Throughout Hanukkah, my goal is to honor the military tradition of this holiday by taking on the enemies of Jews and Israel. This third night of Hanukkah has me taking on the terrorist sleeper cell at the University of Crooked Lying Arabists (UCLA) located in their CNES.
The UCLA Center for Near Eastern Studies (CNES) recently held a lecture by UCLA History Professor James Gelvin.
The lecture was entitled “Enemies and Mistaken Identities: Political Islam in a Post-9/11 World.”
Translated, this means “those poor murderous Islamofascist fuzzballs sit around inbetween bombings singing the 1960s hit by the Animals, “I’m just a soul whose intentions are good…Oh Allah please don’t let me be misunderstood.”
The UCLA CNES Department has been renamed the 4H Club, which stands for Hamas, Hezbollah, Hearts, and Hugs.
About 35 people attended, and what differentiated this lecture from most other ones on this topic was that an event for students was actually attended by…shockingly enough…students. It did not end until 9pm, so the typical aging baby boomer revolutionaries were most likely at home sleeping.
As for the lecture itself, the basic message behind the thin veneer of jargon was that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter, and that everything is subjective.
“I am unhappy with the way movements like Al Qaeda have been portrayed. I want to put them in a social science context.”
“Some groups certainly are America’s enemies. Others are not but they get caught in crossfire. Others we do not like, but we should reach detente.”
It is tough to hold hands with people when they are trying to chop hands off and blow them up. He then turned the blame on America, who has never had a president commit genocide.
“The Armed Islamic Group (GIA) was approached by Osama Bin Laden to attack the West. The GIA told Bin Laden, ‘we are interested in just Algeria.’
The GIA became the Salafist Group for Preaching and Combat (GSPC). After 9/11, President George W. Bush began going after the GSBC. They then contacted Al Qaeda and began targeting Westerners.”
I was worried that the professor would fail to blame Republicans for the actions of foreign terrorists. Luckily he had his script with him.
“There is a problem of labeling. An April of 2008 Department of Homeland Security memo told agents not to characterize them as religious figures. Banned words ranged from Islamofascist to violent extremist.”
“The Dali Llama is a pacifist extremist”
The joke bombed, prompting Professor Gelvin to say “I usually do better with that line.”
He then went back to being an apologist. Some people make up facts. He makes up words in a manner that would make everybody from Dr. Seuss to Don King proud.
“We need to move from religion to terrorology, the science of terror.”
I spent two hours majoring in garbagology, the science of studying UCLA CNES professors in their artificial habitat.
“I commend the Department of Homeland Security for dropping the term ‘Jihadi’ with regards to Bin Laden since it blames all Muslims.”
No it does not. Jihadists are killers.
“Al Qaeda equates Jihad with armed struggle. Most Islamic scholars do not equate the two.”
This is another reason why nobody listens to scholars except their equally obtuse colleagues.
“Identifying Bin Laden with Jihad bolsters his religious credentials.”
Identifying anti-American, anti-Semitic professors bolsters their academic credentials at liberal arts colleges. So what? If this is preventable it would have been prevented.
“Important is the Department of Homeland Security also dropping the term ‘Salafi.’ Salafi means ‘Muslim scholars reaching truth.'”
“Al Qaeda are Salafis, but so are the Taliban. Modernist Salafis want to bring Islam in line with the modern world. Koran and Hadith matched to modern ideals. Democracy, women’s rights, and human rights are in the Koran and Hadith.”
Left out of the discussion were such modern and civilized actions such as stonings and honor killings.
So how does a left-wing professor reconcile such leftism with admiration for Islam? By declaring Islam to be progressive and everybody else backward.
“Reformation of Islam is what modern Westernists are so patronizingly demanding. There is an audacity of outsiders demanding Islamic reformation. Islam is a reformation.”
“God gave the exact reformation to Jews and Christians but they screwed it up.”
Osama Bin Laden is similar to the Protestant reformation.”
“Calling them terrorists and violent extremists, these terms are too vague to use.”
“There are plenty of terrorists in that case. There is Osama Bin Laden, the Unabomber, the Red Brigades of Italy, and at least three Prime Ministers of Israel.”
“Violence can be for various purposes. Osama Bin Laden kills people. So do shark attacks.”
