Fear of the Follically Challenged

There was a shooting in Illinois. People will make pious pronouncements, and then the story will fade.

The Wisconsin primary is in four days. Wake me up in 3 days in 23 hours.

Football season is over, and the Daytona 500 has nothing to do with football.

The writers’ strike ended. This is sad, but not news.

President’s Day could be an uplifting column about the Founding Fathers.

I guess what I am saying is that my column, which usually contributes nothing to decent society, will offer even less today.

No, I will not be doing recaps of episodes of the “Celebrity Apprentice,” but it is time to go back to the intellect that springs from my couch.

Yes, the guys and I were sitting around discussing the issues, and we have already exhausted the topics of C3PO and Fraggle Rock. Yet while Valentine’s Day would be a great day to debate whether or not lapdancing is cheating, that can wait until next year.

We are in the thick of a Presidential race, and I am deeply concerned that discrimination and bigotry will guide people. Oh sure, they claim they are openminded, saying all the right things when pollsters call. Yet when nobody is looking, will they truly have the courage to stop the discrimination against the follically challenged Americans?

It is time for a bald President.

Rudy Giuliani turned around New York City. He was amazing on 9/11. Yet Americans turned away from him. They looked deeper at him and concluded, sadly but accurately, “He’s bald.”

Fred Thompson was warm and cuddly, but all people talked about was frying an egg on top of that gleaming cueball. Oh yeah, and his wife was hot as well.

Jim Gilmore ran for President, although most people outside his family do not remember this. He was from Virginia. His platform? I forget. I just took  one look at him and said, “He’s bald.”

This discrimination has to stop.

The republican party’s best chance for winning the election on pure handsomeness went down the drain when Mitt Romney dropped out.

Unlike the big tent of the republican party, the democrats are as exclusionary as it gets. Barack Obama? Sure, he has funny ears, but so did Ross Perot. His crop on top is fine.

Hillary Clinton? No evidence exists that her hair is a weave. She is also married to Bill Clinton. He may not do anything with dignity or grace, but in terms of aging, he is a swan.

John Edwards? I will never be as pretty as that man, and I am pretty d@ng pretty.

The democrats are elitist Hollywood snobs. Unless you are straight out of central casting, you are banned from the stage.

Republicans even allowed a man with a full beard and top hat to lead them. His birthday is this month, although he shares it now with a fellow who wore a white wig. The bottom line is that republicans are the physical egalitarians.

Is Actor Roscoe Lee Browne a republican? If so, he can be Vice President. He is black, bald, and charismatic. He might also be deceased, so this suggestion is pending his currently actually existing.

Telle Savalas can be Attorney General, if Fred Thompson is unavailable.

The fear of the follically challenged must stop. They are people, they are among us, and they are demanding their place at the table.

This is just another reason to support John McCain.

I see the tide turning. At least 70-80% of the republican electorate supported follically challenged candidates. This is a mandate.

I am just trying to prevent riots in the street. When fat, bald, white men in their 50s start storming the American equivalent of whatever a Bastille is, watch out.

No longer should men have to go underground and remain in the closet. David Letterman makes 30 million dollars per year, and society has him wearing a toupee. Despite encouragement from Dr. Phil, Letterman will not join him and ditch the dishrag.

John Kerry claimed his band of brothers, but what is fighting with people in a war when they are jealous of your perfect mane?

John McCain is an American hero. He was tortured at the Hanoi Hilton for 5 1/2 years. They broke his ribs and fractured his arms and legs. They also shaved his head. Perhaps this is why he is against torture. Nobody should have their head shaved. To compound the pain, his captors grew thick beards.

Whether it be Al Queda or the Taliban, inbetween bouts of terrorism, these men are growing excess hair. How dare they mock male pattern baldness! That is unamerican, and these savages must be stopped.

John McCain gave his hair for his country. His follicles are probably still in that Vietnamese prison.

I am lucky enough as of this column to have a full head of spectacular hair. I am not Mitt Romney or John Edwards, but I am handsomer than the average bear.

Yet some of the people that have provided me with some of the best things in my life were follically challenged. I owe them my support.

Blind people have eye doctors. Deaf people can be given hearing aids. Fat people can diet or have liposuction.

There is no cure for the follically challenged.

Somebody must defend these people. Otherwise, if we lose our hair, nobody will be left to speak up for us.

