Osama bin Laden is still dead
On May 1st, 2011, some brave Navy Seals from an elite unit known as Team 6 killed the world’s most notorious Islamic Jihadist Polygamist. One year later, President Obama wants the world to know that he is a bigger, badder mo’ fo’ than (shut your mouth) Shaft.
The real story is not that bin Laden is still burning underground with 72 Helen Thomases.
Forget that brave soldiers risked their lives for their country.
Completely irrelevant are the 3,000 people who died on September 11th.
What really matters is that President Obama gets the credit.
Any stories that he was curled up in a fetal position sucking his thumb while Valerie Jarrett patted his forehead and told him it would be all right are completely false. Barack Obama was large and in charge like Chunky A.
Mitt Romney is a sissy, especially if one finally has the courage to take old remarks completely out of context. President Obama truly has changed America ideologically. He now has created a world where liberal Democrats are Rambo and conservative Republicans are Kumbaya-loving, peace-pipe smoking pansies.
The world is upside down. Barack Obama, he the leader of the anti-war left, is now the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
For those who don’t know, John Kerry served in Vietnam and Barack Obama is an all-American killing machine. He is Ron Artest combined with Lou Ferrigno’s Incredible Hulk to form the ultimate leftist he-man, Meta World War.
Forget victory laps. Barack Obama is so important that he should make everyone else run the laps for him while chanting his name. Maybe he truly is the one we have all been waiting for.
This is not about Afghanistan or Pakistan. This is about the glorious leader of Gasbagistan, who can bore opponents to death with every power of his rhetorical breath.
Some have accused Barack Obama of spiking the football. A better metaphor would be shattering the backboard and hanging on the rim after a monster tomahawk jam slam dunk. This is why President Obama is a better leader than Dominique Wilkins ever will be.
Maybe Mr. Obama took things too far by yelling “America, Wu-Tang, Represent!” while chest-pounding, but press conferences with foreign leaders are so dull. He could not resist telling the Prime Minister of Japan, “Don’t worry about the press, my fuzzy little friend. I got this one. The press worships me. Hey Fox News! I got bin Laden! Suck it bizzatch!”
He then began rapping, “My name is Obama, I killed Osama, hey Rush Limbaugh, I (redacted) Yo’ Momma!” Maureen Dowd and Norah O’Donnell then rushed to occupy his waiting arms and praise his lyrical prowess. Even the protesters forgot about Wall Street and rushed to try and Occupy his vibe.
After letting everyone know that “O-Dawg is in the hizzy” and that Mitt Romney has not had a single foreign policy success, Obama lit a cigar and put his feet up on the podium for all to see. Yes, he still smokes. This man is enjoying a stogie just like Will Smith did in Independence Day. When you save the world forever, lighting a stogie is allowed. Mr. Obama may even get Jiggy with it once people figure out what that means. The reference will be cool again since everything Barack Obama says and does is cool so long as he says and does it.
He is more athletic than RG3, funnier than Chris Rock, badder than Bad Bad Leroy Brown, and sexier than the woman on Modern Family who nobody fully comprehends.
In a unique irony, he is Superman and everyman. He is a noble among commoners, yet relates perfectly to the common man in an elegantly noble manner.
So yes, when he leads a chant of “ole, ole ole ole, I killed, bin Laden,” just go with it. After all, he did kill bin Laden.
Forget that he used the interrogation techniques he inherited from President George W. Bush. That is Bush’s fault. Had the techniques never existed, Mr. Obama would have invented them despite being against them.
So fire up the barbecues, light up the cigars, and raise the glasses to President Barack Obama, the greatest man who ever lived in any era ever.
After all, every single person in America believes this except for one. One guy resembling a Kentucky Derby thoroughbred sits alone at the bar lamenting that even the bartender prefers Obama to him. People are so busy celebrating and bathing in the aura of the “O” and his big ears that the man with the long face is left to mutter to himself.
“You know, I know he killed bin Laden, but I did serve in Vietnam.”
eric