The Tygrrrr Express is offering my 2010 State of the Blog Address to the nation. Big Ears does not give his until January, but I wanted to get an early start. Besides, I doubt mine will be less consequential or require a teleprompter.
Auto companies are already releasing their 2010 models, giving more time to return them when the promised quality fails to materialize.
This is the State of the Blog Address, which means that it deals with the Tygrrrr Express, not me personally.
I cannot talk about women I am sleeping with or want to sleep with in case other women or their mothers are reading this.
Roger Goodell will be handling his State of the League address so football can wait this one time.
California does a State of the State, which seems redundant. We were broke. Now we are twice as broke.
Anyway, here is my 2010 State of the Blog address.
My fellow Americans…distinguished guests…(blah blah blah list of people nobody cares about)…
We have all seen the State of the Tygrrrr Express…and it…is…strong!
(Thunderous applause, standing ovation)
Being a blogger is great because I live in the greatest nation on Earth.
(Thunderous applause, standing ovation)
When I began this blog on March 11th, 2007, we were living in the past. By tomorrow, this blog will have been in existence for two separate decades.
(Just stay standing and applauding after every third sentence so I do not have to keep emphasizing this. My blog is less than 3 years old, but through sleight of hand I implied it has been around for 20 years, longer than the internet itself. That is how congress does budgeting.)
I have 3 Fatwas against me, but with hard work we can all come together and get me another one.
I have been a radio guest of big people.
I have hob-nobbed at functions with big people.
I know big people.
This is a long way from my humble beginnings as a little fella only 5 ft 5.
I did not let being vertically challenged stop me from typing on a keyboard. I did not let the Randy Newman song about short people affect my ability to let my fingers hit keyboard buttons.
Even the littlest among us can dream big.
(Thunderous politically correct applause at meaningless statements. Standing ovation by people who want to seem like they care.)
In calendar year 2009 I published my first book. 2010 brings more literary prowess.
In calendar year 2009 I went on a nationwide speaking tour that will be extended well into 2010.
Today I will speak about the fact that I speak about stuff. Now I have spoken about it and you have heard it.
(Wild applause)
I did this because I live in the greatest nation on Earth where people can speak about what they speak about and then let you know they spoke about it in America.
(Ridiculously wild applause that goes on long enough for me to sneak away and drink a beverage)
The Tygrrrr Express went from a 2007 condo in Los Angeles to 2009 speaking engagements and book signings in Arizona, Maryland, North Carolina, Virginia, DC, and Texas, to rouse the faithful.
(People in those states cheer)
In 2010 we will be going to Idaho, Wyoming, Florida, New York to rouse more faithful.
(Now those states cheer)
I will be going to other places everywhere.
(Now everybody else everywhere can cheer).
In late 2010 I am sure that as we prepare for 2011, the State of the Tygrrrr Express will be even stronger.
(cheers)
This will be because we live on the greatest nation on Earth, America.
(cheers)
My fellow Americans, the challenges are many, but the Tygrrrr Express will only get stronger because it is made in the greatest nation on Earth, America.
(I don’t care if you just sat down, the person next to you is standing and applauding so you have to as well.)
God Bless You, God bless the Tygrrrr Express, and God Bless America.
(Thunderous endless applause as patriotic music plays in the background.)
(I make sure my microphone is disconnected before making comments about drinking soda off the belly of Republican Jewish brunettes. The rebuttal to my State of the Blog Address will also be given by me. I will report on that as well if anything newsworthy comes out of it.)
This concludes the coverage of the 2010 Tygrrrr Express State of the Blog Address.
(I will now pipe in crowd noise and clapping sounds in case any of you forgot to do so on your own the entire time.)
eric
Stands while applauding! Rushes the stage while applauding! Slaps eric on the back while applauding! Leaves a “Kiss me I’m Jewish” sign on eric’s back while applauding! Hugs eric and picks his pocket while applauding! Leaves stage while applauding! Stops applauding when he finds eric’s wallet contains
only a pressed rose and 3 ‘Dear eric’ letters from ex-girlfriends. – Shrugs and goes to find TMZ reporter hoping they might pay to use the letters…
Happy New Years!
Keep on blogging!
By 2010 you’ll be a full-fledged, card-carrying, super-Liberal like me! LOL!
JMJ
And just think.
You managed all that without a teleprompter.
Happy New Year gentlemen.
Wishing you all health, prosperity, peace, love, and an extra inch.
Did you hear the one about the guy who told his wife hes was gonna go find himself some new pu$$y ?
She told him that if he were an inch longer he’d find some.
I gotta hand it to you Eric. Amongst the millions you’ve managed to stand out well.
Congratulations buddy.
As one lady told me many years ago, it’s not the size that matters, it’s the
production.
But we can all get carried away sometimes with our own self-image.
Jay Leno is NOT doing well in the 10 spot..his numbers are averaging
5m per show. I think a crime drama on CBS does 22m.
Could it be that his jokes are too off color and too offensive to
Democrats? While the other guy on CBS, Letterman is his name,
customarily tells anti-Palin and anti-Bush jokes.
A joke by Leno is used for illustration: the difference between
Obama and Woods-Obama gives up after the 3rd hole. Hee, hee, hee.
Another joke: What food did Obama look for in Soeul Korea..(this is an easy one), soul. Hee, hee, hee.
And on and on an on..I won’t repeat the Letterman jokes.
My suggestion to Eric however, is to get on as many blog lists
as possible (Conservative, Republican, and even a few Israeli).
I mean, lots of people are not exposed to his humor, and obvious
Republican support and disdain for so-called tax and spend liberals.
Think about it.
At any rate, with rabbi Boteach thinking about running for office
perhaps in New Jersey, things are looking better for the new year.
Hopefully he will run as a Republican.
But we will know if there is truly a messiah, when Avi defeats
Waxman. Now THAT would shake up California and national politics.
Happy New Year everyone. God Bless America.
Toma