Hillary Clinton, the Kentucky Derby, and Old Yeller

Blue Moon of Kentucky, Keep on Shining…Shine on the one, that’s gone and proved untrue…

Blue Moon of Kentucky, Keep on Shining…Shine on the one, that’s gone and left me blue…

That wonderful song by Bill Monroe has nothing to do with this column. I just like it, although I prefer the Vince Gill version that was lip synched by Boomhauer on “King of the Hill.”

Anyway, Kentucky and Oregon are voting today, and I am going to pretend to care.

Oregon does their elections by mail, which makes for very efficient elections. This makes polls irrelevant, because with early voting, one cannot know exactly what percentage of people filled out their ballots when. They could have filled them out when either candidate was at the height of their popularity, or cratering at the bottom. Speaking of craters and bottoms, Hillary…never mind. This is not a sex column.

Anyway, the focus is on Kentucky. Obama is expected to Coast in Oregon, while Hillary is expecting a blowout in Kentucky similar to her romp in West Virginia.

The problem is that Kentucky has already predetermined this race, based on a race that occurred in Kentucky recently.

People often talk about the political horse race of a Presidential election season, but it was a literal horse race that doomed Hillary’s campaign.

The Kentucky Derby will be the day that Hillary’s quest for the White House ended in death.

For those who do not know, there are two significant occurrences regarding the Kentucky Derby, which is always held on a Saturday in early May. The Friday before the Derby, David Letterman has the voice of the racing announcer on his show by telephone. The man enthusiastically bellows out, “and down the stretch they come!” Letterman does this himself for several minutes before and after the announcer does it. In fact, the entire episode is Dave for no reason in particular randomly yelling out “and down the stretch they come!”

The other important aspect of the Kentucky Derby comes in the form of wagers. Yes, gambling is illegal in many areas, but some gambles are less harmful to society than others. If two mayors want to bet on the Superbowl in the form of wearing the t-shirt of the city, I do not lose sleep over it.

Nevertheless, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton picked out their horses. For those who wondered if Hillary bet on the bobtail nag, I would say it was Bill Clinton that bet on the nag 30 years ago. Some would say she is a hag, but that is more a physical critique, while being a nag is more an attitude. To say she is a hag would be perhaps unfair. Perhaps. She is a nag.

Anyway, Obama bet on a horse known as “Big Brown.” Hillary bet on a filly known as “Eight Belles.” Either Obama deliberately picked a horse that sounded like the nickname of a macho black man, or he is an expert on horse racing. Either Hillary deliberately selected a horse that was female, or she is a horse racing expert. Given her character, she has been a horse racing fan her entire life.

In what became a perfect replica of the most recent primary season, Big Brown was far out in the lead. Eight Belles came hard charing down the stretch, and was a very close second as the race was winding down. As they were headed towards the finish line, Eight Belles pulled back. Big Brown won the race. Yet this was not the story of the 2008 Kentucky Derby.

Eight Belles was too injured to even survive. She had to be euthanized. Right after the race ended, she was killed. It was a mercy killing.

While I want to make it crystal clear that there is nothing funny about the death of an innocent animal (as opposed to all the guilty animals that absolutely had it coming and deserved it), there are two things that must cease now.

First of all, the terrorists at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) should sit down and shut up. Yes, people who encourage bombing buildings, even to save furry lil critters, are terrorists. The only time anybody ever listened to PETA was when the hotter members of the group got naked. I saw Lisa Lange on television the other day. When she is fully dressed, she is no less useless than any other activist, or as I call them, lactivist. I wish it were legal for guys to ride members of PETA down the track and use the riding crops on their bare hides. Ok, maybe this is a sex column. I digress.

The other thing that must immediately cease is the Clinton campaign, or at least the media’s insistence on pretending it has viability.

Some may be wondering how I can engage in such specious and circular logic. Simple. The racetrack for the Kentucky Derby is a circle. Some may call it an oval, but upon getting elected, a President sits in the Oval Office. An oval is often an overglorified circle anyway.

“May the circle…be unbroken…by and by lord, by and by…”

That song also has nothing to do with anything. I just like it.

Anyway, those who liked the way that Old Yeller ended up would have loved the conclusion to the existence of Eight Belles. Hillary Clinton does not exit the stage gracefully. Like many other actresses that are past their prime, she needs to be taken out in the backyard and put out of her misery. The old female yeller at everybody who disagrees with her needs to go the way of Old Yeller. No, I am not advocating euthanizing the woman herself…just her campaign.

As for Hoss Hillary’s horse, there was a time when I felt that her campaign for President would never see this day. I still hold out fear and dread that she will find a way at the last second to steal the nomination. Yet that fear and dread is slowly lessening. Hillary might actually be dragged kicking and screaming from the stage. She might actually be close to being done.

When the stake is driven through her black heart (ok, even by my standards that was republican blogger hyperbole), I will believe it.

Hillary Clinton will win Kentucky by a large margin.

Unfortunately for her, the newest predictor of election results, that has a statistical sample of one and a current fallibility ratio of zero, showed her losing badly. The Kentucky Derby has as of now never failed to predict the Presidential race.

She could limp towards the Preakness, but Obama already won Maryland. As for the Belmont Stakes in New York, that race is irrelevant since John Kerry himself won that race by a long face.

One of the greatest horses of all time, even better than John “Smarty Jones” Kerry, was Seattle Slew. Seattle Slew was an elite horse. The city of Seattle is mainly elitist people. They support Obama.

Hillary may have thick hindquarters, but she cannot match the elegance of the younger steed that kicked dust in her face while kicking her rumpus.

Big Brown has won the first leg. Eight Belles has lost everything.

Her fate was a tragedy, but the fate of Hillary’s campaign is a cause for celebration.

The democratic donkeys can act like horse’s @sses, or they can get rid of her already. There is a glue factory for losing candidates waiting for her.

Like horses everywhere that will not stop braying, the time has come to do what should have been done a long time ago.

Hillary, you have brayed enough. It is time for your muzzle.

Blue Moon of Kentucky Keep on Shining.

Keep on shining indeed.


25 Responses to “Hillary Clinton, the Kentucky Derby, and Old Yeller”

  1. Jersey McJones says:

    Ya’ know, I don’t really appreciate being called a terrorist. If someone what you said about PETA above to my face, I’d kick the living $#!* out of them.


  2. micky2 says:

    Yea well, hes right.
    These protest groups actually do commit acts of terror.

    But its all good jersey.
    You can just call yourself a “freedom fighter” and you’ll be safe.

  3. PW says:

    You’re right – we should elect our next President based on the Kentucky Derby results. Why would we base our vote on who is the most experienced and ready to bring about real improvements instead of empty rhetoric in our economy, healthcare, and standing in the world?

  4. Jersey McJones says:

    I don’t go around damaging anything. PETA neithe endorses, condones or supports violence or destruction of any kind. There are some young crazy kids out there who do some pretty crazy stuff, and most of it I do support – with the exceptions of arson and violence. But there are plenty of arsonists and violent people in any group or movement throughout the world. To single out PETA is just plain insulting and stupid.


  5. micky2 says:

    Blacktygrrr did not single out PETA if you read a little deeper.
    Also mentioned were those who bomb buldings.

    “PETA neither endorses, condones or supports violence or destruction of any kind. ”

    Yea right, give me a break, do some research and its plain to see that they revel in these acts of violence, and even fund the organizations that commit these acts

    “On February 12, the Center for Consumer Freedom (CCF) reported to the subcommittee that in the last several years, PETA made donations to ELF and several defense funds for accused ALF members.”

    In a recent op-ed article, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk defended her organization by claiming that “PETA does not condone . . . violent acts.”

    But in fact, PETA or its representatives have often rationalized or celebrated violence. Consider just a few examples:

    * In the December/January 2000 issue of ‘Genre’, PETA’s Dan Mathews was asked to name men of the 20th century he admired. Mathews told the magazine he admired serial killer Andrew Cunanan, “because he got Versace to stop doing fur*


    Friday, November 16, 2001
    In a recent op-ed article, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk defended her organization by claiming that “PETA does not condone . . . violent acts.”

    But in fact, PETA or its representatives have often rationalized or celebrated violence. Consider just a few examples:

    * In the December/January 2000 issue of ‘Genre’, PETA’s Dan Mathews was asked to name men of the 20th century he admired. Mathews told the magazine he admired serial killer Andrew Cunanan, “because he got Versace to stop doing fur.”

    * In 1999, an animal rights terrorist group calling itself the Justice Department sent letters booby-trapped with razor blades to medical researchers and fur farms in the United States and Canada. When asked about the letters, Newkirk said, “I hope it frightens them [the researchers] out of their careers. If experimenters feel afraid now, that’s nothing compared with the fear, harm and death they have inflicted on their victims.”

    * In a new author’s note in her book about the Animal Liberation Front, ‘Free the Animals’, Newkirk writes, “Determined to cause economic injury to the exploiters, ALF members burn down their emptied buildings and smash their vehicles to smithereens. Perhaps, after reading this book, you will find that you cannot blame them.”

    * In 1994, PETA donated $42,500 to the Rodney Coronado Support Committee. Coronado is an animal rights terrorist who in 1995 pleaded guilty to firebombing a medical research facility at Michigan State University.

    * In fact, Newkirk herself has expressed a wish to carry out arson. At a 1997 animal rights convention she said, “I wish we all would get up and go into the labs and take the animals out or burn them down.” In 1999 she expanded on that sentiment, telling the ‘Chronicle of Higher Education’, “I find it small wonder that the laboratories aren’t all burning to the ground. If I had more guts, I’d light a match.”

  6. Jersey McJones says:

    Whatever. I don’t care. Compared with the atrocities the Right has perpetrated over the years, PETA is Jesus. I am a proud donor member of PETA and will always be as long as I can. ha ha.


  7. Mr. Fabulous says:

    If running tests on monkeys will result in medical advances that will enable me to spend a few more years on this big blue marble writing dick jokes, then I say “Tough bananas, Bonzo.”

  8. micky2 says:

    Yea Jersey, there was never any doubt that you didnt care.

    Most notably when you say PETA has never condoned these terrorist actions yet I just flew the proof in your face they as a matter of fact do.

    Ha ha.

  9. Jersey McJones says:

    PETA has no official connection to anything illegal, Muicky, or they’d have been sghut down years ago.

    Ronald Reagan, on the other hand, funded nun murderers.


  10. Mr. Fabulous says:

    To be fair, there are too many nuns.

  11. micky2 says:

    Ronald Reagan is another debate.
    Official is not even close to the fact that PETA does contribute to and even admit to supporting acts of violence.

    I’m going to the slaughter house today and pick out my own steak.
    I’m gonna wrap it in bacon, marinate it in garlic.
    And have me a big ole chicken anti pasto on the side with four, maybe five kids of cheese along with some chickens still in an embryonic state ala “deviled”

    Maybe an appetizer consisting of roasted Quail along with some pickeled Quail eggs. And I’ll do my best to make sure the eggs were laid by the same Quails I’m eating.

    Honest, really.
    Its my 51st birthday today and I’m going to wallow in the flesh of dead animals.

  12. blacktygrrrr says:

    Some things are more important than partisan politics.

    Happy Birthday Micky!

  13. micky2 says:

    The TV is goin off tonight and I’m crankin up all 1800 watts and blowin all eight 18″ woofers right at the neighbors.
    And that steak will be blood rare.
    Maybe I’ll play some Ted Nugent while I’m eating it.

    Thank you Eric.

  14. deaconblue says:

    Happy B-Day Micky! That last post is making me hungry. Maybe I’ll go enjoy a nce rare steak in your honor. Maybe I’ll even break out my annoy the PETA type t-shirts:
    “I shot Bambi’s mom. She was good eats”
    “Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.”

  15. Jersey McJones says:

    Oh man, THAT was baaaaaad, Micky! LOL!

    Happy Birthday you 51 year old jack @$$! ;)


  16. micky2 says:

    Thanks Deacon.
    If it wasnt so damn hot here I’d be wearing my leathers too.

  17. micky2 says:

    Thanks Jersey.
    I photo shopped a life size pin up of Pamela Anderson with your head.
    It will be tonights table cloth

  18. Jersey McJones says:

    Everyone loves my goofy face pic. I have an “I’m with stupid” Mad magazine cover with me and Bush. One guy put it on a little dancing baby. Another guy put it on Mel Gibson… The worst part – that’s my happy face! LOL!

    I must be the grumpiest liberal on the planet.


  19. micky2 says:

    Just got back from the meat packers.
    The guy who runs the joint is an ole friend of mine from my restaurant days.
    He’s always had a pair of big chrome bull balls framed and hangin on the wall behind his desk.
    Today they belong to me.

  20. Jersey McJones says:

    What? You like Rocky Mountain Oysters? Who knew? And chromed to boot! That’s just wierd. LOL!

    (Hey, I like a good steak like any other worthy man, but chrome-ified bull b@!!$… eh, no thanks. Maybe if Morimoto did them… maybe…)


  21. parrothead says:

    PW If we could find that person they undoubtedly would not be foolish enough to run for president. :-)

    I must say the chicken I had for dinner tonight is tasty. I like PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals that is).

    Truthfully, the only good thing about PETA is their naked campaign, but usually you don’t get to see anything so even that brings no joy.

  22. Jersey McJones says:

    Parrothead, if you have a cat or a dog, or both, like me, every time you look at them, every time they look up at you with their funny faces, every time they snuggle up with you, or lick your face, or bite your toes, or you rub their fuzzy bellies – that’s who PETA represents. Thank God for PETA.


  23. […] Eric ties together Hillary Clinton and the Kentucky Derby. Say, wasn’t the lone filly in the Derby put down on the track? […]

  24. micky2 says:

    I ate dog once.
    Tasted like pork.
    Probably had some cat tacos in TJ and didnt know it.

  25. parrothead says:


    PETA doesn’t represent only pets they also represent domesticated animals which are raised to be eaten. Like cows, chickens, turkeys, sheep, etc. Obviously most people would eat their own pet, and in this country people don’t eat dogs or cats, but other animals are commonly eaten. I have known many people who grew up on farms and they understand the difference between animals they keep as pets and those that are meant to be eaten eventually. Its a natural part of the circle of life.

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