THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Once again, the greatest nation on Earth has show its superiority in the one arena that matters more than anything else…professional sports.

Not since Ally McBeal was canceled for having the audacity to air opposite Monday Night Football (let’s see Calista Flockhart stop a running back on 4th and goal at the one yard line) have I been so elated about sports. This was not just a win by the Ducks. It was a victory for the good guys against the scourge of the North (in addition to proof that anything Disney separates itself from turns out well. They bought the team, and the team was terrible. They sold the team, and the team did well).

Some of you may think Canadians are nice people, but when it comes to sports they get downright dirty. As long as I live, I will remember the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals (This is hockey for those who do not know) when the Los Angeles Kings led the Montreal Canadians one game to none, and were about to go up two games to none. With less than two minutes left in the game, a horribly bad illegal stick call on King Marty McSorley allowed the Canadians (what the heck is a “Hab” anyway?) to tie the game, win it overtime, and win 3 more games (two in overtime) en route to a four games to one win. Couple this with the Toronto Blue Jays defeating the Atlanta Braves (baseball), and I was an angry American long before Toby Keith sang that song.

American history is defined by our being the best in sports. In 1979, America was in a malaise. People worldwide questioned whether or not America was # 1 anymore. Then we beat the Russians in the 1980 Olympics at Lake Placid, New York. 11 years later, the Berlin Wall came down and America had officially won the cold war.

1993 had to be avenged. I repeatedly watched the movie “Canadian Bacon.” Yes, It is a Michael Moore movie, and yes he is the scum of the Earth, but it is hysterically funny, and the only film he made that he admits is actually fiction.

In 1994, my New York Rangers defeated the Vancouver Canucks (what is a Canuck anyway?). The pain lessened a bit, but there were other tests. In 2004 the Calgary Flames led the Tampa Bay Lightning three games to two. Then a true world tragedy happened. Ronald Reagan died. Game six was supposed to be a Calgary coronation, but not on this American’s watch. If they had to win game 7 that was bad enough, but they were not going to win game 6. The Calgary Flames (What the heck is a Flame, anyway? Just kidding.) were not going to win the championship on the day the Gipper died. The game went into overtime, and when the Lightning won, I screamed out “Not today!” Reagan’s death was not going to be desecrated. Thankfully the Lightning won game 7, and the championship.

Detroit may be a disgrace with regards to automobiles, but I’ll be d@mned if the Red Wings (hockey) or Pistons (basketball) are going to lose to a Nordique (Quebec, the French part of Canada, as if regular Canada was not bad enough) or a Toronto Raptor.

A few years ago I was sitting next to a very nice guy on a plane. I asked him what he did, and he said that he played hockey. I clarified that I meant to ask as to what he did professionally. He again stated that he played hockey. When he stated he played for the Islanders, I remarked that I was disappointed they let him on the plane. He knew right away I was a Ranger fan. I was able to overlook that until I told him how bummed I was that the USA got destroyed in the 2002 Olympic Gold medal hockey game that had just been played in Salt Lake City, Utah. The guy was glad we lost. I was in shock. I asked him why, and he explained he was with the Canadian team. At first I told him he could root for whoever he wanted, but then he reminded me that he was an actual player, and that he played in the game for the winning team.

Anyway, Mike Peca turned out to be a very nice guy, and we got along well. It was a pleasant flight. He did disappoint me by telling me that Canadian skater and sex goddess Jamie Sale was unavailable and not as she seems, but I trust my opinion over his even though he met her. I told him I would root for him to have a great career, but would not root for his team. This became an issue in 2006 when he played for the Edmonton Eskimos in the finals against the Carolina Hurricanes.

First of all, when the Hurricanes do well, the Rock song “Rock you like a Hurricane,” by the Scorpions blares over the loudspeaker, which is uber-cool. Uber is German for way cool, which Will Smith would describe as “Jiggy,” which is the nickname of the goalie of the Ducks, this year’s champions. See? It all ties together perfectly. I did like the Eskimos as a kid, but only because they defeated the Islanders. Anyway, the Carolia Hurricanes won in 7 games, reinforcing American superiority.

Now the Ducks have defeated the Ottowa Senators. Unlike USA Senators, who can drag things out for months and months (it is called a filibuster), these Senators lasted only 5 games, winning only one.

Some will argue that even though the Americans keep winning, most of the players are Canadian. This is either a lie, or if truthful, completely irrelevant. I am declaring it both. It is the uniforms that matter. Otherwise, the Canadians cannot take credit for the Toronto Blue Jays, who were mostly Americans and Dominican Republicans. They are actually called Dominicans, but anything involving republicans should be celebrated.

I am going to listen to Toby Keith records tonight and gorge on beef jerky and potato chips. I might even drink regular soda tonight instead of diet. All I know is if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be an American Hockey Championship team, once again saving our nation against foreign invaders.

Take that Canada! Oh, and as bad as my Oakland Raiders (football) are, I think we can beat the Montreal Allouettes. What the heck is an Allouette, Anyway? That is why Americans watch Nascar. There are no Allouettes in Nascar.

Oh, and if the Vancouver Canucks win again, there is also a Vancouver in Washington State. I will declare them American. Hamilton can be annexed by Buffalo. Alaska is a gray area, although the players in “Mystery Alaska” did lose to the New York Rangers (so much for Russell Crowe being a tough guy).

Congratulations to the (artists formerly known as Mighty) Ducks. Between Emilio Estevez and Scott Neidermayer, you have a long lasting legacy of American greatness.

eric

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 6th, 2007 at 8:28 pm and is filed under POLITICS, SPORTS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.