The Onion Primary

For those in 49 other states, there is a state called Wisconsin. Today is their primary. Wisconsin is known for three things. 1) Cheese. 2) The Green Bay Packers. 3) The Onion.

Although it relocated to New York City, which will most likely kill some of its charm, “The Onion” will always be the pride of some warped lunatics from Madison, Wisconsin. The Onion is the best satire newspaper in the country.

Therefore, since the democrats running for President are completely fake, it would be best to have them covered by fake news.

I could cover real news stories, but at this point in the world, there are none.

President George Herbert Walker Bush endorsed John McCain. This would help except that former President Bush lost his reelection because he was detested by conservatives.

There is only one endorsement that matters, and somebody needs to bother Nancy Reagan in the hospital and get her opinion. She has some nerve trying to recuperate from a potentially life threatening fall by thinking about herself. Ronald Reagan would have made jokes. Nevertheless, I hope Mrs. Reagan is recovering nicely.

Did Barack Obama plagiarize Deval Patrick? Of course he did. Should it matter? Perhaps? Does it matter? No. He is black. He is articulate. The media has decided that his trips to the toilet don’t stink. Therefore, there is no story here. Besides, Oprah supports him, and lord knows her trips to the toilet are pure pearls, flushed down a golden toilet in a lavatory made of platinum. Personally, I don’t think she needs to go to the toilet. Only commoners do that.

As for the Clintons, they are just frustrated that they finally are seen as stinking to high heaven. They did back in 1992, but they were not called on it. So if anything, Obama is guilty of plagiarizing the role of likable candidate. There is no copyright on likability, which makes it even more bizarre that Hillary would not observe likable people and copy them. Everything else about her is copied, processed, focus group analyzed, and poll tested. Every word and every idea is “liberated” from somewhere else. Yet a personality transplant requires having an understanding of what constitutes a likable personality.

As for Obama being able to heal the sick, rescuing a woman who swooned at his rally, Mike Huckabee has a direct line to the almighty, so Obama should stop plagiarizing Huckabee’s healing abilities. I wonder which one of them will heal the Clintons and turn them from angry narcissists who scream and occasionally try to physically assault dissenters, and turn them into decent human beings that have kindness and compassion for those with different last names from them.

My old socialist college professor once said that our papers should be one long gigantic footnote, because, “There is no original thought.” Hillary has taken this to an art form. Writing a story on the “real” and “authentic” Hillary Clinton is impossible because nobody has ever met her. Some compare her to a robot, but if she has a functioning soul, heart and body beneath her carefully crafted media scripted concoction, people have never seen it.

I could report about sports, but the Daytona 500 and the NBA Allstar Game are just ways of trying to ease the pain of the NFL being on hiatus until September. The only sports story that interests me concerns the erotic photos taken by the cheerleaders of the Sacramento Kings. Now those are allstars I would not mind playing a game involving the bouncing of round objects with.

As for the actual politics behind the Wisconsin primary, any story written will be phony. The facts are that Obama has won 8 contests in a row, mainly by landslides. If Hillary wins Wisconsin, she will be the “comeback kid.” She has lost 2/3 of the contests, but somehow she will be declared the candidate with momentum. Obama will most likely win easily in the Hawaii Caucus by a wide margin, but that will be dismissed because he lived there for some time. The real story is that Obama has smacked Hillary around in terms of the popular vote and delegates. Yet she is seen as a fighter because she occasionally wins something.

So since the real story does not matter, we might as well focus on fake news. After all, unlike Hillary and Obama, The Onion at least admits upfront that every word emanating from its rhetorical mouth is fake. The Onion provides laughter. The democrats running for President are merely laughable, and yet in the serious times of today, I am not amused.

So now I present the only media outlet to get the stories right. The Wisconsin Primary is the Onion Primary. Here is the Onion reporting on the “War for the White House.”

In addition, below are profiles of every candidate still in the race, in addition to those who decided the job was beneath the dignity of most people. As Howard Stern has said about being the king of radio, “There is no point getting to the top of the heap if it is a heap of sh*t.” Nevertheless, the candidates and their qualifications are below.


Hillary Clinton:


Husband secretly let her run country from 1997-1999

Signature Issue:
Becoming President of the United States

Health Care: “I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade.”


Iraq War: “I would never have voted for the war had we known it would become unpopular.”


Barack Obama:


Pro-hopes, also supports dreams

Favorite Way To Mollify Supporters:
Nodding solemnly while gripping podium

Health Care: Promises to reduce cost of health care by demanding private insurance companies stop liking astronomical profits.


Iraq War: Will have American soldiers tell the Iraqi soldiers that they’re just going out for some smokes, and then sneak back home to America.


John McCain:


Distinguished Flying Cross (Vietnam War); Silver Star (World War II); Bronze Star (Crimean War)

Inspiring Example:
Co-sponsored a campaign finance act with Democrat Russ Feingold, the aim of which is to leave every campaigner as broke as McCain and Feingold

Health Care: Supports universal health care for all current and former POWs.


Iraq War: “The United States should no longer act as the world’s police but instead as the world’s stripper, dressed as the police.”


Mike Huckabee:


Signature Issue:
Retrieving the Ark of the Covenant


Ron Paul:


Iraq War: Opposes it for some complicated libertarian reason best explained in a rambling, discursive way by your office I.T. guy.


