Football is for men, Coldplay is not
Football is for men, Coldplay is not
What the heck is that beeping sound?
(Knocks the phone off the hook, keeps banging the snooze alarm)
A voice tells me it’s my pager. My pager is black, so finding it in the dark is the needle in the haystack equivalent. A lucky smack knocks it against the wall, where it may or may not have shattered. The beeping continues. Why does anyone need a pager anymore anyway?
Who the heck is texting me at this ungodly hour of…(either 7 a.m., 1 p.m., or 1 a.m. …it looks blurry)?
Oh, no. It is 5 a.m., and my first radio interview of the New Year is with the morning man of an East Coast station. Time to pretend to sound coherent and go back to sleep. Oh no, wait, that radio interview was two years ago.
Great, happy wishes for the new year. Thanks. Whoever you are, it is too early to talk to you.
One year the person on the telephone insisted it was 1 p.m. After explaining to them that they were on the East Coast, and that 1 p.m. EST is 10 a.m. in Los Angeles, they grew impatient. They knew how to tell time, and that it was 4 p.m. EST, hence 1 p.m. my time.
Sure, getting up and writing my column is an option. It’s a new year, and starting the year off with a flurry of brilliance might be helpful. Forget it. This column is recycled from years ago.
Election 2016? The first candidate to call me gets blistered in my column … tomorrow.
Bowl games? There is Tivo. Besides, does anybody care who wins the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the Lack of Insight.com Bowl, the Fishbowl, the RU486 Morning After Bowl, The California Metrosexual Pride Bowl, or any other game that may or may not be made up?
Speaking of the morning after, does anybody remember the David Byrne Talking Heads song from the movie “Less than Zero? (which the temperature feels like right now, even in LA)? The song is called “Once In A Lifetime.”
“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. What have I done? How did I get here?”
It then occurs to me that the beeping sounds are the voices in my head telling me I am too old, even at 44, to stay out this late. Even without alcohol, exhaustion has set in.
Get out of bed? Work calls in (whenever) hours. Better rest up, before my tyrant of a boss complains. Such is the life of the self-employed.
Get up now? Somehow stagger to the shower, get dressed, make it out of my condo to go … where?
The stores are closed. Maybe they are open. Too tired to find out.
My birthday is in just over a week. Time to pace myself.
Work on my website? All that takes is staggering to my couch. Oh, no. My IT guy has not finished it yet. Oh, wait, he did years ago. I clicked on the wrong site.
Go on Jdate and search for women? Not a bad idea, except it is too tiring to check their Adams Apples. This is not the year for a boyfriend, and am not sure that my eyes can tell the difference right now. Besides, Jdate is so 2014. Now it is Tinder, JSwipe and Crush.
Shop on Ebay? No, bad idea. Buying stuff when not at full capacity is problematic. Who needs another mountain goat? Dang creature gets his horns in my hide. Not a comfy way to wake up. Calm down boy, you’ll get some straw to graze on upon my waking up.
Work on my record album? Although again, world, just because my hair is long, that does not mean my band exists. The best instrument is the triangle, because that tells me lunch is ready.
Ahh, yes, lunch. Get up and eat something. My microwave is slow, and a five minute microwave dinner takes almost 15 minutes. Read the paper? It is cold outside my building where the stand is, and it only takes coins. Reading the paper online is tiring, and my printer is not working. At least the lifestyle section makes a great placemat for eating.
Staying in bed for only a couple more hours until (whatever the big and little hands say) would allow me to stay up all night and be totally exhausted for work tomorrow. Again, my boss is a tyrant.
Running errands … not gonna happen.
Every morning, a four word prayer starts my day. My elbows are used to try and leverage them against my bed to prop me up. Placing my alarm clock on the other side of the room failed, since ripping the cord out of the wall solved that problem.
As for the Jewish brunette who stole the covers, her political liberalism was not a problem last night, although if she opens her trap today she will receive a more caustic reception than usual.
