Why I abandoned conservatism
Jonathan Krohn was a 13-year-old conservative sensation at CPAC. Now at age 17 he is a liberal. Before attacking Krohn’s Disease, It is obvious why he switched. Sadly, I can relate.
His abandoning conservatism is significantly less important than my decision to do the same. After four decades since my birth to Republican parents and over two decades of only voting Republican, an event in the last year has forced me to abandon everything I believe in.
It kills me to say it, but I am now a liberal Democrat.
I favor gay marriage. In fact, I am so pro-gay marriage that I favor it for straight people as well. Everybody should be gay and marry each other. I also favor gay marriage for animals, especially baby seals.
I favor cap and trade legislation to ensure that every single business is put out of business. If only people completely disappeared, the planet could be left alone.
I favor banning the word “illegal” when referring to illegal immigrants. They should be referred to as either “undocumented workers” or “people who got really lost and made the wrong left turn at Albuquerque.”
The rich need to pay their fair share. In fact, they need to pay everything. I favor a 100% tax on all rich people and complete redistribution of wealth to poor people. Then when the formerly poor become newly rich, we can tax them at 100% to help out the formerly rich and now poor people. Being middle class would be declared illegal so as not to confuse people.
I was going to favor abortion on demand, but demanding things can be seen as insensitive. Therefore I now favor abortion on very serious but polite request. To give society enough of a chance to truly evaluate people, abortion shall be legal up to the 200th trimester.
I will embrace every liberal policy regardless of the results.
Conservatism is dead to me. Liberalism is the only answer.
My reasons for doing this come down to a deeply held principle that affects every aspect of me from head to toe, from top to bottom.
A really hot liberal brunette let me (redacted) her (redacted) in a jacuzzi.
Between her body jiggles and the spa bubbles, all oxygen was removed from my cranial activity.
Every time I tried to explain why conservatism made sense, she resorted to blackmail, explaining that anything out of my mouth deviating from liberal orthodoxy would resort in her refusing to continue (redacted) my (redacted) until I (redacted).
I am now against coercive interrogation methods as well, including the ones she used on me in the jacuzzi. Withholding (redacted) does qualify a torture, and the Geneva Convention should be amended to include this cruel method of information extraction.
While I became aware that this would lead to a column with more (redacted) than Fast and Furious memos, this line of thought is now banned to me as well.
Barack Obama is the greatest President of any leader in world history, and Eric Holder is the smartest, handsomest, most honest Attorney General who ever walked this globe.
My conversion to liberalism was painful, and her demands kept coming.
So I am now a liberal.
Actually, as this column was being written, she sent me a text. She now only wants to be friends, and (redacted) her (redacted) was an experience that will not be repeated.
As a man of principle, there is only one thing to do.
I admit that I have been right my entire life before meeting this woman. Liberalism is evil, and conservatism is the only true, sane path.
I am now a conservative again.
My mind is finally made up, unless of course she and her (redacted) change hers and theirs.
eric