How I began my End of Days day

For those who actually care, today is Armed Services Day. I will be speaking to the Rhode Island Republican Assembly.

For everyone else, today is End of Days day.

Before getting to that, condolences to the family of Randy “Macho Man” Savage. The professional wrestler and Slim Jim spokesman died in a car accident at age 58. In honor of his passing, the Village People song “Macho Man” should be played. Mr. Savage did have a well toned body. He will be missed.

Now back to the End of Days.

It occurred to me at Midnight EST that the world was still here. Sean Hannity came on, although to be fair to those predicting the end of the world, it was a rerun from 3 hours earlier.

There were no reports out of Australia of any major events, so I am assuming that nation still exists as well.

Since New York is the global hub of the financial world and America is the Great Satan, let’s assume that the End of Days is based on East Coast Time.

One hour into the End of Days saw Hannity end. I would have reported on the Glenn Beck rerun, but I was already sleep.

I figured if it was the End of Days, I would honor “the Gambler” Kenny Rogers. “The best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.”

Approximately 8 hours later, it was 10am EST. Even if one had forgotten to change the clocks last month, enough time still had past.

I do recall Oral Roberts once saying that if his parishioners did not donate 4.5 million dollars, God was going to call him home. Luckily enough money came in and he lived.

A tire salesman claimed that he would be called home if he sold less than $80,000 in tires. He only sold $68,000. Yet in a shocking turn of events, he lived.

I could claim that Israel being attacked by Arabs signaled the apocalypse, but it actually signals a typical day.

Also, can one cheat the End of Days day by getting a time machine and going back in time before the End of Days? Comedian Stephen Wright said that he once flew Air Bazaar. “Leave any Monday, they bring you back the previous Friday.”

If this truly is the Rapture, does that mean Blondie is the Messiah? “I once had love, and it was a gas. It soon turned out, she had a heart of glass.”

If this is the Rapture, does this mean all of these religious questions are finally answered? Am I right or wrong? Is this his first or second visit? At least if this is the End of Days we would have closure. According to ZZ Top, “Jesus just left Chicago,” and is bound for New Orleans.

If this is the Rapture, we need an official song for those who are not (shame on you) fans of Blondie. I recommend either “Mama said there’d be days like this,” or “May the circle be unbroken.”

I still feel Jewish, but then again I really do not feel much this morning since I am kind of tired.

Is it any coincidence that the movie “End of Days” contained Arnold Schwarzenegger? It is pretty close to End of Days for him if he gets in any more trouble. As for California, it was End of Days years ago.

Gabriel Byrne was also in that movie as well as the one about Kaiser Sose, so maybe he is one of the Usual Suspects ending our days.

(Tom Cruise has nothing to do with this. That was Days of Thunder. There were no weather predictions or talk of God troubling the water on End of Days day. Building an Ark may not be necessary.)

In Alaska and Norway, End of Days is just a geographical anomaly. 18 hours of darkness per day is mighty depressing. They are looking forward to the End of Nights. In case anyone cares, the longest Day is June 21st and the Longest Yard featured Burt Reynolds. He also was in another movie with Dom DeLuise called “The End.”

Anyway, time to celebrate the rest of End of Days day by going back to sleep and taking a nap. Sloth is a sin, but if we do not exist any more I can be as slothful as I please.

Tomorrow I will reveal the real End of Days day. The year is correct but not the month.

Until then, happy End of Days day. May your day or night have a good ending or beginning.


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