Jim Gilmore, Fred Thompson and Rudy Giuliani had accomplishments. The American people did not care. The democrats were busy deciding between three perfectly coiffed individuals that had perfect hair and nothing else.

So I say turn up the radios, let “The Cowsills,” sing, “Flow it there, show it there, long, beautiful, my hair,” and pay homage to those who lack what we still hold dear.

John McCain is tested. He will not be afraid of terrorists, even ones that have excess hair.

So before we go to the polls in November, I shall leave you with the chant that caused my team to lose “Colorwar” at Summer Camp back in 1980. We were ahead by 2 1/2 points, and the 5 point penalty costs us the championship. The unit head did not find it funny. Instead of penalizing us for our chant, he should have worn it like a badge of honor.

Bald is beautiful.

Let the chrome domes roam. Vote for John McCain.

eric

21 Responses to “Fear of the Follically Challenged”

  1. Jersey McJones says:

    I think McCain is against torture because A) He himself proved it doesn’t work and B) it makes Americans look like slobbolas.

    JMJ

  2. micky2 says:

    Worked on KSM.
    I wouldnt like torture if iy were performed on me.
    But ! if I remember correctly McCain did crack.

    http://archive.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2005/11/29/100012.shtml
    “when McCain was held captive in a North Vietnamese prison camp – some of the same techniques were used on him. And – as McCain has publicly admitted at least twice – the torture worked!”
    “The punishment finally worked, McCain said. “Eventually, I gave them my ship’s name and squadron number, and confirmed that my target had been the power plant.”

    Dont know where you get your facts from Jersey but these are from his own book ” Faith of my fathers” where he admitts torture worked on him.
    They used his own wounds against him and threatened to halt his medical treatment.
    So, I dont see how you can say he proved torture doesnt work.

  3. jeanruss says:

    John Edwards received almost no money from Hollywood, which shows just how corporate Hollywood is. McCain will say anything to get elected. Despite saying torture doesn’t work he just voted to allow waterboarding. Republicans are immoral.

  4. micky2 says:

    Jean.
    Waterboarding I believe is torture . But its not invasive or painful or even harmful to the body. Its scary.
    Who cares about Edwards or Hollywood.
    Immoral ?
    How many Dems voted for the war and then said they were against it ?
    I think we can spread the ethical and immoral challenges around evenly on both sides.
    Dont you ?

  5. Jersey McJones says:

    Sounds to me like he gave them nothing of value whatsoever, Micky. Besides, what could he have given them anyway? That’s really the whole point. You can’t squeeze blood from a stone. AQ is not a perfect hierarchical pyramid. It’s a cell system, whereby one group has no idea what the other is up to – or even who they are. On top of that, we are apparently to inept to keep anything secret anyway, so we’d best just behave like a First World people and disgusting slobs who torture people.

    JMJ

  6. Jersey McJones says:

    Oops, “and not disgusting slobs who torture people.”

    JMJ

  7. micky2 says:

    No, that is not the point. The point is that first he said it doesnt work and then he said it does.
    Dont change points on me. Dont start your games.

    YOU SAID that McCain proved torture doesnt work.
    He himself said it did and even wrote this in his own book.
    Go to the link, read the artyicle and McCains own quotes. You are wrong

    JMJ;
    “AQ is not a perfect hierarchical pyramid. It’s a cell system, whereby one group has no idea what the other is up to -”

    So what ? More of them know each other than those that dont. And besides that we are not privy to intelligence that would make or defeat your arguement.
    As if you even have a clue whats going on in the field.

    JMJ;
    ” so we’d best just behave like a First World people and disgusting slobs who torture people.”

    Yea. AQ is full of choir boys.

    Bottom line is this.
    It worked on KSM and its been proven ,and it saved countless lives and gave a treasure trove of info. He wouldnt say a thing untill the water started flowing.
    And of course you’ll more than likely say the info was useless anyway and bla bla bla.

    I’ve had this debate before and it ended up with you holding only your opinion while I had all the facts.
    Saying the same thing over and over again works with your gang. Not me. So you can go through the whole thing again alone or with some other porr unsuspecting participant on this blog. But I do have some class and wont beat the same guy up twice.

  8. Jersey McJones says:

    Micky, we tried Japanese war criminals for waterboarding. Just how low do we have to sink, how many rights do we have to abuse, for this stupid, self-perpetuating, paranoid, war on terror?

    JMJ

  9. micky2 says:

    That has nothing to do with the issue at hand as far as McCain goes.

