While removing Roman Candle residue from my (redacted) with a spatula, I keep thinking of the song “Love Hurts.” Nevertheless, my love life has nothing to do with this column.
Barack Obama has gotten into hot water during the course of the 2008 Presidential campaign for his association with a Chicago church that traffics in bigotry.
Even in its most eloquent form, “Hate Whitey! Amen!” does not inspire everybody.
Nevertheless, here is how I would have handled the issue. While my proposed solution
will most likely offend more people than Pastor Wrong and Pastor Phlegm combined, I hope that Christian America accepts that this column was written after suffering a reverse Independence Day fireworks accident that left me with 11 fingers. Thankfully the extra one is another middle one, for when I am driving in traffic.
With that, I now do my version of a Barack Obama press conference, with my chin and nose tilted at a 54 degree angle as recommended in “The Onion.”
“My fellow Americans,
I have been asked on many occasions how I could sit in a church for 20 years, and then claim that I did not hear one offensive word that many others did hear. These are reasonable questions, and it is time that I reveal the entire truth.
Know, I am not Jesus, despite the iconic status I have reached. Nevertheless, based on my popularity, this revelation might be even more significant.
Here is the reason I heard nothing all those years in church.
America. Be honest. Church is boring.
Church is so colossally, mind numbingly dull.
Have you people seen Reverend Lovejoy on the Simpsons? That is church.
For every true believer inside a church, there are 10 or 20 people that were dragged there by the one family member that would not let them sleep in.
For those of you on the West Coast, even waiting until Noon to attend Mass means missing the fourth quarter of an exciting National Football League game. Living in Chicago, I don’t even get to see the kickoff.
Some would ask if I could have switched churches. With all respect to white America, your churches are even more insufferably boring. At least black churches have fire and brimstone. The topics are slightly less dull when the Pastor is screaming. Passion can paper over dry subject matter. White churches are more honest. The Pastor puts you to sleep, because he admits he has nothing to work with.
I am not an Atheist. I believe in God. I also understand that if God is everywhere all the time, he can be worshiped after the game is over. At least let a believer sleep in. Yet Churches all start their Sunday morning services in the morning.
For those who do not know, my home state of Illinois is home to the world headquarters of McDonalds. It would be nice if the few times I make it out of bed early enough to catch their breakfast sandwiches, I instead get dragged to church.
For those of you with no children, I have every right to be tired after a long week raising two kids. Yes, Michelle does most of the work, but they wake me up when they yell as well. Five bowls of sugar cereal do not lead to them being quiet enough for me to relax.
Sure I could take them to church, but why punish them? They are good kids. Unless they do something wrong, I see no reason to interrupt their cartoons and video games.
It is time that Christians, Jews and Muslims unite and admit that whatever your faith, you are bored out of your skulls in temple. Rumor has it that the Jews are not allowed to deal with money on their holy day. They must be the chosen people. They do not have to get woken up in the middle of a service to feed the collection plate. If you want me to donate money, stop waking me up in the middle of the service.
As for atheists, I have no use for you. You are a liability in a general election campaign, so just vote for me, and stay as far out of camera range as Muslim women wearing Burkhas. Americans like their leaders to be deeply religious without talking about it. So even though I fall asleep in church, I am deeply religious. Do not question me, or I will accuse you of criticizing my beliefs.
For those of you who are Pagans, Wiccans, Mormons, Morona, Gorgons, and other religions united by their having two syllables, I respect you all.
For those of you multisyllabic Christians, of course I know the difference between an Episcopalian and a Presbyterian. I would get bored explaining it to you. As for Southern Baptists, we should not see Northerners as intolerant even though the Northern Baptists have been wiped out of existence.
My campaign welcomes female Western Baptists as well as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered Eastern Baptists.
As for Lutherans, while I personally consider myself Superman, I support your right to worship Lex Luther (I wish I knew who I stole that from. He was bald.).
Feel free to worship as you see fit, just do not talk to me about it.
Also, whether you are a Jew for Jesus, a Christian for Mohammed, a Muslim for Moses, or a Hari Krishna, all I ask is what all Americans ask.
Keep your music down and stop handing me leaflets. I want to get from my temple to my car without being handled leaflets. I refuse to accept paperwork in church, so I desire it even less outside of the holy places of worship.
