THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I met her!

Who? Who do you think? Yes, her! I met Mary Katharine Ham!

YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(If Alan Greenspan heard this, he might accuse me of irrational exuberance)

I would do cartwheels but it has been a long, and incredibly happy, day.

On the overwhelmingly positive front, she is just as lovely in person as she comes across on television. She is simply a nice person, and I would describe her as a “cool chick.”

No, I did not propose, or say anything that would cause her to break out mace or pepperspray. We talked for 10 minutes.

Backtracking several hours, I started out in Los Angeles, where I was supposed to take a flight to Vegas that would arrive on Friday at just before 6pm. I noticed that Mary Katharine Ham would be speaking at a conference at 3pm. I asked my boss if I could take an earlier flight. He said yes. So I flew to Vegas early specifically in the hopes I would meet her.

Yet the reason why is not one anybody would suspect. It was not about love, sex, romance, or even friendship, although she seems like she would be a cool friend to have. It was not even about getting an interview with her for my blog, which she happily agreed to do. I wanted to look into her eyes, and find out one thing…whether or not she thinks I am an idiot.

Yep, that was my motive. As I told her, the whole “Jewish guy desiring Ham” thing started out as a tiny joke and turned into an enormous joke, a trilogy of stupidity. I am not ashamed of one word of it, but hopefully in 20 years I will be seen as more serious. I wanted to know if she had heard of my blog, the articles referring to her, and if she liked them.

I am happy…make that relieved…to say that she does not think I am an idiot. She liked the column, and thought it was funny. She clearly got the joke. Some people came up to her and said, “you have to read this,” with wide smiles. Others said to her, “Ummm, Mary, you might want to read this,” which is more ominous. I find her to be a bright young thinker, and wanted to make sure I did not offend her. She was beyond delightful.

Maybe I am guilty of way too much navel gazing, but yes, it does matter what people think up to a certain point. The comedians that lasted the longest, like Johnny Carson, did not insult people. So once I saw she was ok with what I wrote, it was less nerve wracking to talk with her.

She told me that while Michelle Malkin can sometimes be intimidating on television, she is a complete sweetheart in real life. Based on my Ann Coulter meeting, it does not surprise me that once the cameras are off, Ms. Malkin is not flaring her nostrils, but smiling and being pleasant. She said, “Michelle is sweet to everybody, unless you’re a liberal.” I replied that no, I was not a liberal, and that even though I am a nice guy, I am still a scorched Earth conservative.

I told her that I would rather be known as the guy who writes insightful columns about David Petraeus than some guy who craves Ham. I can only reiterate that my 10 minute impression of her was that she was funny, bright, and just a genuinely nice person. I did take my picture with her, but promised not to put it on the internet. I told her that part of that was because I could not understand why anybody puts pictures of themselves online, and I certainly do not. She laughed.

I wished her well, and told her that being that it was Friday night, I had to get to Temple.

I found a lovely Synagogue, and I mention my trip to Temple because when I was there, I was actually thinking about the service. I was not thinking about the stock market, the NFL, the Bloggers Choice Awards, or anything else. I was not even thinking about women, which I have been known to do inbetween prayers. Heck, I was not even thinking about Ms. Ham. I was just focused, and at peace.

I say this because while my columns can be disjointed, such as this one, my life is also that way, happily so. Yet today, my head was where it was supposed to be all day. At no time did my head and my hide swap spots. At work, I thought about work, and the same for meeting Ms. Ham, and then Temple.

Lately I have been musing aloud as to whether I want to be serious, sophomoric, or both. I still have no idea. My friend and I could have gone to the strip club, but despite this being Sin City, we are both homebodies. We hung out. We ended up watching Clerks II, which was a perfect metaphor for my thoughts. One minute the guys are involved in a bestiality scene with a donkey, next minute they are having serious discussions about what to do with their lives.

How can one movie be so filthy and then so insightful? Heck, it is a difficult balance. I know trying to balance serious republican party analyses with sexually charged drivel sprinkled in periodically is a high wire act I have yet to perfect.

All I can do is be me, and with being me, behind the bravado, is a small slice of humility. One thing I said to Ms. Ham proved prophetic. I told her, “My parents do not read my column every day. My Aunt and Uncle read it, and filter it before letting my parents know if they should look at it. When I write about General Petraeus, they love my column. When I write about desiring Ham, they tell me to stop being sophomoric.” Ms. Ham was genuinely amused by this.

She was also amused that I had to tell my parents, “No, I do not have a crush on Bea Arthur or Monique from Showtime at the Apollo. The Ham thing was for fun.” She laughed when I told her that my Rabbi saw the article, took me aside, and said, “we need to talk.”

As for other things she said, I will keep it private, not because it is “secret,” but because it was a pleasant enjoyable experience left off the internet unless she decides otherwise.

When I told my parents I met her, my mom was like, “oh yeah, the luncheon meat girl.” I cringed. My parents said they liked her on Bill O’Reilly’s program, and then my mom suggested I check my email.

I found a less than heartwarming note. My mother is a saint, but even saints can get fed up.

“I’m really bored this evening, so I read your latest blog article. It’s bad enough there were many grammatical errors (I know, you write quickly), but you don’t have to write rubbish.

‘Oh yeah, and a non-Jewish woman whose last name resembles a deli luncheon meat that my Rabbi would not approve of me eating will be there. I will not be an imbecile around her, although on the subject of deli meats, there is another woman I badly want to give the ketchup bottle treatment to when I get back.’

You’ve got to be kidding! How old are you, 12?

Mom”

Thankfully my dad, the king of blistering critiques, just apparently shook his head and probably questioned how two incredibly normal people produced this bizarre young offspring.

So what happens next regarding the saga of Mary Katharine Ham? Outside of the interview, nothing. My lust life is fabulous, but it will not get me to the next level. It is time to start writing brilliantly again. That means NFL recaps on Sundays, and hard core politics after that.

Oh, and mom and dad, I was perfectly polite, respectful and dignified with Ms. Ham. No, I did not bring up the ketchup bottle treatment. In fact, I did not even think about it in Temple.

I am not even thinking about it now…well…maybe a little bit.

Nah, I am thinking about what many guys think about after meeting a lovely woman like Ms. Ham…what many guys think about in general.

Man, this 7-11 Big Gulp tastes good…Gatorade Cherry Rain…now I need some Doritos or mini-donuts.

eric

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 10th, 2007 at 12:38 pm and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.