The Scottie Pippen and Scottie Bowman Exemptions

An oil slick has the potential to destroy parts of America. I may or may deal with that on Monday.

Whether I cover it or not, there is not a d@mn thing I can do to stop it. I live my life.

The weekend is about sports. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal fits in perfectly with an issue that is troubling in sports.

When Jindal was holding his press conference, I realized why he cannot be president.

He needs to grow up.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a knock on his age. It is about his name.

I have no problem with Jindal. It is his first name that has to go.

It is time for Bobby to become Bob or Robert.

Look, when you’re a kid, you can be named Bobby, Davey, Timmy, or Joey. Adults need to become Bob, Dave, Tim, or Joe.

Joe Montana won four Super Bowls. Joey Harrington may have won four games.

Players who disagree with me can file for a Scottie Pippen Exemption.

The Scottie Pippen exemption is simple. When you have 6 championship rings, you can call yourself whatever you want.

Having 6 rings also makes you handsome.

This is important because in college, a debate took place about who the ugliest player in the NBA was.

(This validates another point, that no topic is too stupid for men to discuss. Not since the lengthy discussion about whether or not C3PO was gay has so much time been spent on something that only the male gender cared about.)

The discussion yielded several names, with Sam Cassell and Jamal Mashburn being named. A couple guys passionately went with Tyrone Hill. Yet when all was said and done, Scottie Pippen was named the ugliest player in the NBA. When Jewish guys are discussing the schnozzola of another guy, things have gone stereotypically haywire.

Yet that conversation took place in 1990. A decade later, Pippen was downright gorgeous.

In hockey, Scottie Bowman won 9 championships as a head coach. The Detroit Red Wings outdid the Chicago Bulls, which says plenty.

Davey Johnson gets a Scottie exemption. He won a baseball championship as manager of the Mets.

No exemptions are given to guys with girls’ names. This means that Kerry Kittles and Kelly Tripucka do not get the exemption.

(I always thought it would be cool if Kerry Kittles got a cat food endorsement. NBA players never seem to endorse cat food. He could have been known as Kerry “Tender Vittles” Kittles. I can’t be the only guy thinking this. Well, maybe I can.)

Guys should have guy names. I know I am going to get hate mail from supporters of Dana Rohrabacher, but he is not getting the exemption. Neither is Dana Plato. For one thing, she is deceased. For another, she was female, and posed in Playboy to prove it. Also, her last name betrayed her as she was no Plato, Aristotle, or Socrates. Different Strokes, I guess.

Kobe Bryant has 4 championships, but I am not sure if female or male Kobes are the problem. Porn star Kobe Thai can have anything she wants whenever she wants. Kobe beef sliders taste good, and so does she. So Kobe Bryant is the odd man out. Kobe was also an Olympic cartoon character at a past Olympic Games.

Wally Pipp and Allie Sherman do not get exemptions.

Billy Martin gets an exemption because he got into bar fights. He was almost as manly as Billie Jean King.

Billy Joes do not get exemptions, whether they be Hobert or Tolliver.

Hubie Brown does not get an exemption. The Knicks were awful, although that has been the case forever for the most part. Besides, being Hubert would not be much better.

Herbie Hancock…debatable.

I would blame all of this on Phil Donahue, since the wussification of male America began with him. Yet despite the fact that Marlo Thomas kicks his @ss every night, even he calls himself Phil instead of Philly.

The Philadelphia Phillies entire organization can apply for an exemption, but losing the World Series last year does not help their cause.

Look, if you are Davey Jones in the Monkees, nobody cares. If you are going to run for president, or even more importantly, be a sports hero…be a guy.

Why ask why? Just drop the “y.”

Brett Favre refers to Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress, who is bald and catholic, as “Chilly.” Does Chilly Willy refer to him as Brettie? I suspect not.

Billy “White Shoes” Johnson gets a lifetime exemption for being the greatest dancer in the history of the NFL. He invented the modern day end zone celebration.

Look, if my mom wants to call me ericy, she can…just not in public, and certainly not in an official capacity.

(She once told me she liked the stock of Ericsson because the ticker symbol was ERICY. Thankfully she did not buy shares based on that. Besides, they eventually figured it out and the symbol was changed to ERIC. I am sure it helped the stock price…unless it didn’t.)

Barack Obama used to be Barry. He got it.

If Bobby Jindal wants to replace him, he better learn to love his inner Bob or Robert.

Scottie exemptions, be they Pippen or Bowman, will be few and far between.

Man up, guys.


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