So again my fellow Americans, rather than focus on reading texts, why not honor God with a more traditional method, a multi-hour moment of silence.
For those of you who see me with my nose in the air looking self important, I am really praying silently. You should do the same.
Since silence can be practiced everywhere, I prefer to practice mine at home, in my nice comfortable bed, while Michelle does whatever it is she does.
I am the greatest Orator from Cicero, but please do not consider my condescending lectures to be sermons. I would be insulted that you would find me as uninteresting as I find you.
May God Bless our troops, because all speeches require saying that. We must pull out of Iraq immediately because we support them.
Thank you, and may God Bless America.”
I have never run a winning campaign, but I know THAT such honest blunt words would be enough to put Barack Obama over the top in both Massachusetts and Washington, D.C.
eric
“a Chicago church that traffics in bigotry.”
Wow, talk about sweeping blanket insults.
JMJ
Yea, I agree.
The traffic in that church consists of bigots.
If anything Obamas focus is definitly bigoted.
I am so tired of hearing about black this and black that from him and watching him pander to the black intersts, black celebrities. Always crying about racism against blacks.
And he never talks about his whiteness or how it played a role in his life.
When is the last time we heard him talk about growing up black or half white ?
I think he just realized that he has a white side also that he can use now. And since hes pretty much tapped out all the black votes hes ever going to get hes GOING to Nascar !!!
What better way to find upwards to 100,000 white working-class voters, together at one time, then a Nascar event?
Of course I dont think this will go over too well for him and he’ll probably get booed just like when Clinton tried it.
But I’ll bet he blames whatever happens on racism.
Nope.
Its because he already called those people bitter gun toting bible thumpers.
Ya’ know, for conservatives so defensive of the bigot label, one would think you guys would be less cavalier with the term. I call hypocrisy!
JMJ
Call what you want.
Requiring anyone to pay special attention to anyone just because they are not the traditional white mayo fed anglo is bigotry to the max
But the left is the party that constantly runs around calling everyine racist and bigot everytime we question anything having to do with any culture or minority.
We just want safe borders and we’re racists.
We question entitlements because we want to save a buck and we’re racists.
We dont want to hire who the government says we have to and we’re bigots.
I dont want my 12 year old son seeing two grown men grab assing and we’re homophobes.
We treat women like the the equals they say they want to be treated like and then when the feministas cant handle it we are misogynist.
Hypocrisy is on the left. Its huge, day to day.
Everyone is equal untill the libs find something unique about them and then all of a sudden they’re a minority with special needs.
How convenient when you guys cant get votes any other way.
Carefull how you guys talk about McCain guys. You wouldnt want to end up labeling yourselves as ageists.
All churches are bigotted. They have a very particular way of looking at things that separates them from every other church. That’s the whole zeitgeist. All churches claim to teach one and only one spiritual version of the Unified Theory. Therefore all the other churches, all the other ways of looking at things, must be wrong.
If you’re truly a Christian, or a Jew, or a Muslim then you must truly believe that whatever it is you believe must be right and everyone else must be wrong. You are bigotted against them. If, on the other hand, you really don’t care what kooky things people believe, you become vulnerable to their communities of thought – you’re not one of “them.” These days, “them” play themselves off as an embattled minority, when in reality they are secure majority.
I say all the Christians and Jews and Muslims should just agree today to give it all up and become ethical humanists like me. If it all goes wrong after that, then blame me. Just give it two hundred years or so to decide.
;)
JMJ
BO Van Winkle, would you believe?
That might also explain why his book also is in conflict with everything that he now says on the campaign trail.
He slept through his whole life!
He sure as hell didn’t learn anything!
You can say bigoted in the context that one church or religion feels its superior to the other.
The problem that you missed is that Trinity peddles bigotry against certain people and our government.
And no, not all churches are biggoted against each other just they believe they teach the true gospel.
Bigotry is intolerance. And we are tolerant of other religions opinions, lifestyles, or identities.
As a matter of fact any christian knows that we are more tolerant of each other than we are biggoted.
You dont have to automatically cast everyone who believes diferently than you as “wrong” period.
You can believe that they are not complete yet in their journey and that the process will lead them to your way eventually.
They are not wrong, they are just spiritually incomplete.
You could say that incomplete is wrong, but tolerance will lead you to believe that the process you believe they are experiencing is right.
