Hanukkah 2008–Iran is still nuts

Although I am not an environmentalist, I am recycling Hanukkah columns for several reasons. My internet has been dreadful since a power failure several days ago, and while some of my columns are badly written and lacking relevant time value, somehow my Hanukkah columns fail to meet that threshold. It could be because this one deals with Iran, and they are, were, and may always be nuts.

Before getting to the 2007 rehash with occasional 2008 updates, I was given the best Hanukkah presents a guy could ask for. The Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers went into overtime on Monday Night Football, a fabulous way of showing honor to the working man. More importantly, I received a package from Idaho today from one of our vendors filled with…MEAT!

Ribeyes, flanks, choice cuts…beef aplenty. I can’t stop staring at it. Between the cubes and the filets and the ground chuck…I cry with joy thinking about it. Later tonight will be steak heaven, and NFL Week 17 this coming Sunday, the 8th Hanukkah night, will be the beef equivalent of hog heaven.

I am too choked up to say any more. To quote Mike Myers from an old Saturday Night Live episode, “I am feclempt in the genechtichazoid. I have a little shpilkas.” Now to party like it’s 2007, and refocus my attention from meat to meatballs, that being the Mullahs of Iran, after a few more pointless stories.

As the wonderful holiday of Hanukkah entered its second night, Jewish people engaged in behavior that strict Islam forbids, that being drinking alcohol and gambling.

The Jewish religion is loaded with alcohol. We even have two drinking holidays, one in March and one in September. Sometimes we show solidarity with our Catholic brethren when the March one coincides with St. Patricks Day. Before delving into the consequences of alcohol, a happy Hanukkah story for you.

Two religious Jews in a synagogue could not find a Menorah with less than an hour before the first night of Hanukkah. Yes, I still remain incredulous that a synagogue would not have a Menorah laying around, but I witnessed this incident myself. These two very enterprising young men quickly between them drank 8 bottles of beer. A Menorah actually has holes for 9 candles, with one of them being higher than the other 8. Therefore, these two creative, but at this point inebriated men drank a bottle of what they referred to as “Rabbi Smirnoff.”

At this point these devoted, pious, and completely blitzed individuals did what any blasted individuals would do at this point…play with matches. By taking candles and lighting them, this created wax. The wax was used to fuse the bottles of beer and vodka together to form a makeshift Menorah. In a reversal on the story of Hanukkah, they had enough alcohol for 8 nights, but miracle of miracles, they drank it all on the first night.

I remember these two guys dancing on the table that night. While they were highly entertaining, the lesson I learned from that night is that for those who want to witness human stupidity, just add alcohol, mix, and wait.

It is in this spirit of overindulging on spirits that I bring up the issue of Iran. Liberals everywhere have just declared world peace, and I can only hope that they all came back from a drinking party at Ted Kennedy’s compound. Otherwise, an entire political party is engaging in mind boggling stupidity, reminding us again that, to quote rock group Spinal Tap, “The more it stays the same, the less it changes.”

The National Intelligence Estimate has stated that Iran stopped trying to pursue Nuclear Weapons in 2003. The implications are that Iran is no longer a dangerous threat to the world, President Bush knew about this, and he purposely and dastardly hid this information so that the Neocons could deliberately wage war with Iran.

Ok liberals, put down the peace pipes and stop smoking whatever illegal substance is inside them. Once again, the suicide of logical reasoning needs to be stopped before we invite Armageddonijad to Friday night synagogue services for jelly donuts, latkes (potato pancakes) and games of Dreidel.

The report is called the NIE, which stands for National Intelligence…what was that word again? Oh yeah…estimate. It is not called the NIC, or National Intelligence Certainty.

Why is it that reports of countries trying to kill America and blow up the world are considered sketchy, but that countries refusing to murder us are taken at face value, no questions asked?

Iraq was thought to have WMD. They were never found, leading many to think President Bush lied, or at worst was incompetent. I have maintained that Saddam did have WMD, he hid them in Syria, and even if there were no WMD, I never cared. The left said we were waging war over WMD because they desperately wanted to have it both ways, depending upon how the war went. We went to war to get rid of Saddam, and we were right.