Is he comparing Muslims to fish? This could be grounds for a Fatwa.
Gelvin then lamented the way most people insist on labeling terrorists as such while giving non-terrorist democracies a free pass
“It’s never us, always them.”
“Osama Bin Laden pointed out that any nation that would drop nuclear bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima nation has no right to call him a terrorist. Any nations supporting Jews enslaving Palestinians has no right to call him a terrorist.”
Does Jeff Foxworthy have the right to call Gelvin a redneck?
Either way, any professor who even bothers to cite Osama Bin Laden without the necessary condemnation afterward is an apologist and enabler.
“The Zionist Crusader Alliance is the main enemy of Islam.”
Radical Islam has murdered hundreds of thousands of fellow Muslims in places where Jews do not exist.
Gelvin then sought to distinguish bad guys such as Al Qaeda from warm fuzzy huggable entities such as Hamas and Hezbollah.
“Hamas is not a natural ally of Al Qaeda. Both might be called Jihadi, Salafi, Islamists, terrorists. Hamas has been condemned for reaching agreements with secularists, participating in the Palestinian parliament, and honoring old agreements with Israel.”
No, they have honored commitments against Israel. At least they are dedicated.
“With Hamas, the liberation of Palestine is the goal, not an entire Caliphate.”
They only want to eliminate Little Satan, so the Great Satan should see them as comparatively lovable.
“Reformists are those advocating incremental change. They provide social services and charity. This includes Hamas and Hezbollah.”
Gelvin was offering excremental nonsense, although perhaps giving him a platform is the educational equivalent of chairty.
“Islamonationalists seek to control instruments of the state, and engage in a war of national liberation. This also includes Hamas and Hezbollah.
Gelvin then offered evidence of why he most likely snorts more than Gummy Bears in his leisure time.
“The Zionist Crusader Alliance created United Nations, which created Israel, which was created to subjugate Islam.”
He then began singing about how the hip bone is connected to the leg bone.
“Islam a universal religion. Other religions are based on territorial nationalism such as Irish nationalists and Zionists.”
“Both reformists and Islamonationalists work within the nation-state system.”
Al Qaeda is closer to an Arabist network than to Hamas or Hezbollah. It is a deformed twin of Marxism.”
No, that would be the UCLA CNES Department. It is easy to get confused.
Gelvin then tried to explain Bin Laden’s rationale, which Gelvin did not condemn.
“The Zionist Crusader Alliance aggression against the global Islamic community and the right to self defense justifies Al Qaeda’s actions. We must defend against Russian atrocities in Afghanistan, the struggle for Kashmir, and Jewish aggression in Palestine and Lebanon.”
Perhaps the professor meant a struggle for Cashmere. When living in a cave, life is miserable without a warm furry coat. Given that Bin Laden’s minions have resulted in many bunny rabbits and other animals being collateral damage, it is safe to assume he would not mind wearing the blood of the Western critter enemy, be it Cashmere or Sable.
“Zionist Crusader Alliance aggression instilled nationalism in Muslims to divide and subjugate them, and installed the nation-state system for same reason.”
“Too much has been made of Al Qaeda’s desire to spread the Caliphate. The Caliphate reeks of exoticism, so the United States likes it.”
Ground Zero reeks of burnt bodies, making Al Qaeda more hated in New York City than the Red Sox.
“Hezbollah is reformist because it provides social services.”
“Twenty-eight groups are waging an intra-national struggles, some are thugs for hire, and some are just plain weird.”
The weirdest ones teach at UCLA.
“There is a political wing of Hezbollah. Barack Obama is willing to talk to reasonable members of the Taliban. Yet Obama has launched more drone attacks than entire Bush Administration. Groups should be compared by aims, not lumped together by tactics.”
“Why is Obama not willing to work with political groups and recognize them?”
Because unlike lifetime tenured professors, where quality and merit are often job zero, presidents do not have absolute power. They have to answer to voters.
“We have been responsible for more dictatorships than any outside power.”
“You cannot read an Al Qaeda document and believe it comes from Al Qaeda. Americans and Saudis have access to the web, take it as a grain of salt.”
Gelvin then channeled his inner Bill Ayers, blurring the line between academia and hobbies.
“I learned how to make a bomb on the internet. Some bombs are effective, other bombs you will blow your head off. I did this as a lark. This is my tip to the FBI.”
