Happy Hal Levine 2009–Terrorists and Liberals still frighten me

Happy Hal Levine everybody. I do love the Jewish holiday season.

As is tradition, my fiends (and friends) and I will be attending the freak show in West Hollywood, followed by an awesome after party. For the first time in years, I will going stag. I will not have arm candy dressed in a slutty costume. I will be forced to observe the slutty costumes of other women. Oh, the torture.

Before getting to what frightens me in this life, below is my 2007 Hal Levine column.

Hal Levine, Wizards, and Scary Liberals

Now I offer you some music dedications.

The Monster Mash–It was a graveyard smash, and it is dedicated to anti-Semite and Barack Obama adviser Samantha Power. Her hostility towards Israel did not get her kicked off the campaign trail, but calling Hillary Clinton a monster did. At least regarding her anti-Semitism and her anti-Hillarydom, she was honest. now she is back.

Dead Man’s Party–Who could ask for more, Oingo Boingo fans? This has to be dedicated to the Democrats. I am a proud Republican, and we are finally  revived and revved up and ready to prevent a frightening socialistic nation.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy–For all of you Great White Fans out there, I dedicate that song to the American people who decided that one Clinton was more than enough. They were not going to try another one that was twice as scary as the first one. i know it is a year later, so maybe I should reserve that song for Thanksgiving.

Eat the Rich–Aerosmith lives on, and rocker guitarist Joe Perry has announced that he has always been a  Republican. So not only is there a Republican in Boston, but it is one of the coolest guys on Earth. I dedicated “Eat the Rich,” to billionaire leftists like Barbra Streisand, Jane Fonda, and Susan Sarandon, who love to bash rich people for some hypocritical reason, most likely self loathing.

As for the top 5 things that frighten me:

5) People stealing my money, or as liberals call it, “fairness.” My friend Jonathan Hoenig wrote a brilliant column about this subject. He is the head sled at Capitalist Pig Asset Management. He is a proud Capitalist Pig and so am I.



4) Angry feminists, as if that is not redundant. I refuse to link to the Hillary Clinton website, but trust me…she is one scary woman. No wonder Bubba sleeps with one eye open.

3) The Axis of Anti-Semitism, aka the Daily Kos, Huffington Post, and Moveon.org. I am sure there are more frighteningly dreadful human beings elsewhere, but this is where the undead gather together to drink the blood of Republicans, Jews, and other enemies they need to cleanse their tainted souls with. Unfortunately, unlike most Ghouls, come November 1st these monsters will still exist.

2) Terrorists. Yes, despite what liberals tell you, they still exist. Now liberals may get confused, and think that I am referring to George W. Bush. No, that would only be valid if you belong to the evil ghastly groups listed above. Terrorists want to kill us, and Barack Obama has a plan. He will ask them nicely to stop. Besides, while he himself is not a terrorist, or even a hateful scary creature, he sure does have many of them as former official advisers.

Rashid Khalidi is a terrorist and thankfully is no longer an adviser, at least not overtly. Some argue this point by saying that Khalidi is a respected professor at Columbia. “Respected Professor at Columbia” is like “Tough Diplomacy” or “Jews for Jesus.” It is contradictory. If you despise Israel and the United States, and are willing to have Armageddonijad at your school but not ROTC, than you are qualified to work at Columbia and little else.



The only job less prestigious is to be an editor for some rag magazine like the Los Angeles Times. Every day is Halloween for the Western version of Al Jazeera. The smell of the night is not old pumpkins or corpses come to life…it is the Los Angeles Time laying in its own rancid filth.

I wish we could relocate the Los Angeles Times building to Seattle, which would be happy to accept their smugness.

Yet as much as I am terrified of an Obama Presidency since it would destroy virtually everything that is good and decent in this world, one thing still frightens me more on this Halloween.

1) Rosie O’Donnell naked. This used to be Bea Arthur, but let her rest in peace. Yes folks, the movie “Airheads,” remains one of the greatest movies ever made, behind “Deuce Bigalow” and a couple of other movies cheated out of Oscars. It was a close call between Rosie O’Donnell and Henry Waxman,  who have never been seen simultaneously.
As for Bea, Is it that wrong for a guy to believe in family values, while watching the video “Golden Showers With the Golden Girls” on a Saturday night?

Ok, perhaps it is.

I wish you all many treats, and no more tricks. That means Barack Obama needs to stop lying about everything from his tax plans to his healthcare plans to…well virtually everything else actually.

I am scared of Tuesday’s election since I am always scared. The woman whose name sounds like Fozzie Bear dropped out today, and I will have more to say on Monday about Doug Hoffman and New York’s 23rd district.

I will have plenty to say about Waxboy as well, since he, Obama, and Rahm Emanuel are the kings of scary thuggish tactics in silencing opposition.

I may wake up to a liberal nightmare on November 4th. So I guess by comparison, October 31st will be tame, safe, and moderately sane.

At least I get to play football today with my Slamathon friends, now known as “Kidd Da Baby.”

Happy Hal Levine everybody, and for you heretics, Halloween!

Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets–

(Jets by 3, they cover)

San Francisco 49ers @ Indianapolis Colts–

(Colts by 12, they win but fail to cover)

Cleveland Browns @ Chicago Bears–

(Bears by 13.5, they win but fail to cover)
Seattle Seahawks @ Dallas Cowboys–

(Cowboys by 9.5, they win but fail to cover)

Houston Texans @ Buffalo Bills–

(Texans by 3.5, upset special, Bills win outright)

Denver Broncos @ Baltimore Ravens–

(Ravens by 3.5, upset special, Broncos win outright)
St. Louis Rams @ Detroit Lions–

(Lions by 4, they win but fail to cover)

New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles–

(Eagles by 1, upset special, Giants win outright)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans–

(Titans by 3, upset special, Jaguars win outright)

Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers–

(Chargers by 16.5, they win but fail to cover)

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers–

(Packers by 3, upset special, Vikings win outright)

Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals–

(Cardinals by 10, they win but fail to cover)

Atlanta Falcons @ New Orleans Saints is the Monday Night game.

(Saints by 10, they win but fail to cover)


One Response to “Happy Hal Levine 2009–Terrorists and Liberals still frighten me”

  1. Boo!

    Is there anything that doesn’t frighten conservatives? You guys see a bogeyman under everybed, a monster in every closet. I guess that’s why you pull the blankets over your heads and just live out your days in a pretend world; where greed is good, success is measured in weath alone, productivity has nothing to do with producing anything, war is peace, liberties are obstacles, and rights are given by a pretend God who informs only you as to when they are alienable.

    Happy Halloween! Boo! Wait… stop running! I’m not really a ghost! Hey! Come back!


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