Dear Dubya, I just turned 43
Dear Dubya, I just turned 43
What the heck is that beeping sound?
(Knocks the phone off the hook, keeps banging the snooze alarm)
A voice tells me it’s my pager. My pager is black, so finding it in the dark is the needle haystack equivalent. A lucky smack knocks it against the wall, where it may or may not have shattered. The beeping continues. Why does anyone need a pager anymore anyway?
Who the heck is texting me at this ungodly hour of…(either 7 a.m., 1 p.m., or 1 a.m. …it looks blurry)?
Oh, no. It is 5 a.m., and my first radio interview of the New Year is with the morning man of an East Coast station. Time to pretend to sound coherent and go back to sleep. Oh no, wait, that radio interview was last year.
Great, happy wishes for the new year. Thanks. Whoever you are, it is too early to talk to you.
One year the person on the telephone insisted it was 1 p.m. After explaining to them that they were on the East Coast, and that 1 p.m. EST is 10 a.m. in Los Angeles, they grew impatient. They knew how to tell time, and that it was 4 p.m. EST, hence 1 p.m. my time.
Sure, getting up and writing my column is an option. It’s a new year, and starting the year off with a flurry of brilliance might be helpful. Forget it. This column is recycled from years ago.
Election 2016? The first candidate to call me gets blistered in my column … tomorrow.
Bowl games? There is Tivo. Besides, does anybody care who wins the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the Lack of Insight.com Bowl, the Fishbowl, the RU486 Morning After Bowl, The California Metrosexual Pride Bowl, or any other game that may or may not be made up?
Speaking of the morning after, does anybody remember the David Byrne Talking Heads song from the movie “Less than Zero? (which the temperature feels like right now, even in LA)? The song is called “Once In A Lifetime.”
“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. What have I done? How did I get here?”
It then occurs to me that the beeping sounds are the voices in my head telling me I am too old, even at 42, to stay out this late. Even without alcohol, exhaustion has set in.
Get out of bed? Work calls in (whenever) hours. Better rest up, before my tyrant of a boss complains. Such is the life of the self-employed.
Get up now? Somehow stagger to the shower, get dressed, make it out of my condo to go … where?
The stores are closed. Maybe they are open. Too tired to find out.
My birthday is in just over a week. Time to pace myself.
Work on my website? All that takes is staggering to my couch. Oh, no. My IT guy has not finished it
yet. Oh, wait, he did years ago. I clicked on the wrong site.
Go on Jdate and search for women? Not a bad idea, except it is too tiring to check their adams apples. This is not the year for a boyfriend, and am not sure that my eyes can tell the difference right now. Besides, Jdate is so 2014. Now it is Tinder, JSwipe and Crush.
Shop on Ebay? No, bad idea. Buying stuff when not at full capacity is problematic. Who needs another mountain goat? Dang creature gets his horns in my hide. Not a comfy way to wake up. Calm down boy, you’ll get some straw to graze on upon my waking up.
Work on my record album? Although again, world, just because my hair is long, that does not mean my band exists. The best instrument is the triangle, because that tells me lunch is ready.
Ahh, yes, lunch. Get up and eat something. My microwave is slow, and a five minute microwave dinner takes almost 15 minutes. Read the paper? It is cold outside my building where the stand is, and it only takes coins. Reading the paper online is tiring, and my printer is not working. At least the lifestyle section makes a great placemat for eating.
Staying in bed for only a couple more hours until (whatever the big and little hands say) would allow me to stay up all night and be totally exhausted for work tomorrow. Again, my boss is a tyrant.
Running errands … not gonna happen.
Every morning, a four word prayer starts my day. My elbows are used to try and leverage them against my bed to prop me up. Placing my alarm clock on the other side of the room failed, since ripping the cord out of the wall solved that problem.
As for the Jewish brunette who stole the covers, her political liberalism was not a problem last night, although if she opens her trap today she will receive a more caustic reception than usual.
Oh wait, she already left. Here is a note. “Tried to wake you, but that was a losing battle. By the way, you have nothing but soda in your fridge. Talk to you soon.” oh, wait, I think that happened a decade ago. This is 2015 not 2005.
She is a liar. There are potato chips in my fridge as well. Why they are there remains a mystery, but it saves having to remember which cabinet they are in. One stop shopping is the way to go.
Besides, combing my hair for her last night was enough. Not doing it this morning, proud “retrosexual” that is me.
