The Jewish community is dying. 6000 years of tradition are slowly being reduced to rubble. Somebody has got to step up and be a reluctant hero in the traditions of Abraham, Moses, and Jewish CPAs everywhere helping us battle the antisemitic tax collector. If not me, then who? If not now, then when? Allow me to show up, a white knight in shining armor (ok, an outlaw in a Raiders jacket).
Jews are not bringing more Jews into the world fast enough. The reasons why many Palestinians can raise a couple suicide bombers is because they still have 10 children left. Jews need live bodies, and we need them fast. I can no longer sit on the sidelines and watch us fail to grow. I need to do something.
Therefore, I am prepared to impregnate the next Jewish girl I meet from an upper middle class family (Hey, raising kids is expensive). This must be done in July or August, because I will not have time once football season starts in September. Otherwise, this master plan will have to be delayed until May, to avoid the child being born during the NFL playoffs.
My credentials are simple. I am Jewish, I have a good job, and I have a pulse. I cook my own dinner (ok, I order it in), I do my own laundry (don’t like girls touching me unmentionables), and I am willing to switch from tighty whiteys to boxers to ensure that my healthy fellas can swim with the best of them.
I come from a good family (who right now is hanging their heads in shame), and I am prepared to try as many times as necessary to get it right. I come equipped with Marvin Gaye and Barry White records, and am willing to guarantee that the child will be healthy if your daughter and the doctors handle their end of things.
Now I know there will be some concern about what will happen if I impregnate two women simultaneously. I have thought about this. I never had a brother, so this guarantees the children will not grow up lonely, lacking a sibling.
Some of you may be concerned that this solution is similar to that proposed by Russian lunatic Vladimir Zhirinovsky. He wanted to repopulate Russia in his image. The difference is that he is an old man, and said he may need his lieutenants to help him. I am prepared to do all the heavy lifting myself.
For those of you fathers worried I will leave your daughter pregnant and unwed, fear not. My parents are members of the National Rifle Association, and they are fine with a shotgun wedding if necessary.
I tried waiting for the Jewish community to get its act together, and I can wait no longer. I am trying to save our lives here. Europe is already on its way to becoming a caliphate because they are not reproducing. Do we really want to emulate Europe with regards to anything at all?
Sir, if your daughter is politically liberal, then you should be overjoyed. You and your wife were hippy protesters at Woodstock, and you encouraged the free love society today. I am trying to honor your upbringing.
Sir, if your daughter is politically conservative, it was your repressive family values upbringing that forced her to rebel, so you caused this problem.
If Christians are willing to convert, I would be happy to accept their applications. We need all the crossovers we can get. Barely legal Catholic school girls dealing with repression issues are encouraged to apply.
I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs, but if your daughter wants to take morphine during the delivery I will consult Nancy Reagan to see what guidelines the “Just say no” campaign applies to this situation. If the Gipper’s wife is ok with it, I am as well.
My lawyer will be accepting blood and urine samples from Jewish women of childbearing years. The consent forms must be filled out in triplicate, with me retaining the white copy and my lawyer retaining the yellow and pink copies (You get your own copies).
My home has two bathrooms, so we never have to know what goes on behind closed doors. You can clean yours regularly if you want.
It is not easy being a Jewish hero, but I am up to the challenge. For the good of my community, I am prepared to bring life into this world. For the sake of all that is decent in society, I hope the child has my last name and your daughter’s everything else.
Sir, I cannot wait to give you the good news that I impregnated your daughter. If you are pleased with the results and have other daughters, I can see if my friends are available. I can only marry one of them, otherwise it is bigamy. Actually, it would be big of me.
Do not worry about the stigma sir. My late grandfather (rest his soul) was an Orthodox Rabbi. He told me that if the child is born 7 1/2 months after the wedding, nobody would notice. 6 weeks early is perfectly respectable. If the child is born 5 months after the wedding, he suggested we just call “Ripley’s Believe it or Not,” and immediately declare it a miracle baby. To be on the safe side, 6 weeks from impregnation to wedding works best.
Oh, and if she has a fabulous backside and an equally fabulous front side (which you should not be staring at, unless you are a pedophile trying to give your daughter an electra complex…let me judge her sides myself), I promise to love them like they were my very own appendages.
There is no need to thank me sir. I am delighted to do it. The Torah wants us to be fruitful and multiply. The Torah also mentions water on several occasions. So tell your daughter that the jacuzzi water in my condo is perfect, and biblical law commands this.
This one time offer is open to all Jewish brunettes of childbearing age between 4 ft 10 and 5 ft 7, and Shannon Doherty.
Ok, I need a midday nap. Heroism requires strength, so I am off to conserve mine.
eric
OK, How about a recip?
VW
I just posted a new blog essay, a consideration of “The Nature of Freedom”.
Okay kiddo. I put you on my blog.
