Yes, there are many serious issues going on in this world. However, between constant nationwide travel and news stories exploding and just as rapidly dying, I have dedicated today a day of levity. If something tragic happens today, leave me alone. This was a pre-written column.
In the past few days I have spoken to five Arizona GOP groups and at the Texas State Republican Women’s Federated Convention. Before that was North Carolina, Maryland, Virginia, and DC.
Today I start the day in the Northern California area speaking to the Novato RWF. I then fly to Southern California past my home to Orange County to speak to the Seal Beach chapter RWF. On Wednesday, the morning is the Rancho Mirage RWF in San Bernardino, with the evening back to Orange County for the Irvine Republican Council, Thursday is the Pepperdine College Republicans in Malibu followed by Friday speaking to the Simi Valley RWF.
Yes, on Saturday there is a rally in Westwood within walking distance of my home. Yet I might not be speaking at that one. No, of course not, that would make life easy for once. The people who know me best prefer I shut up I guess.
So today is Nationwide Comedy Tuesday, as I offer some lines to various recent audiences.
“It’s great to be here in Arizona. I almost didn’t make it. As a Jewish person, I should have known better than to rely on a Palestinian GPS Tracker. I made one wrong turn, ended up at a cemetery, and heard a sinister voice say, ‘You have reached your final destination!’ I got so angry that I threw the thing out the window, which was good, because 5 seconds later it exploded.”
“Before getting to politics, I want to go over some football happening, because when talking to a womens’ group, the best way to keep them enthralled is to start talking about football.”
“The Arizona Cardinals had a great week. As a Jewish person, I have always felt that the Cardinals were the Jews of the NFL. They wandered all over from place to place, from Chicago to St. Louis before finally finding a home in the desert. They suffered endless defeats for decades until a hero finally emerged to lead them to the promised land. We have Moses. You have Kurt Warner.”
“On offense last week, Kurt Warner had 5 touchdown passes. On defense, Janet Napolitano had 4 quarterback sacks.”
“Actually, I apologize for that last remark. I should never use ‘Janet Napolitano’ in the same sentence as ‘defense.’ She can’t defend anything.”
“Arizona is being overrun by undesirables. They drain the state of services. They demand new services. They don’t work. They contribute nothing. They are pure parasites on the Arizona economy. Of course, I am talking about AARP liberals. Some of them might be Mexican. I have no idea.”
“It’s great to be here in Texas. I am not going to take sides in the battle for supremacy in Texas. Rick Perry vs Kay Bailey Hutchison? No no, I meant the Texans vs the Cowboys.”
“I have always felt a bond with the Texans because they are like the Jews of the NFL. They were minding their own business as the Oilers when they were cruelly uprooted from their homeland.”
“Everything was peaceful until they were driven from their land by an evil dictator named Bud Adams. Whether it is Egypt or Nashville, it is not the true homeland.”
“Bud Adams wanted to come to the Houston with his team when the Titans play the Texans. I say to Bud Adams exactly what I say to the Palestinians. There will be no right of return.”
“Thank you for welcoming me to North Carolina. It was a pleasure to meet Ms. Wilmington. Some of you asked if I was willing to buy her dinner. Have you seen and spoken with her? I would be willing to buy her a third world nation. I hope she likes Laos. $6 should cover it.”
“Your North Carolina military base near the airport is very impressive. As Veteran’s Day approaches, let me say to all the veterans in the room, ‘Thank you, and welcome home.’ I know something about war zones. I did two tours of duty as a student in a New York public school.”
“It is great to be here in Baltimore. I know you are all concerned about Barbara Mikulski, but don’t worry. Next year she will have a new job playing defense for the Ravens alongside Ray Lewis.”
“For those of you complaining in Maryland about Barbara Mikulski in Maryland, I offer no sympathy. I am from the People’s Republic of California. We have 2 of the 3 worst Barbaras in the country, that being Boxer and Streisand. At least Boxer spells it correctly.”
“Hello San Francisco. It is so great to be here in Northern California among so many of my fellow gun toting bible thumping fascists.”
“Here is a great wedge issue to use against the Democrats. First we should ask the Pelosiraptor if the detainees at Guantanamo Bay should be relocated to her San Francisco district.”
“I’m not talking about the general vicinity. I am talking about where they can hop over the fence and steal her barbecue. Or in her case, the tofurkey.”
“Now I know some of you are thinking that the detainees might be too moderate for the district. After all, the only thing more dangerous than a violent Jihadist is a violent peace activist. Combine them you get a radical centrism.”
“Some of you have other concerns Isn’t relocating them to San Francisco cruel and unusual punishment, even for terrorists?”
