“Have Laptop, Will Pose. With Laptop. Awkwardly.
I agree, The Blogger-With-Laptop Photos Are Super Lame.
Really, doesn’t anyone own a desktop anymore??
Obviously I would NEVER pose in such a cheesy … oh, crap.
Actually, I hate the above photo, not just because it’s a totally obnoxious, ginormous cliche but because the shocking truth is, I don’t actually look like that when I write. For one, I use both hands. Also, I never lay on my stomach. Finally, I’m usually naked. Okay, okay – wearing granny panties. Sorry, it’s true. Ask The (Ex) Boyfriend.
Anyway, my web guy refuses to return emails or phone calls, so I can’t get the damn photo removed until I convince some nice techy to help me. HELP!!!!”
The above beauty, brains, and self deprecating nature belong to Julia Allison.
I have never met Julia Allison. She is an enigmatic pig in a mysterious blanket. Actually, she is gorgeous, but I was thinking about pigs in blankets before writing this column. Hey, it’s football season, I get distracted easily.
Anyway, back to one thing that can distract me from football and mini-hot dogs, that being the lovely Julia Allison. She is the loveliest Julia on Earth with the sexiest voice now that Julia Child (rest her soul) is no longer with us. Ok, enough thinking about food. She might be the loveliest Alison as well (If this is the best I can come up with, no wonder this interview did not occur).
I contacted her several months before I became a blogger since I saw her on tv, thought she was hot, and remembered that I like hot girls. After I became a blogger, my thoughts turned from potential romance (one directional mind you) into doing an interview with her. She was friendly, gracious, sarcastic (a major smart @ss), and very busy.
Also, given that my blog is political, which is not her area of expertise, and her career is the entertainment industry, of which I know zippity-nada, there was a disconnect.
At some point during our email exchanges, I realized that they were more entertaining than my actual interview questions, which were more routine.
For those who want to know more about Julia Allison, go to
She is bright and funny. Given that she seems to blog about every aspect of her life, I can only say that she is almost as shameless a self promoter as I am, although with much better hair. Yes, she has a lot to say, but I find her entertaining, which is good given that she is in the entertainment industry. Also, she has something in common with Puff Daddy, or whatever that fellow calls himself lately. They both do many things, are often on tv, have many talents, and I have no idea what they actually do.
She has a dating column. She is dating somebody, but I have no evidence the column led to the relationship. She also works at Star Magazine. I am in an office all day, and people are not exactly sure what I do, so perhaps she is just so successful that trying to explain it would not do it justice. Or perhaps, she clearly explained it on her blog, and “el dorko” aka yours truly, was too busy reading it while watching tv to figure out the obvious.
Also, some of the comments are in larger type. This is not in any way for emphasis. I just have no idea how to change the bloody fonts.
Anyway, below are my interactions with the funny, cool, girl known as Julia.
“Julia,
I watched your appearance on Hannity and Colmes.
After watching your commentary, all I can say is (redacted g-rated pleasant comment). My compliments.”
I redacted the comments for reasons that are nobody else’s business. That is why they are redacted to begin with. She replied.
“Eric – that was incredibly sweet. Thank you.”
I should have let it go at that, but then I remembered a few days later that she was hot. So I figured I would ask her out.
“Julia,
You’re welcome. I travel a lot, so when not traveling I am a homebody. Tonight when watching H & C I thought ‘what the heck…’
At the risk of having the grace and subtlety of a battering ram, I would like to get to know you better, and take you out to dinner if that works for you.”
For those who started the rumor that she and I are the people that the tv show “How I met your mother” is based on, please stop it. It is not true. Then again, to quote Jack Nicholson, “I can’t handle the truth!” The truth is below.
“Hi Eric – thank you so much for the sweet email. I’m actually living with someone, so I’m going to have to decline your very generous invitation. I hope all is well with you! julia”
“El dorko” responded to her.
“Julialah,
As much as I would like to be delusional and think by ‘living with someone’ you mean a roommate or perhaps your great Aunt Edna, I suspect you have a boyfriend. To quote the Killerz, ‘somebody told me, you had a boyfriend, who looked like a girlfriend, that I had in February of last year…it’s not confidential…I’ve got potential (no idea why I like that song).’
Anyway, I cannot imagine him having a career since if I was him, I would not want to leave the apartment, except to rush to 7-11 for snacks. I will say hello from time to time (3-4 times a year) just because I think you are hilarious…your blog cracked me up (in a good way).”
One of Julia’s worst qualities is her annoying ability to be concise and to the point. Anything she can elaborate in a sentence, I can condense into three paragraphs. She is very sharpwitted.
“3-4 times a year, eh? Are you putting me into your blackberry reminders?”
For the record, I do not own a blackberry, and am totally confused by all these networks the young people use from My tube to your face to space place book to Space Ghost Coast to Coast to the Great Space Coaster. I have no idea what I just said.
I contacted her a few months later.
“Julia,
No blackberry for me…timing was random. Happy 4th! I started blogging 3 months ago, and it has really taken off. It is more political than entertainment related. If you are ever open to doing an interview for my blog by email, that would be nice.
eric”
She was receptive.
“I wouldn’t mind doing an interview! Send me the questions whenever you get a chance.
Have a wonderful 4th!”
