Rosie, Scooter, Dubya and Monique…Before some people ask “How is he going to tie them together? This I would like to see.” The answer is, maybe I will not. I remember in college reading the sports column “Notes on a Scoreboard,” by the late Alan Malamud. Like a Seinfeld episode, by the time Malamud was done, all the random comments somehow ended up tied up in a nice little bow. There are so many things going on in the news lately, that rather than give each issue a thoughtful column, I figured a slightly less than half-@ssed stab at each issue may add up to slightly less than a complete quality column.
The first issue concerns Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie O’Donnell is the descendant of a man born in Belfast, Northern Ireland. Rosie frequently mentioned her heritage when she was a VJ on VH 1, which for you young people, is what happens when MTV decides you are no longer cool. Now there is no evidence that Rosie O’Donnell was ever active in causes involving the Irish Republican Army, their political wing Sinn Fein, or the Northern Ireland Protestants opposing them. Her politics is strictly American leftism.
There is also no evidence that she has ever taken a position on the Israeli versus Palestinian conflict, until now. She just recently had her child dressed up as a homicide bomber. I thought she was against guns. No matter. The dots are now connected. She has Northern Ireland in her blood, she dressed up her kid as a homicide bomber, and this week, bombs went off in London, England, and Glasgow, Scotland. Somebody needs to get Scotland Yard on the telephone immediately. She should be jailed, tried, and convicted. How dare she try to blow up Scotland!
Now some may consider this evidence to be flimsy. So what? Evidence, schmevidence. This brings us to Scooter Libby. In a world where Bill Clinton and Sandy Berger run free, Scooter almost went to prison. First of all, the fact that his nickname was a character on the Muppet Show is an old and tired joke. Secondly, the guy got Nifonged. For those of you who do not know, being Nifonged means being accused of crimes for being caucasian, wealthy, and not politically correct. It is how William “90,000 in the freezer” Jefferson avoids receiving a jail sentence (as of now), but Scooter Libby does not.
We might as well just take every republican and throw them in jail for existing. Thankfully, President Bush commuted his sentence. While I generally support Dubya, my one continuing objection to him is his overwhelming graciousness with political enemies that are not fit to lick his boots.
Stop being so polite Mr. President. Hold a press conference, and drop a couple F-bombs like Vice President Cheney did. Here is what I would say.
“I commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence. I did so because I can. For those who criticize this decision, I am the President and you’re not. Deal with it. My predecessor pardoned people for sport and for contributions to his stained library. I did it because it was the right thing to do. This may anger the Jayson Blair Times, but then again, water is wet. Get over it.”
The pardoning of Scooter Libby is also a brilliant political move. The Clintons will not dare make it a campaign issue (Let them try mentioning Rudy Giuliani, John McCain or Fred Thompson’s issues with the ladies). It is not possible to get everyone to like you, but it is possible to make everyone hate you. Bush’s critics will always hate him, but lately his base has been demoralized. This will help, and will be long forgotten about come 2008. No one will care about Scooter Libby. What they will care about is Iraq, and the War on Terror.
Before I elaborate on that, the politically irrelevant fact of the week is that it appears that Hillary Clinton is putting on some weight. This does not bother me. I have put on weight. Maybe my vision is bad, but it seems she is getting thick in the backside. I believe Dave Chapelle calls that a “badonkadonk.” I am not saying Hillary is anywhere near approaching Monique from “Showtime at the Apollo (who I seem to have an unhealthy fascination with),” but Hillary is getting some chunk in the trunk.
This could be an issue because Americans have a certain image of a President. We do not want them fat or bald (what does this mean for Rudy and Fred?) Also, we do not want them to be a smoker, which seems to be the only weakness for the otherwise platinum image of Barack Obama.
By the way, for those of you who do not know, Barack Obama is partially black. He is also handsome, and looks good in a swimsuit. Heck, sign me up!
The delicious irony of Obama vs Hillary is that Hillary runs well among blacks because of Bill Clinton, while Obama runs well among guilty white liberals who want to vote for someone black so they can feel good about themselves. They are the “good” kind of whites, not the bad kind who become republicans. So why not support Condoleeza Rice or Colin Powell? Because they are not “authentically” black, meaning they are not liberal.
Folks, Barack Obama is barely blacker than I am, and I am pasty white. The only person less black than Obama is Tiger Woods. I could care less if Obama is purple, turquoise or orange (actually I dislike the color orange for some reason), but voting for a man because of the color of his skin is…well…racist. I have nothing against Obama. His speech at the 2004 convention was one of the best speeches I have ever heard. However, his supporters have put him on a pedestal, based on what he will do, not what he has already done. He will never live up to the ideal his supporters have created, which is unfair to him.
So with Rosie O’Donnell trying to blow up airports, the President keeping Scooter out of the Pokey, and Pokey’s friend Gumby having nothing to do with this column, we need to get back to what is really important in life, that being the War on Terror.
On more than one occasion I have said that Iran and Syria need to be turned into 50,000 hole golf courses. The Damascus Open starring Tiger (Woods, not me), Fuzzy (Zoeller, not Thurston), Hootie (Johnson, not Blowfish) and the rest of the hee haw crowd that plays that boring game. Then after the golf course is built, we need to blow it up again. Why? Because I hate golf.
Mr. Malamud is rolling over in his grave at this attempt. Ok, no more disjointed columns. From now on only one world event is allowed to happen at a time.
Oh, and Golf was invented in Scotland. There we go. A nice little bow.
eric
You talk too much and sound like a fool.
Get over it.
AHAHAHAHAHA! Dude, I love this entry!
Somehow, the Rosie O’Donnell theory makes more sense the more I think about it.
Eric,
Be careful using the term ‘pardon.’ The felony will remain on his record. And he will still have to pay the 250K fine. A commute yes. A full pardon, would’ve wiped the slate clean.
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Wow! Not once in the entire post did Eric say Paris Hilton.
Works for me.
His sentence was commuted (as Craig points out above) meaning he is still in the appeals process. This means he can clear his name and not have to rely on a pardon to do it.
It also means that there is a chance (between slim and none) that Val and Joe might have to testify again or someone may look at the fact that Val lied to Congress (supposedly a bad thing, see Gonzalez et al.) and Joe lied to everyone; which could mean some bad things for them, we could hope.
If Libby’s appeal process runs out without an overturn, W will pardon him when leaving office. And yes, because he can is a good enough defense.
Just heard the news that Hillary is out there calling the commutation “cronyism”
It should be interesting to see how she answers up to Marc Rich and the other 300 something her husband pardoned.
Am I missing something or did one of them finally inhale ?