Archive for the ‘SPORTS’ Category

The Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton Mother’s Day Sports Report

Sunday, May 8th, 2016

The Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton Mother’s Day Sports Report

Nothing unites people like sports and recreation. Most people enjoy activities that bring people together in fun, laughter and competition. Only the most deeply unpleasant people among us could find complaints in such revelry.

Welcome to the Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton May Sports Report.

Saturday, May 7 began with Warren’s Twitter temper tantrum against Donald Trump. Things escalated when an angry Liz Warren (redundant) bit Trump on the leg. She wouldn’t let go until he threw a rolled up New York Times and told her to go fetch it.

Warren is enraged at Trump for betting on John Kerry to beat her in the Kentucky Derby.

Poor Shagaf finished dead last. Shagaf is now the Jim Gilmore of the Kentucky Derby, and shall remain beloved and anonymous.

As soon as the Kentucky Derby ended, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton flew to Maryland to begin training for the Shriekness.

In addition to the Kentucky Derby, Saturday, May 7 was also World Naked Gardening Day. Even some leftist atheists prayed to God not to let Liz Warren and Hillary Clinton celebrate it. Mother Earth has suffered enough. The American Medical Association announced that the leading causes of blindness were Diabetes, Glaucoma, and viewing pictures of Hillary Clinton and Liz Warren celebrating World Naked Gardening Day.

In Los Angeles, Saturday, May 7 was also Rupaul’s DragCon. It was not dedicated to Hillary Clinton and Liz Warren, even though most people conceded that they both really are drags.

Sunday, May 8 was Mother’s Day. As the Kentucky Derby rolled into Mother’s Day, the Churchill Downs announcer was heard excitedly yelling, “and down the stretch (marks) they come!”

Liz Warren & Hillary Clinton to declare Mother’s Day bigoted against women without kids.

They demanded to know why do we have holidays honoring only mothers or fathers. That discriminates against the transgendered!

It must be tough being a liberal. Spending every waking minute complaining about nonsense gets older than Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren.

This is obvious, as plain as the lines on their faces.

What Joan Crawford did to one girl, Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton want to do to the entire country, or at least the half of America who disagrees with them.

In the end, Nyquist won the Kentucky Derby. Rupaul changed back and forth at DragCon. World Naked Gardening Day organizers successfully begged Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren to boycott it. Mother’s Day trailed Cinco De Mayo by three days, although my mom is second to none.

Due to the Jewish Sabbath, religious Jews were unable to attend the Kentucky Derby, DragCon or World Naked Gardening Day. Bernie Sanders is Jewish, but his athletic experience consists of trying to keep Hillary Clinton from beating the daylights out him.

This was the Elizabeth Warren and Hillary Clinton May sports report. Provided neither one ever becomes president, fun activities are expected to remain legal in 2017.


NFL 2016 Draft Saturday Recap

Sunday, May 1st, 2016

NFL 2016 Draft Saturday Recap

The Minnesota Vikings drafted Willie Beavers. The Chicago Bears took Deon Bush. This one time we can debate Beavers vs Bush without angering censors.


NFL 2016 Draft Friday Recap

Sunday, May 1st, 2016

NFL 2016 Draft Friday Recap


NFL 2016 Draft Thursday Recap

Friday, April 29th, 2016

NFL 2016 Draft Thursday Recap

Sir Roger of Goodell to speaketh. NFL Draft 2016 is now.

After 362 days underground, Mel Kiper Jr. appeared, saw his pompadour shadow, declared 3 straight days of football.

“The Los Angeles Rams are on the clock.”

NFL 2016 Draft is now reality.

In political/global news, everyone except Rams Coach Jeff Fisher is utterly irrelevant.

Los Angeles Rams choose Jared Goff over Carson Wentz. Additionally, Jim Irsay has no regrets of choosing Peyton Manning over Ryan Leaf.

If Carson Wentz can dink, dunk, throw 4 yard passes, & throw 1 yard on 3rd and 1, he’ll be a fine West Coast Offense QB.

Nothing inspires Philly fans like Doug Pederson, a Walrus Lite Andy Reid disciple. Wentz will be expected to complete 30 passes for 120 yards and 0 turnovers.

The non-Los Angeles Chargers are on the clock.

