In five years, this may be the most offensive column I have ever written. It may be one of the most offensive columns ever written by anybody. Kick your children out of the room now, and if you get offended easily, come back tomorrow.
Here is the censored version.
Now for the uncensored version.
Now on to the business of pleasure and the pleasure of business.
I would like to apologize to Rush Limbaugh and Sandra Fluke. Yes, I apologize to both of them.
I apologize to Ms. Fluke for all the things I have said about her. While all of them were and remain true, I could have kept those thoughts to myself.
Yet my apology to Rush Limbaugh is because I have now switched sides. I now realize that Rush Limbaugh was wrong and Sandra Fluke was right.
For those living either under a rock or in Vermont (same thing), Sandra Fluke is a thirty-year-old left-wing activist posing as an ordinary woman. Like a typical liberal, she wants free stuff. In this case that free stuff is contraception. She wants to have sex, and she wants taxpayers to pick up the tab.
This has absolutely nothing to do with women’s health issues. There is no war on women. This is about Sandra Fluke, Georgetown law student that she is, wanting to have recreational sex.
This has nothing to do with religion. While some religious people oppose contraception on principle, I am not one of them. Liberals should use contraception. Anything preventing more liberals from being created is fine by me.
This has nothing to do with gender. For the feminists who ranted and raved about men having their Viagra or other E.D. treatments subsidized, even feminists are right from time to time. If men want to play, they should pay for it themselves.
This is about economics.
Do what you want with your life. Just don’t interfere with my right to live my life.
That is why I opposed Sandra Fluke.
I was wrong.
When I thought about the situation in a state of deep contemplation (translation: navel gazing), it became apparent that there is a serious health issue at stake. The government must intervene.
Like most people, it took being personally affected to appreciate what others were going through. Having now walked in their moccasins, it is high time that the government cover my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health needs.
This revelation came to me when a hypothetical individual who looked and acted like me was taking a walk down a street in Hawaii. The city was Honolulu. The town was Waikiki. The street was Kuhio Avenue. I remember this hypothetical memory so vividly that it was almost lifelike, as if it had actually happened. Since it could have happened, it should be treated as real despite possibly being fictional.
A nubile twenty-year-old approached the fictional person resembling me and asked if I “wanted to have a good time.” For a certain donation, “anything I want” was the offering.
Like a typical forty-year-old man, I thought back to the 1930s joke by Henny Youngman when he faced the same “business proposition.” He handed the woman the money and said, “Here. Now wash my car and paint my house.”
It was decided that this woman was probably not skilled or “equipped” enough to handle such tasks, and my living area was not in Hawaii.
Very few things give me a good time, and she was not willing to cook me a steak or give me tickets to a football game. This led to thorough confusion of what the imaginary me was being offered from a transactional standpoint.
We both pondered this riddle for awhile, at which point an idea sprung. Imaginary me was a very stressed-out business executive. She was trained as a masseuse. Perhaps she could provide me with physical therapy for therapeutic purposes.
My imaginary self called my CPA. After questioning why I was calling him at 5:00am (3:00am Hawaii time), he angrily refused to let massage be written off as a business expense.
Therefore, the solution is that the government pay for this because it is a stress reliever and therefore a physical and mental health issue.
Obviously the government should pay for this form of birth control although it is a mystery to me how something as innocent as a massage by a nubile twenty-year-old could possibly be connected to sex (let it go). She said it was possible, and this was accepted at face and body value.
Yet beyond the massage itself, so many extra expenses are involved with physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual healing.
The government should also pay the dry-cleaning bill. What if fictional me leaves his jeans on and they get stained? That could lead to discomfort and ridicule if others notice.
The government should also provide laundry credits for cleaning my unmentionables or foot the cost of buying new ones if no laundry facility is nearby.
The government should provide tissues and other sundries so that my resemblance can clean himself up afterward.
Other expenses are vital to such relaxing experiences.
Candles are essential, whether they just stay on the table or are used in any wax rituals.
For those opposed to wax rituals, you are culturally insensitive and insulting the deeply held religious and spiritual beliefs of others. You should take sensitivity classes.
The government should cover the cost of the candles.
Music is vital. The government should cover Barry White and Marvin Gaye cds. Sexual healing is important.
Laws exist that currently prevent this medically necessary relaxation session from taking place outside in public areas. Therefore, lodging is required to insure privacy.
The government should provide the cost of subsidizing the housing so that the masseuse does not pass on those costs to the consumer.
Good mental and physical health are so important and America must subsidize these things. Otherwise we will have a frustrated populace, leading to higher crime and violence.
Studies have shown that a frustrated populace is a violent one. Most men go only a few days without physical therapy from hot women before wanting to kill people.
Call girls save lives. More importantly, they spread happiness. Think of how many people in this world never smile. It’s obvious why. Nobody will offer therapy to them and they cannot afford to pay to play.
So in the spirit of compassion, it is time that the government sponsor programs to help foster better health through repeated stress release.
Since this works better in warm weather climates, the government should also take care of the airplane tickets as well.
(Like people go to the Bahamas for any other reason. They have golf in Florida.)
Mr. Limbaugh, I can no longer sit idly by in my uncomfortably unclean jeans while you go on a moralizing tirade against a woman who is simply trying to become happy.
Mr. Limbaugh, apologizing to Ms. Fluke is insufficient. You need to apologize to me and all men who are forced to pay for their own gallivanting on our own dime.
How dare you spread a message of personal responsibility! You intolerant religious zealot!
I may one day forgive you, because that is the type of guy I am.
Ms. Fluke, I apologize to you for not realizing that you were just trying to create a better world where we could all be deliriously, delightfully, and deliciously hedonistic for the sake of hedonism itself. If you were any more Roman you would wear a Toga and chant about Caesar.
That reminds me. Spring Break in South Beach, Miami, is in three weeks. My Toga should be back from the dry cleaners. I had them use extra stain guard. It was expensive, but who cares? The government will pay for it with Rush Limbaugh’s money.
As for the twenty-year-old Latina (I believe in diversity and multi-culturalism and now apologize for calling it garbage. This was one wise Latina woman.) masseuse who catered to the fellow who was a dead ringer for me, she is an American hero. We were in such good moods afterward that we went shopping, which provided even more stimulation to a local economy that has yet to overheat.
We even paid for the merchandise ourselves since the government check had yet to arrive
eric