The blood flowed in the streets of Los Angeles as stranded motorists turned on each other in a scene from Lord of the Flies. This Saturday was Carmageddon.
An interview between one intrepid reporter and one desperate citizen living in Los Angeles will be etched in America’s memory forever, or at least until Sunday.
Reporter: Hello America. I am your stereotypical self-important newsman with my stern jaw and crisp shirt and tie. I am here to over-dramatize something because weekends are boring for newsmen. This weekend brings Caramgeddon, the crisis of the 405 road closing in Los Angeles. Today I am interviewing a young man named Eric, whose life…his very existence…has been rocked by Carmageddon. The ominous music you hear will be repeated every time I say the word Carmageddon. There it is again. How are you Eric? Are you ok?
Eric: I’m fine sir. Good to be with you.
Reporter: I heard it took you almost three hours to get where you going yesterday.
Eric: Yes, but I was not on the 405. I was on different freeways. Trying to go anywhere in Los Angeles on a Friday afternoon is tough. My destination was 90 miles away, so the trip took me 45 minutes or so longer than usual.
Reporter: Miracle of miracles, you made it home in under 2 hours. Was that because of the efficiency of LA cit workers being ahead of schedule.
Eric: No sir, I came home at nighttime.
Reporter: Now you were interviewed last night and had blood on your hands. Has the pressure gotten to everybody?
Eric: It was ketchup sir. I stopped off just before my home to get a burger.
Reporter: So courageous that you took the risk to stop amongst all the madness. What about the traffic? How awful was it?
Eric: The lines were long. It took me almost 15 minutes to get my burger and fries.
Reporter: Horrifying: How do you feel knowing you may be trapped indoors all weekend?
Eric: Well I have a ton of stuff to do around the house, so I was planning on catching up.
Reporter: Have the people stayed in calm amidst the catastrophe?
Eric: Well sir, there were no tsunamis. I mean this is basically a road closing. People are used to road construction.
Reporter: You live near the 405 freeway. How did you get home?
Eric: I got off one exit early. It took me an extra 20 minutes to get home, although 17-18 minutes of that was getting my burger and fries.
Reporter: Your courage knows no bounds. Is it true that people fled the city in horror?
Eric: Actually they just took weekend getaways to San Diego and Las Vegas, and even San Francisco. They got caught in bad traffic but those who stayed in Los Angeles were barely affected.
Reporter: Has work been brought to a standstill? Is Los Angeles commerce officially dead?
Eric: It’s the weekend sir. Most people have weekends off.
Reporter: Are massive boycotts being organized? Are people protesting by staying off the roads and refusing to go to work?
Eric: Sir, it’s the weekend. They do not have to go to work. Also, people are staying off the roads because they are closed.
Reporter: Has violence broken out? Are people beating each other for scraps of bread?
Eric: A couple teenagers got into a shoving match at the burger joint because one tried to cut in front of the other. Although I think one was hitting on the other one’s girlfriend, so it may be because of that.
Reporter: Do you think this is a result of the tensions over the Carmageddon crisis?
Eric: I am not sure of that. Police officers are stationed outside this burger joint every night. It is located in a college town. The students walk there.
Reporter: Have people been hoarding food?
Eric: I did go to the 7-11 and got some pizza rolls and some soda, but I work from home.
Reporter: How did you handle the morning chaos today?
Eric: I got home late last night so I slept in this morning. It was quite relaxing.
Reporter: So your whole life has been affected since you were trapped away from your home last night.
Eric: Well, I had a business meeting that ran long. They did serve pizza though, and soda.
Reporter: Do you have any advice for the people suffering through the nightmare that is Carmageddon?
Eric: It seems to be a non-event.
Reporter: You poor brave man. How will you cope this weekend once your work is done? How will you avoid the madness of cabin fever?
Eric: I was going to go poolside and maybe take in a swim.
Reporter: You brave, courageous young man. America appreciates your grit and determination.
Eric: Umm, ok. Thank you I guess.
Reporter: This has been an inflated news report from a self-important inflated news reporter. Once Carmageddon dies down we will have the in-depth report of what Caylee Anthony thinks of the Natalee Holloway situation. Now back to endless coverage of the gridlock that has terrorized this once city of Angels who have had their automobile wings forever broken. From an empty freeway because the roads are closed for construction, goodnight.
eric