Life begins again

On the 8th day, God summoned two men to appear before him. Their clothing was about to become tattered. Their bodies were about become bruised, beaten and battered. Trickles of blood and patches of Earth would adorn them. Yet despite this perceived suffering, the men would be happy, as would anyone whoever witnessed them.

God flipped a coin in the air on this 8th day. One of the men yelled, “Heads!,” but alas the coin, rumor has it, landed on “tails.” God asked the man who won the coin toss whether he preferred to “give” or “receive.” The man replied, “receive.” As consolation, this other creature of God was given the choice of defending either of two plots of land, to the north or south. This other man, seeing signs of an impending storm coming from the south, replied, “north.”

God then watched as these two men shook hands. God then thundered from the heavens his 11th commandment, which would become a way of life for millions in the centuries to come. “Gentlemen…Let’s play football.”

Thus saith the lord, chapter 2007, verse 1, pre-season.

After months and months of wandering through the wilderness of boredom (baseball, golf and soccer), life prepares to begin again as it does every September.

August is a teaser. Pre-season does not count. The games do not count. Yet it brings hope. Hope truly does spring eternal. As the Oakland Raiders prepare to take on the Arizona Cardinals, men everywhere prepare ritual sacrifices to thank their almighty lord for his giving us this pleasure.

Burnt offerings are prepared in the form of red meat, various potato chips, and hearty beverages. A silver and black comforter spreads out across the couch.

As 7 months of intensity that have been built up finally get ready to explode, I see the beauty behind that first kickoff. To those who witness the glory of toe meeting oblate spheroid, I quote the great sage and boxing referee Mills Lane with the battle cry of, “Let’s get it on!”

One team will strike first blood, and the other team will parry back. Ballgame. On.

Oh, it’s on alright.

2006 was a painful year for the swashbuckling band of pirates from Oakland. So was 2005, 2004, and 2003. 2002 was a year of glory, that all came crashing down in the final game. No matter. 2007 is officially here, several months after Christians celebrate the New Year.

Some say the Jews are the chosen people. Who else but the Hebrews would hold their Sabbath on Saturdays, so as not to miss the games on Sundays? Who else but the people of the book would hold their holiest days of the year around the same time the National Football League begins their year?

All I know is that in a feminized world, there is still one place where men can congregate, and have a few hours of peace away from their trouble and strife…my home.

With 4 tvs in the living room and the NFL package, the world is invited on Sunday to help see the holy scriptures of football emanating from the screens. We will study the questions that have been bedeviling man for years.

Will Brett Favre lead the Green Bay Packers back to the playoffs?

Will the Saints build on the momentum from 2006, and the greatest blocked punt in NFL history?

Will Jamarcus Russell and Brady Quinn be the next Ryan Leaf, or the next Peyton Manning?

Will the Colts and Patriots have another epic battle?

Ray Lewis, the defensive bulwark of the Ravens, will again motivate his defense into battle with his pre-game intensity. “What time is it? Game time! Any dogs in the house? (Loud barking noises followed.”

September is on the horizon. Hope springs eternal. 32 teams with 32 dreams, each undefeated.

God created Adam before Eve, and animals before vegetables. This was the lord’s way of telling the feminists and the vegetarians to leave the room and let the male carnivores enjoy the 8th day in peace. Those who claim sexism…don’t argue with the lord. He would be watching the game with us, except that he already knows the score, the only downside to being an all powerful deity.

The sacred jacket has been removed from the closet, and is ready to be worn. The silver and black badge of honor is ready for battle.

I await the opening well wishes from President Bush, and more importantly, the State of the League remarks from Commissioner Roger Goodell.

I have seen the state of the league, and my fellow leatherheads, it is strong.

As we kneel down in prayer, there is nothing left to do. The time is here and now.

Gentlemen! 2007 has arrived!

Let’s get it on!

Let’s play football.


3 Responses to “Life begins again”

  1. Kowboy says:

    I’ve been a fan of both the Raiders and Cowboys for longer than I care to admit. To give you an idea though, Darryl Lamonica and Don Meredith were the respective QB’s of both teams when I became a fan.

    I know, I’m old. lol

  2. Carole says:

    “Yet despite this perceived suffering, the men would be happy, as would anyone whoever witnessed them.”

  3. Carole says:

    [….continued from previous. Somehow didn’t go through]

    It is rare that I disagree with you, dear Tygrrrr…or is that Mr. Express?…but I must testify. Never, ever, has the sight of two or more of these men in any iteration of their occupation caused me any happiness. Period. Yes, while I joyfully join with you…uh…intellectually, of course….here, and am quite stimulated…uh, again, INTELLECTUALLY, I meant….by your discourse on a regular basis, on this particular subject we part company.

    Now, if you were to pontificate on the eargasm that is Carl Orff’s ‘Carmina Burana’….well, darlin’….I’d be all yours! ;-D

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