Chargers took defensive end Joey Bosa rather than take an offensive tackle to protect Philip Rivers.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is always a gambler. Jerrah resisted the urge to trade all his picks away for Johnny Manziel.

When asked who they wanted Jerry Jones to add to his team, Cowboys fans responded “Jimmy Johnson.”

It is only fitting on Passover that Ezekiel enters the room. Now we wait for Elijah.

London Jaguars choose Jalen Ramsey, who sobs after being told some home games are in North Florida & not Europe.

Ronnie? Stanley? When you are that big, John Harbaugh will pick both of you.

Ronnie Stanley just made VERY classy remarks about Laremy Tunsil, refusing to say he is better.

DeForest Buckner plays defense. We now have confirmation Howie Roseman makes 49ers decisions, not Chip Kelly.

Titans trade up to take a tackle, but it’s Jack Conklin over Laremy Tunsil. This drug video of Tunsil has to be why.

Consolation for Tunsil: Warren Sapp, Randy Moss and Aaron Rodgers all fell (although Rodgers had 0 character issues).

Hey Leonard Floyd: Dick Butkus & Brian Urlacher are on the phone. They want you to beat the daylights out of Aaron Rodgers.

Giants select guy named Eli. His name alone says this will fail. Eli Apple not related to Fiona Apple.

Derrick Brooks, Ronde Barber & Warren Sapp expected to take Vernon Hargreaves & shave his head.

By choosing Sheldon Rankins over Paxton Lynch, Saints totally uninterested in grooming successor to Drew Brees. Brees is still elite, hence a lack of urgency in the Big Easy.

After Richie Incognito, Dolphins picking Laremy Tunsil is nothing.

The Oakland Raiders are on the clock.

Reggie McKenzie is the anti-Al Davis. Davis used to have 2 rules:

1)Show up on Sunday
2) Stay out of trouble with the law

At the bottom of the blackboard it said that if you obey Rule 1, don’t worry about Rule 2.

Those days are gone. Reggie McKenzie has taken risks on guys with medical issues, but not character issues.

McKenzie in this draft must draft defense, defense, defense, & more defense.

#Raiders GM Reggie McKenzie, by taking Safety Karl Joseph, is trying to replace Charles Woodson. Solid pick.

McKenzie is known for making sensible picks.

Cleveland Browns may have all 32 first round picks next year.

Detroit Lions in taking Taylor Decker choose safe & solid over sexy. Big wedge of beef to protect Matthew Stafford.

Coach Jim Caldwell was so pleased he almost made a facial expression.

If Lions are not careful, owner Martha Ford may not fire anyone next year.

Keanu Neal good fit for Dan Quinn’s system. Falcons have offensive playmakers. They need defense. Atlanta got it right.

Colts get it perfectly right. Andrew Luck beaten to a pulp in 2015. Center Ryan Kelly a great choice.

Rather than screw with his hated Jets, Bills Coach Rex Ryan went with what he knows: defense. Problem: He needs offense.

Blitz-happy Todd Bowles opts for defense with Darren Lee. Not Paxton Lynch. They must rent Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard for another year.

Had Texans chosen Paxton Lynch, Brock Osweiler’s head would have exploded. Instead Osweiler gets a receiver to play with. Makes sense.

Thought Redskins would shore up their defense, but getting a receiver for Kirk Cousins not bad.

Minnesota Vikings make perfect pick. Teddy Bridgewater to Laquon Treadwell could become Randall Cunningham to Randy Moss.

With Adrian Peterson, Vikings have to guard against overconfidence. It’s way too early to declare this 1998, but this team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender under Mike Zimmer.

Cincinnati Bengals should skip players & instead draft a psychiatrist. They have talented head cases. Marvin Lewis picked insurance in case any of his current defensive stars get arrested or suspended.

Nothing surprising out of Pittsburgh. They played it safe. Mike Tomlin has another hard-nosed defender.

Great thing about being Denver Broncos quarterback is there’s no pressure since expectations are low.

Paxton Lynch is not being asked to be a savior like John Elway 1983 or Peyton Manning 2012. Broncos are Von Miller’s team.

Lynch has to be Trent Dilfer, nothing more.

When healthy, Packers set on offense. You can never have enough defensive tackles. Typical sensible Packers pick.

