RANKING THE 10 NEWEST JOB OPENINGS
- 1.) Venezuela President
Pluses: Absolute Power, plenty of money, wide talent pool, oil
Minuses: Most of the people think football is soccer.
The pick: It takes a power-mad dictator to run a dictatorship. Jerry Jones should buy Venezuela and install fellow dictator Jimmy Johnson as coach.
- 2.) Pittsburgh Steelers
Pluses: Very stable and patient organization.
Minuses: Unsettled quarterback situation, impatient and unforgiving fan base.
The pick: Give Mike Tomlin a lifetime contract including a tiny slice of ownership. Reject his resignation. Or, drive your most hated Baltimore enemy crazy by hiring John Harbaugh.
- 3.) New York Giants
Pluses: Franchise quarterback ad running back in place.
Minuses: Quarterback plays reckless, sports media brutal.
The pick: Antonio Pierce played for the Giants. He’ll instill toughness.
- 4.) Baltimore Ravens:
Pluses: All world quarterback, all world running back, normally stable organization.
Minuses: Close to none.
The pick: John Harbaugh. Owner Steve Bisciotti should confess to smoking crack and vow to enter rehab. Firing Harbaugh is insanely stupid. Barring that, drive your most hated enemy in Pittsburgh crazy by hiring Mike Tomlin.
- 5) Atlanta Falcons
Pluses: Two competent quarterbacks, all-world running back. Matty Ice lacks the experience but has the gravitas to succeed as team President.
Minuses: Unknown general manager.
The pick: This team has gone to the dogs. One guy with ties to the Falcons who can work with quarterbacks and now has compassion for dogs in Michael Vick.
- 6.) Las Vegas Raiders
Pluses: Top draft pick, 10 overall draft picks, decent defense, tons of cap space, solid running back
Minuses: Horrendous offensive line, part-time team President who’d rather be an announcer.
The pick: John Harbaugh. Mark Davis should kidnap Harbaugh (non-violently) and refuse to let him leave an undisclosed location until he is in Silver and Black. Drop a Brinks truck in his lap if necessary. Harbaugh should be plan A, B and C.
Otherwise, get the band back together. Bring back Chucky. If Billy Martin can get 5 chances, Jon Gruden can get 3. Get Derek Carr out of retirement for one year to mentor Mendoza.
- 7.) Tennessee Titans
Pluses: Franchise quarterback, high draft pick.
Minuses: A roster bereft of talent.
The pick: Bring back the glory years. Get favorite son Jeff Fisher to come back.
- 8.) Cleveland Browns
Pluses: Solid defense led by Myles Garrett
Minuses: Volatile quarterback situation
The pick: Deion Sanders. The Browns have not been interesting since Jim Brown. Deion may end up a train wreck, but it would never be boring.
- 9.) Arizona Cardinals
Pluses: Relatively warm weather.
Minuses: Everything else, including a roster bereft of talent and terrible ownership.
The pick: Favorite son Larry Fitzgerald or backup favorite son Kurt Warner.
`0.) Miami Dolphins
Pluses: Warm weather, South Beach, best party city in America
Minuses: Partying is not conducive for football, roster bereft of talent, terrible absentee ownership.
The pick: Secretary of State Marco Rubio shot down rumors that he was being considered. Miami is such an exciting city but has such a boring football team. One man can make the Dolphins interesting again, whether they win or not: Michael Irvin.
- 11.) Minnesota Governor
Pluses: Great state for football.
Minuses: Market may forbid second team besides Vikings, huge budget deficit, no cap space.
The pick: Assuming Kevin O’Connell can’t break his contract, go with Craig T. Nelson. Former Minnesota State Screaming Eagles Coach Hayden Fox won a National Championship.
eric