I am trying to put links that are more in line with my overall theme on my front page, so I couldn’t put you there…
You are definitely passionate about politics and religion, and not in that horrible – kill anything that moves way. (At least not that I can tell, but I didn’t read all of your blog entries either. Hummm.) Well, at any rate I find that refreshing.
Unfortunately your theme doesn’t fit on my front page. But your writing style is so uniqueI had to put you somewhere. So I created a page called “Zoo of Blogs” where people can come and visit my collection of interesting people. What can I say? It’s the artist in me. I am a painter. So why not own a zoo? Somehow it all makes sense.
Come back and look. See you around and keep in touch.
Lacey
Great writeup, Eric! Several points to be added, though, if I may:
I can confirm for you that Europe as we have known her will soon be gone forever. There were places in Vienna, Austria that, on any given Sunday, were more like downtown Istanbul on a Friday. Mark Steyn and others have this phenomenon pegged pretty well, I think. Oddly enough, though, Venice, which I visited on Spring Break, seemed to have the usual smattering of Europeans, Canadians, Americans, and Orientals (more Chinese these days, versus Korean or Japanese), and that was surprising enough. Centuries of Turkischer campaigning and not even a Kebap stand on Piazza de San Marco? The only thing that may save Europe from itself will be, strangely enough, Eastern Europe and the Balkans, i.e. some of which spent quite a few centuries under Moslem rule back in the day. They are also aware of what the US has meant to the overarching tide of World History, whereas their more “educated” cousins further West seem to be blind to the same.
Second point: Total affirm to the need for Yiddish procreation NOW! That being said, I think we can expect a demographic shift towards the Orthodox/Traditional in the next little while. Why? I give you three couples, Evan & Linda (Reform), Simon & Jeffrey (VERY Reform), and Moishe & Chava (Orthodox). Evan & Linda love their planet, their dogs, and their two kids, Sue and Nathan. However, they only go to Synagogue the dreaded Three Days, Linda cooks a mean porkchop, and the kids are enrolled in everything except Religious School. Either or both Sue and Nathan more likely will marry outside their faith, or may even convert. Simon & Jeffrey will obviously never have kids from natural childbirth, and are probably more concerned with getting their “right” to marry than whether or not Israel will survive another year. On the other hand, Moishe & Chava will probably hold to Piru V’rivu (i.e. be fruitful and multiply) have anywhere from 5 to 10 children (Levi-Yitzchak, Menachem-Mendel, Vered, Avraham, Miriam, etc.) who will be schooled in their faith and will generally stick with it, and even if they don’t, most of their siblings will. Bottom-line, who stands a better chance of being here in some form 50, 60 years down the line to determine what Judaism will mean or be? Evan & Linda, Simon & Jeffrey, or Moishe & Chava?
Lastly, Meine Chaver, get thee to JDate, JPeopleMeet, etc. if you can’t find her before you; it’d be a shame not to pass on some of that writin’ gene you clearly possess. Shadchans can be a good thing, or haven’t you seen “Crossing Delancey”?
Hi,
While I’m not Jewish, I am circumcised, and my step sister’s first husband was Jewish, and we still like him better than her. Thus, if you need scab labor on this project, I’ll try to convince my wife that it’s community service for a DUI arrest I didn’t tell her about :)
the Grit
Funnay!
Amazing post!! Wish I was Jewish!
I LOVE your proposition to re-invigorate the ranks of the Jewish population ; however since I am of the Catholic faith, I’ll stand by on the proverbial sidelines to cheer you on. We have this thing about a rthym method or some such deterrent ( other than outright guilt, or financial shortcomings) to temper or moderate our numbers. Oh! I do believe though that your Barry White records are much more responsible for baby booms than Viagra or Cialis or even G.I.’s returning home from long tours of duty. (or maybe Barry White was crooning in the background as the G.I.’s and their mates were , well ,mating ). It seems that Mr. white can be on any medium , such as c/d’s, l/p’s,( that’s Long Play records for those of you under 45!) radio, internet streaming , hell even an 8 -track in a classic car will do! (lots of room in those old rides; or in my case, the old venerable customized van ;aka “sin bins”) . The bumper stickers proclaiming ” Don’t laugh, your daughter may be in here! had a LOT of truth to them.! Oh! and one more thing!; in your post, you mention showing up in a Raiders jacket; I take it from that comment that you too are a Raiders fan; ( a looooooong sufferring one) as am I !!!!. I ‘m sure that there are some tough places to declare one’s loyalty to the team from Oakland, such as Kansas City, San Diego, Denver even, but how about here in Tampa for GOD sakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, actually the people here are too damn nice to me on that little fact ,( must be the climate , or the pity over the final score, or the fact that they were just so ecstatic to finally win the big one) Oh well, enough about me, I must be keeping you from your ” duties”. bye for now .