Help me Rabbi! I am desiring (Mary Katharine) Ham

Ok all, I have to stop watching Fox News. It is numbing what little remains of my brain. Not since Shannon Doherty spoke at the 1992 republican convention have I faced such a crisis of faith.

I now know what Stevie Nicks means when she sings “Rooms on Fire.” A blazing hot woman appeared on my tv screen. Stunning beauty is not a rare commodity, but this woman is also a republican. To quote Sting “My logic has drowned…be still my beating heart.”

I have a craving for ham. Now before you all call my Rabbi and give him another reason to wish that Judaism allowed for excommunication rights, this is not an issue of Black Forest Ham. It is something much more tempting…Mary Katharine Ham.

Now for those of you wondering if this is going to be a borderline x-rated tribute disguised as harmless lustiness, no it is not. First of all, Ms. Ham is one of the top people at Townhall, and I would rather not be banned from the site. Secondly, when she reports back to Bill O’Reilly to report the internet websites that are destroying Western civilization, I would prefer she not give my parents another reason to change their last name and address again.

So I am asking my readers to help me get a date with Mary Katharine Ham. She is the Belle of the Townhall Ball, and I…oh heck, I am so googly eyed I cannot finish the analogy. I hate when that happens. My train of thought is boarding at the station.

Anyway, time for a plan. I do not want my readers contacting her, flooding her with emails, and agitating her. However, I want everybody to contact my blog and vote on whether or not she should go out with me. I know this is a useless nonbinding resolution, but with congressional democrats gaining a point in the polls to 15%, it seems like a good idea, or at least less awful than my other bad ideas.

Now I know some of you are seeing this as a ploy to increase traffic on my blog, but women like powerful men. As a kid, my dad could beat up your dad. Then I had the better place to live, the biggest blankety blank, and now have a larger tv set than most guys. If I can show her that my blog gets more hits than my rivals, she may just swoon (Does an eyeball roll count as a swoon? I hope so).

I will deliver the results to her on July 5th, after which point my MTV generation attention span will be focused elsewhere.

Perhaps I could sacrifice a liberal in her honor. No wait…human sacrifices do not get the girl. This is difficult!

I could write something brilliant. That takes too long. Where the heck is the cut and paste function on my keyboard? This is so complex.

Ok, will everybody please just let her know through my website that I want her to swoon in my presence? No, she is not a soccer beauty. That is Mia Hamm. Sheesh people, work with me here.

You as my readers have a role in this. Somebody please find out if she is single. Then find out if she is heterosexual. This is not an either or proposition (oh lord, I just used the word proposition…what is wrong with me, I am so disrespectful sometimes). She has to be both. Also, please dear readers, find out if she is a member of the Hebrew faith. If she is not, she can always convert. Ok, good, that problem is solved.

I have so many political issues to write about, and this is delaying the process. I cannot have the whole political process held up just because I desire Mary Katharine Ham.

Dear Ms. Ham, just know that I am alcohol, cigarette, and drug free, and I have even been known to use a knife and fork, as well as dress nicely, when forced to do so. I have had all my shots, and am not afraid to be not afraid of whatever people are not supposed to be not afraid of.

My phone number is (redacted). Please do not give it to college frat boys. I hate getting calls from oversexed freshmen asking if I am the “Saturday Night Special.” Perhaps they are looking for a gun control debate, but I cannot chance it.

My email address is (redacted). Furthermore, every time I hear your (redacted) voice, listen to your brilliantly expressed (redacted), see your (redacted) body and envision your (redacted), I want to (redacted) your (redacted) beautiful (redacted) all over your (redacted) until we are both (incredibly long redaction covering everything).

There. I am glad I got that off of my (redacted) (Wait a sec…why the heck would I have to redact the word “chest?” Then again, a chest is like a breast, so it should remain redacted).

I am a republican for crying out loud. According to fictional character Bree Van De Kamp on “Desperate Housewives,” republicans are not supposed to even think about (redacted), much less act on it.

So the downside is I could get shot down in front of the entire blogosphere. Thank heavens the internet did not exist when I was in Junior High School. The good news is my parents have given up.

Ok everybody, get to work. I have until my self imposed deadline of July 5th to get this woman to notice me, and not in a way that would make her call the bad taste authorities.

Write to me early, often and repeatedly. The fate of my (redacted) with Mary Katherine Ham hangs in the balance. She is Jewish until irrefutable evidence that I try to deliberately ignore (wow, now I know how liberals exist) proves otherwise.

Do not worry Rabbi. If I get shot down, I will never lust after ham again.


24 Responses to “Help me Rabbi! I am desiring (Mary Katharine) Ham”

  1. micky2 says:

    You gonna be O.K. ?

  2. Lauren says:

    Lol. That was funny. And for the record, I’d be extremely attracted to a guy if he offered up a liberal! :) One less left-winger out there is always good in my book!

    What the heck, give him a chance Miss Ham!

  3. Ivo Vegter says:

    Sometimes you read and go, “Now why can’t I write like that? I’d make millions. And get to date Mary Katherine Ham.”