Ethical humanist.
Hah, more of that PC elitest language that sets them apart into some avante garde1 category of uniqueness.
You’re an atheist with a conscience, alright !
Micky, I never said that ethical humanists had all the answers any more than I said you religious people have all the answers. There’s nothing “elitist” about it.
JMJ
I was not anywhere near talking on the subject of “answers”
I was smashing your position that all churches are biggoted.
And making a point that a ethical humanist is an atheist with a conscience just like a domestic engineer is a housewife.
I swear, you guys come up with the dumbest names for yourselves.
Thats what libs do. They have to categorize every little aspect of human behavior and try to set everything apart as some sort of unique minority.
Liberals who want society to do nothing but accept all perverts and freaks everywhere. The main objective is not to offend anyone with any incorrect word.
Jamal was offended by me calling him a perverted gay fairy black boy all strung out on crack.
The PC thing to say would be that Jamal is leading an acceptable alternative lifestyle as an african-american homosexual who has the disease of drug addiction.
Atheist is too harsh and besides that it sounds nice and snooty elitest and set apart from the norm to say “ethical humanist”.
Oh man, ya cant help but laugh.
Eric, The sad (and wry grin) truth is, you are likely Wright about Sen Obama’s attention span in church – he wasn’t at church to worship or to be touched from within, but instead, he was there to be seen from without. His narcissistic nature didn’t allow him situational awareness – because everything has always been all about him (i.e. as you mention, he wasn’t paying attention). Having said that, he has tempered his transmit button somewhat lately so his lackeys can process the received messages and adjust his transmissions according to what better fits the voting populace…
C’mon Eagle, get real. What you just said about Obama you could say about probably 90% of all politicians and public figures. He attended the most prominent black church in Chicago. Big deal. What kind of moron would really care about that?
JMJ
Jersey, You made my point. Many politicians go to church not for personal choice, salvation, or faithfulness to a higher power, but instead to be seen – ergo he went to the most prominent black church in Chicago!! And yes, 90% of all public figures adjust their positions as they “mature” through the campaigns, so I’ll give that part to you. Again, the gist of my message was to agree with Eric’s premise that Sen Obama spent his time in the pew not paying attention to the message but instead to who was watching and how he could impact potential voters.
But if they all do it, then who cares? I wish it were possible to have atheists and agnostics in high office, but in America religious people are bigotted against non-religious people. And this phony, phony, phony fuss over the Reverend Wright is nothing but an cheap excuse to bash Obama over nothing. Bombastic black preachers are as ubiquitous as drunk priests. Nothing new here. But oh you bet white people get all offended when they hear these sermons! Nevermind why these sermons came about in the first place – how dare a black preacher say anything bad about white people and America! Idiotic.
JMJ
“And this phony, phony, phony fuss over the Reverend Wright is nothing but an cheap excuse to bash Obama over nothing. Bombastic black preachers are as ubiquitous as drunk priests. Nothing new here. ”
“but in America religious people are bigotted against non-religious people.”
BS.
A good christian will always be willing to help anyone who wants to enter into Gods kingdom.
We are not bigoted towards them. We simply would discriminate if any atheist was to be in a position where spiritual matters had to be decided.
We pray for the atheist while he mocks and ridicules us
Earth to jersey.
Its not phony just because you say or think it is.
Its of real concern when you have a man running for office who has been for 20 years looking up to someone who says those things.
And just because its supposedly some common charcter trait amongst black preachers doesnt make it right.
Really, any mature individual know that bad behavioe does not warrant more bad behavior.
Also, his rersponse to what his pastor said was another example of why he is not fit to run our country.
And if Obama was just going to church for appearances sake I guess all this spirituality he says he has cant be taken for anything more all his other empty statements hes put out.
“how dare a black preacher say anything bad about white people and America! Idiotic.
I guess whether its true or not never really matters to liberals.
Freedom of speech , right ?
Man, it works both ways you know.
If a white preacher went off on black america saying they brought the aids virus into America the sh*t would hit the fan so hard the whole country would stink.
But we have to give Wright a pass ????
And to say that christians are biggoted towards non christians is a statement that generakizes a huge part of America and is simply untrue.
The only person you would hear that kind of talk from is some contemptuous lefty atheist/agnostic who thinks hes better than anyone