Oh wait, she already left. Here is a note. “Tried to wake you, but that was a losing battle. By the way, you have nothing but soda in your fridge. Talk to you soon.” oh, wait, I think that happened a decade ago. This is 2016 not 2005.
She is a liar. There are potato chips in my fridge as well. Why they are there remains a mystery, but it saves having to remember which cabinet they are in. One stop shopping is the way to go.
Besides, combing my hair for her was enough. Not doing it this morning, proud “retrosexual” that is me.
At least having the decency to say some morning prayers would be appropriate.
“Hey God…those people I pray for every night…yeah those people, the same ones…look after them again.”
Back to sleep, despite every attempt to wake up. The home phone is turned off, the cell is off as well, and the pager is still shattered, in addition to being disconnected years ago.
There may have been a car crash outside my building followed by 911 calls and sirens, but telling everybody to “keep it down,” solved that problem. A brief nightmare of me being late for work was averted when I realized my location to me was known if necessary.
Four televisions in the living room, and none in the bedroom. Who thought that up? Oh yeah, a television in the bedroom would promote laziness. Besides, trying to figure out which remote to use would cause me to break them all as if they were my pager.
Ok, here it is. Come on, elbows, do your stuff. Rise, young lad, rise! Awaken thy exhausted tired eyes!
Why is God shouting? Oh wait, that is my overdramatization of God.
Time to set the alarm now to avoid missing work tomorrow. Where was it thrown? Threw it? Oh, screw it.
Ok, time for my four word prayer. It has gotten me this incredibly terribly far. Time to contemplate getting out of bed.
Happy 2016 all. Except for the person that woke me up earlier. Whoever you are, I still can’t stand you, even though you are doing me a favor.
Ten hours and 16 bowl games later, there is only one thing left to do.
Time for a nap. Happy 2016.
Top Ten Bimbos of 2015
Meet Renee, eharmony cyberstalker
Dear Renee from Pasadena, California,
I hope you never go on another date as long as you live. I hope you die barren and alone. You give all women a bad name.
1) Cyberstalking is lame. My life is public. If you want to ask me something about myself, just ask. I didn’t spend one minute Googling you.
2) The next time you read a quote about me, read the whole quote. I understand you’re probably ADD, but you only read 1/2 the quote.
Example: “I think we should eat healthier, set a better example for our children.”
Now read the spliced quote: “I think we should eat…children.”
Do you see how those sentences are different? Stupid b*tch.
3) The 1/2 quote you misread was from 2007. I guess you have not changed in the slightest in 8 years. I also got into fistfights in college. Perhaps that should scare you. I also stole cookies from my mom’s cookie jar. Perhaps that means I lead a life of crime.
When people ask why I prefer to date Republican women, it’s because I don’t want a hypersensitive priss who b*tches & complains about the slightest little things, especially when she has no idea what the hell she is talking about. For liberals, this is always.
Renee, you are a liberal. That is why you are a hypersensitive crybaby who lacks anything remotely resembling class. I would post your phone number and your picture but then you would get cyberstalkers, and nobody wants that. I know I don’t.
It genuinely angers me at how many low class women act badly and then wonder where all the good guys are.
Renee is a liberal. These are liberals. This is who they are. This is how they behave.
I HATE CYBERSTALKERS!
Today in Los Angeles is SlutWalk 2015, the only leftist movement with any redeeming value.
Slutwalk was supposed to be about female empowerment. The scantily clad women were dancing to gangsta rap, which calls women sluts, bizzatches and hos. Conclusion: Liberal women are idiots.
To promote gender equality, I’m organizing the Million Frat Boy March. #FratBoyLivesMatter.
Male reproductive needs must be paid for by government: Scented candles, Marvin Gaye and Barry White records, and hard alcohol. If they look like Sandra Fluke, paper bags will be provided. She’s a 3-bagger.
If you disagree with me, you’re an anti-male, anti-heteronormative, anti-heterosexist bigot who should shut the Sandra Fluke up.
This concludes Slutwalk Saturday.
Now to watch “Old School.”
My interview with Sydney Elaine Leathers
There are plenty of serious reasons to love America.
From 1776-2015, here are 239 decadent reasons to love America. God bless the USA.
|1980 Olympic Gold Medal Hockey Team|
|1980s hard rock hair metal|
|2 Live Crew’s Banned in the USA|
|7-Eleven Big Gulps and Slurpees|
|ACDC’s You shook me, Thunderstruck, Moneytalks|
|Airheads band The Lone Rangers|
|Al D’Amato’s singing|
|America the Beautiful sung by Ray Charles|
|American soldiers and veterans|
|Bad Touch’s Discovery Channel|
|Batman: The Dark Knight|
|BB King and Lucille|
|Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia|
|Bill Cosby, Himself video|
|Bill Murray’s Quick Change|
|Bill of Rights|
|Bill the Cat|
|Blue Collar Comedy Tour|
|Bouncing 25 cent rubber balls|
|Boxing promoter Don King|
|Bubblebaths for two|
|Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck|
|Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise movies|
|Capture the flag|
|Cards Against Humanity|
|Cheers’s Sam Mayday Malone and Norm Peterson|
|Cherry Lime Rickeys|
|Chocolate covered cherries|
|Chris Gardner’s The Pursuit of Happyness|
|Chris Noth’s Mike Logan|
|Chris Tucker singing Barry White|
|Coed touch football|
|Commando and pantsless Wednesdays (until HR intervened)|
|Conan O’Brien’s In the Year 2000|
|Dale Intimidator Earnhardt’s 1998 Daytona 500|
|Dann Florek’s Captain Donald Cragen|
|David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists|
|Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo|
|DirecTV NFL Package|
|Donald Trump’s Apprentice|
|Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry Soda|
|Dr. Charles Krauthammer|
|Eye of the tiger|
|Flavored massage oil|
|Freedom, liberty, right of dissent|
|Gaga (dodgeball using closed fist and cherry ball)|
|Gatorade dumping on coaches|
|George W. Bush picks up bullhorn|
|Glow sticks as fake cigars|
|Greg the Bunny|
|Happy face emoticons|
|Hot Chocolate’s You sexy thing (I believe in miracles)|
|Hot scantily clad women|
|I once finger-(blanked) a hermit crab (whoever said that)|
|In n Out Burger|
|Independence Day BBQs|
|J. Geils Band’s Centerfold|
|Jack Nicholson’s Colonel Nathan R. Jessup|
|Jerry Orbach’s Lenny Briscoe|
|Jerry Reed’s Eastbound and Down|
|Jim Carrey’s Ace Ventura, Pet Detective|
|John Cougar Mellencamp’s Pink Houses and Hurts so good|
|John Facenda’s The Autumn Wind|
|John McEnroe’s tennis tantrums|
|Judaism celebrated in peace|
|Justice Scalia’s scathing dissents|
|Karl Rove’s whiteboard|
|KFC Popcorn Chicken|
|Kim Kardashian’s bare bottom|
|King of the Hill|
|Kosher imitation bacon and crab|
|Krispy Kreme Donut Hamburgers|
|Larry Hagman’s J.R. Ewing on Dallas|
|Lee Greenwood’s God bless the USA and Bandit Express|
|Louisiana Cajun Cooking (Especially with Justin Wilson)|
|Mardi Gras, New Orleans|
|Mark Levin’s rants|
|Married with Children’s Al Bundy|
|Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing and Let’s get it on|
|Meat and potatoes|
|Michael J. Fox’s Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties|
|Mills Lane yelling Let’s get it on|
|Morris Day and the Time’s Jerk Out|
|Mountain Dew Code Red|
|MTV’s Celebrity Deathmatch|
|Murder, She Wrote|
|Nathan’s Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest|
|National Federation of Republican Women|
|National Football League|
|New Years Eve noisemakers|
|New York Post front and back page|
|New York Stock Exchange opening and closing bells|
|Old School with Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn|
|Overtime playoff hockey|
|Peaceful transition of political power|
|Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio|
|Queen’s I want it all|
|Redeye with Greg Gutfeld|