Side note: Oakland Raiders GM Reggie McKenzie, who makes very solid picks, was trained in the Packers system.

49ers traded Joe Montana, Steve Bono & Alex Smith to Chiefs. Now Chiefs trade down, 49ers select…a guard?

Did they not think one quarterback was available who could throw further than 4 yards? Oh wait, Chip Kelly is not a dink & dunker.

New England Patriots not on the clock. They forfeited #1 pick due to #Deflategate cheating scandal.

Tom Brady has seriously deflated balls right now.

Bruce Arians has another serious pass rusher. With his high octane offense, Arizona is still elite.

Ron Rivera should have taken a cornerback to replace Josh Norman. A defensive tackle is fine, but they need secondary help.

Pete Carroll & John Schneider tend to play it safe/solid. Germain Ifedi needed to replace Russell Okung.

Ifedi should immediately be on the phone with Walter Jones asking for advice.

Approximately 19 hours until NFL Draft 2016 Round 2. The Cleveland Browns are on the clock.


Explaining the NFL Draft to my mother

Thursday, April 28th, 2016

The Los Angeles Rams are on the clock. With those words by Commissioner Roger Goodell, the 2016 National Football League Draft will commence. Many Americans will obsessively follow every moment of every pick and every trade. My parents will be watching the news or reruns of “Murder, She Wrote.”

If you love football, the Draft is a lifeline that prevents leatherheads from losing their ever-loving football minds during the offseason. From the end of the Super Bowl in February to the season opening kickoff in September, NFL fans have so much pain and suffering. The Draft is not an actual game, but it is something.

For those who do not understand football, the NFL Draft makes even less sense.

Mom: So who is playing?

Me: Well all 32 teams are playing, but nobody is actually playing. It is not a game. It is where they select the players who will enter the league.

Mom: Selecting players? You mean like when you were a kid and the gym coach told you to stand on one side and Mikey to stand on the other side? Then you would pick Kenny and Mikey would pick Johnny until you both had teams?

Me: Well, yes, but it is a little more detailed than that.

Mom: Ok, so each team picks what players they want? What is going on while a player is being picked?

Me: Well different teams have different needs so they sometimes make trades. Teams call each other on the telephone and make deals.

Mom: Hours of people making phone calls? Really, people watch this? While the workers are making phone calls, what is the audience doing?

Me: The fans are watching the guys who make the phone calls and hoping that their team picks the players the fans want.

Mom: So they are sitting around watching people make phone calls? Then after a team picks a player, the fans sit and wait until the next team picks a player?

Me: Yes.

Mom: What if the player does not want to play for the team that picks him?

Me: That hardly ever happens. The players do not have a choice. The teams decide, not the players.

Mom: How long does this last?

Me: Three days.

Mom: People spend three days watching people make phone calls and choosing players? Do they at least when this is all over play a real game?

Me: Not until five months later.

Mom: You actually sit around and watch people make phone calls. Wow. So how do they decide who chooses when?

Me: The worst team from the year before chooses first and the best team that wins the previous Super Bowl chooses last.

Mom: That sounds like socialism. I thought sports owners and players were capitalists. Why shouldn’t the best team pick first and the worst team pick last?

Me: That would give the good teams an unfair advantage.

Mom: How is that unfair if they earned it?

Me: Mom, it’s the rules of the league. I don’t make them. I am just a fan. During the season I watch the games. When it is not football season I have nothing to do but sit around and spending three days watching people making phone calls to each other.

Mom: Well honey, if it makes you happy, enjoy it. I cannot imagine sitting down for hours doing that, but if you like it, that is all that matters. Anyway, I have to go. Your father and I are about to watch a “Murder, She Wrote” marathon.

Deflategate Update: Goodell checkmates Brady

Tuesday, April 26th, 2016

Deflategate Update: Goodell checkmates Brady


NFL 2016’s Top 16 Matchups

Monday, April 18th, 2016

NFL 2016’s Top 16 Matchups


NFL 2016 Schedule

Monday, April 18th, 2016

The NFL 2016 Schedule is here. Memorize it. Now.


Peyton Manning: God bless football

Friday, March 11th, 2016

Peyton Manning: God bless football


Cam Newton, Meet Jim Everett

Monday, February 8th, 2016

Cam Newton, Meet Jim Everett