Dear Mom,
I love you very, very much. You are the best mother a guy could possibly ask for. Although you and I live on separate coasts, you are in my thoughts and prayers often.
Mom, I know you hear this far too often, but I have a dilemma, one of those life altering issues you are so good at helping me with.
I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin today and nowhere near a television set. Do you know anybody in Milwaukee showing Desperate Housewives tonight?
I know you do not watch the show, and I am not sure if you know a single person in Wisconsin. However, you know everything. The depth, width, and breadth of your knowledge astounds me.
Anyway, after eight years Desperate Housewives is coming to a conclusion. This is the series finale. Finale is Spanish for finale. I think it is finito in Italian and fini in Spain. In English that means done.
I tried finding the information myself but the internet did not want to cooperate.
I went on Craigs List and typed in Desperate Housewives. Stuff came up that young men from good families should not even know about, much less do. You don’t want to know.
The sportsbar I am typing this at will not be showing the finale. They are showing sports instead, as bizarre as that sounds.
I am posting this on Facebook, but you do not go on there. So hopefully you will read my column today and spring into action.
The fate of Gaby Solis, Lynette Sciavo, Susan Delfino, and Bree Van DeKamp could be affected if I do not watch. You most likely have no idea who those people are. They are played by Eva Longoria, Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher, and Marcia Cross. They live on Wisteria Lane.
I already placed calls into Goveror Scott Walker, Lt Governor Rebecca Kleefisch, and Congressman Paul Ryan to see if they knew if anybody in Milwaukee owned a tv set. I have not heard back from them yet. They may be busy.
Anyway mom, see what you can do to fix this like you fix everything else. I will let you know what happens in the finale as well as the NBA and NHL playoffs. After all, I know how much you care about that stuff.
Thank you for your help and your neverending supply of love.
I love you mom.
I would say more but if I am going to find a complete stranger willing to let me watch their tv set, I had better start now.
eric