Libya learned form the Iraq War. Iran did not. Khadafi decided to become normal. Armageddonijad went bonkers.

Saddam acted like he had WMD. Even if he was lying, who cares? If a group claims responsibility for a terrorist attack that they are innocent of just so they can burnish the Arab version of “Street Cred,” then they deserve to get blown to kingdom come.

Armageddonijad is acting like he is on the verge of nuclear weapons. It is he who is saber rattling, not George W. Bush.

Can the NIE be right? Yes. Does it matter? No. Should we blow up Iran anyway? Yes.

Yes, you all heard me correctly. I am advocating that either Iran immediately decides to knock it off, or they and Syria will be turned into 50,000 hole golf courses. They fund Hamas and Hezbollah. They control the world’s supply of oil. They think we are imperialist now? Let’s show them some real imperialism. The slogan can be “kick their @ss and take their gas.”

Jews live today to celebrate Hanukkah due to one thing and one thing only, and that is the appropriate use of overwhelming military force.

I say again that we should take an American flag and shove it up Armageddonijad’s hide until he goes to the toilet red, white and blue. Given his love for the Jewish people, we can hang the Israeli flag from his two tiny weapons of mass sexual dysfunction. In fact, in the same way we brought down Noriega with rock music, we can do the same with Armageddonijad. I recommend George Thorogood and the Destroyers singing, “Move over little dog, there’s a mean old dog moving in.” That big dog’s name is America.

Respected republican pollster Frank Luntz emphasized that the Israelis do not believe the NIE report, and while my heart bleeds American, Israeli intelligence is the best in the world. So before we start inviting Armageddonijad to go shopping with us at the holiday sales at Bloomingdales, let’s keep in mind that this fellow, despite being an honorary Poison Ivy Leaguer, is a terrorist.

He played a direct role in the taking of American hostages. Every one of those 444 days back in 1980 was connected to him. He funds worldwide terrorism.

One does not need to down bottles of Rabbi Smirnoff to understand that this guy is a lunatic who on the surface is not afraid to die. Ask, and he should receive.

The Greeks tried to kill us off, and today Jews celebrate Hanukkah. The Romans tried, and as impressive as their empire was, Israel at the least matches Italy. The Germans tried, and the third Reich lasted 12 years. The Arabs try every few years inbetween plotting to kill each other.

Thousands of years later, we will not back down from a madman that wants to wipe Israel off of the map. If he truly does not have WMD, then he can let in inspectors…or we can wait until planes fly into towers, at which point the Jayson Blair Times will blame the republican president for not “doing something to prevent this.”

2008 Update: As much as Obama will get credit for things that began before he took office and be absolved of blame for things that he can claim began before he took office, one thing even the Obamamessiah cannot duck is a potential attack on America. If we are attacked, people will all of a sudden remember that President Bush kept us safe. Even the Jayson Blair Times might reevaluate things, although the terrorists would most likely spare the JBT building. After all, it does not make sense to kill allies. Besides, I think they recruit there anyway, when not visiting their West Coast Campuses to find John Walker Lindh and his new friends in the Facebook Jihad Group.

We can try crippling sanctions until the country cracks, which would only hurt the Iranian people. North Korea is proof that this can fail. Or, we can repeal the law banning political assassinations, and take the madmen of Iran out. That includes every Mufti, Mullah, Ayatollah, Ayamufti, Muftitolah, and other multisyllabic hybrids that are merely Persian for the word “terrorists.”

Some will say that if we act this way, then they will. They already are, or did people not notice a British woman being threatened with death for a teddy bear named after the Prophet? Perhaps people forgot about Daniel Pearl and Theo Van Gogh.

2008 Update: Mumbai India…Arab Muslim Terrorists murdered Jews and peace loving Indians. Liberals responded by pointing out that they hate George W. Bush, and it was all his fault. Conservatives debated whether to drop their pro-life views so that liberals would have as many abortions as possible to prevent more future apologists.

Enough is enough. Iran is claiming they will soon have weapons. The NIE report to me is toilet paper. It can be used to clean up the Mullah’s palaces when they are eliminated.

At the very bare minimum, which is all I ever expect from the left anyway, let’s be calm about this NIE report. Armageddonijad is a serious problem. World peace did not break out today.