|Republican Jewish Brunettes|
|Republican Party Animals|
|Ronald Reagan’s self-deprecating jokes|
|Rudy Giuliani’s New York toughness|
|San Diego Wild Animal Park|
|Save a horse, ride a cowboy|
|Sean Hannity’s Freedom Concerts|
|Sherman Hemsley’s George Jefferson|
|Sky high skyscrapers|
|Snoopy’s Joe Cool|
|Social networks for building businesses|
|South Beach, Miami|
|Supply-side tax cuts|
|Thanksgiving with John Madden|
|The Color of Money|
|The Counter Build Your Own Burger|
|The Frat Pack|
|Toby Keith’s Courtesy of the Red White and Blue|
|USA Cartoon Express|
|Video Arcade Games|
|We’re not France|
|Weekend at Bernie’s|
|Whitesnake’s Here I go again video|
|Wifi on planes|
|XM Sirius Satellite Radio|
|Young Jewish Conservatives|
|Yummy bouncies and badonkadonks|
|ZZ Top’s Sleeping Bag and Sharp Dressed Man|
In 2015, Father’s Day falls on the latest day that it possibly can. In 2015, dads everywhere were forced to wait longer for their presents. Forget the neckties. Dinner can be done at any time. Men like to look at pictures of attractive women. Give him the ultimate pin-up calendar.
From Father’s Day to Ramadan to the Summer Solstice, it is time for men of all stripes and ages to appreciate beauty.
It is time to reveal the Top thirty hottest political women of 2015, also known as the Top 120 Yummy Bouncies.
Mother’s Day 2015 Report
Dear mom, thank you for not being Michelle Obama or Hillary Clinton. You gave me love without trying to regulate every aspect of my life.
I love you mom. Happy Mother’s Day. Please root for a New York Rangers win even if you have no idea who they are. Go Blueshirts!
Those wanting to serenade mom on Mother’s Day should pick a better choice than Tupac Shakur’s “Dear Mama.”
Don’t forget to wish a happy Mother’s Day to Richard Roundtree. Shaft is one bad Mother! Shut your mouth!
May 9th in America is May 10th in Moscow. On which day should Russians living in the USA wish a happy Mother’s Day to Mother Russia Vladimir Putin has yet to rule.
Fatwa: Woman-beating patriarchical Islamist cowards shall from now on celebrate Mother’s Day or get a stick to their behinds. Mama Akbar!
This concludes the 2015 Mother’s Day Report.
All Hail Stephanie Weiss, My 1000th Twitter Follower
April 20, 2015, is more than just the day we celebrate the release of the NFL Schedule. Virtually nothing is as important as football, but exceptions do exist. Tonight is also a night to celebrate meaningless metrics of artificial social acceptance.
I now have my 1,000th Twitter follower (I only follow 5 people).
Sure, spiteful people can now unfollow me and drop me down to 999, but think of a car odometer. The odometer hit 1,000. Driving backward does not change the historical nature of the moment.
Twitter follower number 1,000 is Stephanie Weiss. May you all celebrate her now and forever.
A lifelong Texan, Ms. Weiss lives in Texas with her husband and child. She is active politically, a staunch libertarian. Unlike some libertarians, she is not crazy.
She is trained in human resources management, which means she gets to make employees cry for something that was probably their fault anyway.
Raised in San Antonio, she is a big fan of the Spurs, and was before they began winning championships every other year. In 1999 she rooted for the Spyrs, but that could have been a keyboard error.
She now resides in Dallas. Despite being a Texan, she says “oil” rather than “awl” the way J.R. Ewing used to pronounce it.
When she gives you a quizzical look, she has furrowed eye brows, which she denies.
She is a nice, kind, smart person.
She is also now the owner of this fantastic legacy. People like round numbers, so they should like her. She is forever Twitter follower #1000.
All Hail Stephanie Weiss!