What the heck is that beeping sound?

(knocks the phone off the hook, keeps banging the snooze alarm)

A voice tells me it’s my pager. My pager is black, so finding it in the dark is the needle haystack equivalent. A lucky smack knocks it against the wall, where it may or may not have shattered. The beeping continues.

Who the heck is texting me at this ungodly hour of…1pm?

Great, happy new year wishes. Thanks. Whoever you are, I hate you.

I remember once being awakened by somebody who insisted it was 1PM. I explained to them that they were on the East Coast, and that 1PM EST is 10AM in Los Angeles. The person explained that they knew how to tell time, and that it was 4PM EST, hence 1PM where I was.

Sure, I could get up and write my column. It’s a new year, and starting the year off with a flurry of brilliance might be helpful. Forget it. I wrote the column in 2007 and keep recycling it.

The 2010 elections? The first candidate to call me gets blistered on my blog…tomorrow.

(If you ask me about 2012 I will beat the hell out of you…when I wake back up.)

The Bowl games? I have Tivo. Besides, does anybody care who wins the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl, the Lack of Insight.com Bowl, the Fishbowl, the RU486 Morning After Bowl, or any other game that I may or may not have made up?

Speaking of the morning after, does anybody remember the David Byrne Talking Heads song from the movie “Less than Zero? (which the temperature feels like right now, even in LA)” The song is called “Once in a lifetime.”

“This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. What have I done? How did I get here?”

I then realize that the beeping sounds are the voices in my head telling me I am too old, even at 37, to stay out this late. I do not even drink alcohol, yet I remain exhausted.

I should get out of bed, but at 1pm, I have to be at work in 20 hours. I had better rest up.

Besides, if I get up now, and somehow stagger to the shower, and get dressed, I can make it out of my condo to go…nowhere, the stores are closed.

My birthday is in just over a week, I should pace myself.

Heck, I could work on my website. All that takes is staggering to my couch. Oh, no. My IT guy finished it already months ago. Touching anything would only screw it up.

I could go on Jdate and search for women. Not a bad idea, except that I am too exhausted to check their adams apples. I do not want a boyfriend, and am not sure that my eyes can tell the difference right now.

Perhaps I can shop on Ebay. No, bad idea. Buying stuff when not at full capacity is problematic. Do I really need another mountain goat? I think not. D@mn creature gets his horns in my hide. Not a comfy way to wake up. Calm down boy, I’ll get you some straw to graze on when I wake up.

I could work on my record album, although I keep telling the world that just because my hair is long, that does not mean I am in a band. The only instrument I like is the triangle, because that tells me lunch is ready. I could work on my next book, except it is in the hands of the editors. In May it had better be an instant classic, or at least the subject of some book burnings by Arabs and feminists.

I could get up and eat something. Ahh, yes, lunch. My microwave is fast, and a 5 minute tv dinner takes only 4 minutes minutes. I could read the paper, but it is cold outside my building where the stand is, and I can’t find any coins. Reading the paper online is tiring, and my printer is not working. I really could use the lifestyle section. It makes a great placemat for when I am eating.

If I stay in bed for only a couple more hours until 3PM, that would allow me to stay up all night so I am totally exhausted for work tomorrow. The boss might not like that plan.

Running errands…not gonna happen.

Every morning, I say a 4 word prayer to start my day. I use my elbows to try and leverage them against my bed to prop me up. I used to place my alarm clock on the other side of the room, but ripping the cord out of the wall solved that problem.

As for the Jewish brunettes, many of them steal not only steals my heart, but the covers as well. If anyone else opens their trap today I will be more caustic than usual because I should be sleeping right now.

Oh wait, she already left in October. Here is the note. “I tried to wake you, but that was a losing battle. By the way, you have nothing but soda in your fridge. Talk to you soon.”

She is a liar. I have potato chips in my fridge as well. Why they are there, I am not sure, but it saves having to remember which cabinet they are in. One stop shopping, I tell you, is the way to go.

Besides, I combed my hair for her when we went to some function I forget. I am not doing it this morning. I am a “retrosexual.”


I should at least have the decency to say some morning prayers.

“Hey God…those people I pray for every night…yeah those people, the same ones…look after them again.”

I briefly go back to sleep, despite every attempt to wake up. The home phone is turned off, the cell is off as well, and the pager is still shattered, in addition to being disconnected over two years ago.

There may have been a car crash outside my building followed by 911 calls and sirens, but telling everybody to “keep it down,” solved that problem. A brief nightmare of me being late for work was averted when I realized they would find me if needed.

Four tvs in the living room, and none in the bedroom. What was I thinking? Oh yeah, a tv in the bedroom would promote laziness. Besides, trying to figure out which remote to use would cause me to break them all as if they were my pager.

Ok, 3PM it is. Come on, elbows, do your stuff. Rise, young lad, rise! Awaken thy exhausted tired eyes!

Why is God shouting? Oh wait, that is my overdramatization of God.

I had better set the alarm now so I do not miss work tomorrow. I wonder where I threw it. Threw it? Oh, screw it.

Ok, time for my 4 word prayer. It has gotten me this incredibly terribly far. Time to contemplate getting out of bed.


Happy 2010 all. Except for the person that woke me up earlier. Whoever you are, I still can’t stand you.

Now for my thoughts on this new decade. In my opinion it is so obvious that…zzzzz


3 Responses to “We…can…do…this…2010…zzzzz”

  1. Laree says:

    Much Needed: Paula Deen PSA needed for New Year. Proper Preparation For “Pigs In A Blanket” GRIN.

