Black Friday

Like many of you, I enjoyed a good Swanson dinner derivative yesterday and watched 9 hours of football plus highlights, or in the case of the Raiders, lowlights.

Thanksgiving Thursday is in the bag, and now it is time for Black Friday 2009.

That reminds me, I really hate it when I try to write a column and I keep getting interrupted. Anyway, the interruption is not your concern. It has already passed for now. Back to Black Friday.

(Not to be confused with “Back in Black Friday,” a pre-weekend party ritual involving lots of rock group ACDC and people in short skirts. Sadly, it is men, and they are kilts.)

I am so sick and tired of these politically correct holidays. Look, having a holiday for Martin Luther King Jr. is fine. Black history month is fine, although I have no idea why February was chosen instead of January. Wouldn’t it make sense to have MLK Day be during black history month?

The truth behind that is that racist white politicians made a deal with black leaders, a sort of compromise. February used to be 31 days. To balance the lunar calendar with the solar calendar, three days needed to be eliminated from the calendar. The compromise gave February as black history month, but February was reduced from 31 to 28 days.

Yet at some point Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson need to stop meddling. Do we really need another million man march today? This whole black Friday thing is just another feel good ebonics type…

Wait, hold on one second. Somebody just slipped me a piece of paper. Well now, this is embarrassing. Apparently black Friday has nothing to do with race or politics.

Ok, so black Friday obviously deals with Wall Street. Can we all stop whining about the stock market? Trading is always light the day after Thanksgiving, so even a market drop today really should not be overanalyzed. Stocks go up, stocks go down. Stop being glued to CNBC. It’s not like CNBC is the NFL Network or ESPN. Get lives.

Oh no, another interruption and another piece of paper. Apparently those reading the front page of the Wall Street Journal can just skip and go to the editorial pages. Black Friday has nothing to do with the stock market or any financial matter.

Ok, in sports news, today is Silver and Black Friday. I would like to congratulate the Oakland Raiders on a spectacular victory. The ticker tape parade is in order. It is about time the team started winning and…

Sheesh, can a guy write a sports column without being bothered. Well apparently another note scribbled in crayon has confirmed that the Raiders lost again, and that black Friday is not happening in Oakland or anywhere else due to anything sports related.

So if it is not about sports, politics, or business, then a certain individual who is not even close to being well rounded is unaware of black Friday.

That’s it. It is historical. We are back in the dark ages. Some people worry about bird or swine flu. We should be worrying about the resurgence of the Bubonic plague. Oh lord, I knew we should have quarantined those kids today. Now they will be sick all weekend. I am not an expert on medicine but…

You know, these notes are beginning to make me feel like I don’t know what I am talking about, even more way off base than usual.

I can’t stand the hassle of trying to write this column. I need peace and quiet away from everybody. I need a place where I can be by myself.

That’s it. I can go to the mall. After all, Thanksgiving is over, people are back at work, and the stores should be empty.

Hey, who and where is the person throwing spitballs at me? Oh, they are big notes. Hmm, apparently black Friday is about soccer moms killing each other over some Furby, Elmo, Garbage Patch Kid, or other toy that is to be given at another holiday celebrating peace and love.

(In a tangent even irrelevant for this column, one hilarious guys t-shirt I saw had a downward pointing arrow with a sign that said, “Tickle THIS Elmo.”)

Do they call it black Friday because the women give each other black eyes when fighting over the last toy?

If only there was a solution.

Actually, there is. Forget swine flu. The only pork product of today is pig Latin. The word “be,” as in “to be or not to be,” in pig Latin is pronounced “eBay.”

I don’t even have to leave my condo today. Heck, I can eat my lunch, watch more football highlights, buy sports stuff, and…well whatever else it is that people do.

I think I will take a nap. Off to close the shades, close my eyes, and block out all of the interruptions and distractions.

Now THAT is black Friday I can believe in.

Now shut the heck up Elmo. I am trying to sleep.


One Response to “Black Friday”

  1. I still can’t figure out how they get larger orders through those tiny internets tubes?

    Now, just for people like our good host, we have Cyber Monday! Even he can’t escape the nomen-madness! Bwaaahahaha… er, uh, Hohohoho… or, uh, Sov Sov Sov Sov!!!

    And just to make things a little wierder for our good host, now we even have “Green Hannukah,” employing the “miracle of the oil” as a metaphor (or literal example?) for energy conservation! Apparently the Old Testament God was sort like Ed Shultz – frighteningly angry but genuinely progressive!

    I’m all for “Green” this and “Cyber” that, but at some point you have to wonder… Oh, will the Season ever cease it’s insanity?

    Probably not.

    I, like our good host, sort of just “opt-out” (another new catchy expression) of all this. I wouldn’t go out window-shopping on Black Friday any more than I would if it was Cyber-Green Friday.

    It’s funny that our good host mentions that “Black Friday has nothing to do with the stock market or any financial matter.” Actually, that’s how it got it’s name – from a financial crisis back in the 19th century. Financial hanky-panky is capitalism’s oldest profession. Back then, it was hanky-panky (old expression) on the Gold Exchange. That reminds me of all this radio hosts and TV hacks trying to get people to buy more gold – when it’s at it’s highest price ever. Buy low, sell high? Naaaaaaahhhhh… That’s ol’ thinkin’ in the box! Buy high, hope for higher! Now I know why Rush Limbaugh wants Obama to “fail” – so that gold gets even pricier! It’s also funny how gold (and silver, and some kinds of rubbish known as frankinsense and myrhh) has been attached to the Christmas Tradtion. Jesus doesn’t exactly strike me as a particularly materialistic character. I don’t recall any “blessed are the shiny objects,”… which brings “Prosperity Gospel” to mind. It’s based on something called the “Law of Reciprocity,” or as I call it, “the Myth of Karmatic Wealth Accrual.” I guess, if you’re going to be honest about it, a Prosperity-Prayer should go something like this: Oh Lord Jesus, can I have a pile of gold, pleeeeeeeaaaaaase??? Apparently, though, Lynn Robinson, guru of psychosis, came up with this:

    “The Prosperity Prayer”

    Dear God —

    I surrender my financial affairs and concerns about money to your Divine care and love.

    I ask that you remove my worries, anxieties and fears about money, and replace them with faith.

    I know and trust that my debts will be paid and money will flow into my life.

    I have only to look to nature to see proof of the abundance you provide.

    I release all negative thoughts about money, and know that prosperity is my true state.

    I commit to being grateful for all that I now have in my life.

    I learn to manage my finances wisely, seeking help where needed.

    And finally, I ask you to help me understand my purpose in life and to act on that purpose with courage and strength. I know that prosperity will come, in part, by doing work I love. Please help me use my skills and knowledge to be of service in the world.

    Thank you, God.


    Now I know what to buy on Cyber Monday! QuickBooksJehovah!


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