  4. Skul says:

    Sorry old boy. Eating pork is out of the question.
    Breathe deep, take a cold shower.

  5. deaconblue says:

    Maybe you should call your Rabbi. I seem to recall several stories and parables that would apply here. Beware of Jezebels and Delilas!

  6. Robbie says:

    This post is useless without pictures.

  7. Robbie says:

    Oh, and Mia Hamm lives about a half mile from us — I occasionally run into her or Nomar at the Alberstons grocery store near our house.

  8. Gayle says:

    “Perhaps I could sacrifice a liberal in her honor. No wait…human sacrifices do not get the girl.” LOL! Ya think?! :)

    This is hysterical! You really have a flare for comedy. You also have good taste. I’m not good at remembering names and although I watch Fox News quite a bit I couldn’t put a face to the name so I googled her. Thank goodness she looks like an all American woman and not an overpainted cartoon!

    So, Mia… it has been proven that Eric has good taste and a sense of humor. That’s good for a start, don’t you agree? Why not give it a shot. :)

  9. Doug Purdie says:

    Sorry. I don’t think you should go out with her because I think I lover her too. If I can’t have her, nobody can and I can’t because I am already happily married. . I’ve seen her thumbnail picture on and it quite flatters her, but until I saw her and heard her on O’Reilly last night, I had no idea how beautiful she is. And it is not just her stunning appearance. I don’t how conservative or Republican she is, but she is my kind of libertarian!

    Robbie, Use the link below for her thumbnail pic:

  10. BrianR says:

    Bro, you need to check out Amanda Carpenter on TH.

    One of the great things about being conservative is we have, on average, the much better babes, no doubt!

    Who would you rather spend time with, Ham or Susan Ostrich?

    Streisand? Is there any better argument for conservatism? On our side: Bo Derek.

    No contest.

  11. Onemorecup says:

    Yeah…she’s a little hottie, that’s for sure! However, better tell the Rabbi she’s probably Catholic; heck, with a name like Mary Katherine Ham, I hear the hallowed halls of Norte Dame University whispering…”Sister Mary Katherine, Sister Mary Katherine…”

    Ever see the film, “My Date with Drew”? That was my immediate thought as I read your post today. I think everyone in the world has seen the little, Indy, low budg, pursuit of fantasy film and if anyone hasn’t…do! I loved it!

    Anyway, I’m in with the rest of the gang…”Go for it!” You’ll never know. Just a word of caution…anyone and everyone I know who has been in front of the camera and is seen internationally usually changes–I am mindful of stalking laws and the like.

    I’d start by ringing her at work or I read a piece where Michelle Malkin really helped her out…Michelle Malkin is a bud, and I won’t say anything bad about her…but as you know, there is strenght in numbers.

    Request done. I am honored to place THE TYGRRRR on my blogroll! Cheers!!

  12. micky2 says:

    Any luck yet?

  13. Hello Eric,

    I am Rodrigo Fonseca, from

    I have read your comment and would certainly add a link to your blog on our page.

    We would appreciate very much if you could place our blog as one of your links.

    Thank you,


  14. mdvp says:

    I saw that o’Reilly Factor, unfortunately, I never looked at the screen, so I have no idea what she looks like.

  15. LMAO! May your heart achieve its desire for some pork……………..


  16. Carole says:

    Geez, Robbie! Use your imagination! The man says she’s hot! Think…hot….in a Lauren Graham kinda way.

    Eric….honey….you sacrifice a certain liberal NY senator running for Pres for me…and I will divorce my husband, convert, and have surgery to LOOK like MCH for you!

  17. AmeriDan says:

    An open letter to MKH:

    Dear Mary Katharine,

    I have known BLACKTYGRRRR for two whole weeks. In blog years, that is … like, a long time. So I feel secure in advancing his agenda of meeting you. Please go out with him at your earliest convenience.

    BTW, do you have a sister? Seriously… we could double date. A cousin would do even. That’s some gene pool you Ham’s have there.

    Also; please note that my religion of birth, and choice, does not prohibit me form eating ham. If you know what I mean.

    Best regards,


  18. Honey,
    Please get out a little more. Your devotion to Ms. Ham is touching and your honesty refreshing, but perhaps a little much prior to being introduced (much less prior to the first date). A girl could go one of two ways after reading such a graphic paean to her charms: (a) be scared and get a restraining order; or (b) think it’s hilarious and ballsy and want to meet the admirer.
    Really entertaining post, though!
    Lewd & Lascivious

  19. micky2 says:

    O-O-O-O Quick ! Michelle Malkin is hosting Oreilly !

  20. arclightzero says:

    As attractive as Mary Katherine is, I have to say that Amanda Carpenter is the one who does it for me. I would certainly make some liberal sacrifices to gain her attention…

    Maybe we can join forces and use some strength in numbers tactics… You never know, sometimes it’s easier to go in with a wingman and try to pick up a pair of conservative hotties instead of running solo. After all, “solo” can easily be misconstrued as “stalker.”

  21. […] July 5th, 2007 at 1:21 pm (Uncategorized) On June 27th, I posted the column “Help me Rabbi! I am desiring (Mary Katharine) Ham” […]

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