NFL 2023 Week 16 Prequel
This is when the big dogs come out!
Yes, I’m Jewish. Yes, my Christmas 2023 plans are set. God willing it will be a silver and black Christmas. At 10am Pacific time on December 25th, the Raiders are at the Kansas City Chiefs.
Out of respect for my fellow Christians everywhere, I am posting this today rather than on Christmas Eve or Day.
I hate the Chiefs. I hate their families. I hate their dogs and cats. My best t-shirt supplier is a Chiefs fan. Every time before the Raiders play the Chiefs, I fire him before the game and rehire him after the game. I really hate the Chiefs.
Raiders interim coach was asked what it would take for the Raiders to beat the Chiefs. His answer was perfect.
“Hit them in he mouth.”
He’s totally right. Now the players have to back it up.
This is not going to be easy. Arrowhead is one of the toughest stadiums to play in. 3 years ago, Derek Carr went blow for blow with Patrick Mahomes in Arrowhead and beat him.
I summoned up my inner Brian Billick: “The Kansas City Chiefs…the best team in football…maybe they are…but NOT TODAY!”
Last year Carr staked the Raiders to a 17-0 lead in Arrowhead. The Chiefs came back to lead 31-24. Carr drove the Raiders right down the field in the closing seconds and scored a touchdown. Sadly, the previous coach who’s name I will not mention went for the 2 point conversion rather than a tie and overtime. It was the right call but it didn’t work as the Raiders lost 31-30.
This year at home the Raiders at home led 14-0 but couldn’t finish the job. The Chiefs stormed back to win 31-17.
The Raiders have competed with the Chiefs. They are better, but we have a puncher’s chance to win. That’s what we need to do…hit them in the mouth.
If Taylor Swift steps on the field, hit her in the mouth as well.
If a priest or minister includes in his Christmas pregame prayer calls for a Chiefs victory, hit that priest or minister in the mouth as well.
In 1984, a Miami minister offered a pregame prayer where he asked God to deliver a Miami Dolphins victory over the Raiders. Retired Raiders linebacker Ted Hendricks slammed his own head into a locker and said, “That’s how you hit people! Now take no prisoners, and that goes for that minister as well!” The God Hendricks believed in didn’t give a flying fig about the Dolphins. The Dolphins went 14-2 that year. The Raiders thrashed them on that day 45-34.
Talk is cheap. Hit the Chiefs in the mouth. Win the d@mn game.
Peace on earth? Good will toward men? Not when it’s Kansas City. Not during the game. This is a big one.
(Dear nose-ringed, blue-haired Gen Z Facebook censors: In case you are too stupid to know, this is football hyperbole and not an actual call to violence. Most of you are emasculated beta males and hideous females who do not understand or appreciate football.)
Hit them in the mouth.
Thursday, December 21, 2023, 8pm
New Orleans Saints at Los Angeles Rams (-4) — Both 7-7 teams are fighting for their playoff lives. The Rams have been better in recent weeks. They have the offense while the Saints have the defense. There really is no home field advantage in Los Angeles. Given the Rams offensive weapons, trust them to do just enough in a close game against a Saints team that has been inconsistent all years. Rams win but fail to cover
Saturday, December 23, 4:30pm
Cincinnati Bengals (-2) at Pittsburgh Steelers — The 8-6 Bengals and 7-7 Steelers are fighting for playoff survival. The Steelers have lost three straight games against inferior competition since Mitch Trubisky entered in place of the injured Kenny Pickett. Jake Browning has played well in place of the in injured Joe Burrow. The Bengals have more weapons. Home field rarely matters in AFC North street fights. This will be another barefisted slobberknocker. The Bengals have the better kicker and the better quarterback. The Steeles are spiraling downward. Bengals cover
8pm
Buffalo Bills (-12) at Los Angeles Chargers — The Bills are a good team. The Chargers went from being below average to being truly bad when Justin Herbert went out injured. The Chargers fell behind last week by 56 points, including a 42 point halftime deficit. Yet the long overdue firing of Brandon Staley could give the Chargers a temporary jolt. There is no home field advantage in Los Angeles. The Bills are better, but the spread is too high for an 8-6 road team against an angry bad team playing its first game after its worst game. Bills win but fail to cover
Sunday, December 24, 1pm
Cleveland Browns (-2 1/2) at Houston Texans — The 9-5 Browns and 8-6 Texans both have a legitimate chance at making the playoffs. Joe Flacco has found the fountain of youth, especially when throwing the deep ball. Both teams have good defenses. CJ Stroud is playing well. Yet this game is about the defenses. In a dog fight, trust the Dawg Pound in a year where the Browns are winning in 1980 Cardiac Kids style. Browns cover
Washington Commanders at New York Jets (-3) — Both teams are bad. The Jets have a good decent and an awful quarterback. In a game with no playoff implications, go with the defense and the home field. Jets cover
Seattle Seahawks (-2 1/2) at Tennessee Titans — The Seahawks won a thriller against Philadelphia on Monday night. Now they have a short week to play against a Tennessee team that is injury-riddled but plays hard. The Titans have the better defense. Drew Lock and Will Levis have played well in place of the injured Geno Smith and Ryan Tannehill. The Seahawks are primed for a letdown after such a huge emotional win. Upset special, Titans win outright
Indianapolis Colts at Atlanta Falcons (-1) — The 8-6 Colts have gotten solid play from backup Gardner Minshew. The Falcons just lost to previously one-win Carolina. Both of these teams are surprisingly very much alive in their dreadful divisions. The Falcons do not get the benefit of the doubt after last week. Jonathan Taylor, thumb injury and all, will run wild. Upset special, Colts win outright
Green Bay Packers (-4 1/2) at Carolina Panthers — In 1997, this was the NFC Title Game. Now it is a bad Packers team at 6-8 clinging to playoff life against the worst team in the NFL. The Panthers won their second game of the season last week. The spread is too high for an unimpressive road team against a bad team that competes hard. The Panthers have improved slightly since Interim Coach Chris Tabor took over for the fired Frank Reich. Upset special, Panthers win outright
Detroit Lions (-3 1/2) at Minnesota Vikings — The 10-4 Lions have all but wrapped up the NFC North division while the 7-7 Vikings are in survival mode. Yet the Lions are simply a different team on the road. The Lions are 7-0 at home and 3-4 on the road. The Vikings will be desperate. Nick Mullens is an upgrade over Joshua Dobbs. The Lions offense is unstoppable indoors. The Vikings play indoors. Go with the desperate team at home against the inconsistent road team. Upset special, Vikings win outright
4pm
Jacksonville Jaguars at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1) — Both teams are 8-6 but moving in different directions. The Jaguars have lost three straight games. Baker Mayfield has lifted the team. Trevor Lawrence has made uncharacteristic mistakes for him in recent weeks. The Buccaneers have more offensive weapons at wide receiver while the Jaguars have the edge at running back. Home field and weather are not factors. Go with the trend. Buccaneers cover
Arizona Cardinals at Chicago Bears (-4) — The Bears are who we thought they were. That never gets old. Yet the Cardinals are even worse. For their fans, that is very old. The Cardinals are improved since Kyler Murray returned. Justin Fields gets very little help. The Bears are not good enough to justify winning by more than a field goal. The Cardinals played San Francisco tough last week before wilting late. Bears win but fail to cover
Dallas Cowboys at Miami Dolphins (-1 1/2) — 30 years ago last month, Leon Lett had his second blunder in nine months. His snowstorm fumble after a blocked field goal allowed the Dolphins to steal a win. This year both teams are very good. Both teams are 10-4 and legitimate Super Bowl contenders. The Dolphins have the better defense. Tua Tagovailoa throwing bombs to Tyreek Hill is virtually unstoppable. Dak Prescott has many weapons. Weather and home field will not be a factor. Go with the better defense in what could be a shootout. Dolphins cover
8pm
New England Patriots at Denver Broncos (-6 1/2) — Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are long retired. Bill Belichick is hanging by a thread. Sean Payton has turned around the Broncos, but they got blasted last week at Detroit. At 7-7, the Broncos are barely alive for a playoff spot. The Patriots have a god defense, but the Broncos are angry and at home. Russell Wilson is much better than Bailey Zappe. Broncos cover
Monday, December 25, 1pm
Las Vegas Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs (-10) — The Chiefs usually beat the Raiders, but the 6-8 Raiders make it tough. The last two times, the Chiefs overcame 17-0 and 14-0 deficits to win. The Raiders scored a franchise record 63 points last week, but that was at home. Arrowhead is a different animal. Patrick Mahomes is far better than Aidan O’Connell. Antonio Pierce has infused a new attitude to the Raider, but the 9-5 Chiefs have more talent. The spread is high. If the Raiders can run the ball, they can keep it close. The Chiefs will be enraged after losing at home to Buffalo on a controversial call, but the Raiders will be in desperate fighting mode. Chiefs win but fail to cover
4:30pm
New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles (-12) — The Eagles started 10-1 before losing three straight. They lost last Monday night at Seattle when their defense gave up a 92 yard drive in the final two minutes. The Giants have come to life in recent weeks under backup Tommy Devito, but they reverted back to being terrible in a lifeless loss at New Orleans. The spread is too high to trust an Eagles team in free fall. The Giants will not come close to winning this game, but they could get a garbage touchdown. Eagles win but fail to cover
8pm
Baltimore Ravens at San Francisco 49ers (-5 1/2) — The 2012 season brought us the Harbowl. John Harbaugh is still coaching Baltimore while his brother Jim might be returning to the NFL. Both of these teams are 11-3. Lamar Jackson is a dual threat. The 49ers have a nasty defense. The Ravens win by running the ball and playing defense. The 49ers have plenty of offensive weapons for Brock Purdy to throw to. Christian McCaffrey is running with power and purpose. The spread is a bit high, but the 49ers have more offensive firepower. 49ers win but fail to cover