THE TYGRRRR EXPRESS

In 2007, I wrote a Thanksgiving Day column detailing what I was…and was not…thankful for.

Thanksgiving 2008 has me situated in North Carolina. Last night my plane landed, and I met the Chicago Cannonball’s parents for the first time. Although this column was pre-written, pretend otherwise and assume I am still alive to blog.

Below are my 2007 Thanksgiving Day musings with 2008 updates.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Ok, enough sugary nonsense. I am thankful for some things, and less thankful for other things. Surely I can put aside partisan griping on this holiday. No, that is what Yom Kippur is for. Rather than give you something that flows, I feel you all deserve nothing less on this holiday than disjointed musings.

I am thankful for the fact that I have the best parents a guy could ask for. I am thankful that they bought as many groceries as necessary, and never complained that I nearly ate them out of house and home as a teenager. My nickname at the local deli was “The Great White Shark.” My parents fed me well.

I am not thankful for the fact that I have no discipline in a grocery store. My mom had 8 hands, and could put everything back on the shelf. I can’t. I only go grocery shopping 3 or 4 times a year, and how a guy can spend on $193 on groceries and then use his club card and only save $4 is a mystery to me.

2008 Update: No comment.

I am thankful for the fact that there is a writers strike in Hollywood. Liberals cannibalizing their own is quite enjoyable.

I am not thankful for the fact that before, during, and after the strike, television was and remains garbage. Bruce Springsteen wrote “57 channels and nothing on.” I have close to 1000 channels, and outside of the NFL Network, it is slim pickings.

2008 Update: There might be another writers strike very soon. Baseball players and Hollywood personnel make the world a better place when they strike. Television remains garbage and baseball remains boring. I am almost at the point of taking up reading again.

I was thankful that I could finally turn on the news and not have to read about Natalee Holloway.

I am not thankful that the circus started up again. Either find the girl, find some evidence, or leave me alone. Fox News has The O’Holloway Factor at 5pm, Holloway and Colmes at 6pm, and Greta Van Der Sloat at 7pm. I might be forced to watch CNN. I would rather leftist bias that I can filter out on news I care about than a friendly network wasting my time with moldy oldy stories.

2008 Update: Thank God for Sarah Palin. Whether you adore her as much as I do is not the issue. Greta Van Susteren was not only watchable for a few weeks, but actually quite good. Unfortunately, there was a new non-development in the Natalee Holloway case, and she is back to being Greta Van Substanceless, or Greta Van Der Sloot, or whatever derogatory name can be attributed to anybody still covering this story.

I am thankful that I belong to a rich religion in Judaism that has 6000 years of traditions.

I am not thankful for the fact that a bunch of crazy Arabs in the Middle East think they will get 72 virgins for blowing Jews up. Oh, and I wish we had the oil.

2008 Update: They still exist. Oh well.

As awful as the Raiders are, I am thankful it is football season.

I am not thankful for the fact that I still get bored between February and September, mainly because baseball is boring. I say give the NFL players a month off, and have a second season.

2008 Update: Siggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh (uncontrollable sobbing).

I am thankful for the fact that any woman would want to sleep with me, and that enough have…well not enough ever, but enough for this moment.

I am not thankful for the fact that no woman I have ever dated has developed laryngitis. Can a guy watch the game in peace?

I am thankful for republican Jewish brunettes.

I am not thankful for the fact that their republican upbringing often involves being taught about chastity, abstinence, and other issues that make religious people zealots. It is also tragic that the women that want to get buck wild are liberal outside of the bedroom as well, and again, refuse to come down with laryngitis.

I am thankful to live in Los Angeles, where the weather is gorgeous, and the jacuzzi water is perfect year round.

I am not thankful for the fact that Los Angeles is the plastic capital of the world, where women visit my jacuzzi year round only because my dad is a movie producer (actually he is a retired schoolteacher, but mercenaries beget mercenaries).

2008 Update: The Chicago Cannonball and I are doing well. Her parents seem to like me (Again, this column was pre-written from my home in Los Angeles. It is now on the internet and therefore true). The Chicago Cannonball is a Jewish brunette, and 2 out of 3 aint bad.

