THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

Folks, the Tygrrrr Express is reporting live from Iowa…well actually I am in Los Angeles, so this is completely fictional, but only an imbecile would trek thousands of miles in January ice storms for a non-story.

Tygrrrr Express: Anderson Cooper, what do you see?

AC: Well Eric, as you know, the Hillary Clinton campaign has been handing out shovels and providing sea salt to make the roads safer. Unfortunately, two elderly ladies slipped and fell, breaking their hips. The Hillary Clinton campaign was first on the scene, making sure both women were ok. One of them appears to be a Hillary supporter, and while she wants to be taken to a hospital, they are trying to drag her into a caucus van. The campaign insists that they will look for a hospital adjacent to a caucus precinct, and that they understand her willingness to stand in line for hours with a broken hip. They came prepared with wheelchairs.

The other woman seems to be an Obama supporter, and it appears the Hillary campaign is just leaving her there. A Hillary spokesperson stated that if they took the woman to the hospital, the Obama campaign would accuse them of stealing votes, and that the only ethical thing to do is to leave her there so the Obama people can get her. When asked what could happen to her if the Obama campaign does not get her, the spokeswoman for Hillary replied that “Barack Obama should be faulted in that case for not having a strong enough organization. He is obviously not ready for the rigors of the Presidency.”

John Edwards is now on the scene, and he has promised to sue whoever is responsible for this woman falling and hurting herself. The woman stated that she was not angry, but that she really did need medical attention. Edwards stated that he would start by suing God, and if that failed, he would sue the city. In fact, he stated that he would sue in Sioux City, because it sounded the same as Sue City. Realizing this would anger other caucus voters, he decided to sue South Dakota instead, since that is where the woman was born.

Back to you Eric.

Tygrrrr Express: Thank you Anderson, you’re an overglorified pretty boy. Ok, now that the Clinton News Network has reported on the democrats, let’s see what Fox News has to say about their lovers on republican lane. Bill O’Reilly, what are you seeing?

BO: Well Eric, first of all, I could kick Anderson Cooper’s @ss in a heartbeat. He thinks having perfect hair will get him viewers. He’s wrong.

On the subject of perfect hair, as you know, Mitt Romney is incredibly handsome. Some undecided elderly ladies were walking to the caucus. When they told him they were undecided, one of the ladies mentioned she had a granddaughter. Springing into action, Romney promised the woman his eldest son, who is also incredibly handsome. Another woman also has a granddaughter, and Romney has offered her his second eldest son, who is also incredibly handsome.

Fred Thompson is bald, and destined for success. He is in his hotel room with his feet on the coffee table with a lit cigar. He has made it clear that “only an idiot would go outside in this weather,” and that the room service is spectacular.

Rudy Giuliani is in Florida. From what his campaign has reported, the weather is gorgeous, and while their is no snow on the ground, most of the elderly voters still complain about the cold, and the quality of the local buffet. He feels ready to take on Al Queda based on his experiences cleaning up New York City, steering the city through 9/11, and driving on Highway 95 to Okeechobee at the same time as senior citizens. He is tested, and they are testy.

John McCain has just been offered the use of a wheelchair by one of the other campaigns mistaking him for a grumpy old Iowa voter. Apparently this was a prank by the Huckabee campaign, who insisted that he was against the prank from the very beginning even while doing it.

Wait, we are getting word that Mitt Romney’s 5th son is only 80% as handsome as his other sons, rendering him the black sheep of the family, or by normal standards, the eggshell white sheep rather than lily white. Luckily the fifth woman’s granddaughter is significantly more hideous than the other girls, so the 5th Romney son will be acceptable compensation for her vote. Rumors are flying that Romney has ordered his wife to start procreating again now because he is out of sons to pawn off.

Tygrrrr Express: Bill, that is fascinating, and your toupee is better than Letterman’s. Who is going to win on the republican side?

BO: Weren’t you paying attention? This whole state is one gigantic Church. Even the Jews and Muslims here are Christians. Huckabee will win, because as you know, Jesus just had his birthday. While this has nothing to do with Pakistan, Iowa is not about serious issues.

