Mocking worthy sentiments

Awhile back while sobbing uncontrollably, I solicited ideas for what my column should be about on Sundays in lieu of football. People took the time to offer me sincere suggestions, and the least I can do is mock their worthy sentiments.

Andy Hefty wanted me to write about a column he wrote called “let’s hear it for the wives.”

While the article itself is a beautiful tribute, the title scares me. After all, “wives” plural implies bigamy. I am happy to report that while Andy is the proud father to 13 children, he has only one spouse. This is the difference between being a good man and being dragged off to jail.

Personally, if I wrote the article I would call it, “let’s hear it for the wives, except when I am trying to watch the football game on Sunday.”

Or we can call it, “let’s hear it for the wives, because we don’t have a choice.”

Ok, we have mocked enough. It is a well written column (his, not mine).

Another guy named Randy recommended that I write about the key issue of terror divestment.

I support the cause. I engaged in terror divestment a few years ago. She was a complete nightmare, and I am glad I broke it off. To paraphrase investor Jim Rogers, “I started out with an old car and an old wife…I liquidated both.”

I will no longer do business with terrors. I don’t care how hot she is, I will not rub her with strawberry lotion or share a pair of edible underthings with her. It is an issue of national security.

I encourage everybody to engage in terror divestment. In fact, the minute the marriage ends, sell the ring on Ebay as quickly as possible.

Another worthy topic is Private First Class Corey Claggett.

While this fellow absolutely deserves our attention, why has nobody contributed to my legal defense fund? How am I supposed to slap my secretary on her fabulous hide when nobody wants to pay the inevitable legal fees I would incur? Some of you are so inconsiderate. Do I have to be a democratic President to get some financial and legal help because I wanna troll for subordinate rumpus? Work with me here people. Start dialing for dollars so my fingers can dial for yummies with no consequences.

One fellow had the nerve to ask me to help him educate people. He wanted people to stop being so lazy.

As someone that likes sleeping until noon on weekends, I resent the attack on lazy people. This fellow obviously does not understand that getting up when one does not have to is difficult. How dare he try and get people to better themselves. He is a scourge. That reminds me, I need to turn the ringer off.

A lovely woman named Celeste Allen suggested I write about illegal immigration and the border fence.

She is right. The Canadians have to be stopped. They are the scourge of the North, and they cheated in 1993 in hockey and basketball. Let’s not even get into the 2002 gold medal hockey game. Every Canadian needs to be deported immediately for this. Also, all pasty white people in Minnesota, North Dakota and Buffalo need to go as well because they could be closet Canadians. I am tired of Canadians coming to America and stealing Mexican jobs.

The fellow above said that family and social issues were his favorite. I will not write about Oedipus or Electra Complexes. It is a disgusting subject, and Rich should be ashamed of himself for suggesting it. Many families have “issues,” and their private smut is their own business.

David Lavallee wrote this to me on January 28th:

I do feel sorry for you out there in California, BUT it is not off season out here in beautiful Massachusetts home of the New England Patriots. SORRY”

David…my friend…nah, too easy.

Despite the title of the above site, it has nothing to do with the movie “Smokey and the Bandit.” These guys should stop fighting with each other and focus on something important like the War on Terror. Now I know they claim that is what they care about, but on my blog I have carte blanche, which is French for carte blanche. Then again, I would rather read about American truckers and war than peaceful Europeans wearing lederhosen.

Ron Lipsman asked me to promote his book.

Ron, the bad news is I trackback to people I hate. That way I can lower their blog by implying they associate with me. So if your book sales plummet, my plan to tar you by guilt of association worked. If my plan failed, I want royalties immediately.

“I would suggest taking up fly fishing, and then reporting back about your experiences, but you are not up for any new hobbys…I suppose we could send you off to Front Sight for a course or two, and you could report back here…”

Patrick will understand that flyfishing is for New Hampshirites and Presidential suckups. As much as I would love the power of being President, I hate cold weather. The only fly fishing I ever do is when my zipper get stuck and I have to struggle to find the thing and get it back up before the women in the restaurant complain to the manager.

Karen said the following:

“I think you should have people submit an article from their own blog! Then, pick one!”

Karen, that is an idiotic idea. I would never even consider doing something so…oh, wait, I seem to be doing that now. To quote Gilda Radner, “Never mind.”

Ok, I am sure you are all waiting for a spectacular ending that will justify your getting all the way to the bottom of this point.

Ta da (black smoke only I can see fills the room)!

To quote what I say to all my exes, “Yes, that is all there is.”

Keep waiting.


3 Responses to “Mocking worthy sentiments”

  1. Jersey McJones says:

    That was a fun read! LOL!


  2. micky2 says:

    If worse comes to worse theres always some idiotic liberal blog that needs to be exposed and shredded.
    Ya gotta admitt. Those guys never stop giving us something to look at where we dont tell ourselves ” just when I thought I’d heard it all”
    You know, just a little refresher course once in a while so us good people dont get too complacent. Remind us why we do what we do.

    Football… The one thing that I can really enjoy about my current employment is that I get a break right about the time when I am near the Dove Valley training center, so I get to sneak a peek at people that are trying out for the Broncos.

    {sighs} I think we are in for a repeat of last year. So Eric should be happy! :)

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