Readers of the Tygrrrr Express know that the unofficial motto of this blog is to never let principles get in the way of my own personal desires. They also know that I use fake headlines to see how many imbecilic liberal bloggers will link to me without reading the column because they think I agree with their wretched views.
While I have been a staunch supporter of Wisconsin Governor Walker, I now think he should step down.
No, I have not lost my conservative mind. I think he is fabulous. I would like to see him crush the unions and make them cry their eyes out in the town square. I would be fine with him hiring a bounty hunter to capture the missing Wisconsin Democrats. Put out a reward notice like we did with Arab terrorists in Afghanistan. Heck, waterboard protesters until one of them gives up the location of the AWOL leftist “leaders.”
Yet while I am totally committed to Governor Walker’s policy agenda, some things are more important than policy.
Lieutenant Governor Rebecca Kleefisch is gorgeous.
I want her beautiful face and flowing raven colored hair on my television every day. With Sarah Palin taking a lower profile and Michele Bachmann doing interviews more selectively, there is a shortage of brunette Republican Goddesses on television.
Those claiming sexism for worshiping at the altar of female beauty should can it. An entire industry called Hollywood exists where talent and substance are as illegal as illegal substances themselves.
Lt. Governor Kleefisch is every bit as conservative as Governor Walker but much hotter. This is not to disrespect Governor Walker. He is handsome enough, although not nearly as handsome as Paul Ryan. Yet the red and blue diagonal necktie look just does not do it for me. I have nothing against the gay community, but I am heterosexual. I was born this way. Just respect that.
She is also Jewish. Actually, she is not, but she has a Jewish sounding last name. Close enough. She is Christian, and Christians came from Jews anyway. Therefore she is Jewish.
(Several Rabbis are going to send me hate mail for that one. They are already married with kids, so they can pipe down and let a single Jewish Republican blogger loosely interpret the laws.)
Some will say that Lt. Governor Kleefisch is already married. Rumor has it that her family is entirely fictional, that they came with the wallet. She shows those pictures just so men will stop hitting on her. The fact that I started these rumors is irrelevant.
She is also a selfless woman. A woman as stunning as her could be rolling around on a beach in Barbados, but instead she spends time in the cold Wisconsin weather to serve America.
I forgot what I was saying. I distracted myself with the images of her and Barbados.
What was I saying again? Oh yeah, Lieutenant Governor Kleefisch is hot…really hot.
The only downside to this is that she melts the snow, and the snow is the only thing keeping the weaker protesters at bay.
No wonder liberals are always so angry and conservatives are happy. We have Palin, Bachmann and Kleefisch. They have Helen Thomas and Madeleine Albright.
Anyway, if Governor Walker refuses to resign, he needs to take a lower profile. For those wondering how a white, Midwestern Governor can possibly take a lower profile, I admit that is a challenge. Outside of Wisconsin, Governor Walker would most likely be mistaken for the local CPA. Given that it is tax season, I am sure California liberals would go up to him and demand their refund, as he explains that they have to pay taxes and actually work to get money back.
Lieutenant Governor Kleefisch should be the public face of every conservative organization on Earth. She is a bright woman, but no matter how intelligent her remarks, that is not enough. She should end every single press conference by batting her eyelashes and tossing her hair.
I would say more, but I just received an email message stating that the Wisconsin Secret Service has put a bounty on me. Apparently her husband is not fictional, and not amused.
I get into too much trouble on this blog. I guess the only solution is to somehow avoid noticing hot women.
I am therefore altering my position again and demanding that all hot women be banned from television. They are distracting. Governor Kleefisch should be demoted back to Lieutenant Governor, and Governor Walker can continue to lead provided he keeps it as bland as possible.
It was sweet while it lasted Lieutenant Governor Kleefisch. I will never forget these moments.
Well Governor Walker, since my plan to wed your Lieutenant Governor failed, I am now grumpy. Do something to cheer me up.
Go crush some unions.
eric
Slow news day?