Tygrrrr Express: Fascinating Bill. Chris Matthews, you shill for left wing wackos, what is going on with the candidates that only you care about?

CM: Eric, I am going to scream at you like my caricature on “Saturday Night Live,” because that is what I do. This place is colder than Zell Miller after forgetting his meds and challenging me to a duel. Yet the action is so hot that it’s hotter here than Zell Miller forgetting his meds and challenging me to a duel.

Tygrrrr Express: Chris, let’s play softball like you and Larry King do every night. Has the cold weather affected your softballs?

CM: Yes, they are freezing, and quite salty. Speaking of salty, Dennis Kucinich is very upset that his one campaign staffer forgot to bring the t-shirts that read, “I’m Dennis Kucinich.” The original idea was to have Eddie Murphy campaign for him, but that plan was aborted when Eddie stood next to Kucinich and yelled, “I’m Gumby, d@mnit!”

Mike Gravel is yelling louder than I am, but he is actually gaining support here. Apparently when the Hillary campaign ordered tons of sea salt with instruction to use it to “support the gravel,” that confused the voters. Some giant trucks with “gravel” written on them were seen as an endorsement of the Alaska Governor. His support has doubled, and he could pull down four votes, or 80% of his family.

Tygrrrr Express: Anything else Chris?

CM: Yes, this vote is closer than a welldigger’s @ss.

Tygrrrr Express: That does not make any sense Chris. Do you mean it is colder than a welldigger’s @ss?

CM: Yes, this vote is witch teat cold. The situation is more tense than a Dan Rather-Katie Couric smackdown. I wouldn’t mind giving Katie a smackdown on her shapely…

Tygrrrr Express: Hold that thought Chris, we are getting a report in from Florida. Despite the fact that he will be out of office in a year, President Bush’s opponents are still counting ballots from seven years ago. Apparently a box of lost votes for Al Gore was found in the swamps of the Everglades. How ironic is that? If only Gore had searched the pristine nature he loves, he would have won. Actually, wait, scratch that. They found 10 votes. However, at this rate, they will have enough votes to reverse the 2000 election by 2010.

We now go to Larry King in Florida. Larry, is the action intense?

LK: No Eric, in fact, nobody is here except Mr. Giuliani. I know the action is in Iowa, but with my phlebitis, the warm Florida sun works better. As for the voters, they definitely prefer Tony Bennett to Frank Sinatra. Say, did you know about my love for Angie Harmon?

Tygrrrr Express: You mean Angie Dickinson? Angie Harmon is married to Jason Sehorn, the athlete.

LK: The baseball player?

Tygrrrr Express: No, that is Jason Giambi. Anyway, it seems that the Governor of Florida is having a beef with the Governor of Arkansas?

LK: You mean Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton?

Tygrrrr Express: Larry, despite George W. Bush being all powerful, he could not keep his brother in office. Hillary Clinton was never Governor of Arkansas. She married a guy who became that, the only reason we know who she is. I was referring to the Huckabee-Crist conflict.

LK: Oh yes, that issue. Well Governor Huckabee keeps referring to the Governor of Florida as Charlie Christ. It is Crist, as in wrist. There seems to be confusion because Crist is supporting Giuliani, but Christ is supporting Huckabee. Also, given that Rudy is married to a lovely Hebrew woman who is the heir to the Nathan’s Hot Dog empire, there are rumors that he is changing his name to Rudy Jewliani. Christ was Jewish, and now Crist is supporting Jewliani.

Tygrrrr Express: Larry, his wife is a different Nathan, and that report was even more worthless than your normal show. Given that most of the voters there died a couple years ago and nobody told them, do you feel at home? Wait, hold that thought, we have returns coming in from Iowa.

http://michellemalkin.com/2008/01/03/iowa-place-your-bets/

It seems 10 people voted for the democrats. Hillary Clinton received 4 votes, with Obama and Edwards each receiving 3 votes. The Hillary Clinton campaign is calling it a landslide, and proof that George W. Bush is evil.