“Let’s say the ACLU for once stop acting like themselves and we get the detainees there. We then force Nancy Pelosi to answer a serious question on camera. Should the detainees upon being in San Francisco get gay marriage rights?”
“We can call it ‘Getting Gay at Guantanamo Bay.’ For those who like acronyms, we can call it ‘Getting Gay at Gitmo’ or G3 for short.”
“If she says yes, she further enrages the Islamists. If she says no, she further enrages the hypertolerant leftists. Forcing her to choose…that is her entire base. We have just fractured her coalition.”
“I recommend we put San Fransisco on Ebay.”
“Don’t worry, I am sure there are people in Seattle or Boston willing to overbid for it.”
“Once the Earthquake hits and we float away, we will become part of Russia. This will be fine, since living under Vladimir Putin will be less oppressive than living under Barbara Boxer or the Pelosiraptor.”
Well all, I have to admit it is pretty cool getting paid money to tell people what I think and hopefully make them laugh.
Best of all, wherever I go, I make friends I will have for life.
There is nothing left to say for today, but plenty more to do.
The Tygrrrr Express is on to the next adventure.
eric
I try to change my agenda from day to day, not exactly traveling like
Eric, and speaking, but it gives me diversity.
Anyway, this morning I stopped off at a local fast food place ( not to
specify for my own reasons ). Coming off a tour bus, were about 50 aged people..gray haired or bleached, most men had theirs..and even the women seemed
to be wearing wigs however, just too much brown hair. I mean senior citizens w/o white hair. Seems impossible.
These people looked like Easterners, or mid-Westerns. They were
well groomed, neat, seemingly quiet and polite. They did not have
rings all over the place, on their fingers and toes, in their noses, in their ears,
through their lips, you get the idea. No pony tails for the guys, or
tatoos on over muscled arms (like football players w/o the ball).
They looked like a senior group of former classmates, perhaps
on a reunion trip?
Anyway, I did ask a few on line in front of me where they all hailed from
the East or mid-West. Lo and behold, they came from northern California.
I just almost fell over, considering what I just read about our north, and my few trips to San Francisco and Oakland.
They just didn’t appear to be supporters of Pelosi or Jane Fonda (down
south).
So, I admit to being confused.
Anyone see the Tavis Smiley show last night? He interviewed someone
who just wrote a book about the achievements of little Israel, in spite
of all it’s dangers, the constant attacks, the bad press, the UN, the unilateral attempts to slice it in two (as if they lost 7 wars).
Tavis did get one of his leftist agenda remarks when he noted that
the person interviewed would answer questions on a website
about how anyone can expect a fair fight (Israel vs the Palestinians)
considering all the start-up ventures and NASDEQ companies it has, with companies lining up to engage with Israel.
Fair fight? Maybe Tavis should have also asked how we, the USA,
has the chutpah to fight people with no planes, no tanks, no artillery,
no ships, no missiles, no advanced weaponry, no electronics..in 2 countries, Iraq, Afghanistn, AND the Taliban and insurgents whose major
arms are RPGs, IEDs, and spit and religious fervor?
Hmmmmmmmmmm those Jews, the audacity of having the edge on
a group of enemies with only Kassams, Grads, Fajr and Katy Missiles.
What nerve. Maybe he would prefer Israel just duke it out with Iran.
Now that WOULD be a fair fight, Israel (7m) vs Iran’s (75m).
Back in China, our do-nothing Pres didn’t achieve much. As one
interviewee said on the News Hour, he should NOT have brought up
religious/civil rights, but stuck to the real salient issues of our day,
like the Yuan undervalued, their holding 2.5 trillion of our debt
and perhaps replacing the dollar someday, AND their support for the Sudan
and Iran’s quest for “peaceful use of electricity”. Yeah, sure!
Oh well, someday G-d may intervene and save US all, from the peace
now at any price guys who are running this country. BTW, peace now means a much larger war later, just as reducing our supply of nukes
allows countries like Iran, Pakistan, China…to ultimately gain supremacy,
even if it takes a few more years.
Have fun Obama, you will return to the exciting continuing debate over
health care, abortions, a single payer system or a govt run health program, enforced by the IRSS (lien, levy, seize and summons) for anyone NOT joining up for medical care they don’t really need, or companies which fake their insurance benefits.
Hello Eric,
I was one of the few “males” at the Novato RWF today. As a soldier in special training in the task of counter terrorism, I serve in a component in the Army, I am determined to win on this GWOT.
I am also trained by DOD, FEMA, DHS, CDP, NNSA and teex-wmd.
Good to hear your speech this afternoon.
