Archive for March, 2012

NFL 2012 League Meetings–Mike Shanahan

Saturday, March 31st, 2012

NFL 2012 Owners Meetings–Mike Shanahan

At the 2012 NFL Owners Meetings in Palm Beach, Florida, I had the pleasure of meeting many owners, coaches, and senior executives. Yet one meeting that was as unusual as it was pleasant came when I met Washington Redskins (and former Denver Broncos Head Coach Mike Shanahan.


NFL 2012 League Meetings–Rich McKay

Friday, March 30th, 2012

NFL 2012 Owners Meetings–Rick McKay

At the 2012 NFL Owners Meetings, a main National Football League self-obsession continued to be ensuring competitive balance. Critics deride this as “parity,” but competitive balance is what makes the “Any Given Sunday” aspect of football its excitement. The Chairman of the Competition Committee is Rich McKay, the current President and CEO of the Atlanta Falcons.  Mr. McKay held a press conference, where a packed room of reporters listened to him discuss various issues involving every facet of the game.


NFL 2012 League Meetings–Roger Goodell

Thursday, March 29th, 2012

NFL 2012 Owners Meetings–Roger Goodell

At the 2012 NFL Owners Meetings, one man everybody wanted to hear from was NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. As expected, the New Orleans Saints were the main topic of discussion. The bounty scandal that rocked the league was absolutely a major focus of the meetings and discussions.


The National Football League 2012 League Meetings

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

NFL 2012 Owners Meetings

Behind closed doors, secret meetings led to intense discussions about some of the great issues affecting the world as we know it. Media hoardes breathlessly waited for any morsel of information. A small group of people had legions of followers arguing pros and cons about everything from medical care to the general welfare.

The setting was the Breakers Resort Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida. The occasion was the the National Football League 2012 Annual Owners Meeting.


My vacation from politics

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

For those who have never liked anything I have ever had to say politically, your prayers have been answered. Most likely they were secular non-prayers, but that is for another time.

For the next few days, I am taking a vacation from politics. This is because there is absolutely nothing going on in the world of politics that matters.

The presidential race has a 10 day gap. Therefore, those who write about the candidates can recharge their batteries.

Covering the Supreme Court hearings on the Obamacare law is a colossal waste of time. Until the 9 justices render a verdict, the only thing to do is engage in wild speculation. Reading the body language of those who play their cards close to the vest and confound us anyway is not worth the effort.

The Trayvon Martin case is tragic, but I am not spending one minute on it. Only two people know what happened, and one of them is deceased. So the only thing left for anyone else is again to engage in wild speculation. Al Sharpton is leading the lynch mob because that is what he does. Charles Schumer is using this as an excuse to enact anti-gun legislation because that is what he does. Let him try it in an election year when Democrats are already on the ropes and see how that works out.

The only issues that truly matter are Iran trying to blow up the world and Syria murdering its own citizens. The media is not interested, and I cannot make them care.

The Paul Ryan budget plan is fantastic, but until Republicans show a spine for once and publicly support it, the plan is dead on arrival, a mere fantasy of what could be if real leadership went beyond one fantastic Congressman from Wisconsin.

While the world of politics is useless right now, my true burning passion is the National Football League. I recently attended the Owners Meetings in Palm Beach, Florida. There is tons to report about that, and in the coming days I will.

So the TYGRRRR EXPRESS is going into football only mode for a few days unless and until real political news actually happens.

Tonight I fly from South Florida to Los Angeles to sleep in my own bed for a few hours. Then tomorrow morning I fly out to Billings, Montana.

So for those into useless politics, talk amongst yourselves. I will rejoin the conversation when actual news happens. I would sooner discuss the Jersey Shore than the current political climate.

My vacation from politics begins now.

It’s time for some heavy doses of football.


Big Santorum win in Louisiana + an apology

Monday, March 26th, 2012

Several days after Mitt Romney romped in the Illinois Primary, Rick Santorum came back with a major win in Louisiana. The outcome was not close. It was a Santorum shellacking of the others.

Santorum finished with 49% of the vote, far ahead of Romney at 27%. Newt Gingrich won 16% of the vote.

