living. There is not a woman on earth that compares to her in my opinion. Her body is a temple, and I enjoy worshiping at her altar. Yep, her holy grail is quite holy indeed.
Nevertheless, I had a life before her, which basically consisted of uncontrollable sobbing knowing that the women on this list were not mine. To the best of my knowledge, I have had sex with none of them.
Compiling the list was more difficult than I expected. I thought the trouble would be narrowing the list. The reverse was the case. To even find that many women that caught my attention were rare. Politics is mostly powerful bald white guys, and I have never been attracted to the cue ball look.
The list has been divided into the top 10 liberals, centrists, and independents. Given that they were all anatomically correct, this added up to 20 breasts and 20 hides per all three political denominations.
I did not include pictures to all of the women because they were all fully dressed in the pictures, making the exercise pointless.
Several of these women are over 40, and even in a couple cases over 50. So what? Hot is hot.
Also, some of these women have been removed from the 2008 list. This is not in any way to slight them, even the ones that are raging lefty basket cases. One reason some of these women slipped out of the rankings is that they were fairly apolitical, or at least more under the radar in the last 12 months than in previous years. Another reason is that fresher “talent” showed up.
Lastly, pictures of women are specifically designed to increase ratings, which on blogs means more traffic in the form of hits. Women that don’t generate hits get demoted from the bod squad.
Nevertheless, I now bring the Top 120 Political Yummy Bouncies.
Liberals/Democrats: I left out Barbara Boxer because she is older now, although she was a hot piece back in the day. Oh wait, make that Senator Barbara Boxer. She worked hard to get her job, which means that she raised money and made speeches. Upon her retirement, she will be playing the lead of Kate in “Taming of the Shrew.”
With that, the official list is below.
10) Liz Chadderdon/Julia Piscitelli–They are both Democratic strategists. For those who like the anorexic look, these women are not it. They are both curvy and confident. Politically they remain wrong, but that is for another day.
9) Tanya Acker–I sat next to her on a plane recently, and at first I thought she was a Supermodel like Claudia Jordan. She is actually also a Democratic strategist, and an accomplished lawyer as well. She is smoking.
8.) Donna Brazile–She makes this list because of her hysterically salacious appearance on the Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert. She sang “Kansas City,” promising to meet him in a hotel room in that city.
7) Alexis Glick–This woman thinks that reporting economics means being a sycophant for everything Obama says and does. Like I said, this is a beauty contest.
6) Maria Cantwell–She is is a Senator for Washington State. In addition to being hot, she is also wealthy.
5) Sarah Silverman–I am still frightened to death of her for some reason. Her great schlep to Florida for Obama was highly disappointing, and another reason why celebrities should just stick to being beautiful.
4) Christine Pelosi–She brings a camcorder around America filming Republicans. I wonder if she just wants to see them in embarrassing positions. I wonder if any Republicans have filmed her naked in the name of “research.” As hot as she is, remember that she will grow up to resemble the Pelosiraptor. Be afraid.
3) Norah O’Donnell–She is an impartial analyst on MSNBC, meaning she is a liberal. Again, this is a visual contest, with the less auditory aspect being the best. She is stunning.
2) Naomi Wolf–Yes she has become part of the lunatic fringe that believes in 9/11 conspiracies, and compares President Bush to the evil in this world. Who cares? This is a subjective beauty contest, and she is a hot piece of Jewish rumpus. Plus, one of her sex books helped me get more than my fair share, which proves that even feminists can be useful from time to time.
1) Alicia Menendez–She is the Jane Fleming of 2009. There is something sexy about an angry hot woman. She looks like she is ready to pop out of her skin when debating Republicans. I wish this Latina would just pop out of her clothing.
Centrists/Independents: Entertainment reporter Shira Lazar would have made the list, but she rarely discusses politics. She is a sweet girl, and easy on the eyes.
10) Lu Parker–She replaces Mirtha Salinas on the list since Los Angeles Mayor and alpha dog Antonio Villaraigosa made the switch as well. No wonder this guy gets such positive news coverage.
9) Alycia Lane–This psychotic news anchor has emailed illicit pics of herself to the married Rich Eisen of the NFL Network, in addition to assaulting a cop. Like the Jerry Reed song says, when you’re hot you’re hot.
8.) Robin Meade–This news reporter has covered everything from the Olympics to the war in Afghanistan. She can cover anything she wants at any time for any reason. I just wish I could uncover her.
7) Tammy Bruce–I am pro-gay rights for everybody except her. We should donate ugly women to the lesbian community in exchange for her. She curses like a sailor, and the fact that I am completely intimidated by her is a turn on.