Thank you your encouragement.
Corporal Michael V. Chapman
Comedy is usually is some combination of irony, tragedy, profanity and insults. This stuff is mostly just insults. There was some irony (“getting gay at gitmo” was very clever irony). There was some tragedy (the analogy of Jewish people to the NFL Card’s was hysterical). But a lot of it was just insults. Don Rickles, of course, is the king of insult comedy. I happen to know an old neighbor of his artistic predecessor, Buddy Hackett. In real life, Hackett had a terrible personal reputation. Now, from what I know of our good host, he’s not a sociopath, but Hackett was, and it’s common lore. You need more irony and less insult. “Pelosiraptor” in and of itself is not funny. Playing the ACLU as stooges to counter those who hate civil liberties, according to your own rhetoric, makes no sense. Otherwise, very funny! And I’m not kidding! It’s about time you guys on the right got some funny in you! Find more irony, find more tragedy, and then you’ll get the piles of laughs. Profanity? Best to leave it alone. You’ve got that right. Profanity is about as funny as a fart joke, but without the funny smell.
JMJ
> They are pure parasites on the Arizona economy. Of course, I am talking about AARP liberals. Some of them might be Mexican. I have no idea.”
Somewhere in Hell there’s a shrew saying, “God’ll get you for that, Eric…”.
> “Pelosiraptor” in and of itself is not funny.
I’m laughing…
> Fair fight? Maybe Tavis should have also asked how we, the USA,
has the chutpah to fight people with no planes, no tanks, no artillery,
no ships, no missiles, no advanced weaponry, no electronics..in 2 countries, Iraq, Afghanistn, AND the Taliban and insurgents whose major
arms are RPGs, IEDs, and spit and religious fervor?
You forget: we have these rules that handicap us in the fight…
1) No one on our side is allowed to die. NO ONE. Period. One of our people dying is treated like 10,000 of theirs, so that needs to be the ratio, in order to wind up with a “fair” fight.
2) While we cannot kill anyone by accident without massive repercussions, they can kill everything in sight without the slightest concern. So, once again, we’re talking thousands-to-one ratios that are required for a “fair” fight.
” And I’m not kidding! It’s about time you guys on the right got some funny in you!”
What you guys on the left dont understand (and is funny in itself,but for all the wrong reasons) is that you guys dont realize you’re funny for all the wrong reasons.
Trust me, liberal comedy is about as predictable as the sunrise.
“Best to leave it alone. You’ve got that right. Profanity is about as funny as a fart joke, but without the funny smell. ”
Gee, I seem to remember reading a certain guys blog that contained so much profanity it made a ship full of drunken sailors sound like mother Theresa.
I guess being that hypocritical would leave you with nothing more than the smell ?
I think the comedy thats funniest is the comeday that has us relate to being in that persons predicament before. That way were allowed to laugh at ourselves and at the same time not taking joy in someone elses misfortune only because were no better for being just as human.
I used to be a liberal, and everytime I see you guys in your act I laugh with grateful tears of joy that I’m no longer a paradox of conflicting ideals.
Liberals are like dogs that chase their tails. When they finally do catch them, all they get is that fart joke but with no fart, just a really bad smell and a$$hole to go along with it that turned out to be them
The reason most comedians, and most comedy, are liberal is because “reality has a well-known liberal bias,” as the comic genius Colbert says. The old axium, “it’s funny because it’s true,” is, as a matter of fact, true. Comedy is mostly irony, that is to say it is the observation of irony in life.
When the GOP blasts that “Obamacare” will cover abortions while the GOP’s own insurance covers abortions, it’s very ironic, and therefore very funny. When “Family Values” Republicans get caught with their pants down, literally, and somehow “Family Values” voters and pundits still stand behind them, all the while lambasting every Democrat who does anything bad, it’s very ironic, very funny. When a ‘Pro-Life,” “anti-Big Government” person is pro-death penalty and pro-war and anti-ACLU, it’s very ironic, and very funny. Conservatives are just plain funny just plain being themselves. You don’t need comedy – you are comedy! LOL!
JMJ
Whats really funny is that you think that craps funny only when it cons that are part of the punch line.
Whats really funny ?
Liberals who toss babys with heartbeats in dumpsters and then have candle light vigils for axe murderers who are being executed.
Liberals who cry for free speech and then throw things at you when you tell em they’re wrong.
Liberals who are so pro womans rights and then print articles like “Ten Conservative Women I’d Like To Hate F**k.” fantasizing about raping women—conservative women—is funny ?
Liberals who cry GREEN and then take off in private jets and limos.
And yes, as colbert said…
Its all true