At least having the decency to say some morning prayers would be appropriate.
“Hey God…those people I pray for every night…yeah those people, the same ones…look after them again.”
Back to sleep, despite every attempt to wake up. The home phone is turned off, the cell is off as well, and the pager is still shattered, in addition to being disconnected years ago.
There may have been a car crash outside my building followed by 911 calls and sirens, but telling everybody to “keep it down,” solved that problem. A brief nightmare of me being late for work was averted when I realized my location to me was known if necessary.
Four televisions in the living room, and none in the bedroom. Who thought that up? Oh yeah, a television in the bedroom would promote laziness. Besides, trying to figure out which remote to use would cause me to break them all as if they were my pager.
Ok, here it is. Come on, elbows, do your stuff. Rise, young lad, rise! Awaken thy exhausted tired eyes!
Why is God shouting? Oh wait, that is my overdramatization of God.
Time to set the alarm now to avoid missing work tomorrow. Where was it thrown? Threw it? Oh, screw it.
Ok, time for my four word prayer. It has gotten me this incredibly terribly far. Time to contemplate getting out of bed.
Happy 2015 all. Except for the person that woke me up earlier. Whoever you are, I still can’t stand you, even though you are doing me a favor.
Ten hours and 16 bowl games later, there is only one thing left to do.
Time for a nap. Happy 2015.
Hanukkah 2014 Epilogue
All through the house
Not a politico was stirring
Not even to grouse
The revelry is done
Time to sleep tight
Bye bye partying and decadence
And to all a good night!
Hanukkah 2014 Night 1 — The Festival of Lights
2014 Los Angeles Hanukkah Parties
Tuesday, December 16 — 3:30pm Chabad of Malibu Menorah Lighting
Tuesday, December 16 — 6pm Chabad of Sherman Oaks Menorah Lighting at the Galleria
Tuesday, December 16 — 6pm Temple Judea Menorah Lighting at Whole Foods Tarzana
Tuesday, December 16 — 7:30pm Chabad of Beverly Hills Menorah Lighting at 2 Rodeo
Tuesday, December 16 — 7:30pm Block Party in Westwood
Wednesday, December 17 — 10am service and luncheon in the Pico area
Wednesday, December 17 — 4pm Carnival in Beverly Hills
Wednesday, December 17 — 4:30pm Hanukkah Party at Sinai Temple in Westwood
Wednesday, December 17 — 5:30pm Jewish Heritage Night with the LA Clippers
Wednesday, December 17 — 6:45pm Hanukkah Kids Carnival at Westwood Kehillah
Wednesday, December 17 — 7:30pm Hanukkah Challah baking in Pico area
Wednesday, December 17 — 8pm Hanukkah cookie decorating in Westwood
Thursday, December 18 — 5pm Klezmer Juice performance at 3rd Street Promenade Santa Monica
Thursday, December 18 — 6:30pm YALA happy hour in Pico area
Thursday, December 18 — 8pm comedy night in Beverly Hills
Thursday, December 18 — 9pm Moshav Band in Studio City
Friday, December 19 — 5:30pm dinner at Beth Jacob in Beverly Hills
Friday, December 19 — 6:15pm Temple Judea Hanukkah celebration in Tarzana
Friday, December 19 — 6:45pm dinner in Sherman Oaks
Friday, December 19 — 7pm dinner in Mid-Wilshire area by La Brea
Saturday, December 20 — 9pm Party and toy drive in Hollywood
Sunday, December 21 — 10am Hanukkah party at Northridge Skateland
Sunday, December 21 — 1pm IDF fundraiser in Westwood
Sunday, December 21 — 2:30pm Hanukkah Celebration at Farmer’s Market mid-Wilshire
Sunday, December 21 — 4pm Republican Jewish Coalition Hanukkah Celebration.
Sunday, December 21 — 5:30pm Party in Los Angeles on Beverly Blvd
Sunday, December 21 — 5:30pm Hanukkah Party at Ahavat Torah in Brentwood
Sunday, December 21 — 6pm Menorah Lighting at City-Walk in Studio City
Sunday, December 21 — 8pm Hanukkah Party at Lucky Strike Bowling in Hollywood
Monday, December 22 — 7:30pm Skating party at Northridge Skateland
Monday, December 22 — 8pm Party in Pico area
Tuesday, December 23 — 3:30pm Menorah Lighting at Alpert JCC in Long Beach
Wednesday, December 24 — 8pm Guardian Party at Greystone Manor in West Hollywood
Wednesday, December 24 — 8:30pm The Ball at Argyle Hollywood
Wednesday, December 24 — 9pm Schmoozapalooza at Red Restaurant on Melrose
Thursday, December 25 — 2pm Chai Center Not a Christmas Party in Los Angeles.
