THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

I normally write my column the night before, and publish it during the day. Thank God, for once, I was too tired to write last night, and that I checked the news before writing.

My column was supposed to be titled, “General Sherman should have finished the job.” It ws one of my typical diatribes where I blame an entire city for some misfortunes that could have happened anywhere.

For those who do not know, a tornado belted Atlanta last night. Winds of up to 130 mph ripped through the city and destroyed homes. There is nothing funny about this, and lord knows my conscience would be eating at me if I had written my original column.

I was in Atlanta yesterday on business. I left the office at 1pm for what should have been a 30-45 minute drive to catch a 3:40 flight. Easy as can be, epecially with a GPS tracker in the rental car.

Then the rains came. Then I may or may not have missed the freeway entrance. Apparently Atlanta does not believe in second chances when it comes to freeways, so I took side streets. After two hours due to rain and accidents, I arrived at what I thought would be the rental car entrance. It would take a miracle, but if I really hauled it I could make the flight.

The sign said Hertz. I rented from Avis, so I figured I had to drive a few more feet. I did not know that all the rental cars dropped off at the same spot. There was no way to turn back around. It took me another 30 minutes to go around the block. I called up Delta, got somebody from India, and had them transfer me to somebody that understood me. Luckily, the next flight was only an hour later. At worst it would slightly screw up my dinner plans.

The lady at Avis charged me an extra day for the rental car because I was an hour late. Trying to argue with somebody that does not care is like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig. Also, Delta charged me extra for the flight because they no longer do standby. I mean what is customer service except to aggravate customers?

To give you an example of how enraged I was, think about my political philosophy. I worship at the altar of big business. Therefore, if you are a big business, and I hate you, then nobody on Earth likes you. I hope the government lets the airlines go bankrupt until competent people take over.

I had not eaten all day, and I had to grab some Krystal and quickly board. When I say Krystal, I mean small burgers, not fancy alcohol. I was in the back row of the plane in a middle seat.

At that moment I wanted General Sherman to finish the job in Atlanta. For those of you who attend public school, General William Tecumseh Sherman’s “March to the Sea,” was a major victory for the Union over the Confederacy. In that battle General Sherman burned Atlanta to the ground. I left Atlanta at 5pm, and arrived in Chicago for a lovely dinner party with the Chicago Cannonball. The weather was in the 50s. Yes, Chicago was balmier than Atlanta.

I had a list of all the destruction I wanted inflicted upon Atlanta. Not the outer areas, just the city. The airport needed to be destroyed. It is a zoo. I frequently go through LAX and JFK. Even Ohare is not that bad. Atlanta is dreadful.

The people at Delta and Avis should have made exceptions due to the inclement weather and not gouged me.

Although CNN had nothing to do with this situation, I wanted them to be wrecked as well simply because I don’t like them. Besides, something needs to ruin Anderson Cooper’s hair, even if for a few minutes.

Yet rather than write the column, I decided to wait until morning. This was mostly due to my favorite type of exhaustion, but also because I try to be careful about heaping scorn on people (Eliot Spitzer being the exemption. There, I found a way to incorporate him into my wrath.).

Last year I was without internet access at home for 6 weeks. Thankfully it was before I began my blog. I wished bad things on Earthlink, especially since they, like Delta, had outsourced their tech support to India. I am not proud that I wanted the top people at Earthlink to die, and I was mortified when Earthlink CEO Gary Betty died of brain cancer at age 49 a few weeks later.

I don’t want people to die. I just, like most people, do not like inconveniences. Unlike most people I wish I handled such inconveniences better.

So as I woke up today at the crack of noon Chicago time, I prepared to write how badly I wanted destruction and mayhem to be inflicted upon Atlanta. I decided to check the news just to make sure the world had not blown up. After all, it would not look good if bombs had gone off in America and I was worried about missing a flight.

I saw the news. A tornado had destroyed Atlanta. The destruction and mayhem had happened.

My thoughts turned to my friend, whose house I had slept in the previous night, the same house I left at 1pm. I hope he and his family are ok. Even CNN headquarters sustained some damage, and no, I am not cheering or holding a parade. Speaking of parades, the St. Patrick’s Day Parade has been canceled. I hope the Irish Americans that helped make this country great pick up the slack in other cities on March 17th.

As ticked off as I get over stuff, I have been relatively unscathed by life. This is nothing but luck. I was in Fort Payne Alabama in 2005. I was trapped in a rainstorm, and disgusted. I went back to Los Angeles, and two weeks later Alabama got belted by the same rain that hurt Louisiana and Mississippi even worse. It was Hurricane Katrina, and I had missed it by two weeks.

This one I missed by mere hours.

I know I need to start being nicer, and more compassionate, and more understanding.

I also know that will most likely not happen overnight, if it happens at all.

I will be back in Hotlanta again soon, and I hope it is a poitive experience for me and the residents of that city.

Besides, when it is not raining, Hotlanta is a great city.

I hope the people are ok. Except the ones at Delta and Avis that jacked with my finances.

Oh heck, who am I kidding. I hope they are ok as well. Lord knows I do not want to be on the receiving end of bad wishes. If God wants to shove a lightning bolt up my rumpus, I am not that hard to find. None of us are.

eric

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 15th, 2008 at 10:35 am and is filed under POLITICS, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.