Chris Dodd:


Biggest Disadvantage:
Not even wife knows who he is


Joe Biden:


Reason For Running:
in a rut, career-wise


Bill Richardson:


Forced to Publicly Apologize For:
As a child, his half-American side used to pay his half-Mexican side a substandard wage to clean his room


John Edwards:

Greatest Strength:
Notable ‘ding’ sound when smiling

Campaign Slogan:
“You know what I like? America.”


Dennis Kucinich:

Worst Moment:
Nearly devoured by Wisconsin Congressman James Sensenbrenner on House floor


Mitt Romney:


Iraq War: Would unite warring religious factions by deploying over 100,000 Books of Mormon to the nation’s most fractious regions.


Fred Thompson:


Campaign Ad Voiceover Ability:

Most Ambitious Proposal:
Vows to improve U.S. IMDb STARmeter ranking by 19% during first six months of office


Rudy Giuliani:


Favorite Way To Relax:
Long strolls through piles of smoking rubble and twisted metal

Health Care: Supports universal health care for everyone except his bitch ex-wives.


At some point votes will come in from Wisconsin. To determine the winner of the Onion Primary, I will be reading the Onion itself.

Everything else, save this daily column, is ill informed garbage.

With that spirit, I shall go to the “King of the Hill” website to determine the Texas vote, and analyze the National Football League Hall of Fame Game results from Canton in years past to predict what will happen in Ohio.

I shall also consult with Larry the Cable Guy, who stated that “to me, Super Tuesday is when they have 99 cent tacos.”

Tacos have onions. It all does tie together.


13 Responses to “The Onion Primary”

  1. Jenn says:

    I love the Onion. Now, I must excuse myself as I feel a strong urge to consume taco’s.

  2. micky2 says:

    NBC affiliate KHNL here in Hawaii has been giving Obama 10 to 15 minutes of air time every night for the last 4 nights. I realize part of this is due to the the caucus.
    Hillary gets only 2 or 3 minutes. And after every Obama segment the stations airs a commercial for their up coming special on Hawaiis disaterous health care problems.
    I put two and two together and just want to slap the guys who say their is no media bias. Not to mention also the Obama campaign commercials that air alongside everything I just mentioned.
    Funny post Eric.

  3. Jersey McJones says:

    So Micky, who’s gonna win the Hawaii caucus?


  4. micky2 says:

    We are subjected to blind loyalty here.
    He went to Punahou. Which is a really expensive private school. But for some reason locals are all excited about his being a resident at one time.
    I’m not sure how hard his upbringing was with anyone who had that income here.
    Locals dont like loud arrogant white women.
    Plus if you read above the media here is practically stamping him with approval.
    Locals feel hes their best hope for pushing the Akaka bill through and helping the Hawaiians achieve some sort of solidarity and more reckognition in the form of entitlements

  5. al.fracker says:

    Interesting that CNN is blasting Obama for his “plagiarism”… not the fact that he says, “we have no fear but fear itself”… or “I have seen the mountaintop”… or anything famous, but instead because he uttered “just words”… But the real interesting note is how CNN twisted Mrs. Obama’s words to fit their news scoop. She said, “This is the first time I’ve REALLY been proud of America” or “Americans”. She didn’t say, “This is the first time I’m FINALLY proud of Americans”, or “I am now FINALLY proud of Americans”… so CNN is so twisted sister in love with the Clintons they have to beat up on the wife of a guy who never says anything of substance and accuse her of insulting American citizens. This is a funny business.

    I tried to check out the onion, but the military has it restricted…there must be nekkid women on the site…

  6. micky2 says:

    Well fracker.
    With all due respect I find it hard to believe that this is the first time Michelle can find something in her adult life to of really been proud of America.
    Their have been many many incidents in American history before that we can all be really proud of.
    On the other hand I sincerely believe that she just mispoke.
    All she needs to say is;
    ” that didnt come out right”

  7. Jersey McJones says:

    Yeah, she should have said “the first time I’ve been really proud of the American electoral system” or something like that. To be honest, if a black man or a woman could actually win the presidency, just for that alone I would be prouder of America than I ever have been before in my lifetime either!


  8. micky2 says:

    Only if they could actually run the country.
    Lets not make a statement on our clearing the hurdles of bigotry as opposed to electing the best person for the job.
    America has plenty of Blacks and women playing very important roles in America right now, and has for a while now.
    I dont want to be able to brag about our acceptance of diversity and end up with some shmuck in office.
    Do me a favor this time.

    Dont say we already have one in office

  9. Jersey McJones says:

    Either Obama or Hillary would be fine, I’m sure. Still, I would be both stunned and filled with pride in my fellow Americans if they could rise above misogyny or racism and actually elect a black man or a woman for the highest elected office in the land. I can’t think of anything in my lifetime that would make me more proud of America.


  10. micky2 says:

    Thats something to be more proud of as an American than anything in a lifetime ?
    ” Oh look everyone, we can elect black men and women. Arent we something?”

    Thats how race gets put out front .
    If there was ever a time when race wasnt an issue that would be something I would really be proud of.
    Electing a black man could say just a much about racism being alive and well as it might say we all got past it.

  11. all i can say is that if Obama wins the delegate count and hill wins the super del’s, it will be like running into a brick wall for the Dems

  12. Sara says:

    I love how under Obama’s stance on key issues it says in nearly every field: “Position being drafted.” Classic!

  13. Eagle6 says:

    Obama must have been charged with substance abuse in an earlier life, that’s why he’s avoiding it now…

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