My presidential platform

Awhile back I made my presidential announcement. I announced that I was considering a run for the White House.

Then I announced my presidential exploration. This meant that I was exploring a run.

I leave on Monday for Iowa. I will be at the debate and the straw poll, but I will not be participating in either as a candidate because I have not decided to run. I am attending the debate to hear the questions asked so I can determine if I would want to answer them. I am attending the straw poll because I like barbecue. The best barbecue will help me determine who my most toughest challengers would be.

At some point will come a presidential decision. Until then, today is dedicated to my presidential platform should I decide to run.

Initially I was very leery about offering a platform. After all, some guy got elected in 2008 without anybody knowing what his platform was. He was tall, had good hair and a winning smile, and crisp shirts and neckties. He was also a minority, as am I. So perhaps a platform will not be needed.

I grew up in the 1980s watching MTV, and I remember when Randee of the Redwoods ran for president. He he even had a campaign song entitled “Just say whoa!”

As he pointed out in an interview, it is a bad idea to have a platform. People may like you but then decide not to vote for you just because they don’t like your platform.

The current president clearly understands this. He can wave and smile with the best of them.

Yet as a country music star sings, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” So against the advice of unpaid political advisers disguised as people offering useless unsolicited opinions, Here is my presidential platform.

1) Cut taxes

2) Kill terrorists

That’s it.

For those who need elaboration on the first one, “cut taxes” is short for “Shut the hell up, cut my (redacted) taxes you corrupt useless b@stards and get the hell out of my life.”

Kill terrorists can also be explained as “gratuitously blow sh*t up, screw collateral damage, destroy everything knowing some of them will be terrorists.”

I could tell America that other ideas are being fleshed out, but that is not true. Trying to do too much at once means doing everything badly. So after cutting taxes and killing terrorists the only thing left to do would be to put my feet up on the desk and make sure a picture is taken of me lighting a victory stogie.

That concludes the rollout of my presidential platform. While it is obvious I would win if I ran, there are other considerations. People who run face scrutiny, and I detest scrutiny. It’s nobody’s d@mn business that I may or may not have disclosed or undisclosed peculiar habits. Elaboration is not needed since I have not decided if I am running.

I will make a formal decision before Labor Day or whenever I d@mn well please, whichever comes last.


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