    But , I’ll amuse and indulge you anyway.
    Waterboarding is probaly the least harmful method of info extraction there is.
    You see it as low. Thats between you and your personal beliefs.
    We hold a much higher standard on and off the field than these guys do.
    From homicide bombers that look pregnant to IEDs to killing innocent bystanders. The list of unethical methods by the enemy goes on forever.
    To argue how low we must go is not only ridiculous its over presumptive and degrading to our forces as if they are doing something wrong.
    You guys say you support them but want now want to define their rules of engagement. To fit your passive and ineffective approach to fighting. Interogation is an engagement.

    How many rights do we have to abuse ?
    If its Americans you say are losing rights , I dont know of anyone who has lost any rights.
    If its the enemy, who gives a rats ass. They certainly are not worried about ours or even their own peoples rights. Does bad behavior warrant more bad behavior ?
    YES ! When someone is trying to kill you.

    “Stupid self perpetuating” is just an opinion that has gotten you into more endless debates than I can remember.
    Just remember that you too are also a victim of paranoia. And from my perspective its all ******* up because you fear your country and its leaders and principles more than you do those that want to kill you.

    Anyway, in finishing.
    McCain did not prove that torture doesnt work.
    I dont know where you dug that up. Because he clearly says in his own writting and words that it worked on him. In plain english.
    Slobbolas, just an opinion.
    My opinion is that it makes us look like we mean business.
    Theres nothing “low” about getting all the info we did out of KSM. Or the others.
    But of course if you’re trying to make friends instead of win a war none of this would make any sense to you.
    our opinion is just that, only an opinion.
    We have been attacked many many times and they have attempted to do so again and have sworn they will.
    The facts are real.
    Your accusation of paranoia is just what you think. It is not real like the threat that has proven itself concrete and viable many times over.

  10. Jersey McJones says:

    McCain gave them nothing of any usefulness. Not only that, but when he had the chance to go home, he stuck with his comrades in captivity and remained until the end. McCain, unlike too many Americans these days, is a man of substance.

    JMJ

  11. micky2 says:

    Stiil it doesnt change the fact that you were wrong in saying:
    “A) He himself proved it doesn’t work ”

    McCain and you have proved nothing.
    I dont think McCain is opposed to the effectivness of torture as he is to his principle of not using it.

    “I thought they were bluffing and refused to provide any information beyond my name, rank and serial number, and date of birth. They knocked me around a little to force my cooperation.”

    The punishment finally worked, McCain said. “Eventually, I gave them my ship’s name and squadron number, and confirmed that my target had been the power plant.”

    “I had learned what we all learned over there,” McCain said. “Every man has his breaking point. I had reached mine.”

    That McCain broke under torture doesn’t make him any less of an American hero. But it does prove he’s wrong to claim that harsh interrogation techniques simply don’t work.

    And I have never questioned John McCains integrity.
    But I did question your abilty to be totally forthcoming on an issue and proved it to be otherwise.
    I’d like to know when and where he said that torture doesnt work. Because in his own book he says it does.

    “Nearly forty years ago, however – when McCain was held captive in a North Vietnamese prison camp – some of the same techniques were used on him. And – as McCain has publicly admitted at least twice – the torture worked!”

    So once again, you’re arguement that torture doesnt work or that Mccain said so is now garbage.

  12. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Telly Savalas is dead. Are you suggesting that we allow zombies to hold cabinet postions?

  13. Jersey McJones says:

    “Eventually, I gave them my ship’s name and squadron number, and confirmed that my target had been the power plant.”

    Nothing. Useless.

    “To those who say we should use any technique to obtain intelligence, McCain says: “Torture doesn’t work.” And he should know.”

    http://www.sptimes.com/2005/07/29/Opinion/_Torture_doesn_t_work_.shtml

    Micky, if you want to torture people AQ is always looking for new recruits. You can sign up any time. If you want to be a civilized American, a beacon of human rights for the world to admire, then stick with people like McCain. I may not agree with a lot of his politics, but as a human being he is an unquestionably good and decent man.

    JMJ

  14. micky2 says:

    I think hes a good man also.
    But you’re still wrong.

    He may say now that iy doesnt work , fine. But that is not what he said in 99. FACT!
    And you said he proved it does not work.
    Neither you or him has proven that torture does nbot work. FACT!

