The 8 day famine known as Passover began last night. Before boring everybody to tears with the political intrigue surrounding this holiday, first I shall spend my Sunday griping.
I arrived in Chicago today an exhausted mess. I had a 6:30am flight from Los Angeles, and rather than get a good night’s sleep, I started doing some administrative work on the new website I am working on. If one day you guys wake up and find out that the Tygrrrr Express has moved, no, I have not benefitted society by giving up blogging. I have merely relocated. The new site will be up and running soon. So I stayed up and worked on it until 4:30am, and then went to the airport. I do sleep on planes fairly well, but that was still not enough. I slept much of Saturday.
My hotel is not ready until late Sunday, so last night I crashed at a friend’s place. “The General” stays with me when he comes to LA, and he has an awesome condo in Chicago within walking distance to the House of Blues. When I say walking distance, I mean about 50 feet. He is in Michigan this weekend, so he left me the keys to his bachelor pad.
This would be a golden opportunity to get buck wild with the Chicago Cannonball, but she is in North Carolina. Does my pain ever end?
Actually yes. She arrives in a couple hours.
Nevertheless, I had to spend the first night of Passover without her. I call the holiday the 8 day famine because there is usually nothing good to eat. Bread is forbidden. No pizza, no hot dogs or burgers (I could eat them without the bun or roll but that is not the same), or any other bread based food. The first two nights Jews can attend Seders, which are big feasts. The final 6 nights we basically starve to death.
Some years it gets so bad that I have been known to argue with Rabbis that tacos are allowed because the shells are hard and flat like Matzoh. Apparently this argument does not wash. Corn and rice are forbidden in some cases, but forget it. No bread is enough for me.
My problem is that I have a memory like a sieve. I spend time trying to find food without bread, and then I forget what I am supposed to be trying to accomplish. One year I could not think of anything, so I said I would just go have a sandwich. As I was about to buy the sandwich, I said, “What the heck am I doing!!!!” Yes, I forgot that sandwiches consist of bread. If only the Earl of Sandwich had explained this to me.
I remind everybody around me to remind me not to eat bread. If I fail, then they have failed, and they must hang their heads in shame. Then I force them to eat Matzoh. Matzoh is cardboard, only with less flavor. When non-Jewish people tell me how much they enjoy the taste of Matzoh, I want to hit them. However, I am too drained from a lack of food intake to throw a punch.
Yet the true conspiracy of Passover is political in nature. It has a ritual that seems innocuous on the surface, but is much more sinister. This involves the issue of reclining.
Because we are celebrating our freedom from the bondage of Egypt, we are supposed to enjoy the evening as relaxed as possible. Slouching is normally bad manners, but on this evening we are supposed to recline. Eating while reclining sounds good, but there is a catch. For reasons that are only described as “tradition,” it is required that we lean to the left. Leaning to the right is considered bad because legend has it that it can lead to people choking on their food.
That’s right, Jews are officially being ordered to lean to the left. I have had it. This is left wing activism at its worst. Can a republican have one evening in peace where giving up deeply held beliefs is not a requirement? I wanted to have Synagogues across America lose their tax exempt status to hurt their budgets, but given the taste of the rubber chicken at some of these places, it seems the budget cutting has already taken place.
I wanted to videotape this cult like behavior of ordering the Jews to lean to the left, but was banned from taking pictures or videotaping the evening. The excuse the Rabbis gave was that it is impermissible to take photos or use other electronic devices on religious holidays or on the Sabbath. This is a convenient coverup to me. I suspect that the reason why most dinners fall on the Sabbath or on holidays is to prevent people like me from gathering evidence. Their defense is that the Sabbath or holiday itself is the sole reason for congregating. How coincidental.
Liberals truly believe that the purpose of religion is to eliminate all conservatives. How else does one explain the phrase, “If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off.”? When will liberals stop using religion to advance their own agenda?
The religious left is out of control.
Anyway, between sleep deprivation and malnourishment, I am starting to resemble the guy in the town square grousing about everything and nothing. Then again, his dinner probably will taste better for a few days. All I know is when I go to bed tonight I am going to lean so far to the right that I might leave imprints in the wall, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. I am making my stand.
Actually, keeping the Chicago Cannonball happy is a priority. I will lean whichever direction she likes. I just hope the hotel has sheets with elephants on them to help me erase the scourge of liberalism that the Passover conspiracy has foisted upon me.
Now I need to find some Dr. Browns Black Cherry Soda and some of them yummy waxed jelly rings that only seem to be around Passover. I just hope I can get to the minimarket without having to make any left turns.
eric
LOL! Great read! (by the way, I don’t much care for Matzoh either – but I do like it with Gefilte fish with white chrain)
JMJ
Well as amazing as this may sound I have to agree with Jersey :-)..I too have always complained about the six days of starving after two nights of feasts. Even worse than regular Matzoh is the Shemurah Matzoh many of us use for the Seders it is like Matzoh only burnt and not as tasty. :-)
You left off that all decen pasta is also forbidden. You could turn Sephardic and start eating rice…That might help a little.
Soup with enough crushed matzot so you can eat it with a fork.
To get to the mini market, practice San Francisco driving: 3 rights = 1 left.
Warning; This does not work in Oakland or the Seattle suburbs.
;)
I remember having Passover with my dads parents when I was about 5 or 6 in 1963.
I took the matzoh, put it in my pocket and crushed it so I didnt have to eat it. I got busted when my mom went to tuck in my shirt, but she didnt squeel on me.
And then their was Borscht .
I like this post.
I attended my first Seder last Saturday.
God Bless