The Barack Obama Sincerity Initiative
On September 3, 2012, President Obama held a Labor Day press conference where he announced an unprecedented groundbreaking new initiative that would forever revolutionize communication in the modern era. C-Span covered his remarks as part of its “Road to the White House” coverage.
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. As you know, the election is only four months away. Yet today, Labor Day, is no time for partisan politics. As you know, I inherited a mess. Yet I have been working hard to turn things around. While others played politics, I was focused on the business of the people. Despite the fact that the Republicans want to take us back to the policies that got us into this mess, I will continue fighting for you.
The GOP is waging a war on women. As you know, Labor Day is a day where we celebrate women and the miracle of childbirth. Even with modern technologies and defensive medicine, some women still experience slight discomfort bringing new life into this world. Therefore, it is perfectly appropriate to dedicate this day to them.
As you know, despite this being a non-partisan holiday that all Americans agree on, tonight begins the Democratic National Convention from Charlotte, North Carolina. We chose Charlotte because when people think Democrats, they think NASCAR. I have been a NASCAR fan all my life. I am also a major football fan. I would like to thank the NFL for moving its season opening kickoff from Thursday to Wednesday so as not to interrupt my reelection convention speech. Instead the NFL will be competing with Vice President Joe Biden. I will be watching the game since I have an advance copy of the speech. If he strays off message I am sure all of you in the media will let me know.
Anyway, none of that matters. I was planning to unveil my newest history-making initiative Thursday night, but since you are all here let’s get down to business.
I was watching a classic movie the other afternoon around 2pm after my golf game was rained out. It was a Dudley Moore movie about advertising executives featuring Paul Reiser called “Crazy People.” Mr. Moore is tired of lying for a living, so he laments “Let’s just level with America!” Mr. Reiser responds, “We can’t level with America, you crazy b@stard, we’re in advertising!”
I know how these men felt. Americans are so cynical, and despite my efforts to bring honesty and transparency to government, that cynicism has only deepened. Therefore, nothing short of an official program rollout deep in symbolism will change things.
Starting right now, I have decided to level with America. I’m full of baloney. I speak words and say absolutely nothing. The only thing I care about is getting reelected. Therefore, starting this instant, I am now taking the lead on the Sincerity Deficiency Initiative, known as SDI. I am going to be sincere with America for the next four months. I am tired of politicians lying to get elected and reelected. So from now on you will only get the truth. Virtually everything I said up until this point was complete cr@pola, but no more. The bond of trust must be restored.
I will now take a couple of questions. Ed Henry, put your hand down. Fox News is a cynical network that contributes to the corrosiveness. Had you and your talk radio partisans not called me out on my phoniness, I would not have to spend precious time away from the peoples’ business to roll out SDI. Therefore, only networks who care about the people will ask questions today. Norah O’Donnell, MSNBC, you’re up.
NO: “Thank you so much Mr. President. Do you feel that this is the exact bold, courageous step that will finally make people see you for the good man you are?”
BO: “Absolutely Norah, although this was never about me. This is about the people. You, unnamed New York Times person, most of you are good, go ahead.”
NYT: “You are the first President to ever tell the world he was full of cr@pola. Do you think you should be rewarded for such blatant honesty at the polls? We find your candor refreshing.”
BO: “My reelection is for the people to decide, especially since ACORN has had trouble getting organized lately. Having said that, of course I should be reelected. N President has been as forthright as I have about my own lack of caring for truth and facts. By spotlighting these misdeeds, this is a teachable moment where everybody else can improve their behavior whether they needed to or not. Ladies and gentlemen, I would take more questions but then Jay Carney would have less work to do. Given how much I pay him with your tax dollars, he should get to work. I am going to leave now, and he can take the tough questions. Thank you very much.”
This has been C-Span’s “Road to the White House 2012. Happy Labor Day, and remember to be sincere, stay non-partisan, respect all points of view, and vote for Barack Obama on election day. Mr. Obama had nothing to do with the altering of our normally benign message and no C-Span employees were threatened during the making of this episode.