20 delegates were at stake. Louisiana has 46 delegates, but the other 26 will be chosen at their state GOP Convention in June.

Ron Paul, whose supporters claim either victory or fraud after every contest, was supported by everyone except 94% of the Louisiana electorate. His supporters insist he is pursuing a delegate strategy. His 6% of the vote earned him 0 delegates. He has still won absolutely nothing.

As for Mr. Santorum, he still has an uphill battle. Mr. Romney has a wide delegate lead, and there are no contests until April 3rd. Maryland, DC, and Wisconsin are all expected to be friendly territory for Mr. Romney. Mr. Santorum is winning frequently in the Southern states, but so far that has not been enough.

Yet more important than the results of the primary comes a sad announcement and an apology.

My attempt to monitor the candidates in Louisiana failed, and for that I apologize.

From South Beach, Florida, to Las Vegas, Nevada, to Honolulu, Hawaii, I have been monitoring the GOP candidates ahead of those primaries and caucuses. I managed to inspect virtually every nightclub and restaurant bar to make sure the candidates were not there.

Due to concerns that they might try to sneak back to Miami Beach for Spring Break, I took an emergency return trip there as a precaution. As I have repeatedly stated, I owe it to America to make sure that none of the candidates are caught in any hot tubs with college coeds.

Due to my research and investigative affairs in Miami, I was unable to fly to New Orleans in time to do a complete sweep of the Big Easy.

If Mitt Romney, who claims he does not drink alcohol, was downing a Hurricane at Patty O’Briens, I have no proof of this.

If Rick Santorum, who comes across as a religious family man, was caught after dark hanging out in Wet Willie’s, I lack the evidence to present this.

If Newt Gingrich, who insists he has the best oil plan in the nation, was in Fat Tuesday’s with Governor Bobby Jindal drunk out of their minds while chanting “I’ve got a hole you can plug, BP,” nobody will ever know.

If Ron Paul, who is the libertarian king of hookers and stoners everywhere, was hanging out with the finest call girls on Bourbon Street with a beer in one hand and a bong in the other, the world will never see this septagenarian party down.

I can’t be everywhere. There is only one of me. I cannot be on Bourbon Street and in South Beach at the same time. I thought I could, but the recent experiment with light and neutrinos failed. Sometimes hard choices have to be made. Compared to Miami, there are not enough Latina women in Louisiana running beverage cans across their necks while going “Ayyyyy, Poppeeee,” and other pleasant phrases with multiple meanings.

To make matters worse, the upcoming contests are not even worth investigating from a social journalism standpoint. I may put the social in social media, but every single person in Wisconsin is Caucasian. The only immigrants are Canadians, who are even more boring. There is not a single person anywhere in Wisconsin doing anything worth talking about until the Packers kick off again in September.

Maryland and DC are barely more exciting.

So while I apologize for failing to adequately cover the pre and post Mardi Gras festivities leading up to the Louisiana Primary, I am even more sorry that the GOP presidential race is over from a fun standpoint.

South Beach, Waikiki, and Vegas are over. Bourbon Street is done. Does anybody think covering Quakers in Pennsylvania has the same allure? The Amish have not had a decent party since Randy Quaid tried to punch out Bill Murray in “Kingpin.” Sorry to offend the Quakers and the Amish. They are good people. They just are not known for partying.

No wonder the media is bored with the race. They are finally finding out what  already know. The last chance for a really hot, spicy story ended without incident in Louisiana.

Would it have killed Ron Paul to go up to some drunken girls On Bourbon Street this past Saturday and asked them, “Is that a giant crawfish in my pants or am I just happy to see you?”

Knowing him, he probably would have called them knickers or trousers, killing the moment.


Tim Tebow is no longer Satan

Sunday, March 25th, 2012

Tim Tebow is no longer Satan.


Spring Break 2012–Back to South Beach Miami

Saturday, March 24th, 2012

Over the last few months, I have sacrificed much for this nation I love. My goal is to fire the current president and replace him with a Republican. Yet given that Republicans have been rocked by scandals in recent years, it is imperative that these candidates be vetted.