“In the modern period, the concept of politics was invented.”
I wonder if UCLA teaches Greco-Roman civilization classes.
“Some people have 19 reasons to to be scared.”
The students did not understand.
“I will give you a second to meditate on that.”
The students remained non-plussed as Gelvin gave up his comedy attempts.
“The hijackers.”
“Our obsession with Afghanistan is dragging on.”
Not really. As soon as we kill every Al Qaeda terrorist worldwide we will go back to watching sports and holding bake sales. Al Qaeda interferes with that from time to time.
“Al Qaeda should be killed, but the Soviets, we reached an agreement and did not blow each other up. We should handle each group on a case by case basis. We made mistakes with Hezbollah and Hamas. We erred in dragging the United Nations into the Quartet. Hamas has moved halfway, and gotten nothing in return. They said they will not accept Israel, but will abide by them. They will not have peace, but they will have a truce. The European Union, United States, and Russia are dishonest brokers. As soon as the Palestinian Authority was governed by Hamas, the Quartet embargoed them. This is pretty d@mn harsh, not thinking efficiently or wisely.”
Just because Hezbollah sings “Meet me halfway” while killing people does not mean Kenny Loggins would be spared. He married a Jewish woman. As for dishonest brokers, Yassir Arafat can blame Goldman Sachs all he wants, but they did not help him funnel money to his wife in France. He used a dishonest Hamas broker.
“The Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood should be given a chance. It pledged itself to moderation.”
“The rise of religious Islam in the 1970s is because secular governments failed. With Iran, the Mullahs are not the only group involved. Communists helped overthrow the Shah as well.”
An academic just blamed the Communists. It is one thing to criticize the Jews, but criticizing his fellow Trotskeyites could get him sent to bed without a Halal sanctioned supper.
“The secular-religious line invented by the Enlightenment movement did not like religion. We still do not have a vocabulary to talk about religious faith.”
Actually, the Old Testament is written using vocabulary words. Those words are just banned on secular campuses.
“Zach Lochman is a little to the left. I am influenced by him. He resonated with me.”
“I don’t think we have the tools to take this out of social science. Regarding beliefs, I don’t think we have the tools for that.”
By “we,” he means he and is his fellow intellectual invalids. Most people do have the tools.
“There is no them and us. It is all us. People all think in the same way. We think like Osama Bin Laden, he thinks like we do. There is no thinking outside that box.”
How dare he slander Mr. Bin Laden! Mr. Bin Laden would never advocate shutting down American universities, especially since they do his bidding.
“El Fadl is not a Salafist. He has a wonderful article about tolerance and Islam, social justice and humanism.”
“Why does the Koran text have so much authority? Many Muslims do not go to the text.”
“There was a wonderful article in Inspire magazine. It shows exactly how you do make a bomb in your mom’s kitchen.”
“The Global War On Terror was exactly what Osama Bin Laden wanted, and we gave it to him in spades.”
Of course, because most people who inherit 300 million dollars want to live on the run without cable television. He cannot even find somebody to Tivo “Desperate Mullah Housewives” or “Dancing with the Salafis” for him.
“We overestimated these guys. 9/11 was a horrible act, but we overstated them.”
I overestimated Gelvin. I thought he had half a coherent thought.
“Pancho Villa is hiding with Osama Bin Laden. A country does not wage war on an individual. We came to their level.”
“Every terrorist group is different. The IRA, the Zionists, they are different. Others like Hamas and Hezbollah want to join the system and issue their own postage stamps. They can succeed.”
So in summation, not only does Gelvin spend his spare time researching how to make bombs online, he wants to encourage us to allow Hamas and Hezbollah to enter the postage industry.
We know what gets mailed in those packages, as Islamofascists continue to get help from enablers in the academic community.
This is why the only thing that should be blown up in America is the tenure system.
eric
I have no idea what the Zionist Crusader Alliance is supposed to be. It sound like a purely political observation of some in the American Christian Right and some in the Zionist movement. To speak of the “Zionist Crusader Alliance” as anything more than just a fringe ideological bent is just plain ol’ crazy conspiracy theory nonsense.
As for our reaction to 9/11 – anyone who thinks OBL didn’t get everything he wanted out of that attack is a fool.
JMJ