The Anthony Weiner Movie

When a Jewish person dies, we sit “Shiva” (mourn) for seven days. Yet Jewish celebrations such as Hanukkah and Passover last eight. So while the Anthony Weiner story is manna from Heaven for conservative bloggers everywhere, at some point it is time to move on (not dot org).

There are plenty of news stories to cover. However, when  liberal says “let’s just move on,” that is just a way of silencing conservatives. Luckily they do not get to decide the topics of this blog. I am the decider.

With a CNN presidential debate coming up, Newt Gingrich and Antonio Villagairosa speaking to different Jewish groups across the political spectrum, and the world still on fire with the economy cratering, all good things must come to an end. That end is coming very near.

For today, here is the cast of the Anthony Wiener movie, eventually to be “released.”


Anthony Weiner: Jon Stewart.

Only one man is truly smarmy enough to play Anthony Weiner, and that is his good friend Jon Stewart. Stewart fits the profile perfectly. They are about the same age, both have decent enough dark hair, and both make their living spreading ideological bigotry. They are both elitist leftist snobs from New York. When somebody yells the word “Jew,” Stewart runs and ducks for cover lest he be associated with or seen as one. Stewart fits into this role like a comfortable pair of used gym trunks. I can even picture him and Andy playing racquetball together and exchanging sweaty gym shorts together so they can take in each other’s power.

Huma Abedin: Queen Noor from Jordan (King Hussein’s widow): There is very little to say about Ms. Abedin. She is an innocent victim, and undeserving of any jokes at her expense. A smart, beautiful woman should be played by one and that is that.

Anthony’s Wiener: Despite the congressman’s braggadocio, a prosthetic should be used. They should get the one previously used in “Boogie Nights” by Dirk Diggler, aka Mark Wahlberg. That movie did have a Best Supporting Actor nomination, but it went to Burt Reynolds, not the prosthetic.

Bill Clinton: John Travolta…again. Travolta did a good job in “Primary Colors” after Tom Hanks turned down the role due to discomfort over the nature of the character.

Hillary Clinton: Joy Behar. One angry, repulsive, nasty left turn deserves another. These women who hate conservative women while wearing the mantle of feminism are sisters in (hopefully covered) arms. They both talk tough, whether it is Hillary dealing with Iran or Behar with Palin. In both cases, the tough liberal rhetoric is an empty oxymoron. They speak loudly and say nothing. Unite them.

Debbie Wasserman-Schultz: An upside down floor mop with ping pong eyeballs attached. Forget that she should use her overly generous congressional salary to buy and use a comb. I have bad hair days as well. This woman is hideous on the inside. Given that this is a movie about a left-wing bully who also has a tad of self-loathing Jew in him, DWS fits in perfectly with the script. Maybe she can do a J-Street soliloquy since that organization, like Anthony Weiner, has been caught with its pants down and exposed raw. Neither was a pretty picture.

Chris Matthews: Lassie. He speaks in a tone that is inaudible to those who do not possess the ability to her shrillness. He barks at people in his own style that maybe only Timmy can understand.

Rachel Maddow: Janet Napolitano (obviously). Janet Reno could fill in as well. For those who need further elaboration, please do your own research.

John Kerry: Either Lurch or the Kentucky Derby Winner. To reduce expenses for this movie, Kerry and Wasserman-Schultz can share a feedbag.

Al Gore: An oak tree or James Woods. Actually, give the charisma of the Goracle, let’s stick with the tree theme and go with Tiger Woods. Both Al Gore and Tiger Woods were accused of out of control sexual behavior, causing people to express shock that either of these men had ever had sex with anybody. When a man is a billionaire, women force themselves to stay awake no matter how bored they are.

Eliot Spitzer: Tom Everett Scott. He was fantastic on Law and Order as Spitzer clone Governor Donald Shalvoy. Maybe Sam Waterston can show up and give one of his pompous, self-righteous speeches. Mr. Everett Scott also appeared in “That thing you do,” which could be the subtitle of the Anthony Weiner movie.

The 40 year old blackjack dealer: Amy Fisher. The Long Island Lolita now does pornography for a living. Joey Buttafuoco could appear as himself, since somebody will need to make this a politically liberal movie by making the Weiner dog look sympathetic. Joey and Amy sure do that. Weiner has not gotten anybody shot yet.

The 26 year old single mom: Courtney Cox. Her last name makes her necessary for this movie. After all, the real woman thought that she and the Congressman were just “Friends.”

Given that her character Monica Geller eventually married Chandler Bing, Matthew Perry could play the lead role if Jon Stewart decides to bow out. Perry is a liberal who has done stints in rehab for his own demons. This could make him similar to Weiner, but then again it also could make him like every other actor in Hollywood.

Andrew Breitbart: Himself, although the liberal media would probably pick somebody like Donald Sutherland.

James O’Keefe: Himself, although the liberal media would probably pick either Mark Zuckerberg or the Stephen Colbert imitation Jesse Eisenberg.

Donald Trump: Either himself or Darrell Hammond.

Barack Obama: God as voiced by Chris Matthews. He will be a whiny, effeminate God.

Ed Schultz: Bob Beckel

Bob Beckel: Ed Schultz

After all, aren’t all angry white men the same? We heard that in 1994 when the GOP took over. Let’s see if every fat white guy is interchangeable when the left is being discussed.

Charles Rangel: Video clips of the late Redd Foxx. Ol’ Charlie is a criminal to some, but many liberals just see him as a lovable rascal. Besides, any excuse to show Redd Foxx is fine by me.

There you have it folks. The Anthony Weiner movie will be coming to a theatre near you. The preview consists of a fake stint in rehab to hide out and hope the media gets bored of a sexual deviant who refuses to leave.

Turn off all cellphones, and enjoy the concession stands. Slurpees and nuts are half price.


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