I am now officially on the Obama enemies list

The Obama reelection campaign is now officially monitoring me.


On March 21st, 2012, I received an email saying that I had a new Twitter follower. The first day of Spring apparently is not a good day for Twitter, and this was no Vernal Equinox greeting. The follower said that they represented the Obama for American reelection team in Florida. Initially I figured this was just some random dopey college stoner too high to realize that the 2008 election truly messed up America.

Yet upon closer observation, this new follower was the official Florida Obama campaign operation.

“Obama for America FL @OFA_FL is now following you (@TYGRRRREXPRESS).

“OFA_FL Obama for America FL– Official Obama for America- Florida Account. Follow us for updates on 2012 campaign action, learn about events, and connect with other supporters.
Florida 6,823 Tweets 12,014 Following 12,024 Followers”

These miscreants are following about as many people as are following them, which is fairly pathetic.

Given my undeniably (self) important role in society, one critical question needs to be asked of President Obama and his campaign team.

Don’t you have anything better to do?

Are we really at the point in society where the leader of the free world is threatened by some conservative writer in a small corner of a city 3,000 miles from the White House?

The last time I checked neither my income or status level put me in the company of Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity. I am “just a guy.”

President Obama’s reelection team does not do anything until they check with him first. So yes, the most thin-skinned man in history is wasting away his presidency checking up on a man who happens to keep reminding people how thin-skinned he is.

No, I have nothing to hide. No, I do not need to get over myself. Yes, I sometimes use the word “I” almost as much as President Obama.

The first action upon my being monitored was to eat lunch. A pastrami sandwich with mustard was delicious. I was tempted to mail a copy of my lunch to the White House so they could inspect it, but the only way they would appreciate the symbolism would be if I sent a spoiled hot dog. In case the Secret Service is interested, I have never sent anything to the President, nor would I unless he sent me a self-addressed stamped envelope and begged me to do so. If he sent me a request for money, begging would not suffice. As for the Secret Service, they have bigger problems to worry about right now.

In case the Obama administration cares about my private life, the way to avoid being blackmailed is to just disclose everything. I am 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. My commitment to celibacy as a high school student was not due to religious convictions. The ladies just preferred men who were not me, except in rare cases that still make me quite grateful.

Thankfully when I turned twenty the ladies liked me much more. I did have awesome 1980s style glam rocker hair. That had to be it. Anyway, I am sure there are allegations about me by disgruntled ex-girlfriends. Oh, and rumors that I gave a spanking to a political candidate during her campaign are completely true. She was hot, and needed a good paddling.

If anyone is taking pictures of me in my jacuzzi with a Republican Jewish brunette, don’t bother boring me with blackmail threats. Just post the pictures and make sure to photoshop out any flab I may have developed from my stubborn refusal to go to a gym.

That’s right, Mr. Obama. I don’t work out. This makes me less of a parasite on the healthcare system than guys like you who smoke.

I also watch one trashy television program, that being Desperate Housewives. Perhaps my pursuits should be more lofty given that the world is burning, but then again that analogy should apply even more to the dilettante running this country into the ground.

President Obama, the world is on fire. Iran is building a nuclear bomb that it will use to blow up the word. Syria is murdering its own citizens in the street. The dollar is crashing, unemployment remains high, and violent leftist Occupy Wall Street protesters are contributing to the decay of major American cities. From Afghanistan to Detroit, there is despair. The GSA is wasting money faster than the potential love child of Jon Corzine and Lady Solyndra. One could say the money is being wasted fast and furious.

With all of this going on Mr. President, do you really need to monitor me? Shouldn’t you get your own house in order and then fix America’s problems before bothering some young, single, Jewish alpha male whose greatest transgression is a healthy appetite for the opposite sex?

Mr. Obama, my calendar of public appearances is here for your review. Study it thoroughly.

Then with all due respect, please get the heck out of my business. I would tell you to mind your own business, but apparently you do not have any. You long ago stopped governing.

For this and so many other reasons, firing you in November would really make my year.

As for being on your official enemies list, all I can say is that I don’t care much for you either.

The only difference is I do not spend my time monitoring you.

Unlike you sir, I have better things to do. I have a real job with actual responsibilities.


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