6) Ashlee Dupree–Any woman that destroys Eliot Spitzer and appears in a Girls Gone Wild video is a Goddess. I normally do not endorse drugs and prostitution, but she is why the lord created Spring Break.
5) Campbell Brown–CNN would have much higher ratings if she was allowed to moderate Presidential debates in her undies. She is a smart woman, but this column could care less. She reigns supreme at the Cheesecake News Network. Additionally, she converted to Judaism to marry her husband, a Jewish Republican.
4) Kiran Chetry–She is also a Cheesecake News Network girl. She was not the hottest woman at Fox News, but at CNN where the journalistic standards are lower, her legs fit in perfectly.
3) Lauren Sivan–This Fox News goddess is smoldering. Her last piece was about something I cannot even remember. Speaking of piece, I would love one.
2) Dagan McDowell–Scarlett O’hara made it to Wall Street. Her accent could melt butter, and her brilliance is overshadowed by her beauty.
1) Carla Bruni–She is the first lady of France. Nicolas Sarkozy understands that the only reason to gain power is to bed models. Between Bruni and Segolene Royal, the French have all they need for a prime time jello wrestling special.
Conservatives/Republicans: I left Barbara Bush off the list. I am not referring to the President’s mother. I am referring to his daughter. Barbara is adorable, but out of respect for the Dub, I will say no more. George W. Bush, just know I want to be her Secret Service body guard. Please do not waterboard me, I voted for you twice. Michelle Malkin is not on the list because I am beyond intimidated by her. When she goes on television and flares her nostrils in anger, I want to hide in the corner and cry. I am a sissy. The blogosphere has a republican Jewish blogger named Spree. When she becomes more famous, I will make sure the world knows that I was the one who made salacious comments about her when others ignored her body and insulted her by judging her blog on the quality of the writing. I also left out Ms. California Carrie Prejean only because I prefer brunettes.
10) Monica Crowley–She worked for Richard Nixon. Her sister is married to Alan Colmes, but she has stayed on the right side of the aisle, where her loveliness resides.
9) S E Cupp–She is not an A cup. She is not a DDD cup. She is an S E Cupp. I asked her if I could cup her S E Cupps in my hands, which is how I obtained these brand new stitches. She is so hot that the stitches are popping out. Lust hurts.
8.–tie) Kate Obenshain–She claims to have 4 children. Some women never age. She is deep into Republican politics, and I am deeply into her, albeit from afar, given the restraining order.
8.–tie) Patricia Heaton–The mom from Everybody Loves Raymond is a Republican. Forget Raymond. Everybody loves Patricia.
7–tie) Bristol Palin–I am treading VERY carefully on this one. I have a deep respect for her family, and was enraged when David Letterman made his callous remarks. Yet I have to admit that they keep showing that video of her at the convention where she is wearing that black fuzzy sweater. She is as gorgeous as her mother, which says a lot.
7–tie) Sarah Palin–She is the Governor of Alaska, and a possible candidate for President in 2012. Her 91% approval rating may be because men outnumber women in Alaska by 25-1. Her enemies want to destroy her. My only problem with her is her stance on marriage. Specifically, she is married to somebody who is not me. The former beauty queen could easily win that same title today.
6) Michele Bachmann–This Congresswoman from Minnesota is smart as a whip. She is not into whips, preferring family values. She was never in Bachmann Turner Overdrive, but she turns me into overdrive. She should reprise the role of underwear model made famous by Terri Garr.
5) Patti Ann Browne–Her bare shoulders light up the nighttime Fox News channel. She is especially hot when quoting gangsta rap lyrics.
4) Mary Katharine Ham–I met her in real life, and she is incredibly classy and dignified. She is a sweet, cool person. She was the subject of the worst blogging 4 part trilogy in history, which began with “Help me Rabbi, I am desiring Ham.”
3) Julie Banderas–As for why I want to paddle her, it might be because I have a pulse. College students may not get Playboy in the dorms, but viewing her on Fox News is the next best thing.
2) Andrea Tantaros–This republican strategist has a devastating piercing tongue, and men around America want to experience it. She was the spokeswoman for Jeanine Pirro, and they would rival any mother-daughter jello wrestling tag team. Only she could get away with calling Barack Obama a “wussie.”
1) Shannen Doherty–Her speech at the 1992 Republican Convention captivated men. So did her playboy spreads. I have met her and spoken politics with her. I wish I had taken her on top of the jewelry table, but I was moderately less tactless back then.
Well, all these women will have to live with the fact that my focus is now on the Sacramento Queen. They are simply too late. Now I need to take a midday nap. Time to count sheep, or in my case, the Sacramento Queen’s apolitical yummy bouncies.