    I read the article Jersey, so what ?
    McCain is on record as saying twice that the torture worked on him.
    But also what you failed to mention ( again) is that in your link it also says;

    “McCain’s legislation would apply only to the Defense Department. It would not interfere with CIA’s disturbing practice of rendition – turning suspects over to foreign governments that routinely use torture. It would require all Defense Department personnel to treat prisoners in accordance with an Army field manual. It also would bar cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment of detainees in accordance with American law and international treaties”

    Read that and think about it a little
    Also…
    It says nothing about nor does it even approach waterboarding. And his bill even still lets interogation go to other countries. It applies only to our Defense Department.

    But , before I get carried into other subjects that are little relevance here.
    The main issue is that you claimed McCain proved that torture doesnt work. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one has proved anything. Its just an opinion.

    On the other hand it has been proven that torture/waterboarding worked on KSM. He said so himself. And even if he denied its effectivness the amount of info derived from his sessions speaks volumes to its effectivness.

    And lay off the personal attack by suggesting I hook up with Al Queda.
    That was stupid.

  15. micky2 says:

    Also.
    I never said that the info the North Vietnamese got from McCain was usefull. Did I ?
    But the torture worked in getting that out of him. He felt it was important enough to withold it untill he got the crap beat out of him. He was not required to give up his target, but he did. At the time he thought that info was worth holding onto.

    If I think McCain has made conflicting statements, thats fine. Maybe he has changed his mind on the issue and then thats all he has to say.

    JMJ;
    “If you want to be a civilized American, a beacon of human rights for the world to admire,”

    I want to protect my country first. I’ll worry about what other people think about me last.
    I am the least bit interested in being a “beacon of human rights” And if anyone deserves ” rights” Its the American people who have a right to be protected by their government. I hardly think that anyone in their right mind would place our ethics and ROE anywhere near those of our enemy. Please, stop the nonsense.
    We are fighting a war, not a popularity contest.

  16. Jersey McJones says:

    McCain has been pandering to the right throughout this primary/caucus season. Something tells me he’ll change his tune once he’s in the Whitehouse. There’s even rumors of him picking a Dem (albeit a conservative Dem) for Veep. He’ll still be a hawk, but he’ll when he get his hawkishness up he’ll do it right, not half-heartedly and on the cheap like the current Failure in Chief. I like McCain, and like I said I might just vote for him (long story why, that I’m sure you don’t wat to hear).

    Look, when it comes to “torture” and all that implies, I don’t have some perfect black line. The Russert ‘Nightmare Scenario” rubs that out (no adolesecnt innuendo intended). There is a time for everything under the sun, after all. Remember, FDR dealt with the German domestic threat quietly, with who knows what – and that’s the point. We don’t don’t know what. The Bush administration is too inept to get away with anything. With that in mind, its best they just stick to the book, so to speak.

    Hopefully the next administration, whoever they are, will tend to things more tactfully, realistically, and necessarily. This bunch of morons we have running things now are just making everything worse – and making themselves look no better than our ostensible foes. Bush and the GOP just lost their biggest fight yet yesterday on the Hill. Their power has been checked. The duck is officially, finally, lame. If I were them, I’d stop fighting from the low-brow position. There’s nothing to gain from that crowd anymore. The low-brows will not determine the next president. Play to the better angels of the better voters.

    JMJ

  17. micky2 says:

    Everthing you said has nothing to do with the fact that you and McCain have not proved that torture does not work.
    But the facts I have displayed proved it does..

    JMJ;
    “Look, when it comes to “torture” and all that implies, I don’t have some perfect black line. ”

    Most of the implications are based on your opinion.
    To me it implies doing what we have to do.
    To you it implies something bad.
    But the F A C T is that it works.

  18. Jersey McJones says:

    Nothing works all the time, Micky. That’s life.

    JMJ

  19. micky2 says:

    That was just the most usless comment I’ve heard in a long time.
    We use things in life only because we have seen that they work most of the time jersey.
    But if course coming from you thats hilarious. The left seems to think that even if something doesnt work they can just keep saying it and it will.

    You loose. You lost.
    You made a statement that you cant back up.
    Torture worked on KSM. This is fact , and relevant to this debate.
    Torture worked on McCain, he is on record twice saying it. This is fact ,and relevant to this debate.
    And you and McCain have not proved that torture does not work. This is fact , and relevant to this debate.
    All issues have been clarified and settled by me.

    See ya.

  20. I knew it!!!!!

    American voters are anti-Baldites!!!!

    :-P

    BHG

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