America votes for paralysis and managed decline
Americans went to the polls and unanimously came together to vote for paralysis and managed decline.
Here is the censored version for children.
Below is the uncensored version.
Democrats retained the White House and the Senate while Republicans kept control of the House of Representatives. This proved that Americans upset with the direction of the country decided to send a message by supporting the status quo. The current White House occupant wants everybody to work together, which he defines as everybody shutting up and agreeing with him. Anyone failing to do so will be labeled as hostage takers.
Americans created new history by electing a black woman to the White House, and Governor Mitt Romney called Valerie Jarrett to congratulate her on her reelection. Ms. Jarrett preferred to stay in the shadows, sending a subordinate with a winning smile and funny ears to accept the award on her behalf.
Her spokesman claimed that governing would have to wait so he could attend some fundraisers and begin campaigning for his third term.
While election results were coming in, the American economy stood teetering on the verge of collapse and Radical Islamic terrorists were plotting to kill us all. When these issues are brought up, the spokesperson has already made it clear that he inherited a mess from the predecessor who took over in 2008. Also, nobody could possibly fix such severe problems in only two terms.
Congressional Republicans vowed to contribute to the paralysis by making sure that every presidential request would be followed by a word beginning with the letter “f” followed by the word “no.”
While the country has been ripped apart, the spokesperson made it clear that all Americans were welcome in his coalition provided they were blacks, gays, angry feminists, self-loathing Jews, and people young enough to find brilliance in Katy Perry.
Conservatives vowed to accept the results and treat the opposition with the same dignity and respect that George W. Bush was treated with in 2000 and 2004.
While many were in despair over the results, celebrations were taking place in Chicago, China, Boston, Iran, Seattle, and Syria. Cars were overturned in celebration with guns fired in the air in demilitarized zones in Detroit and Afghanistan.
Social conservatives vowed to rethink their positions on every issue they hold dear. More abortions, gay unions, and contraception is now the only way to ensure that fewer liberals exist in twenty years.
Conservatives vowed to take the five conservative Supreme Court justices and treat them like the lead character in “Weekend at Bernies” should anything happen to them.
Ron Paul and Gary Johnson supporters went and got stoned. Then they insisted they mattered while railing about Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve. The remaining 99.99% Americans quietly admitted they had no idea who Mr. Bernanke is or what he actually does.
Civil rights advocates praised Ms. Jarrett’s spokesperson and noted that he may wish to govern himself one day. Whatever one may think of his beliefs, Americans showed that they were finally willing to put bigotry aside and elect a Vulcan. The Star Trek people now have representation.
In positive news, Osama bin Laden is still burning underground with 72 Helen Thomases. The remaining members of al Qaeda have decided to stop trying to destroy us since we have finally bended to their will and decided to do it ourselves. Our suicide mission on November 6, 2012 saved them the hassle of having to buy rocket launchers, especially with fuel prices set to skyrocket to levels that make Jihad too expensive.
As for financial markets, every stock will most likely crash with the exception of whoever it is that makes antacid.
So for those who were worried about unmanaged decline, do not fret. It is managed. The gutting of our military through sequestration, the piling on of debt, the refusal to restructure entitlements, the destruction of the American healthcare system, and the giving away of free stuff from others who rightfully earned it is all being carefully managed.
This is before we throw devalued money down a sewer full of rats, also known as investing in public education and green technology.
This concludes coverage of “Election 2012 Euthanasia–Assisted American Electoral Suicide,” and America as we used to know it.