In Golden Globes news, nobody cares about the Golden Globes. This concludes the 2014 Golden Globes report.
I thank almighty God for creating the USA, NFL, & Republican Jewish brunettes jiggling like jello on my Thanksgiving turkey plate.
Happy Thanskgiving all!
Tonight I was supposed to be on a redeye to London, England.
The purpose of the trip was two-fold. I was to spend Rosh Hashanah with the Jewish community of London. There is nothing like starting the year off getting to know Jewish brunettes with hot, sexy British accents. Also, the Oakland Raiders were playing a game in Wembley Stadium.
My reasons for canceling the trip had nothing to do with radical Islam. When Islamists keep us from flying, they win. The Scottish referendum also played no role. Neither did Pippa Middleton’s refusal to go out with me, since I have yet to officially ask her out.
Bottom line, the Raiders are having a tough year. Today is coach Dennis Allen’s birthday, so I will hold off any comments about him and the team until tomorrow.
The main reason for the cancellation is that the 2014 midterm elections are one month away. While I have not had a vacation in 6 years, right now all GOP and conservative hands need to be on deck. The stakes are too high for me to leave the United States.
Europe does not interest me in the slightest, but at some point I will go before it becomes part of the Islamic Caliphate.
So for those of you in the Los Angeles Jewish community who are near and dear to me, I am home for the holidays and would love to see you all.
Next time, London.
September 2014 Tygrrrr Express speaking schedule
As part of my Tygrrrr Express book and speaking tour, August had me in the Mountain West. I spoke to groups and signed copies of “Ideological Bigotry,” “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy” in Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, and Eastern Washington State.
September brings me back to the East Coast, from Eastern Pennsylvania to New Jersey and past New York into New England.
Here is my 2014 speaking schedule.
Friday, September 5, 2014 — Flying from Los Angeles to Philadelphia. Driving to Lebanon, Pennsylvania near Harrisburg.
Saturday, September 6 — Speaking at the Lebanon 912 Project Picnic during the day.
Sunday, September 7 — NFL Football. Join me in a Philly sportsbar.
Monday, September 8 — Speaking to the Kitchen Table Patriots in Philadelphia in the evening.
Tuesday, September 9 — Speaking to the Cliffside Park GOP Club in North New Jersey in the evening.
Wednesday, September 10 — Speaking to the Elmwood Park GOP Women’s Club in North Jersey in the evening.
Thursday, September 11 — Touring the 9/11 Museum and Ground Zero in New York City.
Friday, September 12 — Jewish Sabbath dinner in New York or New Jersey.
Saturday, September 13 — Speaking at a Liberty and Prosperity luncheon in Southern New Jersey near Atlantic City.
Sunday, September 14 — NFL Football. Join me in an Atlantic City or New York City sportsbar.
Monday, September 15, 2014—Speaking to the Somers Point GOP Club near Atlantic City in the evening. Then driving that night to New York and the following morning to New England.
Tuesday, September 16 — Speaking to the Gloucester GOP Township in Massachusetts in the evening.
Wednesday, September 17 — Speaking to the Chaplin GOP Town in Northeast Connecticut in the evening.
Thursday, September 18 — Speaking to the Worcester Tea Party in Massachusetts in the evening.
Friday, September 19 — Flying from Boston back to Los Angeles.
Friday-Saturday, September 19-20 — Attending the California GOP Convention in Los Angeles.
Sunday, September 21 — NFL Football. Join me in Los Angeles.
Monday, September 22-Wednesday, October 1, — Trip to London. Tentative.
Thursday-Friday, September 25-26 — Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
Sunday, September 28 —NFL Football. Join me at the Oakland Raiders game in London.
October has me speaking mainly in Texas.
After 5 days at home, time to take the Tygrrrr Express back on the road. Off to Philly. Eastbound and Down. In a streak of black lightning called the Tygrrrr Express
On to the next adventure.
Joan Rivers was not a self-loathing Jew. She was a real Jew and proud of it.