    Recipe For Disaster:
    Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab aka Panty Bomber .
    So You Want To Set The World On Fire Or How I Spent My Christmas Vacation In United States Federal Prison.


  2. Micky 2 says:

    Well, sorry, my first thought this morning was 2012. That stemed from the realization that the first hours of my new year are filled with everyone in my house having the same bug and how I’m so glad for the health insurance we have right now as opposed to what might be forced on us before 2012 and how that years election will determine if theres any reversal to this idiot in chiefs policies.
    The second thought was what some resolutions for Barry might sound like.

    “I will try to actually speak from the hip, uhh, mind, uhmm, heart, aah… just once in place of the prompter and while I’m at it… come thru on at least one campaign promise”

    Now me, Micky, could really care less about how many times you break liberals hearts but for the sake of your basic integrity dude I’d love to see this just once so I can have the sense of security in thinking you’d have the decency and testicular fortitude to admit failure when the crap looks about as bad as it can ever get.
    At least give us all the peace of mind, no matter how far back in our minds it may be, that if worse came to worse you’d actually do what “HAD” to be done regardless of your idiotic ideals.
    I’ll understand all your failed attempts at all this radical poo as just an experiment that stemmed from ignorance and narccissism if you’ll just toss us that one ever so vital concession explaining to us that you’re not a complete idiot

  3. Dav Lev says:

    I am reading a small book, “Why be Jewish”, by rabbi
    David Wolpe. Now I know fully why I am Jewish, caus my mother was
    (forget my father, he only provide one-half the code, maybe 1b.

    When I got to the section on prayer, I was particularly interested,
    as I recall the ultra-liberal atheist, M. Murray ( O Hair or something
    like that), saying not one prayer has EVER been heard by anyones God.

    Now, having been employed where there was a very diverse
    group of workers (all races, creeds, u name it), and having listened
    to people’s encouragement (of their own faiths) of religion and
    especially prayer ( I like the one who said God guides the hands
    of dentists), this caught my attention.

    If there is no God, then why all the fuss about prayer.

    Maybe, I thought, it’s a way of people hoping for a better life
    in a dismal world? Maybe its soothing and comforting to know
    that perhaps someone out there is listening, and can make a

    Anyway, rabbi Wolpe says the following, prayer is a way
    to get closer to ones god, to get to know (him or her) better, w/o
    really having a human ability’s capability of “knowing god”.

    Well, that convinced me, that ever four words are better than none, caus
    it allows one to get closer to the divine, whatever concep one accepts for himself?

    But then again, I am reminded of a person who was a Johovah Witness,
    and who for years never celebrated Christmas with the rest of us at
    work. She was hated for that. ( I didn’t much care.)

    When her relative was ill, I advised her to go to the hopital to seem him
    through his final days. That was my advice to her, consdiering I have had
    similar experiences.

    She went and thanked me for it. However, her relative died.

    She thought she (and he) might have been better off had she prayer
    for him much sooner (than his admittance to the hospital).

    Well, I tried.

    We Jews and other free thinkers (Judaism is, in my opinion,
    a very flexible faith-but don’t tell that to the ultra-Orthodox),
    have free will. We (Conservative) believe God created us in his
    image, but gave us free will, made definite in the Garden of Eden.

    We Jews also think it’s a sin to forget.

    Some people have told me that the WW2 victims and their
    families should forgive and forget. They say, “Why hang onto
    this, it’s time to move on”.

    When 90% of your family and friends have been butchered, it’s
    hard to forget.

    I mean hundreds of years after blacks were brought in chains to
    this hemisphere, many blacks still like to rember their roots.

    Go to the Ukraine or other parts of Europe and you will find
    memorials all over the place to what the Germans did in 6 years to
    millions of people and planned for millions more (“New World Order”)

    Hey guys speaking of NWO, hows bout those Islamic fascists?
    Any read today’s LA Times? 75 people watching a football game
    were murdered by a car loaded with 500lbs of explosives.
    (The guy on the Delta Flight had 6 ounces).

    The reason, they were in an area which has been critical of
    the Taliban and Pakistan’s fight against them.

    In the M.E., Abbas (the Palestinian Authority leader), now has
    an ally in Mubarak (Egypt’s dictator). They say that Israel has pre-conditions to talks with the Pales (which Israel has promoted w/o

    They are demanding that Israel stop any construction in East Jerusalem
    and the West Bank prior to talks..these are Israel’s pre-conditions.

    BTW, after 1967, when Israel occupied the area ( attacked by the Arab world and the Palestinian brigades), it annexed East Jerusalem, formerly a Jewish area until 1948 when the Jews were kicked out. Since 1967, both Jews and Arabs have built on West Bank land. The Jews vacated the Gaza
    Strip a few years hoping for a movement towards peace.

    Instead they got 12000 rockets fired into Israel,, including the
    latest, a Grad. Iranian Fajr rockets which can reach Tel Aviv
    are being smugged now from Egypt into the Strip, in tunnels
    built professionally and paid for by the destitute Palestinians.
    Bankrupt? Destitute?

    Sooooo, while the Arab build and destroy, Israel only wants
    to complete 700 units previously planned and some nursery
    schools..to much of the world’s disdain.

    Are you listening Obama? Are you in tune with your county’s problems?

    What are you doing to resolve them?

    Iran’s leaders are now saying that if murdered for freedom,
    its worth the effort, while we have 3 nuclear groups in the Persian
    Gulf, just waiting for orders to take out Ahmad just sitting there.

    So, while Pakistan’s army of over 1m sit mainly facing India,
    75 innocent people at a football game are slaughtered.

    What are you waiting for Obama, a NYJets/Giant game similar

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