Americans need to know that the Republican nominee is not hanging out in a hot tub with college coeds on Spring Break. They need to know that they are not in the wrong nightclubs.

The only way to ensure this is to do a sweep of all the danger zones. Every hot spot must be checked out.

Before the Florida Primary, I checked South Beach thoroughly. Neither Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, or Mitt Romney were on Collins, Ocean, or Washington Avenues after dark. While they are all courting Marco Rubio to be Vice President, neither they nor he was hanging out at the old Versace House while I was there.

Then before the Nevada Caucus, I scowered the Las Vegas Strip. None of the candidates were at Tao, where women dressed as mermaids do their dances in bathtubs. I stripped the Strip clean, and there were no Republican presidential candidates in sight.

It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.

Then before the Hawaii Caucus, I made sure that Kuhio Avenue in Waikiki was without incidents. None of the call girls on Kuhio or Kalakaua saw anything they would admit to. While they liked Ron Paul’s libertarianism with regards to prostitution, they had no opinion either way on abolishing the Federal Reserve. Regarding Ben Bernanke, they were fine with him as long as he paid their going rate.

Mitt Romney sent his son to Honolulu, while Rick Santorum sent his daughter. Neither of them got into any trouble that the press would report about.

Yet perhaps the reason these candidates stayed out of trouble is because the entire world media was following them. What if they were so clever that they waited until the coast was clear to sneak back?

With the Louisiana primary today, searching Bourbon Street up and down would have been the obvious thing to do. Yet it would be too obvious. Of course Newt Gingrich would not be in Wet Willie’s with the media following him. Rick Santorum would visit local churches, but with pastors everywhere, making a stop at Patty O’Brien’s to down a Hurricane would be too risky.

Yet with Rick Santorum all but assured of winning Louisiana, and Mitt Romney pursuing a general election strategy, what if he took a secret trip back to Florida? What if Ron Paul went trolling through the nightclubs teaching young people how to take the delegates?

For these and other reasons, I decided to return to Miami Beach. Last night, from the Versace House to the Clevelander, the drinks flowed, the ladies bounced and jiggled, and the presidential candidates stayed out of plain sight. There was dancing and laughing, but zero politics that could be easily spotted.

One individual did have a “RUN DC” t-shirt with a picture of Barack Obama on it. Yet RUN DMC has not put out new music in awhile, and the dj did not play any. While there were large men in black with earpieces, no evidence surfaced that President Obama or his rivals were the reason for this security. Apparently South Beach has trouble from time to time for those not obeying standard societal norms.

On the way back from the clubs, I stumbled across tons of police sirens. One officer was holding a camera in his hand, which meant only one thing. Another quiet night in Downtown Miami meant another homicide. This was tragic, but the good news is that none of the candidates have been implicated.

Since Mardi Gras has already come and gone, there is no reason for me to fly to Bourbon Street at this time. After the Louisiana Primary, there will be a 10 day break in the presidential calendar. After that, the next stops are Maryland, DC, and Wisconsin. Nothing scandalous ever happens in the greater DC area, and Wisconsin is…well, Wisconsin.

So the only logical thing to do at this point is continue to investigate in South Florida. Given the Election 2000 debacle, no amount of investigating Miami is too much.

I do this because I love America. The scantily clad, giggling, libertine women have nothing to do with it. Research comes in many different, shapes, sizes and lack of clothing styles.

Spring Break 2012 is now underway, and the presidential candidates had better be warned. If they come to South Beach, I will know about it.


Mr. Obama, Meet Mr. Goodell

Friday, March 23rd, 2012

If Professor Obama truly wants to be a leader, he should stop talking and meet with successful leaders.

He could start by speaking with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. That man means business. He is a leader.


NFL Bounty Scandal–Roger Goodell Cracks Down Hard

Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Just over two years ago, the New Orleans Saints and Sean Payton hoisted the Lombardi Trophy and watched confetti fall down all over them.

Now their program is in ashes as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has issued massive suspensions and fines in the wake of the “bounty” scandal.