I am thankful for the fact that I live in America, the greatest nation on Earth.

I am not thankful for the fact that half the population loves America not for what it is, but for what they want it to be. Their prescriptions may have us fleeing to Mexico for a better quality of life in a generation.

2008 Update: Mexicans do not bother me. I am aware that some come here illegally. I am not in favor of law breaking, but as long as illegal aliens don’t vote, they do less to harm America than American liberals. They are also less dangerous to our National Security. They are always hiding, so at least they don’t hold press conferences to complain about everything.

I am thankful for the fact that a guy with screws loose who has unhealthy fascinations with Bea Arthur and Monique from Showtime at the Apollo can become a successful blogger.

I am not thankful for the fact that this country has sunk so low on the lowest common denominator scale that people would spend one minute of their life reading about some blogger that has unhealthy fascinations with Bea Arthur and Monique from Showtime at the Apollo.

2008 Update: Don King is right…Only in America.

I am thankful that in America, anybody can become President, regardless of race, gender, or ethnicity.

I am not thankful for the fact that so many guilty white liberals will vote for empty suits whose only noticeable quality is their race, gender or ethnicity.

2008 Update: The people have spoken, and perhaps now every minority that plays the grievance card will be forced to shut up. A world without Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton…Happy Thanksgiving indeed.

I am thankful that I understand the beauty behind Thanksgiving, and how it represents the spirit of harmony and the resilience of the American spirit.

I am not thankful that I live in a nation where public schools are declining so rapidly that in 20 years they might not know what this holiday is about.

2008 Update: Love your children. Send them to private schools or home school them. Do not terrorize them by sending them to public schools.

I am thankful for the fact that I am free to practice my religion, even though I am not Christian.

I am not thankful for the fact that Christmas starts 2 months in advance, and that the day after Thanksgiving, mothers who preach about peace and love will be trying to kill each other with shopping carts to get the last Elmo, Furby, Garbage Patch Kid, or whatever toy the toy stores tell these sheep to buy.

2008 Update: Give these MILFs some bikinis and a jello wrestling ring and watch the fun.

I am thankful that Ebay and Craigslist allow me to avoid the malls altogether.

I am not thankful for the fact that hot women in their 20s have to go to the mall, rather than just try on their miniskirts in front of my home mirror, with a rose in their teeth, and my teeth through their miniskirts.

2008 Update: Trolling for barely legal mall @ss is so 2007.

I am thankful that America has the military force to blow up nations like Iran and Syria that could use a good @sskicking.

I am not thankful for the fact that bombing these nations into the stone age will not improve them because they are already there.

2008 Update: Pebble Beach is in talks with the PGA Tour to hold the 2010 Damascus open as soon as the 50,000 hole golf course is built.

I am thankful that circumstances have led to a holiday that is marked by sleeping in late, watching football, eating meat, getting stuffed, and then going back to sleep. Heck, we even have a food that is named after the concept of getting stuffed, aka stuffing.

2008 Update: I will not be watching football. While I am not thrilled about this, the Detroit Lions are 0-11 and getting worse. They play the Titans who are 10-0. It does not make for a competitive match. My flight back to Los Angeles is on Saturday, allowing Sunday to remain sacred.

I would like to thank God, my family, my friends, and my readers, for indulging me. I have a platform, and I am grateful that I am still liked even though I have never once used this platform responsibly or in a way that would improve society.

2008 Update: Insert semi-heartfelt platitudinous warm and fuzzy sentiment here.

Happy Politically Incorrect Overindulgent Eating Meat and Watching Football Day!

2008 Update: To make up for the lack of football, I might have to eat twice as much.

As for the Chicago Cannonballl’s parents, they are not into football, and don’t share my politics. I have no idea if I will have a single thing in common with them.

Then again, I do not have a single thing in common with my own parents, and I get along with them more than 50% of the time.

From the Carolinas, a Happy Thanksgiving to all.

eric

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 27th, 2008 at 12:42 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.