I want to celebrate Hanukkah next year with my fellow Jews. I also want to celebrate July 4th with my fellow Americans. This cannot be done if we are wiped off of the map. Just because some report by a flawed agency says that it will not happen tomorrow does not mean we should forget about the day after that.

Off to play Dreidel while listening to my favorite 1950s songs,”Yakkety Yak, Bomb Iraq,” by the Coasters, and “Bomb Iran,” by the Beach Boys.

2008 Update: It is one thing for a private citizen and blogger that gets ripped daily by some of his own readers to sing songs of blowing up infidels. It is another for Presidential candidate to do so.

I still think it’s funny, and I still think America should print as many offensive cartoons as possible. Some will say that will make us hated. Oh the horror…hateful savages that believe in violence may act like savages and resort to violence.

Besides, if we do shove the Israeli flag up Armageddonijad’s hide, we can then spin him around and see which way he lands. I think I just invented a new religious game.

Spin the Mullah! It’s time to serve up Latkes and play Armadreidelijad!


4 Responses to “Hanukkah 2008–Iran is still nuts”

  1. I love that story about the Menorah!

    I wouldn’t kid yourself about “liberals” and Iran. We’re under no illusions about them. Iran has some very serious problems. Theocracy is not exactly a liberal’s idea of Utopia. We’re also not under any illusions that Iran is some comic-book Hall of Villainy plotting to blow up the world at every turn. In fact, Iran has never attacked anyone in modern history. As irrational as a theocracy must be, humans beings in a theocracy will still maintain a modicum of rationality. Iran, like every other state, has it’s interests of powers, and rarely is it in the interest of any power to commit suicide. That’s why the MAD theory of the Cold War actually proved true. Remember that and you’ll have a more happy and less fearful Hanukkah. ;)


  2. Micky 2 says:

    ” wouldn’t kid yourself about “liberals” and Iran. We’re under no illusions about them.”

    Yea right.
    Thats why Obama said that we shouldnt worry about countries like Venezuela (Russian ships on their way there as we speak) or N. Korea,
    (collaborating on a nuclear weapons program with Syria) or Iran.

    Obama says that Iran isn’t a real threat because they spend “1/100th” of what we spend on weapons or defense.
    Well, seeing as how Al Queda doesnt spend nearly as much as Iran maybe its about time we took out Iran.
    Carter thinks he can just grace them with his precense and everything will be cool.
    People like you think that they should be left alone or catered too like the Palestinians who are supported by them.

    Yea, I think its not only fair but entirely accurate to say that you guys have some serious “illusion” problems.
    At times it seems like you’re all on acid thinking you can put on a cape and fly.

    Of course, in all fairness Obama came out of his first security briefing where he finally was informed as to what the “REAL” deal was and acting like he’d seen a ghost went back on every foreign policy promise he made during the campaign.

    Loose the cold war comparison already, there is none.
    When a country does have nukes pointed at you only an idiot would “not” talk to them

  3. Right, Micky. Lets murder millions of Persians. Merry Christmas.


  4. Micky 2 says:

    But you’re OK with waiting til they kill millions of Jews ?

    Do the math.

    Millions of Jews have already been killed.
    They are facing an enemy with the same intent, again.
    That enemy said they should kill millions of Jews.
    That enemy is the single largest sponsor of terrorism in the world.
    That enemy is not being very transparent over its nuke program(s)
    That enemy is activley killing Jews and Americans as we speak.

    Also, you make a false argument on my behalf, put words in my mouth.

    You and the rest of the looney left need to cut back on the bleeding heart fear mongering.

    You and the rest of your ilk should know, if you were informed at all, that any strike to Iran would be an air strike taking out primary and specific targets only.
    American boots would probably never touch Iranian soil.
    This scenario has already been laid out by credible military strategists
    There would be no “murder of millions of Persians”.
    More than likely the only casualties would be those whithin range of the target(s)
    Its not just you who is aware of the fact Irans majority is not happy with its leadership, no matter who their spokesperson is.

    The question you should be asking yourself is “how many more innocent Jews must die before something gets done ?

    In an essence, you are lying when you suggest that I said we should kill millions of Persians.

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