A couple weeks went by after I sent questions asking her about politics, entertainment, and other subjects. I tend to ask detailed questions. I also told her that a picture of her riding a horse reminded me of a Charlie Sheen movie “Hot Shots,” when he tells the female love interest, “When I saw you grab the reigns, hold on tight, and ride that animal for all it was worth…I never wanted to be a horse so much in life.” She replied.
“EG! So so so sorry. Your interview questions have been pushed into the deep hole that is my inbox, but I’m flying out to SF tonight and will answer them on the plane. How’s THAT for service!
Glad you enjoyed the horse ;)”
A few days later the questions were still not done. I contacted her again.
“Julialah,
The airlines are so slow lately. I feel terrible that you are still stranded at the airport.
eric :)”
“Ha! TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS!!!
Thanks for reminding me. :)”
A few more days went by, so I decided a different approach, as the host of a fictional talk show with her as the guest.
“My guest today is Julia Allison, looking spectacular at age 65. I remember when we first started corresponding 4 decades ago. Julia, Tell the audience how we know each other…it’s so funny.
‘Well eric, you were a blogger back in 2007, and you sent me these 20 questions. Things got hectic, but in 2045 I found the email and immediately contacted you. Your schedule was filled to the brim with emails about Viagra, mortgage refinancing, and Christian debt relief. You should check your email more often. It took you two years to find my email reply, but the picture of me wearing granny panties had you hotter than Greg Gutfield at a Bea Arthur keg party. You invited me on your show again, and the rest is history.’
Julia, I am prepared to name you my 3rd best friend in the 5th grade if you complete this task already.”
Her response…what can I say? The girl is funny. I suspect in real life she gets away with everything with a few eyelash bats. I was tempted to bat my eyelashes and have her obey my every command, but she had no idea what I looked like, and standing in front of the mirror practicing my eyelash bats seemed kind of metrosexual, which is so 2003.
She replied.
“HA! That’s what you get for sending me TWENTY HARD QUESTIONS!”
I then came to the conclusion that has riveted everybody since the first word.
“Personally I think the emails back and forth between us are hilarious enough to be an article in itself, but I prefer sticking to the formulaic 20 questions format.”
She then gave me the answer that I remember hearing from girls in Junior High School when I asked them why they objected to me asking them to wear a steak necklace on our dates. I do not know Julia’s position on this romantic suggestion.
“Hi Eric, I just don’t have time to answer these questions, I’m so sorry.”
I honestly was not bothered by this. She is a busy woman, and her intentions were good. I wish she had answered the questions, but as I said, the back and forth tete a tete gave me more insight into her personality than her view on whether or not we should bomb other nations in ascending order with Algeria or descending order with Zimbabwe. Foreign policy is complex.
A few days ago, as I stayed awake due to gastronomical goblins (my midnight soda sugar high had not worn off), I broached her with publishing our exchanges. Also, I noticed that she was seeking feedback from people for her dating column.
“Julia,
I was going through some old emails, because as lame as this sounds, when I need ideas for weekend columns, they give me ideas. Anyway, Here is a bizarre g-rated request. Although scheduling did not work out in terms of me officially interviewing you, some of our email exchanges were pretty d@ng funny. I was thinking of publishing them as a non-interview interaction. Lastly, I may or may not subscribe to your dating feedback thingie. All I ask is if I give feedback that is completely idiotic but well intentioned, redact my name and spare my parents any further grief.
Thanxalotsa,
eric :)”
She gave the go ahead
“Ha, go ahead.”
Ta da! I went ahead.
As I said, I am not sure exactly what she does, but whatever it is, she does it well.
I would mention that she is Jewish, but then my parents would ask questions I care not to answer. So in all fairness, Julia Allison is not the only one who chooses not to answer questions from tough sources.
She does have a reputation to keep after all. It is for this reason I refuse to place my picture online. The paparazzi will drive me crazy, and ask me questions that would be better answered just reading my blog.
Oh, wait, that would be Julia. Read the blog. She is a riot.
If this were a live interview, I would lean over just as the band is segueing to commercial and pretend to say provocative things the audience would never hear. When the transcript was mailed to fans (does anyone buy those show transcripts?), it would contain the word best used to describe Julia.
The word is…(redacted). :)
Stay you my dear.
eric
Eric, will you please hurry up and get married and be done with it? All us married guys are getting PO’d! ;)
JMJ
Julia Allison said her dad voted for Bush twice.
Here we go again :-)
Say, not all blogger/laptop pics are lame.
Ha! My wife was watching me log on and she goes “Whos that ? Wheres my charge card ?”
also, Julia Allison has a facebook page.
Eric,
You know I speak my mind in a heartbeat, sometimes I should wait for a couple more beats. Well I waited (a whole day) and its been eating me up.
You know I’m a big fan and I would defend you to the death, but I think you lost me on this one. I think you missed.
It was a slow weekend so I took a trip to Julias blog and was really disappointed.
Alotta fluff, along with commentary from code pink zealots, Bush haters, and high strung liberal miserable gay/meterosexual types.
I left comments on three subjects on three threads, I was very nice and they still havnt been put up or approved and its been more than day while other comments dated the 1st are up. They seem to have some snooty little club going on where they only want to hear the most empty critsizm they can find on any subject.
I know Julias perty an all that , but Karen Black is still sexier today ( I think shes Jewish too)
Anyway, I’m sorry, but hey ! Its just me.
have you seen Julia Allison’s boyfriend? total nerd.
heh heh, I think Julia Allison just broke up with her boyfriend.
very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce