I am acting white today

I have decided to start acting like a white person today.

This may seem startling for those who have always seen me as white, but I have decided to be even more white.

I have often said that it is wrong to judge a man’s race by the color of his skin. How dare we let melanin content and pigmentation determine our race. I would be outraged about this, but according to my “how to be a white guy” handbook, white people have no reason to be outraged. Nothing bad ever happens to us.

I would elaborate about Ralph Nader, but he makes Al Gore seem relevant by comparison.

I could speak about Charlie Black, but what I want to know is why most men named black are white and vice versa? This is false advertising indeed.

Don Imus has decided to act like Don Imus. Water remains wet.

Barack Obama has spoken about typical white people, but given that he is biracial, he is only half as qualified as others to discuss this.

Therefore, I have gone straight to the source of true whiteness. That’s right. I have rented “The History of White People in America,” starring Fred Willard and Martin Mull.

I am not sure I am cut out to be caucasian, much less white.

First of all, I detest golf. In the past I mentioned turning Iran and Syria into 50,000 hole golf courses. What I truly meant was relocating all golf courses to Iran and Syria. Instead of executing or waterboarding the Mullahs, we could just force them to wear those checkered pants.

Also, given that intolerance is wrong, I am glad that I am not lactose intolerant. After all, white people supposedly eat a good amount of cheese. I don’t mind it on a burger, or as a snack, but as three meals a day, that seems much for any non-mouse.

I have decided to go to work in the financial services sector today, because apparently white people have white collar jobs. Some may say I am doing this because that is my job, and not showing up is grounds for being fired, but today I am going to work in the name of white people acting white everywhere.

I shall no longer listen to rap music or find Snoop Doggy Dogg funny. From now on, classical music will be my music of choice.

I shall adopt heartland values, as soon as I find out exactly where this heartland is. I suspect it is in Middle America, but can all of these states be at the exact median location?

Also, since I am stereotypical today, I shall be male. White females are still minorities, and therefore atypical. To truly fit in, I have to be a white male.

I shall wear a white shirt today with a diagonal red and blue tie. While I do hate missing out on Pink Shirt Thursday, I must live up to my image.

I am not a smoker, but I suppose I can find a pipe and a tweed smoking jacket, or perhaps a jacket with elbow patches. I wonder if a bubble pipe qualifies.

Perhaps my cheese sandwich can have the crusts cut off.

I have heard that white people have 3 martini lunches. I do not drink alcohol, but perhaps I can just get a glass, pour some soda in it, and stir it for an hour.

In the 1980s white people watched the Cosby Show and Family Ties. In the 1990s it was Friends and Seinfeld. I wonder if white people still watch television.

I guess I should read the business section today. I shall see a complete white stranger on the street and ask him, “How about that market?” I heard the price of tomatoes is too high.

I need to buy a sweater. I do live in Los Angeles, but I have heard that golfers wear sweaters.

Until Imus, Nader, Black, and Obama opened their mouths, I did not know that so much effort went into my being white. I just figured that rolling out of bed and looking in the mirror would be enough to confirm my race. Apparently acting white is an attitude, and being white is a state of mind.

This is so confusing. I used to think that Clarence Thomas was black and Bill Clinton was white, with David Duke and Jesse Jackson being disgusting in any color. Apparently it is not that simple.

I do not have any cousins named Biff or Muffy. I hope this is not a problem.

I do not own a yacht. I will have to buy one. After all, if I am truly white, I am sure I can afford one, regardless of what my bank statement says.

I might have to remove all of my bling. Apparently white people do not wear bling. I guess I can give the necklace from my late grandmother back to my mother.

I shall not allow my personality to have any color. After all, white is colorless by definition. Some say black is colorless, but when I take all my crayons and write over them with other crayons, the picture gets darker, not lighter.

I hope nobody accuses me of dressing in whiteface today. I look the same as yesterday, only with more determination.

I read somewhere that white people are tall, thin, and perfectly coiffed. Wow, I already look like John Edwards and Mitt Romney, minus all the millions that I apparently misplaced in my other trust fund.

Perhaps I can buy a monocle. Maybe I need a first initial. Better yet, perhaps some Roman Numerals after my name. I do not have the same name as my father or his father, but I am sure we can correct the records.

White people are movers and shakers. I need to get an earpiece so I can talk to nobody out loud and look like I am really conducting business. This way, I will not get carted away.

I could start power walking, but I was under the understanding that being white itself implies having power. Plus, I walk every day from my car to the elevator to get to my office. White people walk a certain way. I am not sure if “The Rock” is white, but he put out a movie called “Walking Tall.” I can learn from him.

I can feel myself being confused with Chief Justice John Roberts already. I have my white guy smile perfected.

Perhaps I can go to the opera or the ballet tonight, even though in my previous life I would want those people to be hunted like golfers.

The only thing I cannot figure out is if I am acting like a white person who actually is acting white, or a white person that wants to be black or Latino. I used to wear my baseball cap on backwards, and I do like tacos. Normally I would not think that means anything, but if I am truly acting white today, I have to be completely unaware of how anybody who is not white lives. I wonder if actor Jamie Kennedy can help me with this.

If only Nader, Black, Imus, and Obama would have kept their mouths shut. Then I could have simply been a regular guy, whatever that means.

No, they had to intervene. Now I am not even eggshell or creme. I am lily white.

I do hope that this racial enhancement comes with free stock options. Otherwise, it will be a stereotype, rather than a stereotype of a stereotype living inside a stereotype.

I just hope I don’t get asked to join the television show “Law and Order.” Those shows have powerful white guys, but they are bald powerful white guys. In fact, the severity of the crime is determined by the number of powerful bald white guys.

A low level crime has Captain Don Cragen yelling, “1 PP (Police Plaza) is all over my @ss!”

More serious crimes require the second powerful bald white guy to show up wearing all of his military medals. He barks out, “The Mayor is all over my @ss.”

If things get ultra serious, at least until recently, the ultimate powerful bald white guy, Fred Thompson, shows up. He says, “I’ve got the Governor asking questions and I have an election to face. Handle this.” Ok, so nobody is all over his @ss, but they are still asking questions.

Also, the Governor in the show is a powerful bald white guy.

Given the choice, I would absolutely prefer to be black as opposed to bald.

That is for another day. Today I am white, successful, and handsome.

Now if only my bank account would respect my right to be a cliche of perfection.

I may not be black, but I would not mind being in the black.

Now if only Buff and Miffy would get back to me with the name of that cafe that sells delightful cheese sandwiches, cut diagonal style, with a toothpick holding an American Flag in the center of each triangle.


16 Responses to “I am acting white today”

  1. mad-adder says:

    It’s Thursday……,he’s not wearing a white shirt, but rather hot pink.

    But, as for today………,he’s white.

  2. Micky 2 says:

    If you throw some mayo on those tacos you’ll be safe.

  3. The attacks on Nader from the Democrats this week I find so offensive, so deplorable, so depicable, that if they keep it up I’ll go back to work for Nader this summer – and I’m in Florida. We aren’t in Jersey anymore, Toto. The Dems had better back off NOW.

    All Nader was saying is that the only difference between Obama and the rest of the Democratic mainstream is that he’s “half African American.” It’s a fair point. The only thing I wish Nader had added was that Obama seems to be a rather brilliant statesman, at least if his rhetoric is any indicator. But his record is indicative of a mainstream American politician with few new or radical ideas. Obama is NOT the progressive liberal he’s made out to be from the Right. And Nader is NOT the racist the Democrats are trying to paint now.

    They’d better knock it off. Many “swing voters” like me don’t care for that sort of low-brow political cr@ppol@. I have no idea who they think they’re winning over with this sort of sleazy trife.


  4. Micky 2 says:

    I often wondered why so many of Obamas initiatives and talking points are based and or tied to black America when it was always in the back of my mind that this guy also has a white lineage which he only seemed to mention when defending his being a memeber of Wrights church.
    Looks like he disowned the main link in that lineage when he disowned his grandmother.
    His rhetoric is only a reminder that he cant get out his own stupid way fast enough.
    His rhetoric on many affairs can only lead one to think that he is far more liberal than any candidate we have seen so far running for president.
    His efforts to redistribute Americas wealth world wide and his foreign policy suggestions have made that adundantly clear. Especially when Hillary the rabid socialist can make herself look hawkish next to him

  5. Micky, you couldn’t be more wrong. You cons are gonna cry the blues if Obama wins in November if only because you won’t be able to justify your original arguments against him.

    Give me a break.


  6. parrothead says:

    I would like to go on record as saying if Obama gets elected, I hope I am proven wrong about him. I would love for him to be less liberal and have a better foreign policy than I now anticipate. I also would be happy if he was truly more bipartisan than he has ever shown to this point.

    I am sorry but if he is truly willing to reach across hte aisle why can he not find one thing Bush or the Republican Congress did right. I can find things that Clinton and Carter did right and Reagan, and both Bushes did wrong.

  7. Okay, Parrot, what did Bush dod right?


  8. Micky 2 says:

    I couldnt be more wrong according to you. But the facts speak differenty.
    I refuse to be like some Obamanite whos eyes are glazed over by hopechangery.
    I have not accused the man of falsehoods that cannot be substantiated as in the case with your constanly flying mistruths against Bush.

    If Obama does win I will not be like the libs that cried when Bush won and were all in need of counseling and threatened to leave the country.
    I will remain in the greatest country on earth with faith that not will the original arguements be used against him (much like the libs original arguements that wont go away no matter what the truth is., oil for blood, he lied men died, 911 was bushs fault etc…) but I will most definitley be able to use arguements against him that will be up to date and current as he seems able to create those arguement on a daily basis. This is what our system allows and is the main reason why Dems loose elections 3 out of 10. Which means that shortly after Obama is(when) elected his clock will start ticking towards Cons once again taking the reins for a span far longer than 4 years.

  9. Argue Obama with the Dems, Micky. I couldn’t care less. All I know is that a McCain administration would be too close to what we have now, and what we have now is complete and total failure.


  10. Micky 2 says:

    Yea right.
    Your assertion that Bushs term is complete and total failure has been proven by me to be a complete and total failure numerous times.
    But of course, like I said above;
    “much like the libs original arguements that wont go away no matter what the truth is., oil for blood, he lied men died, 911 was bushs fault etc…”

    You go ahead and live in la la land and claiming to be so unique as to the point no one knows what party you are connected with. But the fact remains you are voting for a Democrat.
    And Democrats loose, its their nature.
    McCains past accomplishments speak volumes against Obamas.

  11. timbudd says:

    Speaking of Bush, I have been enjoying the Truman comparisons as of late.

  12. parrothead says:

    There are several things I feel President Bush has done right and several he has done wrong. I realize that my list of right things would not be ones you or others who hold different political perspectives will agree with. However, I cannot believe any fair minded Democrat cannot find any good he has doen at all. Maybe they are in things I think were wrong.

    By the way Obama’s people must be reading Eric’s blog and my comments in particular. ;-) Seriously I have to give him credit, in a speech today he said the President deserves credit for a couple of his foreign policy initiatives. I don’t remember the first one but I think it had to do with literacy in third world countries and the second was the RECORD money sent to Africa to fight AIDS.

    Every President has done things which people on both sides of the aisle at least moderately approve of. Bush is no exception. With the exception of William Henry Harrison who did no harm but accomplished nothing either. (Maybe he was our best President since he died before he could screw things ups) ;-)

  13. Bush is no exception? He’s the most unpopular president of the modern age!


  14. Micky 2 says:

    The most unpopular was Carter.
    Hands down true.

  15. Gayle says:

    Did you mention President Bush in this wonderful piece of satire, Eric? If you did, I must have missed it!

    I loved it (your article)! I laughed out loud at this: “I used to think that Clarence Thomas was black and Bill Clinton was white, with David Duke and Jesse Jackson being disgusting in any color. Apparently it is not that simple.” Well, I laughed out loud at several other choice bits too, but that was the first one.

    Excellent work here, Whitey. I commend you! LOL!

  16. parrothead says:

    Point well taken Gayle, but often times the blog comments take a different direction after people put their tow sense worth in. I have ot confess I made my comments about the post to Eric directly on AIM :-)

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