The republicans had 8 people vote. Mike Huckabee received 3 votes, with Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and Ron Paul each receiving one vote. Huckabee was prepared to take the oath of office, but Justice John Roberts explained to him that the Iowa Caucus does not directly elect the President. Upon realizing Iowa alone was not enough to get elected, Huckabee promptly quit the race.

The republican side is a mess, as the other 5 candidates scramble for Huckabee’s 3 votes. Ron Paul is claiming an avalanche of support, and his second place tie is impressive. Duncan Hunter was expected to drop out, in keeping with his promise to quit if he did not finish in the top 6, or get at least one vote.

Apparently Tom Tancredo is demanding that the other candidates address why all the illegal immigrants are being hidden, and why the Iowa police have not acted. Mitt Romney explained that their simply were only white people in Iowa, and that as an ultra white person himself, he was qualified to state with certainty as to the state’s homogeneity. Barack Obama absolutely agreed, and stated that he will not discuss his black heritage until he reaches South Carolina. Eager to jump on that bandwagon, Hillary Clinton will not go public with the news that she is actually a woman until she gets to California, a more progressive state. She will then ditch the pantsuits and go back to the girley girl hair she had in 1992.

Ok, for final thoughts…Pat Buchanan, go first.

PB: The problem with the Jews is…

Tygrrrr Express: Never mind, how about you Charles Krauthammer?

CK: This process is a complete joke.

Tygrrrr Express: Sir Charles of Krauthammer, right as always. Alan Colmes, your eyebrow creeps me out. Final thoughts?

AC: I have the same initials as Anderson Cooper.

Tygrrrr Express: Yes, but your nickname should be shared with Rob Reiner. Speaking of all in the family, Larry King, you have 20 families, any thoughts?

LK: Mitt Romney has handsome sons. I can’t wait to celebrate Hanukkah with them.

Tygrrrr Express…Umm, Larry…never mind. Susan Estrich…your thoughts?

SE: (High pitched inaudible screech that only dogs and Howard Dean can here)

Tygrrrr Express: Never mind. Bob Beckel, you like hookers. Why do you think George W. Bush is a moral failure?

SE: Eric, that was a cheap shot, and if there is anything I know, it’s cheap shots. I ran Walter Mondale’s campaign, so I think…

Tygrrrr Express: No you don’t. Greta Van Susteren, you do a fabulous imitation of “Beaker” from the Muppets. Final thoughts?

GVS: Well in talking to Scott Peterson on what Natalee Holloway’s mother thinks about Anna Nicole and Britney…

Tygrrrr Express: Greta, I wish you and Geraldo would be deported to Aruba permanently. I heard you did a cavity search of him and found some of the treasure in Al Capone’s vaults. Enough.

We have further news that private citizen and Yassir Arafat’s award winning compadre Al Gore claimed that there was a groundswell for him to enter the race, and that he had the support of Iowa football coach Hayden Fox. Apparently he got confused. Hayden Fry was a former football coach. He is deceased. Hayden Fox was a fictional football coach on the tv show “Coach,” played by Craig T. Nelson. Senator John Kerry claimed that he had the support of football coach Bo Schembechler, until it was pointed out that Mr. Schembechler is also deceased, and he was the coach of Michigan, not Iowa.

This concludes the waste of time that is the Iowa Caucus. As for the 18 people who voted, 18 is a lucky number in Jewish culture, but since none of you are Jewish, I hope you get hypothermia for forcing 18,000 journalists to cover your every movement from your morning shower to your evening bedtime tuck in. Mr. Clinton, stop pretending to be a journalist.

This concludes the Iowa Caucuses. On a side note, several terrorist attacks on American soil were foiled today, but the media was busy covering Iowa, given that there are no caucuses in Pakistan or Iraq today.

Dear God, I pray for ice storms to blanket them all, until their lips are too frozen to speak.

eric

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 3rd, 2008 at 10:59 am and is filed under POLITICS. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.