The Jewish Christmas Question

For those celebrating the holiday of Christmas, I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Yet every Christmas, my Jewish friends face a very serious dilemma.

What do we do?

Sure, we can sit home all day, and when Christmas falls on a Sunday, NFL Football makes that a very appropriate decision. This evening I will be watching the Tennessee Titans take on the San Diego Chargers in a matchup with major AFC playoff implications.

Yet what about people who do not watch football?

As tempted as I am to have them quarantined, the Constitution gives them the right to exist. What do Jewish people do on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Growing up there were three options.

1) Movie theatres.

2) Chinese food.

3) Bowling alleys.

Sneaking the Chinese food into the theatre was especially difficult.

Thankfully some Jewish entrepreneurs came up with some good ideas.

December 24th is now the biggest Jewish party night of the year. Singles all over the country attend parties in major cities everywhere. In some cities the party is called the “Matzoh Ball.” In Los Angeles one of them is called “Schmoozapalooza.” I am attending one in LA known simply as “The Ball.”

I prefer to be in another city because I know in LA I will run into some burned bridges. I prefer the one in Miami. The women don’t know me, and 75 degrees at 5am makes for some hot nights. I wish more women in LA danced on tables. New York is out of the question because I hate cold weather. Besides, the girls in South Florida are from New York anyway.

On Christmas Day, there is Rabbi Mendel “Schwartzie” Schwartz throwing his annual “Not a Christmas party during the day. In 2005 I met a girl at one of his Passover Seders, and we dated for seven months. So Schwartzie has cred in my book.

Some people are not single. Be quiet and sit down. You don’t need anything to do. Talk to your spouse.

In the mornings, there is always sleeping in. Remember, it is a day off from work.

So between sleeping in, Jewish partying, and football, this is turning out to be the best December 25th ever.

As for my Christian brothers and sisters, I have always felt bad that your religion conflicts with the NFL, especially on the West Coast. May your tivo work perfectly and nobody ruin the score for you until you get to watch it. Just in case, say an extra prayer at Mass that your idiot cousin doesn’t flap his gums or hand you a newspaper with the results.

Peace on Earth, good will toward men, and make sure your fridge is stocked. It is many hours until the 26th.


2 Responses to “The Jewish Christmas Question”

  1. Well, I’m an atheist, but I still sorta “celebrate” Christmas. If I had kids, I’d go all out, but since I don’t, I don’t. But I do enjoy the specials and movies and sports on TV, and the year in review shows, and two out of every three years or so I’ll put up decorations and a tree. After all, I guess you could say I’m a Jeffersonian Christian – that it that I do appreciate and try to live by the moral tenets of Christianity (the Golden Rule, kindness toward the least amongst us, minimalism, etc), but I have no interest in miracles, or worshipping superbeings, or all that magic nonsense. I don’t want to be “saved,” I don’t need to be forgiven, and I sure as hell am not going to drop to my knees for anyone, unless they have a gun to my head and even then all I’ll be think is “How am I gonna get even for this?”

    But if you look at what Christmas is all about – being with family, feasting, gift-giving, etc, that’s all very nice and worth celebrating. After all, it is a co-opted pagan holiday (actually, a co-opted bunch of various pagan holidays), and really doesn’t have much at all to do with the Christain faith. A couple of hunderd years ago it was an afterthought as far as “Holy days” went. The “reason for the season” is a crock. If there was no feasting and gift-giving and family gathering, no one would pay much attention to it anyway.

    As you’ve mentioned before, Hannukah was once more of an after-thought of a holiday until Christmas got really big, and then Jews felt the need to make a bigger deal out of the days so their kids didn’t feel left out.

    So whatever you celebrate and why and how, enjoy. You don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy Christmas (though I really think you have to be Jewish to enjoy regel krosha).


  2. adagioinb says:

    My son & I regularly go to a movie on Christmas.
    And yesterday, our Christmas dinner was observed at a local Chinese buffet, where I tried out my new chopsticks in a carrying case he got me for Christmas!
    And we’re Christians!

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