THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

The MSNBC debate between the children that make up the democratic party was laughable and insignificant for two reasons. First of all, it was on MSNBC. Secondly, it was a debate among the democrats. Rather than recap this nonsense, I have decided to paraphrase what these democratic debates are actually about.

Question 1–My kitty cat ran up a tree. I called 911, but the fire department was too slow in arriving because there was an actual fire somewhere else. George W. Bush does not care about me. What would you do to make me feel relevant and significant?

Hillary–My daughter Chelsea has a cat. It is an outrage that the President does not care about puppies and kittens. Our dog Buddy helped save my marriage during tough times, and I will not let other families be the victim of such cold republican uncaring. Dogfighting is wrong, and even though Michael Vick has nothing to do with this, I as a feminist will not allow George W. Bush to continue his alpha male frat boy anti-feminist animal policies.

Obama–Unlike my opponents, I have been against cruelty to animals from the very beginning.  While others were focusing on Al Queda, I was in the Illinois Sate Senate where we spent our time worrying about issues such as this. We have to have the audacity to hope for a more caring world where cats and dogs are treated equally to humans.

Edwards–Ma’am, I bet you were so cold shivering outside waiting for those that never came. I bet you caught a cold, and nobody was able to take you to the doctor, and that you do not have decent health care because George W. Bush does not care about you. George W. Bush cut the funding for first responders, and I think it is an outrage that our firefighters are fighting a fire while you are lost in the cold. Not in my America.

Question 2–We want to form a union so we can go on strike, bring work to a halt, and be guaranteed pay regardless of the quality and quantity of our work. Management opposes this, and is firing people that refuse to work. What will you do to ensure that we can be as glorious as Europe, where we are not treated like removable parts simply because we want to get more and do less?

Hillary–George W. Bush and Dick Cheney represent Halliburton and Enron. We need to take their profits so that the money can be used to form more unions. We will not rest until every business has either moved overseas, gone bankrupt, or fired all their workers. We will force them to unionize so that you can get your fair share from all those greedy businessmen. The fact that they will have no money to give you is ok because at least then there will be equality. We cannot have a republican economy where business thrives and some people have more than others. France has a heavy union presence, and their economy is doing fine, and will be even better when Bush and Sarkozy are replaced with Segolene Royale and myself.

Obama–I believe in Unions, and unlike my opponents, I have never been against any union of any kind, even if it is a union between two men provided the polls are not against that. George W. Bush is against gay marriage in the workplace, and people have the right to unionize with whoever they see fit. How dare George W. Bush try to crush unions between two loving and consenting adults just because they work together.  I will stand for the civil unions against the Halliburton-Enron Radical Right Christian Management of Bush and Cheney any time.

Edwards–Ma-am, I am the son of a mill worker, and it breaks my heart that managers line their pockets while workers barely have time to take their paid vacation, sick days, smoke breaks, coffee breaks, and other God given rights. George W. Bush gets paid sick days, and so should you. If you get fired from your job for refusing to work, I will make sure as President that the company is shut down until you are rehired and made a member of management. Of course, since you will be management, I will have to take away everything from you and give it to the next worker who complains about you so that everybody can be the boss. The American people are the boss.

Question 3–I am unhappy. I want. Gimme gimme gimme. I deserve. I am entitled. George W. Bush makes me cry. What can you do for me?

Hillary–It is an outrage that we are spending billions in Iraq when we have American suffering at home. You were happy when my husband and I ran this country. Your suffering began in 2001. I know you did not tell me what the exact problem is, but you don’t have to. I know what is best for you. You need somebody who cares about you, whatever you said your name was. It takes a village to raise a child, and adults are overgrown children. Mommy is here for you sweetie. I will be handing out candy and lollipops to all the good little kids like you. George W. Bush never gave you candy did he? He wants you to buy your own. I may not feel your pain, or any pain for that matter, but I am not George W. Bush, and that is why you should vote for me.

Obama–George W. Bush will never make you happy because he does not understand what is important. He grew up rich, and rich people cannot ever understand poor people. Just because rich people hire poor people and give them the income they need to feed their families, that does not make them good people. Poor people are dying in the streets every single day. I tried to stop this when I was in Illinois, but relocating them to Indiana so the problems were not in my back yard was thwarted when cold republicans from Indiana refused to show compassion. George W. Bush ran as a compassionate conservative, and the fact that you are crying right now does not mean you are a crybaby who would complain about everything anyway. It means you have been the victim of a President that does not care.

Edwards–How dare Goerge W. Bush not include psychology benefits in a universal health care package? He does not understand that until Americans spend their life savings on psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychoanalysts, they will never know what is wrong with them. People cannot rely on themselves. We need educated people with PHDs to tell us what is wrong with us. I wanted to buy a 60,000 square foot house, but I settled for half of that so that I can spend the rest of my riches on making myself feel better. Look at my hair. It’s perfect. I am incredibly handsome. I feel good about myself. If you vote for me, I can make you feel good about yourself as well.

Moderator–The rest of you on the stage are insignificant, but as the audience is leaving, please simultaneously shout out the reasons why you dislike George W. Bush. This concludes our pan handling session. Next month we will be asking actual homeless people to ask questions about why they think the War in Iraq is wrong. They will be rambling drug addicts in real life, but we will dress them up to make them look like down on their luck factory workers. For those of you who are concerned that we did not deal with the War on Terror, Al Queda, Osama Bin Laden, or other trivial matters, I remind you that this network will not deal with cold heartless issues by a cold heartless administration that does not care about lost puppies and kittens.

George W. bush is bad, and the republicans are being selfish for not debating on our unbiased network, instead debating on the animal and tree hating network Fox News. Thank you and good night.

eric

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 8th, 2007 at 12:02 pm and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.