One reason I do not read the Jayson Blair Times is because they consistently get the news wrong.
I have to admit that even a blinking VCR gets it right twice a day, making it astonishing that the Jayson Blair Times cannot even do that.
Then I began to ponder how awful my writing would be if I followed the JBT model. It is in that spirit that I present recent political news.
Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter is a murderer. It is one thing to betray people, even members of your own political family. It is quite another to kill somebody in your own home.
In 2003, in a drugged out haze, he murdered Lana Clarkson. It took six years to convict Senator Specter, since that is how long a senate term lasts.
Don’t get me wrong. He was fabulous when he sang the words “Be my little baby” in the Eddie Money song “Take me home tonight.” Yet that is no excuse for killing the nightclub hostess. There was also no explanation as to why Arlen Specter was in Los Angeles.
Things have also been rough lately for Maine Senator Susan Collins. Since her “Dynasty” stint as villainess Alexis Colby ended over a decade ago, Senator Collins has exerienced highs and lows in the National Football League. Although she lost as the starting quarterback for the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, her career has been resurrected with the Tennessee Titans. She can pass legislation, but cannot seem to pass well against the Ravens.
Roland Burris had enough controversy on the field winning a Super Bowl for the Giants, but for a guy schooled in Chicago politics, he was pretty dumb shooting himself in the leg in that nightclub. Then again, perhaps Rahm Emanuel shot him and bribed Governor Blagoyevich to cover it up.
Kent Conrad of North Dakota has been missing in action for years. Some people say it is because he is from North Dakota. Others think that the weight gain did him in. He was good on “Jake and the Fatman,” but time caught up with him.
One of the worst television shows in history was the “Days and Nights of Chris Dodd.” Then again, even the Lifetime Network is too masculine for this Senator. Both he and Molly Dodd developed breasts due to years of hard living.
Mel Martinez of Florida has not been the same since “Santa Barbara” went off the air. Then again, Florida is a neverending soap opera. I would talk about the romance between Cruz and Eden, but I never watched that schlock.
John McCain of Arizona is an American hero. He saved this country by making sure that the bad guys in “Die Harder” did not control the airport. He had help from Senator Fred Thompson of Tennessee.
Robert Menedez of New Jersey is more evil than Arlen Specter. It is not just that he is a liberal in a screwed up state. No matter how high taxes in New Jersey are, that is not an excuse to snap. Unlike Arlen Specter, who killed some obscure actress, Senator Menedez and his brother killed their parents. That is cold.
Ben Nelson of Nebraska and his brother Bill Nelson of Florida are even more talented than former Governors and current brothers George W. and Jeb Bush. Yet Ben and Bill made a terrible mistake when they cut their hair. Despite success on the “After the Rain” album with the hit song “I can’t live without your love and affection,” they never reached the level of success that Ozzie and Harriet did.
In West Virginia, the Robert Byrd Flu has been connected to the divine swine flu, and has even infected Georgia Governor and chicken magnate Sonny Perdue.
Mark Pryor of Arkansas hasn’t been the same since he burned himself while free-basing cocaine. Even by Arkansas standards, that seems like bad behavior.
Since drugs and music seem to go hand in hand like alcohol and firearms, it is no surprise that Jack Reed of Rhode Island took a “Walk on the Wild Side” and ended upon the “Dirty Boulevard.”
Edward Kaufman of Delaware languished in obscurity, partially because he is from Delaware. Yet he has now reached mythic status. While his wrestling with women is unseemly, most wrestling in Congress is unseemly. He has been lionized by pop group REM, which would be an accomplishment, except that the group is REM.
Sherrod Brown of Ohio has not scored a touchdown in many years, but his work as a member of the “Dirty Dozen” is justification alone to have him in the Hall of Fame.
These are the people running our government. So what is more sad? The fact that this is the best I could come up with? I don’t get paid for it.
It is worse that the Jayson Blair Times, which claims elite status, repeatedly gets stories wrong.
We get the government and the media we deserve.
Yet our government is elected by the people. They can be fired.
As for the Jayson Blair Times, they are an over the hill celebrity way past their prime. Like Arlen Specter, they can insist that the bodies littered in their house of media malpractice were accidental suicides. Like Arlen Specter, their explanation rings hollow.
eric
“One reason I do not read the Jayson Blair Times is because they consistently get the news wrong.”
Do you have any evidence of that? I mean, that’s a heck of an accusation. And how would you even know such a thing if you don’t read it in the first place? This is just silly, irrational hatred, guided by the direction of the rightwing media without any thought of your own, obviously, as conferred by your own words.
That said, the rest of the column is indeed very witty. A fun read.
JMJ